Recently left BPD girlfriend. Overwhelmed with sadness for her.

[simpleman]

Hello,

I left my BPD girlfriend 5 days ago after a 7 month relationship .  Left 1 other time a month and a half ago but went back after 4 days.

We met 10 years ago when we started working at the same job. She confided in me when we got together romantically that she had fallen in love for me instantly back then.  She waited 10 yrs before we actually got together. She did not have to wait. She is very attractive, smart, funny, etc. But she waited all that time for me as friends until I was finally ready.

So we got together and you know the story. Fell in love fast, etc. 

She told me about horrible past abuses and how everyone in her life turned on her. From the start she started asking me if I would leave her like everyone else.  I said no. I promised. She told me about all the things she had never experienced with a man because the ones she had been with were very abusive. Things like being held in bed as she went to sleep.  Watching a movie. She has severe PTSD and was never able to feel emotion during lovemaking. She could with me. It was so important to her. She is 46 by the way.

So the thing I can't get past is that she got to experience all these things that every woman deserves and then it was all taken away.  And it was my honor to do this for her.  She waits 46 long hard years to get what she deserves and its snatched away by a disorder that is not her fault. I can't stand that. Its killing me. How could I give her that and then have to stop.

I educated myself well about BPD so I know what happened here but I just can't get past it emotionally.

Thank you.

[raisins3142]

I am sad for my ex as well.  Even though she treated me badly, she didn't realize it I don't think and me leaving really hurt her.

That compassion you have for her is great.

Why did you have to leave?

[Left broken and confused]

I use to feel bad for my ex but now I realize that no matter what happens they will be ok. It's unfortunate but it seems almost all the stories on this board are the same. Bpd partners find a replacement and get on with their life long before we do. I just wish they could just see their pattern. I still love my exBPDbf and would give anything in the world to make him better but I can't help him. Truth is right now I can't help myself. I have been beaten down by this break up and it's 9 months later.

[Gonzalo]

From looking at this board, I think sadness and wishing you could fix things is healthier than anger. I don't see a lot of people who are sad for the ex- and still holding onto it  years after, but a lot of people who have anger and/or hate for the ex- and the replacement seem to get stuck in it. You've only had 5 days, give it a month or two and you'll probably find yourself much more past it. And remember that you did give her some things she never had, that you left her better off than when you found her. That's all you can really hope to do in a relationship, you can't fix someone who won't fix themsleves.

[skittles22]

My exBPD would tell me all the things that were different about me compared to her exes, and how she never enjoyed things or got to experience things with them as she did with me. This is common with BPD as far as I've read. It's manipulation. They put you on a pedestal, say you're the best they ever had in a lot of ways then move on to the next guy and say the exact same thing. It hurts, but realizing the truth has helps to detach.

[Reecer1588]

My exBPD would tell me all the things that were different about me compared to her exes, and how she never enjoyed things or got to experience things with them as she did with me. This is common with BPD as far as I've read. It's manipulation. They put you on a pedestal, say you're the best they ever had in a lot of ways then move on to the next guy and say the exact same thing. It hurts, but realizing the truth has helps to detach.

Mine made it seem like she couldn't live without me. Now I'm eliminated (Her terminology)

Good luck to you man! You are on the right track

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're going through that simpleman, it is very difficult.

She told me about horrible past abuses and how everyone in her life turned on her. From the start she started asking me if I would leave her like everyone else.

Attachments are everything to borderlines, eliciting sympathy is a tool used to affect those attachments, and once they're formed the fear of abandonment becomes one of the main focuses.  It is very sad that she has a disorder she didn't want or ask for, and it's completely natural to empathize and care, and you can't fix it.  Ask yourself why did everyone, including you, leave her?  There were reasons, and if you focus on her and her needs, something you probably did a lot in the relationship, and place a lower priority on your needs, you could be setting yourself up for a recycle; it's only been 5 days.

It's best to focus on your needs right now, something that may seem foreign and weird, and focus on whether or not those needs were or could ever be met by her in the relationship, as well as the reasons you left.  After you get some distance and the fog clears, and you work through the stages of detachment, you may find you have compassion for her without the guilt, which is a peaceful place to be.  Take care of you!

[Loosestrife]

So we got together and you know the story. Fell in love fast, etc. 

She told me about horrible past abuses and how everyone in her life turned on her. From the start she started asking me if I would leave her like everyone else.  I said no. I promised. She told me about all the things she had never experienced with a man because the ones she had been with were very abusive. Things like being held in bed as she went to sleep.  Watching a movie. She has severe PTSD and was never able to feel emotion during lovemaking. She could with me. It was so important to her. She is 46 by the way.

So the thing I can't get past is that she got to experience all these things that every woman deserves and then it was all taken away.  And it was my honor to do this for her.  She waits 46 long hard years to get what she deserves and its snatched away by a disorder that is not her fault. I can't stand that. Its killing me. How could I give her that and then have to stop.

I educated myself well about BPD so I know what happened here but I just can't get past it emotionally.

This really resonated with me too

My exBPD would tell me all the things that were different about me compared to her exes, and how she never enjoyed things or got to experience things with them as she did with me. This is common with BPD as far as I've read. It's manipulation. They put you on a pedestal, say you're the best they ever had in a lot of ways then move on to the next guy and say the exact same thing. It hurts, but realizing the truth has helps to detach.

It is manipulation, but I don't think its pre-emoted, just inbuilt into them.

From looking at this board, I think sadness and wishing you could fix things is healthier than anger. I don't see a lot of people who are sad for the ex- and still holding onto it  years after, but a lot of people who have anger and/or hate for the ex- and the replacement seem to get stuck in it. You've only had 5 days, give it a month or two and you'll probably find yourself much more past it. And remember that you did give her some things she never had, that you left her better off than when you found her. That's all you can really hope to do in a relationship, you can't fix someone who won't fix themsleves.

This seems like a healthy way to view things   

[LonelyChild]

Hello,

I left my BPD girlfriend 5 days ago after a 7 month relationship .  Left 1 other time a month and a half ago but went back after 4 days.

We met 10 years ago when we started working at the same job. She confided in me when we got together romantically that she had fallen in love for me instantly back then.  She waited 10 yrs before we actually got together. She did not have to wait. She is very attractive, smart, funny, etc. But she waited all that time for me as friends until I was finally ready.

So we got together and you know the story. Fell in love fast, etc. 

She told me about horrible past abuses and how everyone in her life turned on her. From the start she started asking me if I would leave her like everyone else.  I said no. I promised. She told me about all the things she had never experienced with a man because the ones she had been with were very abusive. Things like being held in bed as she went to sleep.  Watching a movie. She has severe PTSD and was never able to feel emotion during lovemaking. She could with me. It was so important to her. She is 46 by the way.

So the thing I can't get past is that she got to experience all these things that every woman deserves and then it was all taken away.  And it was my honor to do this for her.  She waits 46 long hard years to get what she deserves and its snatched away by a disorder that is not her fault. I can't stand that. Its killing me. How could I give her that and then have to stop.

I educated myself well about BPD so I know what happened here but I just can't get past it emotionally.

Thank you.

I hope I don't come across as blunt, but do you seriously believe she hasn't said the same thing to everyone before you? My exBPDgf said the same things. "I've never done this with anyone before." "No one made me feel this way." "I never let anyone give me a massage." "I never showered with anyone because I'm so insecure." "I've never gotten an orgasm with anyone before."

It's all BS. She's said the same crap to everyone she's been with, obviously.