Is the money worth it?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm about a month removed from my breakup with BPDexgf. Tried to be friends briefly but her post relationships boundaries were really poor, so I decided to get as much distance as I could. The only thing was she owed me 650$ from when I bailed her out of jail (ha, yep). It had been 4 months and I thought it was about time for her to start paying me back some amount. I tried to be nice about the whole thing, but she got mad at me for conducting too much small talk when I would ask her about the money. Then the first time she paid me a little back she basically forced me to meet with her in person so she could tell me a lot of hurtful things about how badly I was treating her (mind you this was because like on two occasions I tried to follow up with her on about whether or not she would pay me back on a date SHE had set).

I didn't really think I had acted inappropriatelt, but I apologized for hurting her with how I handled and told her I would try to do differently in the future in consideration of her feelings. She basically said she was done with me as a person, that it was just business now and she just wanted to pay me and move on. I said that was probably for the best and I asked her how she wanted to handle it. She said she would start by paying me back this week and go from there. When I said it might be best for me if she dropped the money in my mail slot or gave it to one of my roommates, she got pissed, bailed on find conversation and said she would discuss it later. Well, yesterday was Friday and she hadn't contacted me, so I texted her. She tells me she'll pay me back NEXT Friday. I'm like... .Okay, not what we discussed, but I didn't want to argue so I just said thanks. She also asked if I unfriended her from Facebook, and I told her I had. I said it would be best to limit social media ties since this was more of a business deal at this point. I feel bad that I went there because I was definitely throwing some of her own words back at her, and I wish I hadn't.

Then about an hour later she texts me to say that she would have to delay paying me back even longer because she just broke her phone and needed to deal with that. I'm just getting to the point where I'm losing patience. I wanted to tell her to be an adult and prioritize paying me back, maybe go without an iPhone for a while, but I knew it would just be more drama which is probably what she wants, also she's probably testing my limits to see what she can get away with. But I don't know if it's worth it anymore. I feel like there will always be a reason she can't do the right thing, or she'll be non communicative which will force me to keep her on schedule, which will then just lead to her calling me an ass for trying to get her to pay me back.

I don't know. Any thoughts?

[mrwigand]

I'm about a month removed from my breakup with BPDexgf. Tried to be friends briefly but her post relationships boundaries were really poor, so I decided to get as much distance as I could. The only thing was she owed me 650$ from when I bailed her out of jail (ha, yep). It had been 4 months and I thought it was about time for her to start paying me back some amount. I tried to be nice about the whole thing, but she got mad at me for conducting too much small talk when I would ask her about the money. Then the first time she paid me a little back she basically forced me to meet with her in person so she could tell me a lot of hurtful things about how badly I was treating her (mind you this was because like on two occasions I tried to follow up with her on about whether or not she would pay me back on a date SHE had set).

I didn't really think I had acted inappropriatelt, but I apologized for hurting her with how I handled and told her I would try to do differently in the future in consideration of her feelings. She basically said she was done with me as a person, that it was just business now and she just wanted to pay me and move on. I said that was probably for the best and I asked her how she wanted to handle it. She said she would start by paying me back this week and go from there. When I said it might be best for me if she dropped the money in my mail slot or gave it to one of my roommates, she got pissed, bailed on find conversation and said she would discuss it later. Well, yesterday was Friday and she hadn't contacted me, so I texted her. She tells me she'll pay me back NEXT Friday. I'm like... .Okay, not what we discussed, but I didn't want to argue so I just said thanks. She also asked if I unfriended her from Facebook, and I told her I had. I said it would be best to limit social media ties since this was more of a business deal at this point. I feel bad that I went there because I was definitely throwing some of her own words back at her, and I wish I hadn't.

Then about an hour later she texts me to say that she would have to delay paying me back even longer because she just broke her phone and needed to deal with that. I'm just getting to the point where I'm losing patience. I wanted to tell her to be an adult and prioritize paying me back, maybe go without an iPhone for a while, but I knew it would just be more drama which is probably what she wants, also she's probably testing my limits to see what she can get away with. But I don't know if it's worth it anymore. I feel like there will always be a reason she can't do the right thing, or she'll be non communicative which will force me to keep her on schedule, which will then just lead to her calling me an ass for trying to get her to pay me back.

I don't know. Any thoughts?

[Glutton4punishment]

I lost 25 thousand dollars to my ex wife and we were only married for eleven months. Call it stupid tax and let it go.

[hope2727]

I lost $$ a career and a great deal more to my ex and the madness that went with him. I would let it go. "Stupid tax" awesome term... .Smart tax might be better as we have all learned so much. In 50 years you won't even think of the money. So don't let it ruin your life now.

[Loosestrife]

Your money or your life? 

[HappyNihilist]

I like the "smart tax"/"stupid tax" idea.  I agree with glutton and hope - it's probably best for your well-being to just let it go.

Luckily, money never came into play in my BPD r/s. My exBPDbf was far too "proud" to ask for or accept any money from me, even if he had needed it. But I've loaned/given enough money to family and friends over my life that my general rule of thumb now is not even to loan it unless I'm good with never seeing that money again. The last time this happened was about 7 months ago, when I loaned over $500 to a friend who promised to start paying it back soon... .three guesses as to whether or not any money has made its way into my hands from that.

[hope2727]

Your money or your life? 

AMEN!

You could work part time at anything and make that back but the pain and damage to your soul that will occur trying to collect it isn't worth it.

[Vatz]

Let it go. Trust me. Its not your home, its not your livelihood, at this point its the principle of the matter which doesn't amount to much.

Just be glad you didn't end up like some others here who lost thousands and then some. You know what expense you should really be mad about? Time .

The most valuable thing you lost was time and you ain't getting it back. You're only going to waste MORE time dealing with her. This is time you could use to move on. 650 isn't all that much in the grand scheme of things.

If you do pursue this, you'll just stress yourself. What if you find out she's got the money but spending it on her new man? What if she somehow convinces the next sucker to stand up for her and say you're trying to take what isn't yours. Man, too much drama.

[willtimeheal]

Let it go. She knows if she doesn't pay you, you will contact her. My exBPDgf owes me $1300.  I let it go. I want  nothing to do with that crazy person. In my opinion I got out cheap.

[Warney]

Mine is trying to keep the 2 houses and money in $100 of thousands.

Ill fight for that ,thou lawyers do the talking now, but $650 id walk away and tell her its a gift.

[Turkish]

Money can be replaced; the "debt," undone, and some of us are much more severely impacted financially than others. It's the emotional impact which remains, like usery.

[BorisAcusio]

I agree wholeheartedly with the previous posts. You got out very cheap, at least financial wise, and thank God, you don't have any remaining ties with her that will lock you up in the drama for decades to come. Consider it a gift and let it go.

I personally regret any effort spent on recovering my easily replacable stuff from her.

[mrwigand]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice! I sent her a message basically telling her to pay me back what she can, when she can manage it and good luck with everything. I don't plan to contact her again.

[hope2727]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice! I sent her a message basically telling her to pay me back what she can, when she can manage it and good luck with everything. I don't plan to contact her again.

Good job. Now don't contact her. Consider it a life lesson and go be healthy and happy. Hugs.

[downwhim]

I agree with Vatz, time... .I wasted 8 years of my life. I can't get that back... ever... .Let the money go. The dramatic game she will play isn't worth it.

[sun seeker]

   Hey all

 way the options I bet what you have learned and what you got rid of (BPDer)  is of greater value than the monetary  loss. You got off cheap my friend .

[FracturedReality]

It's absolutely not worth the money.


You bailed her out, be grateful. Most people in relationships with these people end up getting arrested themselves for their shenanigans. I got arrested and had to pay $1,500 in legal fees, but I figure it's a lesson for staying with someone like her for so long. At least no legal action was recorded on my record.



It's not worth your well being. Walk away.

[mrwigand]

It's absolutely not worth the money.


You bailed her out, be grateful. Most people in relationships with these people end up getting arrested themselves for their shenanigans. I got arrested and had to pay $1,500 in legal fees, but I figure it's a lesson for staying with someone like her for so long. At least no legal action was recorded on my record.



It's not worth your well being. Walk away.

Ha, good point. I never thought of it like that. But I certainly agree with what you and others have said.

Also, she did pay me back 200$ before hemming and hawing about how to handle the rest. Honestly, $200 was more than I even expected, so I feel like I can walk away very cleanly. I told her to pay me back when and if she can, but that was my last communication to her and I don't plan to initiate contact with her again. If she pays me back the rest of the money it will be a nice bonus, but truthfully it might actually be better for me if she didn't because then we will have no need to contact each other at all. Somehow passive aggressiveness or silent treatment, or unnecessarily hurtful words and actions, or boundary crossing always make their way into the equation when we communicate recently.

[FracturedReality]

It's absolutely not worth the money.


You bailed her out, be grateful. Most people in relationships with these people end up getting arrested themselves for their shenanigans. I got arrested and had to pay $1,500 in legal fees, but I figure it's a lesson for staying with someone like her for so long. At least no legal action was recorded on my record.



It's not worth your well being. Walk away.

Ha, good point. I never thought of it like that. But I certainly agree with what you and others have said.

Also, she did pay me back 200$ before hemming and hawing about how to handle the rest. Honestly, $200 was more than I even expected, so I feel like I can walk away very cleanly. I told her to pay me back when and if she can, but that was my last communication to her and I don't plan to initiate contact with her again. If she pays me back the rest of the money it will be a nice bonus, but truthfully it might actually be better for me if she didn't because then we will have no need to contact each other at all. Somehow passive aggressiveness or silent treatment, or unnecessarily hurtful words and actions, or boundary crossing always make their way into the equation when we communicate recently.

And they always will

[Pingo]

I personally regret any effort spent on recovering my easily replacable stuff from her.

Me too! Mine left me with thousands of dollars of debt and he took a bunch of my personal things. I wish I had just willingly let it go but it was after several attempts to get my stuff back that I realised it wasn't worth the game-playing he was doing. Took away so much energy and my dignity. So as a symbolic gesture for myself, I went out and replaced the 'things' and decided to write off the debt as an expensive lesson learned. I forced NC by threatening him with a RO 4 mths ago and haven't heard a peep... .it's finally given me the break I needed to start to truly recover.

[ugghh]

Think of it as paying for a life lesson.   Every time you contact her you are empowering her to keep control.

Let it go.