What Just happened? Years later, after I thought it was done

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Before I start, I would like to say that there is no official diagnosis of BPD in the individual I am talking about, but ALL SIGNS POINT TO IT. Everyone I know, sees it. Also, just because someone has a personality disorder, I do not believe in adding to the stigma, so I hope I am able to talk about this without doing so. I have friends who have been diagnosed BPD, and who are managing quite well with therapy, sobriety etc.

I came to the realization this week that I have been in an abusive situation for a long time. I always knew things were toxic, but I never labeled it as abuse.

My ex and I are still together legally, but that is all, or so I have been telling myself. After I was informed of a serious boundary violation involving my property by someone who witnessed it, it hit me that there was more to these uncomfortable feelings I had than I realized. What really sealed the deal, was that in an effort to do some sort of damage control, my ex accidentally admitted to the act, but was more angry that their own confidentiality was violated than anything else. No remorse over actually violating me, or any acknowledgment that it happened at all really.

I went to a therapist this week to try and sort everything out.

For years I have been supporting this individual financially because I have felt bad for their medical conditions and employment/economic situation, but they have continued to malign me as "the abusive partner" or the "abusive ex." I always just tuned it out and hoped that we could be amicable. Some of the stories they have told others that have come back to me are complete fabrications, such as me having an STD (which I don't). One time I was approached by this person and was told that I was making this person want to commit suicide etc. If I loved them I would help them do it. I offered to call 911, or get them professional help, but I refused to help them kill themselves. They used the story and twisted it to make everyone in my social circle believe I was the bad person, because I refused to show any compassion or offer any help to the fact that they were suicidal. These distortions eventually became too much and I ended the relationship.

I am now at the point where only one friend will even come over to the house. They call from the street before even coming in because they would prefer not to interact with my ex. None of my other friends will come over at all, because they were once mutual friends, but my partner felt that their neutrality meant that they were choosing sides and picking me, so bridges were burned. They simply are not welcome.

After telling the therapist all this (and I am only scratching the surface), I was informed that my relationship is not over with this individual, that even if romantically we are done, they still control a major part of my life. It hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I not see this? I know what codependency is, how could I not see it in myself? If one of my friends was going through what I was going through, and continuing to support their ex partner in the ways I have, I might think they were crazy? How could I not see this in myself?

Now I find myself in a conflicted position and questioning my ethics. I made a lot of promises to this person that I now know I cannot keep. I know that when it becomes apparent that I am not keeping these promises, this person's very survival is going to feel threatened, and they will feel betrayed.

But why should I keep these promises? Why should I continue to support someone who maligns me to every social circle we share and accuses me (and every other ex they have ever had) of having some sort of a personality disorder myself? This person takes whatever people will give, but doesn't acknowledge that they contribute very little themselves, nor do they express the slightest amount of gratitude. Don't get me wrong, they will give you the last dollar in their bank account if they are infatuated with you, but the closer you get, the more they get bored with you, the more volatile the situation becomes. Every action you take, no matter how well intentioned or empathetic, will just be distorted and used against you to manipulate you further.

It is pretty telling that every last ex this person has, has some sort of personality disorder themselves, or is part of some conspiracy to destroy them, or is abusive, manipulative etc. What is really interesting, is how these stories are becoming repetitive, or a pattern if you will. They are starting to become the exact same stories. I do not know of one amicable breakup of a romantic interest, or even friendship that this individual has had. I do not know of one close friendship this person has been able to sustain beyond a few years at most.

Yet, I still love this person very much. They have been a huge part of my life and I would not be the person I am today without them. I now realize that they are holding me back from becoming the person I can be tomorrow, and my involvement with them may actually be holding them back as well, and contributing to their own demise. What I am about to do, by breaking these promises will drastically change the direction of their life. It may bring them a lot of suffering and challenges they may not be able to meet, but I am doing so out of compassion for both of us. The alternative just doesn't seem like something I am ok with anymore. I shouldn't have to go down with the ship. It is not even my ship to begin with.

Wish me luck, these next few months are going to suck, but after that I may have an opportunity to get my life back, and perhaps, through this experience, they will have to face very difficult challenges without a safety net. Perhaps they will learn to see how their own hurtful, often impulsive actions result in consequences. Perhaps that will lead to introspection and they can grow themselves. I dunno, I am not counting on it, but it is not my responsibility. It is not even something I can fix.

Thanks for this site, and discussions. I have found this place to be a great resource in my research and determining what I must do.

[crony]

Before I start, I would like to say that there is no official diagnosis of BPD in the individual I am talking about, but ALL SIGNS POINT TO IT. Everyone I know, sees it. Also, just because someone has a personality disorder, I do not believe in adding to the stigma, so I hope I am able to talk about this without doing so. I have friends who have been diagnosed BPD, and who are managing quite well with therapy, sobriety etc.

I came to the realization this week that I have been in an abusive situation for a long time. I always knew things were toxic, but I never labeled it as abuse.

My ex and I are still together legally, but that is all, or so I have been telling myself. After I was informed of a serious boundary violation involving my property by someone who witnessed it, it hit me that there was more to these uncomfortable feelings I had than I realized. What really sealed the deal, was that in an effort to do some sort of damage control, my ex accidentally admitted to the act, but was more angry that their own confidentiality was violated than anything else. No remorse over actually violating me, or any acknowledgment that it happened at all really.

I went to a therapist this week to try and sort everything out.

For years I have been supporting this individual financially because I have felt bad for their medical conditions and employment/economic situation, but they have continued to malign me as "the abusive partner" or the "abusive ex." I always just tuned it out and hoped that we could be amicable. Some of the stories they have told others that have come back to me are complete fabrications, such as me having an STD (which I don't). One time I was approached by this person and was told that I was making this person want to commit suicide etc. If I loved them I would help them do it. I offered to call 911, or get them professional help, but I refused to help them kill themselves. They used the story and twisted it to make everyone in my social circle believe I was the bad person, because I refused to show any compassion or offer any help to the fact that they were suicidal. These distortions eventually became too much and I ended the relationship.

I am now at the point where only one friend will even come over to the house. They call from the street before even coming in because they would prefer not to interact with my ex. None of my other friends will come over at all, because they were once mutual friends, but my partner felt that their neutrality meant that they were choosing sides and picking me, so bridges were burned. They simply are not welcome.

After telling the therapist all this (and I am only scratching the surface), I was informed that my relationship is not over with this individual, that even if romantically we are done, they still control a major part of my life. It hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I not see this? I know what codependency is, how could I not see it in myself? If one of my friends was going through what I was going through, and continuing to support their ex partner in the ways I have, I might think they were crazy? How could I not see this in myself?

Now I find myself in a conflicted position and questioning my ethics. I made a lot of promises to this person that I now know I cannot keep. I know that when it becomes apparent that I am not keeping these promises, this person's very survival is going to feel threatened, and they will feel betrayed.

But why should I keep these promises? Why should I continue to support someone who maligns me to every social circle we share and accuses me (and every other ex they have ever had) of having some sort of a personality disorder myself? This person takes whatever people will give, but doesn't acknowledge that they contribute very little themselves, nor do they express the slightest amount of gratitude. Don't get me wrong, they will give you the last dollar in their bank account if they are infatuated with you, but the closer you get, the more they get bored with you, the more volatile the situation becomes. Every action you take, no matter how well intentioned or empathetic, will just be distorted and used against you to manipulate you further.

It is pretty telling that every last ex this person has, has some sort of personality disorder themselves, or is part of some conspiracy to destroy them, or is abusive, manipulative etc. What is really interesting, is how these stories are becoming repetitive, or a pattern if you will. They are starting to become the exact same stories. I do not know of one amicable breakup of a romantic interest, or even friendship that this individual has had. I do not know of one close friendship this person has been able to sustain beyond a few years at most.

Yet, I still love this person very much. They have been a huge part of my life and I would not be the person I am today without them. I now realize that they are holding me back from becoming the person I can be tomorrow, and my involvement with them may actually be holding them back as well, and contributing to their own demise. What I am about to do, by breaking these promises will drastically change the direction of their life. It may bring them a lot of suffering and challenges they may not be able to meet, but I am doing so out of compassion for both of us. The alternative just doesn't seem like something I am ok with anymore. I shouldn't have to go down with the ship. It is not even my ship to begin with.

Wish me luck, these next few months are going to suck, but after that I may have an opportunity to get my life back, and perhaps, through this experience, they will have to face very difficult challenges without a safety net. Perhaps they will learn to see how their own hurtful, often impulsive actions result in consequences. Perhaps that will lead to introspection and they can grow themselves. I dunno, I am not counting on it, but it is not my responsibility. It is not even something I can fix.

Thanks for this site, and discussions. I have found this place to be a great resource in my research and determining what I must do.

[tjay933]

all the best to you. keep in touch 

[LimboFL]

Crony, you are in for a very tough journey. I hope you are prepared emotionally for this.

I left my exBPD in not the best of situations, although she has always managed. It was horribly difficult but I had to purge the guilt because I would still be there for her if she hadn't found a replacement and lied, when she said that this was not her MO, that she was all about truth and honesty. Your situation, however, is quite a bit more serious. I don't mean to drill that point in. You make your bed. I didn't make it, I wanted the bed to be made a completely different way.

Trust me, I still love my ex deeply. Fortunately, though, I don't have to unbind anything beyond the relationship. You have to cut a lot of ropes.

Stay strong my friend, start to create a bunker around you emotionally and maybe in terms of protection. It might not be a bad idea to go visit the police ahead of any announcements and explain what you are about to do, in case all hell breaks loose. Seriously, even if it is simply as a precaution. If hell breaks loose and you haven't taken the necessary precautions it will be much harder to explain.

I can only imagine that you are in for a very strong ride. I will be thinking about you, my friend.

[crony]

Thanks for the heads up regarding police. I am not sure if my ex would harm me, I cannot rule it out though. I know they have had fantasies because they have told me so, and the nature of the violations that occurred are pretty invasive.  I think they may be more likely to harm themselves.

There is so much more going on that I cannot even touch on right now that makes the situation even more volatile. It has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with some very poor choices they have made in their own life coming back to haunt them in very big ways. Of course it is everyone else who is the problem though.

[LimboFL]

Better safe than sorry.

It sounds like you have done more than enough to prove your genuine caring and love for your ex. Even if I had the means, I don't think I could have done what you have. Maybe it is because of what she did, that it was so callous and brazen, that it broke my heart. So, while I would never do anything to hurt her proactively, I want her to feel what it is like without me, which included all of the things I did on a daily basis to make her life more comfortable and secure, that I spent a a lot of money I didn't have to ensure that she and her dogs always had what they needed. She didn't have to ask, I just did.

It sounds like you are about to start a firestorm, so yes, take every precaution to protect yourself because you cannot know how she will react when the kind of stress she is about to endure hits her. Without any attempt to portray our ex's as anything but completely human (I still love mine deeply) and this is an analogy I use for all people up against a severe change, is that a loving animal can show nothing but gentility until they are cornered, scared and in a state of panic.

Just protect yourself as this sounds like it is going to be very hard on you and her.

Good luck and keep us posted, for support.

[Aussie0zborn]

Crony, you seem to have a remarkably good grip on what's happening and seem very level headed. Please keep it that way for your own sake, regardless of how this pans out.  This should make your liberation a lot easier.

You mentioned a severe personal violation and that he/she was only concerned about being "violated" when the witness informed you and there was no remorse. Don't be surprised if this goes pear shaped and out of control when you drop the bomb. Advising the police in advance of a potential volatile situation could save you from being arrested for something that never occurred. Remember, your ex-partner has no remorse for anything, no sense of compunction and when faced with abandonment, can be a totally different person. Take precautions and protect yourself.

You also mentioned all the promises that you cannot keep. You really don't have to keep your word under the circumstances. He/she is not your responsibility anymore once the violations exceed an acceptable threshold. Feel free to walk away but cover yourself first. Good luck.

[crony]

Thanks all,

I downloaded that book about divorcing someone with BPD or NPD and I am prepared for a bumpy ride. I decided to retain a lawyer but am going to try and go the mediation route first. My ex has no understanding how the real world works sometimes, just how they think it should work. In their eyes they are entitled to things the court cannot even enforce. I am hoping that the mediator will open their eyes on that, because my ex does not respect me, and if I tried to advise the same thing it would be a bigger disaster.

I got the guns out of the house today. I am going to give the police a heads up of the situation as well. That is a good idea.

I am pretty resolved about following through with this. I do not see myself backing down.