How long was it before you were snared?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello Everyone,

As I was reading the threads I began to wonder how quickly a pwBPD is able to snare their prey. From the moment your respective pwBPD entered your life, how long was it before you became exclusive with them? Were you in another relationship or dating others when the pwBPD entered your life? Their bidding for our attention/exclusivity is way over the top as we all know (love bombing, soul mate speech, immediate sexual relations, massive attention/communication, etc.).

There are many threads on these boards about the pwBPD attempting to isolate their partners. Is this overbidding their initial attemp to isolate us (yet concealed in normalcy), to remove us from the market so to speak?

I have read much about "what" occurred in the initial stages but very little about the time frame of said occurances. I know that for myself I was processed rather quickly. In about a month after first contact I was dating my BPDexgf exclusively. As always, thank you for sharing!

[apollotech]

Hello Everyone,

As I was reading the threads I began to wonder how quickly a pwBPD is able to snare their prey. From the moment your respective pwBPD entered your life, how long was it before you became exclusive with them? Were you in another relationship or dating others when the pwBPD entered your life? Their bidding for our attention/exclusivity is way over the top as we all know (love bombing, soul mate speech, immediate sexual relations, massive attention/communication, etc.).

There are many threads on these boards about the pwBPD attempting to isolate their partners. Is this overbidding their initial attemp to isolate us (yet concealed in normalcy), to remove us from the market so to speak?

I have read much about "what" occurred in the initial stages but very little about the time frame of said occurances. I know that for myself I was processed rather quickly. In about a month after first contact I was dating my BPDexgf exclusively. As always, thank you for sharing!

[Turkish]

I don't consider myself prey, apollotech. I spoted my ex across a room and my first impressions after finding her pretty were, "she has social anxiety (or is nervous and self-conscious around others), and doesn't trust people." A mystery to be solve! A Waif to be rescued!

It surpised me that she liked me so much after approaching her. We "friend-dated" for about two months. Then one day she literally jumped me. She had warned me she was still not over a previous bf from over a year before. I stuck around, despite the push-pull. I moved in after less than 4 months ("what, you don't love me?", agreed to a recycle 9 months later, and 2 months after that, she was pregant with S5. "You're getting old, dont you want to be healthy so you cam play with your children?" she was 28, I was not too far into 38. She would have gladly gotten pregnant the first time we slept together if I hadn't taken precautions. I argued for another year before a child, but acquiesced. It was the same with D2 (I knew she'd leave me if I didn't give our son a sibling).

Was a prey? No. I went all in, eyes wide shut.

[Infern0]

I was in a dark place in my life when I met her,  still suffering from a previous heartbreak over a year ago,  self esteem and self worth was at an all time low.

I met her and she'd been through bad times too, she mirrored me  I thought we were the same,  she built me up,  made me feel alive again. After about 6 weeks we were together.  It'd have been sooner if I'd had more confidence.

[raisins3142]

I wasn't dating anyone and at a low point in my dating life.

I actually asked about exclusivity first because it is gross to me to think of the person I'm into and sleeping with also sleeping with other men I don't know about.  Just me.  I don't date multiple people at a time, at least if I am physical with them.  Maybe I am old fashioned.

She gladly agreed to be exclusive and she was the first person to say "I love you" and I said it back.  That was only 1 month in.  We had the exclusivity talk about 2 or 3 weeks in.

Gosh, sounds crazy now how quickly I jumped in.   

[Loosestrife]

I accept I walked willing into the deep end despite all the red flags and Indid this withing a matter of weeks. It's made me look at myself and take some

Responsibility for my part in it, which I think has been important for me 

[4Years5Months]

I had been single for a while.  Met my ex through work friends at a night out.  We never worked together, but at the same location.

She friend requested me on Facebook the next day.  She did several other co-workers too, so it didn't seem like a huge deal, but I was surprised since we had just met the night before.  We would comment on each other's posts, and I liked her humor and sharpness.  I could tell she was articulate and smart for her age.  I was also not intimidated by her as she had friends, but all of the photos on her Facebook were of herself - she wasn't going out every night or anything.  While I didn't see this as a need to be rescued, I felt like she was a possibility and I wouldn't need to compete for her time.

Then came a day when a concert was coming to town that I knew we both would like.  Her phone number was on her profile, so I texted her, simply to let her know.  We bought separate tickets to each go individually, but the door was opened and we very slowly started texting each other.  When I would go to work and she happened to be there, she would come up and say hello, make a point to do it.

Then she got mad at her mom, quit her job, and went to go stay with a female friend in another city for a month.  A friend she had previously only knew on an online message board.   

The texting became more prevalent.  I became comfortable around her.  One day, we told each other that we liked one another.  She stayed with the friend another month (they had several concerts they were attending) and came back home.  We went out the night she flew in, and said "I love you."  We had sex the next day (he mom was home the night before) and off we went.  That first night back was only about the fourth time I had seen her in person.  Everything was based on Facebook, texts, and phone calls.  I was her first real boyfriend, and first sexual partner.

She later told me she had been interested in me from the day we met, and was over the moon the day I texted her about the concert, as she felt like it opened a door for her to talk to me outside of Facebook.

Within a few weeks, she was ranting to me about her life, Debbie Downer + Eeyore.  She acted like I was the only positive in her life.  This is when I felt like a White Knight.

We moved in together four months after she came back home.  That's when the devaluing began.  First breakup was about nine months later, but she had me walking on exhausted eggshells until then.

[fromheeltoheal]

how quickly a pwBPD is able to snare their prey.

Think attachments with borderlines.  Although some are malicious no doubt, most are trying to attach to someone else to feel whole, someone to psychically fuse with to create one "person" out of two, a subconscious reenactment of the attachment they had with their primary caregiver in infancy, the one they never successfully detached from, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.  A borderline on their own can report that they feel like the don't "exist" without an attachment; if you or I felt like that we'd be pretty motivated to attach as well, it's survival.

Is this overbidding their initial attemp to isolate us (yet concealed in normalcy), to remove us from the market so to speak?

It's to avoid abandonment.  Attachments, and the threat of loss of attachments, abandonment, are the primary focus for borderlines.  If a borderline can isolate you from everyone, control you, and make you feel so badly about yourself that your confidence is shattered, you won't leave, you won't abandon them.

To answer your question, after dating a bunch of times and having frequent sex over a period of 6 or 8 weeks, we became exclusive, which didn't feel weird to me at the time, and we were getting along great so I was excited about it.  There were red flags that I ignored, but the real hell came much later.  So apollo, how many red flags did you ignore on your way to an exclusive relationship, and did it seem too fast for you?  Why did you do it anyway?

[Vatz]

My ex may have thrown some insanity and abuse my way, but she wasn't a monster. She was a person who needed help, and no matter what I did I couldn't get through to her while we were together. She wasn't some kind of predator. I wasn't prey. I didn't get snared. I knew she had issues but she asked me out and I was attracted to her. I came for the face, I stayed for the goofy personality. The abuse was just her disorder coming out.

I just wasn't strong enough.

[apollotech]

"So apollo, how many red flags did you ignore on your way to an exclusive relationship, and did it seem too fast for you?  Why did you do it anyway?"

FHTT,

How many red flags did I ignore... .phone sex the second phone call (we hadn't had real sex yet), far too many tales of woe (professional victim), her ignoring questions, too much talk about her exes, drama that rivaled Hollywood's, massive communication... .those are a few. There were certainly more. (The reason why I ignored them comes later.)

I promptly ignored everything going in and entered an exclusive relationship with her within a month. Too fast indeed, but I was emotionally overwhelmed, and there were other reasons (explained later) for me to see where we could go. This too was another red flag that I ignored.

Why I did it:

My BPDexgf is an old HS friend. We were very close in HS, but not involved romantically. When I graduated, I moved from home and attended college. I lost contact with her; she married a guy she had dated in HS. While in college I met one of the finest people that I have ever known. When we graduated from college together, she became my wife. Our marriage lasted 22 years; we terminated our marriage on good terms; we are still friends.

I had been divorced about 7 years. I dated several very nice women during that time but found myself just not ready to connect. It was not that I couldn't, I just didn't have the desire to. It wasn't a chemistry thing, me being gun shy, or anything like that... .I just didn't have a desire. I knew it was me and not the ladies that I had had relationships with post divorce. They were very fine people.

I received a call one night from an old HS friend. She asked me if I'd mind helping her organize a class reunion. I agreed to help. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my future BPDexgf also sat on said committee. That is how we became reacquainted after a 32 year seperation. She was single (divorced from a 16 year marriage and an 8 year marriage).

With her, feelings begin to stir, desire was no longer mute. I felt like I had finally come home. Our friendship kicked off again like it had never ended. Because of our prior friendship, my guard was down and I freely trusted her. Within a month we were exclusively romantically involved, dating. (To be quiet honest, if she would have been healthy and accepted my proposal (I never proposed.), at some point I would have married her. I was definitely eyeing her as either marriage worthy or not.)

Without going into extensive detail, at about the 8 month mark I finally accepted that we could never make a normal go at it. I terminated the relationship and went strict NC. I had given my all, and I now believe that she had tried terribly hard as well, at least in the initial stage of the relationship, but she just could not overcome the disorder. It won; we lost. (Many aforementioned statements in this paragraph are hindsight statements, valid only after educating myself about BPD. While in the relationship I was confused as to what was occurring.)

I am... .hell, I don't know how to describe how I am. Besides being absolutely heartbroken, I feel like I have been cut loose; I feel adrift, lost. I feel like we were cheated. I feel like my friend has died, yet she is here. I feel like a life tie has been prematurely and permanently severed. Some days I am so angry that I could knock a mule on it's ass. Some days I am so sad that I tear throughout the day. I pray for my friend that God will bring peace, comfort, love, and joy into her life. I pray for her to be free of this ailment that is wrecking her life.

I will push myself forward as I know of no other direction to go. We lost one inclusive future when we couldn't make it. I will always know and feel that loss. Tomorrow is a new day.

[Wood stock]

 My situation was this:  My fiancé had committed suicide. My BPD partner was connected to my extended family. He pursued me and totally sucked me in... .Knowing full well how vulnerable I was knowing my story. (Of course I was to blame for the suicide... .so said his the deceased person's family).

So he came in like a white knight.  When things went bad for us (think about how badly I wanted to make the relationship work and how much I compromised my values in the process of trying to make it work with a BPD partner)... .throughout the relationship and especially in the end when I had finally had enough... .guess how many times I heard that "you're the reason Charlie killed himself" and "you killed Charlie"... .Anything to diffuse or distract the REAL issues in OUR relationship. Cruel. Absolutely demonic. He knew what really happened. But he had to go there.

So... .I was "hooked" early on--but he came in fully knowing the situation. Thought I would be so weak I would just deal with his drama. Wrong.

[workinprogress]

I think they have a radar that senses people who are going through a rough time.

I was in no way looking for a relationship.  I had gotten a great job while going to college, I was having some fun, and I was also recovering from a crazy childhood and a relationship that went terribly bad.

So, I met my wife through some friends.  We hit it off immediately.  It was almost like we were meant to be together. 

Long story short, I was hooked about 2-4 weeks in.  She turned on the sex for me and it was incredible.  I think it was about 3 weeks in that she said, "I know it's crazy, but I love you" during sex.  I was stunned.  I told her that I loved her.

She gave me multiple red flags.  She accused me of cheating on her all the time.  She would get angry with me quite often.  All of this made me try harder to prove to her that I was a good man.

Even though those times were 24 years ago or so, I still miss them.  I guess I need help.

[apollotech]

Thanks everyone so far for your posts. For the post that report a time frame it appears that the majority of us were hooked/sucked in/attached/snared in about four to six weeks. I am one of the four weekers. IMHO, 4-6 weeks sounds pretty quick for someone to make an exclusivity commitment.

[Turkish]

Characteristics of healthy relationships:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

I violated many of these 

[raisins3142]

I wasn't dating anyone and at a low point in my dating life.

To quote myself... .

This seems common.  They can "smell" desperation, me thinks.

[downwhim]

We dated exclusively within 2 months. He asked me if I would get off the dating site I met him on and I did. I was head over heels. I had just come out of a nasty divorce - married 22 years. He knew I was vulnerable. We saw each other every day. He came on super strong and did not want to be apart.

There were  's right away. He lied about being married once when it was twice. He raged at drivers. He would not let me around his ex wife. Probably knew she would tell me he is BPD.

[mrwigand]

I was just casually going on a lot of dates when I met my BPDexgf. When I first met her, there was another woman I had been on a few dates with that I was interested in. But I would say by the second date I was all in with my BPDex, which is to say I didn't pursue anything with the other woman I had seen after that point. Not surprisingly, it was a whirlwind courtship. We had our first date in late September. By late October we were in love. In November she was caught shoplifting with her ex boyfriend. Wish I could say the timeline ends there, buttttt it doesn't , but that's on me for not getting out sooner. From there, there were a few Breakups and recycles until we really called it quits in late January.

[Popcorn71]

Second date for me.  He was a perfect gentleman on the first date and turned up the next evening with a huge bouquet for me.  A few days later we had our second date.  He got me drunk and when he came back to my place he was very insistant about having sex even though i did not want to.  After that he virtually moved in and for several months wanted me to spend all my spare time with him.  He told me he loved me after 10 days and asked me to marry him after 6 weeks.  I turned him down because he wasn't divorced from his ex of 23 years and they had only been apart for 4 months!  I should have run then instead of sticking around for another 8 years.                   

[fromheeltoheal]

I will push myself forward as I know of no other direction to go. We lost one inclusive future when we couldn't make it. I will always know and feel that loss. Tomorrow is a new day.

Your story is similar to mine apollo, and thanks for sharing it.  And you may just find that although you will always remember her and your relationship, you won't consider it a loss one day and the feelings will be benign.  There's no way out but through, and you're right, tomorrow is a new day, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[FrenchConnection]

Met my exBPDgf through an internet dating site.  She lived 3 hours away.  We spent almost 2 weeks talking on the phone every night from the first contact with each other before we met face to face.

During the two-week phone conversations there were no red flags.  But we did flirt with each other which is normal i think.  

Then when we met face to face for an afternoon.  i noticed she attached herself to me very easily and quickly.  She wanted to hold hands within minutes of seeing each other.  We had our first kiss within moments after that.  It's not all that much of a red flag since we had been talking for 2 weeks and felt really comfortable with one another.  Not to mention there was instant physical attraction.

Then later in the afternoon she suggested we spend the night at a hotel together (we had each driven half way to see one another).  That was a red flag for me, but i gladly complied.  I really liked this girl.  Then her behaviour in the hotel room that evening was very provocative and seductive.   I was thinking she was way too comfortable wanting to have sex so quickly and so seductively.  Too late; i was in her "grasp".  And i was happy to be captured.  We dated exclusively from that moment on until the first break up 4 months later.

[jhkbuzz]

I accept I walked willing into the deep end despite all the red flags and Indid this withing a matter of weeks. It's made me look at myself and take some

Responsibility for my part in it, which I think has been important for me 

Me too.

[downwhim]

Yes, I take 100 percent responsibility for fast forwarding too. He said he loved me within 2 months, I said it back. We went on a vacation within 2 1/2 months and shocked my kids and family.

He took me out to dinners, brought flowers, said the right things. I was all in. I was aggressive too because of the physical attraction and basic chemistry. It was really fun for me after a long, drawn out divorce. He was a diversion from reality  . Soon to be the Nightmare on Elmstreet... .