Why do we meet these BPD individuals that drag us through the coals and destroy our lives?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This lie is what I was attracted to. A like minded person who seemed as selfless as me. A kind and gentle heart.

Interesting. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with somebody who was selfless.

I would want somebody who believes in herself and takes care of herself first, before they took care of me or others. (I do want somebody with a kind and gentle heart!)

My wife sacrificed herself for what she thought I wanted. That she couldn't stop herself from doing that while staying in our marriage is probably the core reason we are separated.

[Grey Kitty]

This lie is what I was attracted to. A like minded person who seemed as selfless as me. A kind and gentle heart.

Interesting. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with somebody who was selfless.

I would want somebody who believes in herself and takes care of herself first, before they took care of me or others. (I do want somebody with a kind and gentle heart!)

My wife sacrificed herself for what she thought I wanted. That she couldn't stop herself from doing that while staying in our marriage is probably the core reason we are separated.

[PaintedBlack28]

I tend to think that we either attract them or they attract us, depending on our own issues that we carry along since childhood.

BPDs detect this issues as a beacon.

If we are fixers and rescuers we will prefer people that we can fix, or at least try to - fix them. That makes us feel better about ourselves.

In my opinion, very little stuff happens by chance.

[Conundrum]

I had a relatively accurate perception about who I was getting involved with. Knowing that she possessed extremely low self-esteem, had been sexually abused as a child, a history of unstable relationships and substance abuse wasn't a deterrent heh (she was too young and hot--color me shallow). Though, a condition precedent to being together I expected her to be sober, and she was for many years.

I intuited early on that she could adapt to what I needed relatively quickly--in a way that would not be possible with another. Just like the often referenced unusual dynamic which creates a feeling of 'otherworldliness' btwn the couple in-the-blink-of-an-eye, I knew that same 'chameleon' ability (under certain circumstances) could be applied in a beneficial functional manner--extremely quickly. At that time, I needed a domestic helpmate with very young boys and she was a young woman in search of stability. So we scratched each other's back and somewhere along the way a distinct bond was formed. I had no illusions that it would last forever, yet we remained functional and intact longer than I initially thought (7-years). I greatly enjoyed those years with her and I think we collaborated on our own of particular brand of love. After all, traditional transcendent romantic love in contemporary society has become a bit of an anachronism. With all our social-connecting gadgets we're now partially cybernetic. Entropic relationships trend towards disorder. Consequently, on this board there are many variations on a theme.

[HappyNihilist]

People with BPD - whose perceived emotional survival is based on the ability to attach and attempt to "merge" with another person - don't normally even attempt to attach to emotionally healthy people with strong boundaries.

The truth is that people who are emotionally healthy and have good boundaries will pick up on the mirroring, love-bombing, inconsistencies, etc., and will want nothing more to do with it. They won't ignore those red flags that we ignored in the beginning of our relationships, and they'll run the other way to protect themselves.

Accepting that we played a big role in the dysfunctional dance of a BPD relationship opens the door for us to discover ourselves and learn how to protect ourselves. That's the gift of these relationships, if we're willing to take the time to unwrap it.

[raisins3142]

People with BPD - whose perceived emotional survival is based on the ability to attach and attempt to "merge" with another person - don't normally even attempt to attach to emotionally healthy people with strong boundaries.

The truth is that people who are emotionally healthy and have good boundaries will pick up on the mirroring, love-bombing, inconsistencies, etc., and will want nothing more to do with it. They won't ignore those red flags that we ignored in the beginning of our relationships, and they'll run the other way to protect themselves.

Accepting that we played a big role in the dysfunctional dance of a BPD relationship opens the door for us to discover ourselves and learn how to protect ourselves. That's the gift of these relationships, if we're willing to take the time to unwrap it.

Why use plural pronouns here?

The thing is some of us were in much shorter relationships, that we ended, and were still hurt and find this place useful.

Why make others feel that they should take on this "mantle" in order to feel understood here?  Where do I sign up for the "we're all F'd up" club?

You need to understand how it sounds when you are disagreeing with others about their own understanding of themselves and the relationship they were in.  It ain't nice.  It ain't supportive.  It's like an overbearing therapist trying to force a realization on you that they are personally wed to, and that I would walk out on.

The thing is all of us are understanding these things with the benefit of hindsight.

I understand myself relatively well.

[Invictus01]

Ok, BPD aside, the girl I got involved with had A LOT of things that I find very much attractive in a woman. Unfortunately, BPD ruined all that. Sure, BPDs tend to morph into whatever and whoever they need to keep the person around them, but you can't fake intelligence, you can't fake business sense, you can't fake the ability to run a multi million dollar business. I was hooked BEFORE love bombing started, the day I met her because she just had something other women I've met didn't. If only she knew that she didn't have to do all that other stuff (I know, it isn't a choice for them, that's what they do), she had me not because she idolized or love bombed me. She had me because I was into her "normal" side. Once I figured out what she was... .I walked away because there is no point.

[HappyNihilist]

You need to understand how it sounds when you are disagreeing with others about their own understanding of themselves and the relationship they were in.  It ain't nice.  It ain't supportive.  It's like an overbearing therapist trying to force a realization on you that they are personally wed to, and that I would walk out on.

I don't personally feel that it's supportive to pretend that people who get involved in dysfunctional relationships don't have issues that they need to address.

[raisins3142]

You need to understand how it sounds when you are disagreeing with others about their own understanding of themselves and the relationship they were in.  It ain't nice.  It ain't supportive.  It's like an overbearing therapist trying to force a realization on you that they are personally wed to, and that I would walk out on.

I don't personally feel that it's supportive to pretend that people who get involved in dysfunctional relationships don't have issues that they need to address.

"Pretend"... .you don't realize how your word choice is loaded?  It is actually a form of the correct use of the term "begging the question" where one assumes in ones presentation/argument that which the presentation and argument should rightfully be trying to support.

You are being oddly specific about the issues, and somewhat cherry picking my intent.

Many of us here were legitimately fooled and once we were sure of the dysfunction we got out pretty quickly.

My issues were that I wanted to be in a relationship a bit too badly and got attached too quickly and hoped for the best and believed her words.  Sure those need to be addressed, but I reject that your laundry list applies in that case.

I think the ideas of subconscious attraction (that I'm a "freak magnet" and that people are really so transparent that BPDs don't fool normal people at all (healthy people identify other healthy people almost like jedis) are overrated.  When someone is trying very hard and knows somewhat how to act and is very affectionate toward you, yes they can be relatively convincing.  And once you get attached then first bad day or red flag will not necessarily flip a switch to "flee mode" if overall things are a net positive.  Things slowly change and you can be assured it is some phase and think/hope it will switch back for a time.  To insist otherwise to such a degree is bordering on victim blaming.

I can ju jitsu what you are doing here relatively easily.  I can just say that how you are coming off is indicative off an issue and that it is not supportive for me to pretend otherwise.

[HappyNihilist]

raisins, it seems like you feel that I'm being unsupportive or not nice. If that is the case, then I apologize, because that was not my intent.

Having issues that need to be addressed is not a negative. It does not make anyone "less than" in any way.

A lot of traits of caretakers, for instance, are positive characteristics that the world would be a much sadder place without. Borderlines are often drawn to compassionate, understanding-driven, problem-solving people.

But it's very difficult, if not impossible, to learn how to protect and take care of ourselves without recognizing issues that made us vulnerable in the first place.

[raisins3142]

raisins, it seems like you feel that I'm being unsupportive or not nice. If that is the case, then I apologize, because that was not my intent.

Having issues that need to be addressed is not a negative. It does not make anyone "less than" in any way.

A lot of traits of caretakers, for instance, are positive characteristics that the world would be a much sadder place without. Borderlines are often drawn to compassionate, understanding-driven, problem-solving people.

But it's very difficult, if not impossible, to learn how to protect and take care of ourselves without recognizing issues that made us vulnerable in the first place.

Thanks.  I agree with all of that.  Sorry that my ruffled feathers showed.

[Reecer1588]

raisins, it seems like you feel that I'm being unsupportive or not nice. If that is the case, then I apologize, because that was not my intent.

Having issues that need to be addressed is not a negative. It does not make anyone "less than" in any way.

A lot of traits of caretakers, for instance, are positive characteristics that the world would be a much sadder place without. Borderlines are often drawn to compassionate, understanding-driven, problem-solving people.

But it's very difficult, if not impossible, to learn how to protect and take care of ourselves without recognizing issues that made us vulnerable in the first place.

I just wanted to say that this really hit home with me. I had a really false sense of communication skills before this whole debacle happened. I had a really unhealthy sense of my own self worth. I didn't take the chance to try and really understand how the actions I did (and many were understandably aggravating) affected my ex. Same thing with my family, I haven't taken enough of an effort to understand that these things affect them, too. So I was definitely lacking in the "communication" department, and it's a big priority now to work on that.

Valuable observation, happynihilst.

[apollotech]

People with BPD - whose perceived emotional survival is based on the ability to attach and attempt to "merge" with another person - don't normally even attempt to attach to emotionally healthy people with strong boundaries.

The truth is that people who are emotionally healthy and have good boundaries will pick up on the mirroring, love-bombing, inconsistencies, etc., and will want nothing more to do with it. They won't ignore those red flags that we ignored in the beginning of our relationships, and they'll run the other way to protect themselves.

Accepting that we played a big role in the dysfunctional dance of a BPD relationship opens the door for us to discover ourselves and learn how to protect ourselves. That's the gift of these relationships, if we're willing to take the time to unwrap it.

I don't agree that one is essentially emotionally unhealthy if they enter into a relationship with a pwBPD. The above argument assumes that the Non, from the beginning, knows that the red flag behavior is permanent. Usually the problematic (deal breaking) manifestations of the disorder are not revealed until after the relationship is established. In the beginning, if I would have experienced what I did at the 3-4 month mark I would have never entered the relationship, emotional bonds would not have been formed. I was fooled/lied to/overwhelmed/whatever you want to call it; my decision making process was "gamed" from the beginning, bad information/lack of information generates bad decisions.

With all that said, did I see and ignore red flags? I only saw and ignored more than I care to count (I did see them in real time, going in.). Did I stay in longer than I should have? Absolutely! But I did those things out of hope and patience. I had hope that she'd eventually straighten out, thereby allowing us to move forward. I patiently stayed in to give the aforementioned prospect a chance to materialize. (While all of this was occurring I had never even heard of BPD. I thought her odd behavior was temporary; I had no idea that what I was witnessing/experiencing was a disorder.)

At the 8 month mark I finally accepted that things were just not going to work between us. I terminated the relationship and have since then practiced strict NC on my end. My weakness, my fault, was too much hope and patience. She taught me well that too much hope and patience in the wrong situation is a detriment to one's self. Lesson learned.

[fromheeltoheal]

She taught me well that too much hope and patience in the wrong situation is a detriment to one's self. Lesson learned.

Yes, it's better to fall in love with a person than their perceived potential.  

Here we all are, survivors of shtty relationships, some of them highly dysfunctional for a long time, some of them not so much of either, yet we all ended up here chatting for a reason, so we might as well make the experience mean something positive that serves us, and maybe pick up a tidbit of wisdom along the way.  Our future relationships will benefit.

[raisins3142]

She taught me well that too much hope and patience in the wrong situation is a detriment to one's self. Lesson learned.

Yes, it's better to fall in love with a person than their perceived potential.  

Here we all are, survivors of shtty relationships, some of them highly dysfunctional for a long time, some of them not so much of either, yet we all ended up here chatting for a reason, so we might as well make the experience mean something positive that serves us, and maybe pick up a tidbit of wisdom along the way.  Our future relationships will benefit.

Here here.

[raisins3142]

People with BPD - whose perceived emotional survival is based on the ability to attach and attempt to "merge" with another person - don't normally even attempt to attach to emotionally healthy people with strong boundaries.

The truth is that people who are emotionally healthy and have good boundaries will pick up on the mirroring, love-bombing, inconsistencies, etc., and will want nothing more to do with it. They won't ignore those red flags that we ignored in the beginning of our relationships, and they'll run the other way to protect themselves.

Accepting that we played a big role in the dysfunctional dance of a BPD relationship opens the door for us to discover ourselves and learn how to protect ourselves. That's the gift of these relationships, if we're willing to take the time to unwrap it.

I don't agree that one is essentially emotionally unhealthy if they enter into a relationship with a pwBPD. The above argument assumes that the Non, from the beginning, knows that the red flag behavior is permanent. Usually the problematic (deal breaking) manifestations of the disorder are not revealed until after the relationship is established. In the beginning, if I would have experienced what I did at the 3-4 month mark I would have never entered the relationship, emotional bonds would not have been formed. I was fooled/lied to/overwhelmed/whatever you want to call it; my decision making process was "gamed" from the beginning, bad information/lack of information generates bad decisions.

With all that said, did I see and ignore red flags? I only saw and ignored more than I care to count (I did see them in real time, going in.). Did I stay in longer than I should have? Absolutely! But I did those things out of hope and patience. I had hope that she'd eventually straighten out, thereby allowing us to move forward. I patiently stayed in to give the aforementioned prospect a chance to materialize. (While all of this was occurring I had never even heard of BPD. I thought her odd behavior was temporary; I had no idea that what I was witnessing/experiencing was a disorder.)

At the 8 month mark I finally accepted that things were just not going to work between us. I terminated the relationship and have since then practiced strict NC on my end. My weakness, my fault, was too much hope and patience. She taught me well that too much hope and patience in the wrong situation is a detriment to one's self. Lesson learned.

It is hard to find that sweet spot.

Imagine if you bailed just the second you thought you were pretty darn sure your SO is unhealthy?

Well there is a good chance you'd pass on good partners that really were going through a temporary and understandable thing.  If you always bailed kinda early, then there is probably a name for that issue too!

[raisins3142]

People with BPD - whose perceived emotional survival is based on the ability to attach and attempt to "merge" with another person - don't normally even attempt to attach to emotionally healthy people with strong boundaries.

The truth is that people who are emotionally healthy and have good boundaries will pick up on the mirroring, love-bombing, inconsistencies, etc., and will want nothing more to do with it. They won't ignore those red flags that we ignored in the beginning of our relationships, and they'll run the other way to protect themselves.

Accepting that we played a big role in the dysfunctional dance of a BPD relationship opens the door for us to discover ourselves and learn how to protect ourselves. That's the gift of these relationships, if we're willing to take the time to unwrap it.

I don't agree that one is essentially emotionally unhealthy if they enter into a relationship with a pwBPD. The above argument assumes that the Non, from the beginning, knows that the red flag behavior is permanent. Usually the problematic (deal breaking) manifestations of the disorder are not revealed until after the relationship is established. In the beginning, if I would have experienced what I did at the 3-4 month mark I would have never entered the relationship, emotional bonds would not have been formed. I was fooled/lied to/overwhelmed/whatever you want to call it; my decision making process was "gamed" from the beginning, bad information/lack of information generates bad decisions.

With all that said, did I see and ignore red flags? I only saw and ignored more than I care to count (I did see them in real time, going in.). Did I stay in longer than I should have? Absolutely! But I did those things out of hope and patience. I had hope that she'd eventually straighten out, thereby allowing us to move forward. I patiently stayed in to give the aforementioned prospect a chance to materialize. (While all of this was occurring I had never even heard of BPD. I thought her odd behavior was temporary; I had no idea that what I was witnessing/experiencing was a disorder.)

At the 8 month mark I finally accepted that things were just not going to work between us. I terminated the relationship and have since then practiced strict NC on my end. My weakness, my fault, was too much hope and patience. She taught me well that too much hope and patience in the wrong situation is a detriment to one's self. Lesson learned.

Agreed.

My 1st "real" gf ever (I was 19) was amazing for 6 months, then poop hit the fan.

Is being awesome to be a red flag now?

I guess you can always get around that by thinking you just did not see the obvious to folks without your set of issues. 

[raisins3142]

People with BPD - whose perceived emotional survival is based on the ability to attach and attempt to "merge" with another person - don't normally even attempt to attach to emotionally healthy people with strong boundaries.

The truth is that people who are emotionally healthy and have good boundaries will pick up on the mirroring, love-bombing, inconsistencies, etc., and will want nothing more to do with it. They won't ignore those red flags that we ignored in the beginning of our relationships, and they'll run the other way to protect themselves.

Accepting that we played a big role in the dysfunctional dance of a BPD relationship opens the door for us to discover ourselves and learn how to protect ourselves. That's the gift of these relationships, if we're willing to take the time to unwrap it.

I don't agree that one is essentially emotionally unhealthy if they enter into a relationship with a pwBPD. The above argument assumes that the Non, from the beginning, knows that the red flag behavior is permanent. Usually the problematic (deal breaking) manifestations of the disorder are not revealed until after the relationship is established. In the beginning, if I would have experienced what I did at the 3-4 month mark I would have never entered the relationship, emotional bonds would not have been formed. I was fooled/lied to/overwhelmed/whatever you want to call it; my decision making process was "gamed" from the beginning, bad information/lack of information generates bad decisions.

With all that said, did I see and ignore red flags? I only saw and ignored more than I care to count (I did see them in real time, going in.). Did I stay in longer than I should have? Absolutely! But I did those things out of hope and patience. I had hope that she'd eventually straighten out, thereby allowing us to move forward. I patiently stayed in to give the aforementioned prospect a chance to materialize. (While all of this was occurring I had never even heard of BPD. I thought her odd behavior was temporary; I had no idea that what I was witnessing/experiencing was a disorder.)

At the 8 month mark I finally accepted that things were just not going to work between us. I terminated the relationship and have since then practiced strict NC on my end. My weakness, my fault, was too much hope and patience. She taught me well that too much hope and patience in the wrong situation is a detriment to one's self. Lesson learned.

Reading your post over again, it strikes me that so much of the anger I feel towards myself stems from judging the relationship with the benefit of hindsight.

Knowing what I know now, those red flags would have been chartreuse/neon/blaze orange emblems visible from near Earth orbit.  But alas... .

[Grey Kitty]

Reading your post over again, it strikes me that so much of the anger I feel towards myself stems from judging the relationship with the benefit of hindsight.

One of the things I've been working on in myself is forgiveness. I've seen stuff in hindsight too. In my case, stuff that might have saved my marriage.

Forgive yourself for not knowing things before you learned them. 

[DyingLove]

I have to disagree with a lot that has been said. I did not enter into two BPD relationships because of shortcomings within me. I may have stayed longer than was healthy because of these shortcomings but they are not what attracted me. What attracted me was the lie. They conned me into believing they were someone diffferent. Someone honest and loving with the same values as me. I certainly wasnt attracted to the BPD behaviour that only showed itself months into the relationships.

Is it a bad thing to want to meet someone that shares your values and how will you ever meet that person if you never take a chance. Unfortunately for me it didnt work out but for plenty of thers it does.

I agree with this post.While I could understand that every body is posting the truth, and I also agree with the fact that it's not 100% the fault of the other person whom would be the BPD person in this case. But it's true that we don't all look at ourselves as injured. The crazy person doesn't think he's crazy in other words. In my situation the ex-girlfriend had BPD excuse me has BPD and not me. That's not to say that I am perfect or not perfect but being 59 years old already I have fit into a lot of situations where my reality and view on things perfectly matches everything else going on. Of course I can't say that now, just being out of the relationship.

On 19 March, I was finally able to leave the dwelling of the BPD girlfriend. The breakup was on February 7 and I was not able to get out until then. It was pure hell, worse than being in the relationship. I did it all while she was at work so that I wouldn't have to see her and she would have to see me and any of the reacting that went on in between. At 6:02 PM, I received a text from her the text read "So, I guess you aren't here." I did not reply to that text and not even a minute later there was a phone call. I did not answer the call and she did not leave a message. That is all the contact I have received since the 19th and today is the 24th.

I discovered feelings and emotions in this time that her beyond comparison. At this point I realize that I don't miss her, I don't miss anything about her or her family. I do miss what ever it was that filled the empty void within me. I'm very emotional right now and find myself in tears at the most inopportune times. I do feel welcomed and loved where I am now, and you can't beat that with a stick.

I felt I needed to include something heartfelt in this reply, because it hurts to think that anyone would not simplifies or amplifies with a significant other in a BPD relationship. Oh yes we are hurting and we are not 100% well anymore, but we really didn't go consciously looking for it either. After reading all the posts about hate texts and phone calls and emails, I feel slighted or even disappointed that all I have on my scoreboard is a short text in an unanswered phone call. I don't think anybody's going to tell me that the lack of communication in this case is not her trying to control me further. I'm trying hard to look forward and not back, but until you actually leave and go through the next step, you can't really understand the heartbreak that is still there.

All the answers here in this thread are really really good especially the reposts and all the personal experiences.

This seems to be a big difference in a person who will admit they have BPD and try to deal with issues versus a person who will not admit or take responsibility at all. My ex-girlfriend was the latter of the two. Well, time to heal now, and there's nothing like keeping busy and getting back to work. BPD took so much from me, I hate BPD. On the other hand I do not hate people, so I will always continue to be someone who sees a person and not an affliction. Does this make sense?

[LimboFL]

Great conversation. I don't know if I would call hindsight a benefit, in my case. It has left me with more questions than answers. Chances are even with hindsight, I probably would have stayed as long as I did and more, if she hadn't crossed certain boundaries.

I am not a big fan of the whole "we are damaged that is why we fell for our pwBPD". Find me anyone on this planet who doesn't have their issues. I don't deny having mine, but I have been in perfectly healthy relationships all with the same childhood baggage I had before. If I felt safe, secure and that the relationship was a two way street, then I held on. That is my biggest trait, I ride the storms, because I still believe that in normal relationships, if you ride the storms you can come out happier with your partner and more in love than you were before. I watched my parents do it.

Do I have regrets about things that I did or what life threw at me at the time of the relationship, yes, I do. If I had known this or known that. Would it have mattered? I don't know, but I doubt it. Maybe education could have extended the relationship longer but it would likely have ended the same way that it did. Me, heart broken and her, well who knows where she is now. The less I know the better.

One common theme I have been attaching too is that the people who take the longest to heal are the ones who either have no choice but to remain in LC, live in the same smaller town where everyone knows everyone or chances of bumping into your ex are higher or those who abuse themselves by checking facebook or asking friends who might be aware of what their ex is up to. Those of us who somehow break free clean, it seems to take us less time. With that said, I am still here on these boards and still have my moments of pain, but those moments are less acute, with every passing day.

The other thing that I haven't taken to very kindly are the people who completely dehumanize our ex's, make them sound like or even call them animals. Maybe it's a defense mechanism but I don't like it. Our ex's didn't ask for the childhood they had, they were innocent young children desperate for the love we hoped we could give them. They didn't ask to be hurt or abused. One of the very reasons why I stayed with my ex for longer than I probably wanted to was exactly because I didn't want to be yet another person in her life that left her.

Just today, a male poster with BPD started a thread and he brought something up that caused me to tear up, that no matter what our ex BPD's say or do, they are hurting about their betrayal and what they have done to us. That they don't even know how to control it. It has taken all of my strength not to completely break down, because empathy played a huge role in my wanting to stay through the difficulties.

The strength I have now is founded on the question "what about me? when does my pain matter? What do I have to do to stop my pain?" The answer is... .to leave her behind. I would have dealt with it all but not the lies and the replacement. I am better than that, no matter what her reasons for leaving a man who sacrificed a great deal, endured a great deal for her. To the point I started this paragraph with. I joined BPD Family because there is empathy from most of it's members for both sides of the relationship, not just we nons and I hope that this will continue to be the trend, because I will always love my ex BPDgf and will never allow the neighsayers to make me believe that there wasn't love in return, just that it was too complicated a set of emotions for my ex to deal with.

Dyinglove, your story is heartbreaking, like all of us here you sound like a very caring and kind man and I think that this, not mental disorders of our own, is the tie that binds us. Kindness, empathy, caring and a resolve to not give up when the going gets tough. Someone else said it in another post. We are fixers by nature, we have such compassion that when we run across someone who has suffered, we stop to help. The other day I was in my local supermarket and a blind man was trying to navigate through a swarm of people who were simply stepping by him. I stopped and asked him what he was looking for. I walked him through the aisles for 20 minutes gathering all of the things he needed and then brought him to the checkout. I didn't feel sorry for him, I just wanted to help him through a brief life ordeal that he has likely done countless times, without any help. I wanted to do this for my ex, I wanted to be her guide and lover through life, but I couldn't, I couldn't because it would have meant sacrificing myself.

I didn't fall in love with a lie, I fell in love with the broken soul that was crying out for someone to love. She was beautiful inside and out but the disorder kept burying the person I loved under a pile of rubble. I couldn't dig fast enough and I lost her.

Now I have broken down, I guess I am not out of it yet.

Thanks for listening.

[livednlearned]

It's not about having issues or being damaged. You've been in a BPD relationship and probably have darn good defenses or feel flooded with hurt when you feel criticized, so anything that feels like black/white thinking or feels critical is going to step on your defense mechanisms. It keeps you in the boxing ring, long after your BPD ex is gone.

It's about learning what patterns of relating to people you have, especially intimate romantic partners. When we feel someone pulling away from us, we respond in specific ways. We create attachments with people that can be secure, or not secure. These are often patterns we learned as kids, usually from our parents. They're just patterns, that's all. They aren't good or bad, necessarily, because for some of us, these patterns were exactly what we needed to get by. It's likely, though, that you don't need those patterns anymore. Time to change up a bit and tweak things so you don't end up in another abusive relationship.

You can be a great person, very warm and loving, good intentions, but maybe you don't recognize how, at critical moments in the relationship, you respond in ways that don't resolve the anxiety you feel about your partner when he or she pulls away, or when he or she invades boundaries.

Don't worry about whether you are damaged or not damaged, good or bad, have issues or no issues. Look at the patterns. Try to understand what happens in healthy relationships and focus on that. Compare that with what you do in relationships.

The subject of this post is about understanding why people with BPD drag us through the coals and destroy our lives. For me, my BPD relationship was traumatizing, the hardest thing in my life I've ever experienced, and I did feel dragged through the coals, thanks in part to family law court. But it did not destroy my life. What it taught me is that I don't like having my boundaries trampled. So I figured out what my boundaries were, a real lightbulb moment, and with a lot of hard work and practice, started enforcing them. I also decided that when people pull away from me, I don't chase them anymore. I figured out ways to let my current partner know that I love him, and learned to make room for him to solve his own problems.

And a bunch of other things that feel healthier. Small tweaks, big changes. 

[LimboFL]

Very well said, livenlearned, I believe that when the time is right and I am in a new relationship so much of what of what I am processing now will play itself out. Buttons were pushed in me that had never been pushed before and in fact I didn't ever expect to be pushed. I witnessed and experienced things, a way of being that I never thought existed or at least that I felt very distant to. It has, in it's own way been an awakening an undesired epiphany. For all that I thought I had lived, I had always watched that world from a safe distance, but now I feel part of it, for as much as I am trying to again distance myself from it. It is akin to the difference between someone with book smarts and someone with street smarts. I have had plenty of the latter but not at this level.

Now that every boundary that I can think of has been breached, I will be much stronger the next time should a new partner try to walk over them, at least I hope so.

I guess the things that bothers me most is that I could have probably left his earth without having many of those boundaries crossed so it begs the question as to why these lessons were thrust upon us. Was it to make us wiser because we lacked that wisdom or... .

Anyway, I have a growing respect for the moderators on this site. You offer a great deal of compassionate wisdom . I am at a point where I believe I can offer some insight myself but then I find myself in pain again, but have come to terms with the fact that this is part of the process. One thing is for sure, the old adage that what doesn't break us, makes use stronger and wiser becomes more and more apt, with each and every passing day. A joke that I regularly refer to is my recall of a day in my teenage years when I remember looking up at all of the parents gathered at one of my parents parties and thinking "man, look at them, they have their sh## together, they have the benefit of wisdom and age, I can't wait to get there" Man, could I have been more wrong. As I grew older and my parents started sharing the difficulties of all of these same people, finances, relationships... .now, at 47, I realize that things don't get easier, that the lessons just keep on coming. The ones that survive are those that manage to pick themselves up after getting kicked down and move forward. I am and will continue to do so but clearly I have some more mountain to go up before I reach the easy breezy slide down.

Thank you livenlearned and everyone on BPD Family. What an amazing bunch of people. It would be cool one day to have a gathering somewhere, someday. A BPD Family reunion. No crying allowed. !

[HappyNihilist]

It's about learning what patterns of relating to people you have, especially intimate romantic partners.

This is a far better way of saying what I was trying to say. Thank you, LnL.

I should have realized that "issues" is a loaded term. I meant it as a catch-all for "things that need to be addressed to ensure healthy relationships." FOO stuff, codependency, caregiving, unhealthy attachment styles, a need for stronger boundaries, situational vulnerabilities, etc... .things that make people vulnerable to unhealthy relationships.

Time to change up a bit and tweak things so you don't end up in another abusive relationship.

Don't worry about whether you are damaged or not damaged, good or bad, have issues or no issues. Look at the patterns. Try to understand what happens in healthy relationships and focus on that. Compare that with what you do in relationships.

[Nevergiveuponhope]

Underneath the surface of any person suffering a mental health condition lies a reason why ? ... .Sometimes it takes a person with great empathy and strength, let alone patience and more than anything LOVE... to try and help these people we meet to overcome their fears, their faults. Their thought processes... .To possibly find a way back... .

I was accused of having BPD by my partner of near on 5 years! I adored this man! Yet throughout the relationship he falsely accused, insulted, fought... We both were very insecure through both of us enduring childhood trauma! Yet his accusations were built on his paranoid mind and not reality... I never socialised with friends, I would rather be with him, spending quality time together doing the things we both enjoyed in life... .We seemed to 'get it all' as we'd both say... .I did see narcissistic traits in him ( couldn't have your own opinion etc... ) ... but over time ... I felt I was walking on eggshells ... Becoming drained ... Trying to explain and hoping he would see... .But I was discarded after narcissistic rage! He was turning it all on me , saying I was BPD! ... .That's when I started to read up on npd/ BPD/ PTSD etc... .There WERE patterns I related to ... .but I was heartbroken he never saw a woman who was just trying to show him he was loved! ... .I'm struggling as it's been a month apart . And I have never felt so empty in my life as I do now... .You just know when you connect ... But why is it so hard to just live a simple life and love unconditionally ... Help each other along if past trauma issues have occurred ... .But I was there still through every wrong insult, every wrong accusation ... The name calling ... I hoped he would see! ... .5 years!  To now NOTHING... I'm kind of lost now... .I know this will take me YEARS  to recover from! If at all... .

[Mutt]

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