I need help Here is my story...

[drunkenfr]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post online after almost 10 years since last time I posted something online, feel like a prisoner just got out of jail

Anyway, here is my story, I'm a Chinese guy living with my BPD-wife (she's from south korea) in west Canada currently, I met my wife in 2010 summer in Vancouver, at that time, I was living in Quebec (french province in canada), we met online, she just moved to vancouver from korea feeling lonely and looking for friend,i was single looking for mingle, so we hit it up real quick and I traveled to vancouver to see her, and I suggested her to move to quebec so she can immigrate to canada easier, after a month, she decided to move to quebec and live with me, she knew that I'm interested in her and she didn't have strong feeling about me at that time, but she feel safe to be with me, so we've been living together since 2010 fall, the beginning was allright, we are getting closer and closer, I suggested her to marry me to get the visa which she agreed after few weeks living with me, we married in Oct 2010, before our marriage, I started noticing that her reaction to regular things is much more intense than others, e.g. she couldn't find her sunglasses, she would call me loudly like there is fire or explosion in the house, she talk and laughed extremely loud, i feel weird but I didn't know what exactly it was, before our marriage, we strated having arguments, one time, I wait her for dinner or something, she came to the place to see me and became angry saying that I am like chicken breast which means super boring, she blamed me for not being able to be a romantic guy and she hit me and run away, I chased her a while and I lost her, later on she called blaming why I am not around her, I kept apologizing for things that I have no ideas ... .still we got married as i think there is no one in the world can help her if i refuse to marry her, so I married her with the hope to change both of us, however, things are getting worse and worse, during the time I was helping her applying visa, we had a lots of fight , she verbally mentally physically abused me every once in a while, under such intensive and violence life style, I successfully helped her to get the visa to become a permanent resident in Canada, HOWEVER, she was so angry about me helping her to immigrate to canada as she think this is not the right way , i made her feel shame and I made her feel lonely, I feel so mortified and hopeless, we ended up separated two year ago and I moved to west coast 2 years ago, she stayed in quebec, 6 months ago she moved to west coast to stay with me , before she moved in , she told me that that realized that lots of things that she did to me are wrong, she would treat me much better, so i fell for it again and let her moved in with me, after that, things are getting more and more violence, we called 911 almost everything month because of our fight, now I also become violence, when she started hit me, I will hit her back and we don't have friend and family , so most of the time, just me and her , physically fighting / hitting each other in our house from night till the crack of dawn, our furnitures are mostly broken, my shirts are usually new as they are tore up by my BPD wife every month, we don't have pictures as they are all tore up, there are blood stain on our bedroom wall, i don't have much money left, i spent most of money hiding in the hotel, we don't have any friend as we focused only to our arguments, we don't have family around us either, I feel so devastated and hopeless, no one can help us, we are destroying each other day by day, the issues between us is so trivial though, she blame me that I don't care her enough, I told her that I have tried all my best and she told me that I am not, btw, I have a decent and well paid government job, but it is very stressful, I work 10 hours minimum per day and I do all the house work and I pay all the bill and I prepare fllower and romantic trip for her, she Donetsk have a job, she doesn't want to study, she doesn't want to do anything but being depressed and she spend all her energy blaming me, however, she has her windows open for 1 or 2 hours a week, when that happens, she would tell me that she feel sorry and she shouldn't do those things to me, however, most of the time, she just blaming me  , verbally physically abusing me while i'm making all the money and house work, now I almost broke, i might lose my job and everything, I told her that I made my decision to divorce, however, she can't accept the fact yet, she think that she will eventually divorce me but not now, she has to find the job first as this is the weakest moment for her, she can't accept divorce yet, what should I do, should i keep hiding without seeing her, or should I help her to get her life back in a new city ? anyone from vancouver canada ? I need your help ... .:'(

[Loosestrife]

Hi, sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you both need to separate (if that's possible) so you can get your head clear... .can you stay with a friend for a while?

[drunkenfr]

Hi, sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you both need to separate (if that's possible) so you can get your head clear... .can you stay with a friend for a while?

Thanks for replying, I have no friends, no family, same thing for my BPD wife, I am thinking about moving to a cheat rental place for few months, the biggest challenge is how to go through divorce with her without creating more pain, she still want to talk to me everyday , she need my help to get a job and get a new/ independent life, however, if I keep talking to her, i don't think that would help for the divorce, it is very heartbreaking to say goodbye to someone you've been living with for 5 years ... . 

[drunkenfr]

she's living in my house right now and I'm moving around living cheap rental places, we live in the same city anyway, so I also don't know how can i give both of us a closure and move forward... .

[tryingtohelp]

Hello drunkenfr

The best option for you is to think of your own health, and keep away from her, have no contact with her , after what you have been through there is no likelihood of this ever becoming a healthy relationship.

[Loosestrife]

Hello drunkenfr

The best option for you is to think of your own health, and keep away from her, have no contact with her , after what you have been through there is no likelihood of this ever becoming a healthy relationship.

I have to agree with trying to help... .I hope you can get some legal advice and break away soon. Look after yourself  and let us know how it goes

[drunkenfr]

Hello,tryingtohelp and loosestrife, thanks for helpful opinions, there are good memories with my wife as well, sometimes it just so difficult to let go, she still call me almost every day and she becomes angry if I didn't answer the phone, she wants me to go back home to live with her until she moves out and she is planning to take DBT therapy, but I think as long as the violence exist, I should stay away from her, the challenge is what strategy I can use to avoid creating more pain.

[Mutt]

Hi drunkenfr,



I'm sorry your going through this.

She may move out or may not.

She's planning to take DBT.

Is there a chance perhaps she's saying this so that you come back?

I think you have the right idea as long as there's violence it's a good idea to stay out of it.

What's the challenge? Are you worried about how she is going to fare?

[drunkenfr]

Hi drunkenfr,



I'm sorry your going through this.

She may move out or may not.

She's planning to take DBT.

Is there a chance perhaps she's saying this so that you come back?

I think you have the right idea as long as there's violence it's a good idea to stay out of it.

What's the challenge? Are you worried about how she is going to fare?

Hi Mutt, thanks for your reply, I am really on the edge of dieing and the worse part is that I have to work, and the worse of the worse part is that this is the best of the best job I ever had, I spent many many year study hard scarifying many things from me and my family to have today's career, my grandma passed away few years ago which is due to me studying overseas, my grandma couldn't see the doctor because our family put all the money to me, now i had great amount of guilty towards my grandma and I am about to lose my job , I feel so bad ... .

yes, I worried about how my wife is going to fare, she has enough money to keep her for few years, but she dosen't want to do anything, she just want to cry out loud like crazy every day and call me to let me feel the pain and blame me for everything, bring her flowers and doing the house work, dropping all the important meeting for her , paying all the bills for her, giving her my townhouse to live, everything become my fault , she hate me for everything, she cried so badly over the phone to me all the time at work and at night, I don't see any light, again, no one knows what is  happening, her family is far away, my family too, we are just going to die in the end, even policy can't help, i guess police will intervene when either me or her lost arms or something, we need to hurt each other physically enough to go to the hospital, hitting me head and my chest, kicking me all around my body are not serious enough to go the hospital, I don't have any hope ,we both are dieing, even i want to live, but i can't becuase of her.

[Mike-X]

Have you read about no-contact? Maybe in time, you can learn some techniques for interacting with her, but given what you have written, it seems that you need to focus on your health and well-being right now.

Also, how was she managing when she first moved from Korea?

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother.

Your wife is triggered with abandonment fears.

She's calling you blaming and wanting you to take care of her.

Mike-X makes two important points.

Taking care of yourself.

Also, how was she managing when she first moved from Korea?

How did she manage?

[drunkenfr]

Thanks Mike-X and Mutt, when she came to Canada from Korea, she managed everything by herself working as waitress in the restaurant to make ends meet while looking for Mr. right, she was not depressed at that time, I know she could manage well at that time with only $2000 as a foreign worker, now she got enough money to live for 1 or two years and she become permanent resident,  she gained 4 years Canadian working experience in school administration filed, now she can't face to everything because we are heading for divorce, she is too depressed, me too , it seems no wayout ... .

[Mutt]

Her depression or mental illness is not your fault.

Have things gotten increasingly worse at home?

[drunkenfr]

I know that her depression and mental illness is not my fault, but I am the only person that she can reply on at this moment and I am divorcing her, it makes me feel ambivalent, if I stop all the contact with her leaving her crying in my house, I feel not right, she asks me to help her to get her life back in this new city so she can have the courage to face divorce.

Things are getting worse and worse at home before I left home after a big fight few weeks ago, I live in hotel now, things are the same, she asks me to go back and I rejected her, but i still keep talking to her all the time, sometime, she is all right , sometime she is very depressed, it's been up and down for a few weeks now.

[Mutt]

Separated and living in a hotel not knowing how things are going to work out is tough.

Is talking making you feel worse?

Does it pull at the heartstrings?

What if you left the hotel and went back home? What does that look like?

[drunkenfr]

If I left hotel and go back home, we are running the risk to get back together again which is a vicious cycle that I don't wanna go back in, I actually tried 2 days at home last week, she tried to talk to me and she asks me to not to give up and find a way to keep the relationship  which i know it is impossible, I see there are many information online telling people how to break up with BPD gf/wife, I am not sure if I should follow, like we know BPD tend to use all kind of technique to take you back, the best way is to stay away, however, we all human being, it is really hard to cut everything in once, I tend to talk to her and gradually reduce the frequency.

[Mutt]

Do you want to divorce?

Or not sure?

[drunkenfr]

yes, I want to divorce , as I want to survive , i think the only way is to get out of this relationship.

[Mutt]

A job with the Canadian Government has stability and good benefits.

I suggest no contact.

We're here to help.

I'm glad that you have joined us.

There is hope.

[drunkenfr]

Thanks Mutt for moving the post to the right category, I can see little hope here, I am trying to not to contact her, but for now, I have to keep talking to her at least over the phone, it is difficult to accept for anyone no matter BPD or not, your reply is a greatest support I ever had so far, thanks for letting me know that there is a hope, I hope this is the darkest hour before dawn.

[Mike-X]

Thanks Mutt for moving the post to the right category, I can see little hope here, I am trying to not to contact her, but for now, I have to keep talking to her at least over the phone, it is difficult to accept for anyone no matter BPD or not, your reply is a greatest support I ever had so far, thanks for letting me know that there is a hope, I hope this is the darkest hour before dawn.

if you have to remain in contact, study & practice the techniques for managing conflict. validate, validate, validate... .

[drunkenfr]

Hi Mike, that is a good point, I am trying to validate which works better than not to, most of the time, what my wife side makes me very hurtful and angry, however, I have to accept that this is how she feel, even it is frustrated for me, i can not denies how bad she feel about everything, it is very helpful.

[LimboFL]

Drunkenfr, what a horrible situation.

A very important lesson, that I learned far too late, not that it would have changed the ultimate outcome, was how I reacted to my exBPDgf. There were only a couple of times, where she raged on me (drunk) and I had done everything possible not to show any negative emotions before she went into a full blown rage. The other times, always in reaction to something that she did that broke my boundaries, I did show negative emotions and she then raged.

Outside of the rages, though, which may have happened 10 times in our 4 years together, even when she would make insulting remarks, I learned to not react, not to say anything, to just stay quiet but what was key was that I did so without any negative emotions inside. They can feel negative emotion, even if you aren't outwardly expressing it.

Now you add fear to the mix, which you are clearly feeling and she can likely feel it.

It sounds like you don't have the necessary funds to sustain yourself in a hotel, without seriously damaging your finances or leaving you broke. Telling her you want out of the marriage with her, given that she has no friends or family in the area is exacerbating the situation.

There is no golden answer in this but you might try becoming an actor, regulating your emotions and trying for both of your sakes to move back into your place, quietly and pretend that you want to work things out, until a suitable solution can be found. It sounds like you are about to lose your job and a source of income that is critical. Your fights sound very violent but what if you didn't react? What if you let her insults bounce off of you?

I am not suggesting that you try, in any way, to fix the relationship, but rather that you try to find a solution that allows you and her some breathing room, so that you can make a plan for either an escape or one that you can both agree on. The latter is likely never going to be possible.

Right now, I am thinking about your well being, in the sense that if you continue to stay in a hotel you can't afford and lose a job that you desperately need, it could kick you so far down the stairs that it will take years to get back up. If somehow you can calm the seas, then maybe you can recover just enough so that you keep your job, a roof over your head (temporarily until you find another solution) and so on.

You clearly still care for your partner and I understand this. I did too. Part of what kept me in the relationship I was in was deep empathy, but there comes a point where you simply can't feel sorry anymore, because you didn't cause the trauma that they suffered in the past and you can't fix her either. It hurts terribly, I know. I have shed buckets of tears.

Again, my suggestion is only so that you can try and get yourself in a slightly more comfortable situation. Again, the absolute key is that you don't react, that you don't walk in with negative emotions, that you pacify her by telling her that you will come home to try to work on things and in a way you have to feel it to be believable, all the while you formulate a plan that gets you out safely while not leaving her with nothing. Many of our exBPDgf did this to us, while living with us and making us believe everything was alright, they were planning their exit with another man, but they didn't do until they thought they had everything lined up. I didn't give my ex enough time to sort her plan out because as soon as I smelt something was happening I bailed.

This is about survival, in other words, not a game at all. My concern is for you. If you are out of money and still staying at a hotel... .

It's just a thought. Unfortunately, I can't think of another way to try to calm things down and to give you a chance to get your own personal situation realigned. I don't see any other solution, other than reporting her to the authorities and possibly having her checked into a mental hospital.

I am deeply sorry to hear of your troubles and wish you strength.

[drunkenfr]

Hi LimboFL, Thanks so much for reading my post and giving such valuable suggestions, I really appreciate your concerns, I like what you said - this is survival, not a game at all which is seriously reflect my situation, I am try to live wit very little help, I feel like I am holding a rock from waterfall, every step need to be carefully prepared, otherwise, I will die, my financial situation is bad, HOWEVER, I can still manage to have a place to live outside of my house, I think I will try to help her to get out of the difficult situation and move to the next step (divorce) later, in the meantime, I will check mental  hospital to see if she can eligible to stay there for a while.

[LimboFL]

Drunkenfr, we are all here to help. We have all been there and we all know the emotions you are experiencing. Just keep returning here for support. BPD Family has helped me over the years and the amazingly kind and genuine people here have helped me get through the final stages of my break up and detachment. I am still venting in and around the postings, because every time I release things that I have had bottled up in me, these four years, it is letting go of another piece of this very difficult puzzle that I tried to put together and keep together. I tried very hard to make it work, but at a certain point, when our partners cross certain boundaries, there is no turning back.

Yes, the idea of looking into a genuine mental health solution could be the answer. It will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but it could also end up being the most kind and humanitarian thing to do. Your partner is cornered and very scared. In a country she really isn't familiar with, with no support system. It stands to reason that beyond your relationship troubles that her mind is spinning out of control with fear.

Good luck in the coming days and stay strong. Again, always keep in mind that you now have a new family and support system on this website, who care and and want to help as best we can.

[drunkenfr]

Thanks again LimboFL, you post makes me feel better, I think people who has BPD is still human being, I should treat BPD person as a human being with respect, I would try to help her and follow your technique dealing with the negativity from BPD, I'll keep everyone posted.

[LimboFL]

Drunkenfr, excellent news. Remember that you can only deal with all of this if you are as calm as you can be. Easier said than done but fight against losing your emotions. Stay strong.

[milesperhour]

What about calling her family in Korea and sending her to their home?  Or just putting her on a plane to Korea without her family?  When my sister (an American citizen) was living in Japan and had an abusive husband and a mental breakdown, she returned to America and checked herself into a mental hospital straight from the airport.  She was put on welfare and was helped by the hospital to find housing, a job, and further therapy.  Can't your wife go back to Korea and use a Korean healthcare system?  That is if she is South Korean and not North ... .

[Mike-X]

Hi Mike, that is a good point, I am trying to validate which works better than not to, most of the time, what my wife side makes me very hurtful and angry, however, I have to accept that this is how she feel, even it is frustrated for me, i can not denies how bad she feel about everything, it is very helpful.

To manage your emotions and stay centered, you might try to maintain a smile when talking to her, even if it is on the phone. It is hard to be angry when you are smiling. Also, try to depersonalize what she is saying when she is deregulated, consider saying something like, "that is the disorder talking, and it has nothing to do with me." If you haven't already, you should consider establishing boundaries for what you will and won't tolerate in exchanges with her and what your plan is when she violates those boundaries.