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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Can't get past being angry  (Read 829 times)
ShadowIntheNight
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« on: March 21, 2015, 05:06:07 PM »

It's been 7 months since my uBPDexgf uncerimoniously dumped me via a note in my birthday card (she mailed it to me). Since then we have had only one exchange of emails and I did apologize for the vitriolic diatribe I launched at her when I received the note. She then told me that my behavior had made her reconsider our entire relationship (we were together 9.5 yrs). For reference, when I called she did not pick up the phone, it went straight to voicemail. Also, in our entire time together I had never cursed at her, yelled at her, or called her a name. As a rule I try to think before I speak. In my defense, my exgf did the fade away, then sends me this typed note telling me she's decided to start seeing men again. All of this after she had gone through a 2.5 year custody battle with her exH. We were a lesbian couple but she wasn't out to any of her family as clearly my exgf has severe internalized homophobia. I haven't spoken to her since then, but I have received monthly hang up calls.

My problem is this. I feel like I want to confront her as she never gave me any explanation for her actions other than to say she was "going down a different path." She never told me what had changed her mind so dramatically, tho I know the day the judge gave his ruling she was enraged and told me "if I have to find some man to eff to keep my kids in private school, then that's what I'm going to do." She didn't lose, but she got smacked down for sure and instead of thanking me for all of my support and for loving her, she hung up after making her comment. To say I was stunned is an understatement. I never confronted her about that comment because frankly, I didn't  want my face chewed off and knew she was stressed out. I realize now while I was reviewing the legal document that would become the new court order, she was looking for my replacement.

The issue for me confronting her is that I get so enraged when I think about her actions, about what she did to me, about how violated I feel, about the financial support I gave her all of these years as well as the emotional and loving support, that I find myself getting enraged. I have been stuck at this place since January. I think about her leaving with no explanation. I think about her having the gall to tell me she is rethinking our entire relationship over a 2 minute phone call. I think about her using me last Spring when I was working in good faith to be sure she and her kids weren't going to be screwed over, and her going out on dates to find my replacement. I think about how even if she said I'm sorry I couldn't stand to touch her knowing she deliberately went looking for someone to have sex with. And most of all, I think about how whomever she is with now she has made up some lie about the last 10 years of her life. It hurts me to my core.

So I feel I need to confront her, but I know with all of the rage I have inside of me about all of this, whatever I said would turn me into that raging loon last summer. My T and I have talked about it and she believes in time the rage will settle. But honestly it feels worse every day. I think the longer she ignores me the more enraged I get. has anyone ever gone through deep, deep anger many, many months after an ex just up and disappeared without explanation.? I know people say it's like a death, but really it's not. With death you know they aren't coming back ever. Like this, I know she is alive running around having a life and I'm still just trying to get thru the freaking day. Thanks.

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Loosestrife
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« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2015, 05:59:59 PM »

Hi Shadow

I'm not surprised you feel angry, what a crappy way to be told in a birthday card. No one deserves that! How can you put your anger to good use so you feel good about you and hopefully move past this horrible phase?

L
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2015, 07:05:48 PM »

Hi Shadow

I'm not surprised you feel angry, what a crappy way to be told in a birthday card. No one deserves that! How can you put your anger to good use so you feel good about you and hopefully move past this horrible phase?

L

Thanks. That's the rub. The whole matter has left me so shaken that I feel no motivation toward anything. I do stuff; I get things accomplished. But I just don't care about anything. What really bothers me is I don't feel that I'll ever trust anyone again. I'll always be waiting for the shoe to drop. My ex is a LPC (therapist), and I figured I'd finally met someone who had their head screwed on right. 10 years and I never heard the word Borderline until 3 months after she was gone.
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Suzn
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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2015, 07:19:35 PM »

She didn't lose, but she got smacked down for sure

She had to blame SOMEbody for the smack down. She's not capable of looking at what the judge said as a sign there needs to be improvement on her end.

I spent 5 years in and out of court with my ex over custody with her ex husband. She always lost getting residential custody of her son because her ex husband paid detectives to catch her. He had license plate numbers for everyone that came to her house. And there were a lot of them. She had a DUI. She also was an alcoholic with a long history of partying. He knew, he had been married to her. Her story? He and his attorney are friends with or paid off the judge. Not that she kept messing up.
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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2015, 07:57:23 PM »

She didn't lose, but she got smacked down for sure

She had to blame SOMEbody for the smack down. She's not capable of looking at what the judge said as a sign there needs to be improvement on her end.

I spent 5 years in and out of court with my ex over custody with her ex husband. She always lost getting residential custody of her son because her ex husband paid detectives to catch her. He had license plate numbers for everyone that came to her house. And there were a lot of them. She had a DUI. She also was an alcoholic with a long history of partying. He knew, he had been married to her. Her story? He and his attorney are friends with or paid off the judge. Not that she kept messing up.

Fortunately my ex didn't have those kinds of issues. She really is a good mother. But I wasn't in the courtroom and I only have her word as to what transpired. She was quite happy with her " performance." She said that she answered his attorney's questions directly and precisely, but with what the judge did, it makes me wonder if he saw something from her on the stand. My ex had been exhibiting a lot of grandiose attitudes in the last few years. It was a surprising change from how she had been the first 6 or 7 years we were together. So the judge may have caught a whiff of that from her on the stand.

But I think you may be on to something about someone having to pay for what happened to her, and clearly it looks to have been me.
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Technique
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« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2015, 08:02:34 PM »

I am 6 months out from mine and to be honest I can't believe how far I've come since we split. She left me angry and confused. However I've discovered it was ALL about the 'Fog' and once that lifted I could see the wood for the trees.

It's what I allowed her to take from me which hurts, but I've learned that she's the loser in all of this, and I've moved on. I used to waste hours wondering where it all went wrong.

The only thing wrong was me trying to analyse someone with a mental illness. Yes, we've all done the 'I want to confront her/him' routine, but I've come to the conclusion that it's pretty pointless. Why's? and If's... .

Mine is caught in a loop which she will continue for the next twenty years just as she did with the first twenty.

Me? I'm moving on to healthier waters... and you will too... .

THEIR loss my friend... Their loss!
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Suzn
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« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2015, 08:06:48 PM »

my exgf did the fade away, then sends me this typed note telling me she's decided to start seeing men again. All of this after she had gone through a 2.5 year custody battle with her exH. We were a lesbian couple but she wasn't out to any of her family as clearly my exgf has severe internalized homophobia.

I think she gave you a reason here. This may have been brought up in court. And maybe not but something triggered her shame.

I know how much this hurts Shadow. I would keep in mind that even if you confronted her that her reasons today may be different from the reason she had the day she made this decision and also would she be honest? She may not even really realize the full reason if that makes sense. I'm sorry thing is so hard.
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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
ShadowIntheNight
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 442


« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2015, 09:15:45 PM »

my exgf did the fade away, then sends me this typed note telling me she's decided to start seeing men again. All of this after she had gone through a 2.5 year custody battle with her exH. We were a lesbian couple but she wasn't out to any of her family as clearly my exgf has severe internalized homophobia.

I think she gave you a reason here. This may have been brought up in court. And maybe not but something triggered her shame.

I know how much this hurts Shadow. I would keep in mind that even if you confronted her that her reasons today may be different from the reason she had the day she made this decision and also would she be honest? She may not even really realize the full reason if that makes sense. I'm sorry thing is so hard.

I hope you don't mind, I sent you a PM. Thanks.
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apollotech
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« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2015, 11:15:08 PM »

Shadow,

Be careful here. She can easily control and wreck your next relationship, and I know that you don't want that. Her wrecking y'all's relationship is enough. Don't bring her into your next relationship.

"What really bothers me is I don't feel that I'll ever trust anyone again. I'll always be waiting for the shoe to drop."
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