The Gifts of Imperfection~ Brene Brown's book

[Suzn]

When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness-the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don't fit who we think we are supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing and proving. Our sense of worthiness-that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging-lives inside our story. ~Brene Brown

This is pretty spot on, I've done that hustle. And I've lived outside my story by thinking "I'm not like them" as far as my dysfunctional family goes. I did not get away unscathed, I've known that for a long time but I stunted my own growth by pretending I was in some way not as broken.

The wholehearted journey is not the path of least resistance. It's a path of consciousness and choice. And, to be honest, it's a little counter-culture. The willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others and stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world is not something we can do halfheartedly.

To practice courage, compassion and connection is to look at life and the people around us and say "I'm all in." ~Brene Brown

Funny how the universe works for me, I've always drawn a message out of every book I've read but this one looks to be perfect timing.

Have you read this book?

[Turkish]

Thanks, Suzn. I still struggle with "am I worthy of being loved and belonging?"

Being split by my BPD mom (and other issues not related to the topic of the board), I took fleas (traits) into my r/s with my uBPDx (who pretty much split me white after she found a new lve-object attachment). Sometimes, I feel supremely confident, validated by every single person who knows me: from long time co-workers to long-time friends, even my T but I'm paying him. Heck, even from my kids but I'm their father, they can't help but love me.

Still, the days come where severe depression rears its head, and dark thoughts encircle me. It's A Wonderful Life circa 2015... .or is it?

I'm a far different person than I was 20 years ago. Or even 10. Much more confidant, and minus most of the almost debilitating social anxiety which plaugued the first part of my life (a lot I mirrored from mom, but not all).

I met a nice woman at a volunteer function yesterday. She was probably 10 years older than I, but that's not as much an issue in middle-age. I found her faith and zest for life inspiring. I am ashamed to think, "did she really like my conversation? Would she like me when she got to know the 'real Turkish' as my mom used to say when I was a teen? Would she tell me I 'lacked character' as my Ex did when she split me black?"

Though I think that real friends can and perhaps should judge us, if they are stable, safe people, our self-worth shouldn't be defined by others.

[Suzn]

Still, the days come where severe depression rears its head, and dark thoughts encircle me. It's A Wonderful Life circa 2015... .or is it?

I get it. I've gone through two deep depressions, the last right before I came to these boards. It lasted 3 months. I read in this book about doing things with intention. I've done that, I didn't know it had a name. In the worst of it I cried, every day and every night. I made myself go to work, to function. Then I found a video game, one of those match 3 or 4, it had a strategy that I figured out later, silly maybe but it helped. Gave my mind a break from the thoughts. If I find myself needing a mind break I go play it for a while.

I know what depression feels like in the onset. I make myself do something. Even if it's go get a few movies to take home, comedies usually, and popcorn or something to snack on. Or I find a project to work on at my house, there's plenty to do. If I've been cooped up too long I start calling friends to see who's free. My first thought though is self care. My second is there's something I'm grieving and I need to allow for that.

I'm a far different person than I was 20 years ago. Or even 10. Much more confidant, and minus most of the almost debilitating social anxiety which plaugued the first part of my life (a lot I mirrored from mom, but not all)

That's really awesome Turk. There are so many people that never get past social anxiety. I did the same I think, now that I think about it, mirroring my mom, I've never thought of it that way. She's never had long term friends and very few short term. I know that putting practicing healthy relationship skills in play made a big difference. That and finally understanding and putting boundaries in place for myself. I think those things helped because I felt safe, it helped me feel comfortable in my own skin. I started stepping outside of the box so to speak when I started feeling more comfortable.

I am ashamed to think, "did she really like my conversation?

I've had those thoughts too when I first meet someone. It sucks when that happens. I told my T something similar about someone once and she picked up on my not taking someone at face value as a sign of low self esteem. She also told me it was none of my business what someone thought. I was like... .o... k. What matters is what you think.  

Though I think that real friends can and perhaps should judge us, if they are stable, safe people, our self-worth shouldn't be defined by others.

I don't judge my friends. I am open to honesty but not judgement. I haven't always been that way, I've been plenty judgmental in the past. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone struggles now and then. I pay attention instead. What someone else chooses to do in their life has no effect on mine. If it somehow starts to then I need to set some boundaries or back away. I don't need people, I want them. There's a difference.

[Turkish]

When I came to my current job (15 year ago after moving back to California from Oregon, my how time flies!), my boss said that a director gave him input on me at review time. "Turkish needs to speak up more at meetings." My boss had known me for almost a decade by then, since I was 21. He was my old boss at a different company. He's watched me "grow up" so to speak. A mentor, like an older brother. He told me that for a reason, because he knew the shy young man I was when he met me.

What I didn't believe was how much value my opinion had. That I had enough experience to be a subject matter expert on many things even people more degreed asked me about. That was over a decade after I left my mom's house.

Just 3 years ago, my mom was still subtly implying that I hadn't made it. She was still telling me that I should go back to school and become a registered nurse like her (from the youngest age, my mom told me that she hated nursing). My mom was always bad with money, always falling for the get rich quick schemes. I openec up a spreadsheet and showed her my retirement account balance. Her jaw dropped. I said, "since I have to work another 20 years until I can draw social security, I think I'm doing ok." She hasn't said a word about me changing careers since.

I like what you said about taking someone at face value. I obviously made a good impression. Why would I not take that at face value? Stupid    

It raised issues in my r/s, because after a while, I realized that my Ex had a much lower self esteem than I did, despite being younger and prettier, so I never felt like I could be vulnerable (which was thrown back at me). Can't I just be myself? Why does her and my mom's splitting still affect me in middle age? And how can I be strong enough to not pass down the    to my children?

I'm trying mightily on this last point though. Project leadership: "act like you know what you're doing even if you don't," and they will follow while you figure it out.

[Suzn]

What I didn't believe was how much value my opinion had.

Do you believe it now?

Why would I not take that at face value? Stupid

Harsh self talk Turk. If a friend said that to you in a serious manner how long would he be your friend?  

Can't I just be myself?

Yes. I figured out that I have to be willing to let go of the fear of losing whatever I fear losing in situations where I find myself feeling like I can't be myself.

At my old job, before I moved, there were a couple of people that always threw around conflict. They were disrespectful people with sometimes hateful attitudes towards coworkers. For the first several years I took this abuse till one day I decided I didn't have to anymore. I can get a job somewhere else. I didn't leave that job, instead I started confronting the abuse. I went so far as telling one of the guys managers that if he flipped out on me again that I would not work with him on projects, that I would leave the project site and come back to the shop. Then I told the guy that had been doing this the same thing, I also told him he had left me no choice. It wouldn't have worked the other way around. I no longer cared if I lost that job and that's what it took to really be myself there. Today I see what an effect that place had on me prior to speaking up.  

Why does her and my mom's splitting still affect me in middle age?

I'd have to say this ingrained because she is your mother. I feel for you here. I know it's going to take some work to address the deeper damage I've now seen in myself. I don't think it will all disappear I just think maybe I can manage it better. I know for sure that I have experienced joy within the last year along with the pain and anger. So I do have hope that it's possible to make it better.

And how can I be strong enough to not pass down the    to my children?

Practice being vulnerable with your kids would be my thought.  

I'm trying mightily on this last point though. Project leadership: "act like you know what you're doing even if you don't," and they will follow while you figure it out.

I don't know that I agree with that philosophy. I think it would depend on the circumstances. I have a better relationship with coworkers, even if I'm in charge of a project, if I am honest about what I know and what I don't know... but that's just been my experience.  

[Suzn]

According to Dr. Hartling (former relational-cultural theorist at The Stone Center and now director of Human Dignity and Humiliation Studies) , in order to deal with shame, some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves and keeping secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. And, some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame (like sending really mean emails).

Most of us use all of these-at different times with different folks for different reasons. Yet all of these strategies move us away from our stories. Shame is about fear, blame and disconnection. Story is about worthiness and embracing the imperfections that bring us courage, compassion and connection. If we want to live fully, without the constant fear of not being enough, we have to own our own story. One way to do that is to recognize when we are in shame so we can react with intention.

Shame is a full contact emotion. Men and women with high levels of shame resilience know when shame is happening. The easiest way to know shame is to cultivate an awareness of our physical shame symptoms. I know I'm struggling with shame when the warm rush of inadequacy comes over me, my heart races, my face feels hot, my mouth gets dry, my armpits tingle and time slows down. It's important to know our personal symptoms so we can get deliberate in our response to shame.

When we are in shame we are not fit for human consumption. We need to get back on our emotional feet before we do, say, email or text something we will regret. I know it will take me 15 minutes to pull myself together and that I will definitely cry before I'm ready. I'll also need to pray. Knowing this is such a gift.

If you want to kick start your shame resilience and story claiming, start with these questions. Figuring out the answers can change your life.

1. Who do you become when your backed into that shame corner?

2. How do you protect yourself?

3. Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-n-hides or the people-pleasing?

4. What's the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?

~Brene Brown

1. My initial feelings, my mother.

2. Toxic situations, I set boundaries or run. Non toxic, I try to confront without being aggressive. This is different from just a year ago.

3. I have two friends skilled at knowing what to say in these situations. They don't save me, they listen and empathize. I need to use the boards more for this too.

4. Stand up straight, take a deep breath or ten, look for alternate explanations for my hurt, ask should I be hurt, give myself time to calm down and self sooth. Cry when I need to. Talk to my inner child, remind her I'm here to protect her. I don't know if this is courageous really, it's just what I try to do.

[Turkish]

Do I believe it now in my work? Yes. It still surprises me when people ask my opinions on things I'm not sure about though. When I was in my late 20s, my boss then made me the technical lead of a group of techs and one PhD engineer (which got his goat, but he wasn't good). I know my boss kind of liked me in a little brother kind of way, but she would not have done that if she didn't believe it because our group was high profile in the factory. One person said later, "I thought you were the lab manager?" No, I replied, I'm just a technician.

Except for my very first performance review 23 years ago when I was a green 20 year old,.I've never had a bad review since. Sometimes I doubt what is written and I feel guilty I got an above average raise this year due to me feeling like I "phoned it in" for a long time given my break-up with my kids' mom.

My manager knows where I came from and is amazed I've done well. He's also amazed that I didn't end up non-functional due to what I've dealt with. I don't think my story is that bad. He thinks I minimize it. So did some of my old Leaving cohorts when I posted there a year ago. So did my T. He still does, I think. So is it shame which drives me to be an emotional hermit, or strength? Or both? Does it matter?

1. Who do you become when your backed into that shame corner? Depressed. Major. Occasionally thoughts of SI "the world doesn't need me. The kids knew me a little. I've come from being abandoned by an addict mother born on an Indian reservation, survived a dBPD adoptive mother, to have set things up so my kids will not hurt financially or be dirt poor like me. I never had a father. They have a mom who's higher functioning than mine. They'll survive if I dropped dead tomorrow." I'm ashamed I feel like that, but I often do  :'(

2. How do you protect yourself? Going Hermit, emotionally. Christine Ann Lawson says that The Her it's dominant emotional state is fear. On the outside, I'm the opposite. A bit of a risk-taker, with the requisite scars. Emotionally? Maybe my Ex had some truth to some of her criticisms of me.

3. Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-n-hides or the people-pleasing? Calling someone? That's weak. I can only rely on myself! That was the old Turkish. I've gotten better at reaching out. My long-term friends from childhood were a Godsend. I have Faith as well, and I've connected at a local church, having stepped away for so long due to anxiety.

When I was a teen and my mom's rages and depression were at their worst (we were something like homeless from the time I was 12-17), I seriously thought about killing myself. I went to a small, rural high school, and we had some suicides and one attempt (which left my classmate permanently disabled), and also a couple of students who died in car crashes. I knew them all except one (the theater chick who hung herself). The car crash victimes sucked, even though one was kind of her fault. I had access to firearams, living in the country. It was normal. I even had my own rifle. I hated life, but made a logical decision to not end it. I remember thinking, "what's another 40 years? I'll be 18 soon, and on my own," not then having a clue how it would work. So I took my finger off the trigger. Literally.

The years from 18-the middle of my 20th year were tough but I made it. The shame followed in the background, stalking me. After orbiting more than a few "waifs" I thought I'd conquered it. Then I met the uBPD mother of our children... .


4. What's the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt? I feel like the curious dog who turns its head this way and that, not understanding the question. My T said, "so what do you do to take care of yourself?" Same response.