BPDexGF rebounding, and acting quite differently around new guy

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have another thread going on here about this same woman, but felt that creating a topic for what I am witnessing now was in order.

My BPDexGF broke up with me for the 7th time in mid-February.  She stated that because she wants to move away to another city someday (no timeframe or plan, all talk, but strong enough to break up) we now have different goals and cannot be together.  I have a 10-year-old daughter and can't just up and move with her, which led to her excuse.  Frankly, it's just her BPD pushing me away yet again, but that was her reason this time.

We had NC for around a month, and I heard through several mutual friends that she was posting photos on Facebook with a new guy.  I was saddened, but even more saddened and insulted when I learned it was a co-worker of hers that she had routinely devalued to me for his lack of intellect, culture, and place in life (she's a marketing manager, he's the security guard).  Nonetheless, there they were, cheek to cheek, appearing happy as can be.

I'm taken aback because this guy is who she said she was, in addition to being a Christian Republican, two things my ex is definitely not.  I would have never expected her to go for someone who seems to be her exact opposite.  Also, he was married as late as last December, so at the very least he is recently separated from his wife.  I couldn't see my ex putting herself in a situation where she could be a rebound, but she has.

One of my friends has been keeping tabs on her Facebook (she unfriended me at the time of breakup a month ago, kept him and everyone else).  He's shared some things with me (like the weekend together with the new guy) but I had him send me screenshots of their comment conversations on Facebook.

Don't worry, this made me feel BETTER about the situation.

Now, my ex always carried herself as a mature, articulate, well read adult, even when I met her at age 20.  Even when she was goofy with me, it was a "I'm being silly but really, I'm just acting this way" kind of goofy.  She was very mature when things were "normal" between us.

What I saw between her and the new guy absolutely startled me.

Now first of all, this guy is a dumbass.  She told me that numerous times in the past, and his comments show that.  But my ex is commenting back to him in the exact same way!  I've never seen her act this juvenile, and on Facebook for everyone to see.

Some examples:

A photo of the two of them:

Him:  I look anorexic.

Her:  You look FAT!  FATTY FATTY FAT FAT!

Her:  You should eat carbs!  Is butter a carb?

Him:  You're a carb!  MMMMMM

Her:  Are you calling me FAT?


Her status update: 

"Having my phone charge to 100% gives me a girl boner"

(I have no doubt she said that trying to get him to respond, it worked.)

Him: I get a guy boner when you get a girl boner.

Her:  I get a girl boner when you get a guy boner to my girl boner.

Him:  I guess your request for me to have three penissesseesses makes sense now. (yes he spelled it that way)

Her:  Hey, I know what my body requires.

My friend said every single exchange between them is that juvenile, joking crap.  She's checking in places with him and tagging him in her comments, like she wants him to respond.  He said you would think they were being silly friends if they hadn't taken a cheek to cheek photo that previous weekend.  Zero serious comments from either, although he said she commented "Gorgeous." on his profile photo tonight, two weeks after he posted it.  It's a public photo and I wonder if she meant for me to see that.  Just seems odd.

Again, it's shocking to see this behavior.  They are still going out to places, spending money... .not, you know, staying home and having time together that doesn't involve a bar or restaurant.  They are all places she wants to go, by the way.  How much is him, and how much is it the experiences?  She is obviously mirroring him behavior wise, and it's sad.  She told me he was exactly this way months ago when she was devaluing him, but now it's oh so hilarious as she is trying to fit in.

My friend told me for about two weeks after the breakup she was her usual moping self on Facebook, but as soon as this guy started commenting all over the place, she perked up.  I think he swooped in and took advantage.  Give her attention, and she will melt.  Again, he was still married in December.  She immediately sleeps with her partners, so no wonder he's going places with her.  He knows how the night will end for him if he does.

I cannot think of a single thing they have in common.  We were just in New York in December, talking about marriage.  Now this, just three months later.

But knowing her, eventually she will want him to validate the relationship and show something more than sarcastic jokes.  But right now, she's having a ball with him.  But I can see her wanting to know more soon.  And just wait until she has a bad day, dude.

But her behavior is startling.  Like I said, she might as well be posting about how amazing heroin is.  And I think the Religious Republican stuff doesn't matter right now.  They are well into the infatuation period.

Has anyone had an ex rebound and act completely different with the new person?  Or rebound with a person you would have never expected them to?  I guess this is an overall question about the identity mirroring a BPDer goes through.  I think what I am seeing is flabbergasting.

[4Years5Months]

I have another thread going on here about this same woman, but felt that creating a topic for what I am witnessing now was in order.

My BPDexGF broke up with me for the 7th time in mid-February.  She stated that because she wants to move away to another city someday (no timeframe or plan, all talk, but strong enough to break up) we now have different goals and cannot be together.  I have a 10-year-old daughter and can't just up and move with her, which led to her excuse.  Frankly, it's just her BPD pushing me away yet again, but that was her reason this time.

We had NC for around a month, and I heard through several mutual friends that she was posting photos on Facebook with a new guy.  I was saddened, but even more saddened and insulted when I learned it was a co-worker of hers that she had routinely devalued to me for his lack of intellect, culture, and place in life (she's a marketing manager, he's the security guard).  Nonetheless, there they were, cheek to cheek, appearing happy as can be.

I'm taken aback because this guy is who she said she was, in addition to being a Christian Republican, two things my ex is definitely not.  I would have never expected her to go for someone who seems to be her exact opposite.  Also, he was married as late as last December, so at the very least he is recently separated from his wife.  I couldn't see my ex putting herself in a situation where she could be a rebound, but she has.

One of my friends has been keeping tabs on her Facebook (she unfriended me at the time of breakup a month ago, kept him and everyone else).  He's shared some things with me (like the weekend together with the new guy) but I had him send me screenshots of their comment conversations on Facebook.

Don't worry, this made me feel BETTER about the situation.

Now, my ex always carried herself as a mature, articulate, well read adult, even when I met her at age 20.  Even when she was goofy with me, it was a "I'm being silly but really, I'm just acting this way" kind of goofy.  She was very mature when things were "normal" between us.

What I saw between her and the new guy absolutely startled me.

Now first of all, this guy is a dumbass.  She told me that numerous times in the past, and his comments show that.  But my ex is commenting back to him in the exact same way!  I've never seen her act this juvenile, and on Facebook for everyone to see.

Some examples:

A photo of the two of them:

Him:  I look anorexic.

Her:  You look FAT!  FATTY FATTY FAT FAT!

Her:  You should eat carbs!  Is butter a carb?

Him:  You're a carb!  MMMMMM

Her:  Are you calling me FAT?


Her status update: 

"Having my phone charge to 100% gives me a girl boner"

(I have no doubt she said that trying to get him to respond, it worked.)

Him: I get a guy boner when you get a girl boner.

Her:  I get a girl boner when you get a guy boner to my girl boner.

Him:  I guess your request for me to have three penissesseesses makes sense now. (yes he spelled it that way)

Her:  Hey, I know what my body requires.

My friend said every single exchange between them is that juvenile, joking crap.  She's checking in places with him and tagging him in her comments, like she wants him to respond.  He said you would think they were being silly friends if they hadn't taken a cheek to cheek photo that previous weekend.  Zero serious comments from either, although he said she commented "Gorgeous." on his profile photo tonight, two weeks after he posted it.  It's a public photo and I wonder if she meant for me to see that.  Just seems odd.

Again, it's shocking to see this behavior.  They are still going out to places, spending money... .not, you know, staying home and having time together that doesn't involve a bar or restaurant.  They are all places she wants to go, by the way.  How much is him, and how much is it the experiences?  She is obviously mirroring him behavior wise, and it's sad.  She told me he was exactly this way months ago when she was devaluing him, but now it's oh so hilarious as she is trying to fit in.

My friend told me for about two weeks after the breakup she was her usual moping self on Facebook, but as soon as this guy started commenting all over the place, she perked up.  I think he swooped in and took advantage.  Give her attention, and she will melt.  Again, he was still married in December.  She immediately sleeps with her partners, so no wonder he's going places with her.  He knows how the night will end for him if he does.

I cannot think of a single thing they have in common.  We were just in New York in December, talking about marriage.  Now this, just three months later.

But knowing her, eventually she will want him to validate the relationship and show something more than sarcastic jokes.  But right now, she's having a ball with him.  But I can see her wanting to know more soon.  And just wait until she has a bad day, dude.

But her behavior is startling.  Like I said, she might as well be posting about how amazing heroin is.  And I think the Religious Republican stuff doesn't matter right now.  They are well into the infatuation period.

Has anyone had an ex rebound and act completely different with the new person?  Or rebound with a person you would have never expected them to?  I guess this is an overall question about the identity mirroring a BPDer goes through.  I think what I am seeing is flabbergasting.

[Left broken and confused]

My ex is doing the same.  He is with a women completely opposite then me or anyone else he dated as far as appearance. He normally goes for dark hair and eye but she is blonde and about 10 to 12 years older than him  (he made fun of his exgf for being with someone older ) he is out every weekend to dinner and drinking yet he never wanted anyone around me or to leave the house. He is living the party life now and I know damn well he isn't paying

[ShadowIntheNight]

Fortunately I have no idea what she is doing now, and if it were this, knowing me I'd call her out on it! Having said that, my exgf had a mutual girl crush with a younger female coworker about 4.5 years ago. When I realized she was getting "giddy" about this chica, I started asking her questions about their "relationship." She tried to blow it off, but I knew this was more than her usual "crush" on another woman that she got. Primarily, because the younger woman was hitting on my ex.

At one point my ex had a birthday party for one of her kids. I wasn't able to be there, but my ex told me later her mother had gotten on to her for carrying on with this younger girl instead of watching the children at the party. The party was at a fun zone place, and the kids were old enough to play their video games on their own. She told me that a guy friend had asked her what was up that my ex and the younger woman acted like they were on a first date. They apparently were shooting baskets and challenging one another in air hockey and other sports and giggling like teens. My ex was 42 at the time and the younger woman was like 26 or 27. So while I did not have to endure the stupid banter you're speaking of, I would say I have had to endure my ex acting childish because someone was paying attention to them. It's pretty pathetic actually.

[HappyNihilist]

How is this making you feel? You said that seeing the exchanges made you feel better. Can you elaborate on how? Did it help you feel more detached?

I guess this is an overall question about the identity mirroring a BPDer goes through.

People with BPD don't have a stable sense of self, so they're often looking externally for ways to define themselves. This is why borderlines are drawn to relationships where a partner has an "idea of reference" for them (e.g., a "broken girl" for a "savior". It's easier to mirror when something definite is being projected at you.

"In an attempt to survive defective self-object experiences, empathic failures, lack of validation, and insufficient attunement of significant others to needs of the self, the borderline submits to expectations from the environment and his/her self-concept becomes dominated by projective and invalid representations of the self."

Carsten Rene Jorgensen, PhD, ":)isturbed Sense of Identity in Borderline Personality Disorder"

Perceived personality changes aren't only the result of mirroring. The incoherent sense of self in BPD results in them switching between discrete subsystems (mental states) that contain different coping strategies, concepts, etc.

"[Borderlines] describe a painful sense of incoherence and inauthenticity; they feel as if they were only pretending to be what they are, as if they cheated others into believing them. In fact their personality often changes dramatically depending on who they are with."

"Rapidly changing affects and moods in borderline personality disorder therefore result in an incoherence of mood-related memories and self-concepts."

Thomas Fuchs, "Fragmented Selves: Temporality and Identity in Borderline Personality Disorder"

"The hallmark of attachment disorders in borderlines is lack of stability, which can be understood as alternating between different dissociative parts of personality. [... .] Patients with structual dissociation of personality don't have an integrated sense of self, but alternate between different mental states (parts of the personality) containing different emotions, coping strategies, and concepts of self and relationships."

Dolores Mosquera, "Early Experience, Structural Dissociation, and Emotional Dysregulation in Borderline Personality Disorder"

[4Years5Months]

He is with a women completely opposite then me or anyone else he dated as far as appearance. He normally goes for dark hair and eye but she is blonde... .

It might be a total coincidence, but when my ex talked about her new guy six months ago, she said only negative things about his appearance.  He had a buzz haircut, wore tight pants, had a weird mouth, in addition to being dumb and having nothing in common with her.  Earlier this month, he changed his Facebook profile photo (I've been keeping an eye on him because despite how much my ex slammed him, she sure talked about him a lot) and he now has grown his hair out, has a beard, and wears nice button up shirts... .just like I do.  Did she "mold" him into me by casually telling him he would look better with hair and a beard?  Who knows, but a lot of my friends have been telling me how much he looks like me.  He has big lips and teeth though, so I see where my ex was coming from in regards to his mouth.

How is this making you feel? You said that seeing the exchanges made you feel better. Can you elaborate on how? Did it help you feel more detached?

I don't think it's helping me detach that much.  I guess what I was trying to say was seeing them act like two teenagers exchanging jokey comments made me feel better than if they were posting about being in love, or so happy together.  Now, Facebook is only Facebook, so maybe in real life they are much more affectionate with one another, but the way HE behaves is exactly how my ex would describe him.  "(His name) said the dumbest thing today... ." - it shows on Facebook, too.  But now SHE is behaving the same way, something I have never seen her do.

Remember in high school, you would have a friend who acted one way around you, but if around a different group of people, acted differently?  That's how I see my ex.  It's like she was accepted into the "friends" group at her work (which he is a part of) and just allowed herself to be swallowed by the shark to become part of the gang.

But the thing that bothers me is... .it's not like this guy is Ryan Gosling or something.  It's more like she hooked up with, I don't know, David Spade or Rob Schneider.  She AND her co-workers made fun of him.  Now he's the funniest guy in the world and she's spending all of her time with him.  I don't think she has been into him for a long time.  I think she broke up with me, was lonely, he swooped in fresh off a marriage, and here we are.  It's not just girl and guy like each other and start dating.

It may sound cruel for me to say this, but I hope he's simply using her as a rebound and dumps her.  She needs to know that feeling.  Otherwise, her BPD fears will eventually kick in and she'll remember that he's an idiot, and dump HIM.  And she won't learn.  I mean, it can't be healthy if he is just out of a marriage (to his high school sweetheart according to my ex when she told me about him).  It's a double rebound relationship.  Am I the only one who looks at the situation and thinks "this will not end well?"  I guarantee no one at her work is telling her that.

For the record, I do not want her back, nor do I really want to even be her friend.  I just want her to reach out to me and acknowledge this guy is still an idiot.  Then I can let go of the situation.  I was very close to dumping her in January, and I didn't.  Then she probably sensed that and did it to me.  Now she's looking all happy with this new guy.  Sorry, but that really bugs me.

[LonelyChild]

She needs to know that feeling.

She knows that feeling. Every relationship she ever had has been like that, in her world. Even the one she had with her mother during infancy. She will never learn. Ever.

[fromheeltoheal]

It may sound cruel for me to say this, but I hope he's simply using her as a rebound and dumps her.  She needs to know that feeling.

 

Lonely already said it, but the fear of abandonment is a primary focus for borderlines, it's the core of the disorder; she not only knows that feeling, she lives it full time.  One of the reasons a borderline leaves a relationship and finds a new attachment is because they fear they are about to be abandoned, or already have been, which may have nothing to do with the realities of the relationship and everything to do with an overwhelming fear of abandonment and misinterpretation of clues to support that fear, so it's a preemptive strike.

You mention you've recycled 7 times 4Years, and each time that happens a borderline's trust erodes, back to that abandonment thingy again, you may want to look at the conditions of the relationship when those other rifts happened and see if there are similarities.  it would take extreme vigilance to manage the abandonment fears of a borderline, and even then you probably wouldn't have been successful, but if you knew none of this at the time, like most of us didn't, it may be elightening to look at it from that frame now.  Take care of you!

[4Years5Months]

I've thought about each of the breakups.  The first one was when she developed a crush on a guy she worked with.  He never knew.  But she kept going out late with those work friends (including him) and it made me upset.  Fighting led to the breakup.  That's the only one I will assume some of the responsibility for, as she had told me she was frustrated with a lot of things, and I wasn't doing enough to satisfy her.  However, a BPDer's expectations are so damn high, I could have, as my friend said, "lived inside her bra" and it wouldn't have made a difference.

The next few breakups were allegedly about me not making enough of an effort.  She broke up with me the day after a concert together (she made sure she got to go, of course) because I wasn't coming over enough for her liking.  Another breakup was because we seemed "more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend."  The last two were because she is planning to move away, and we are in a lame duck relationship if she does that.  But now she's with some guy who has even LESS potential to move with her than me.  The only glaring difference is he doesn't have anything keeping him here (a child) but his life situation is much worse than mine.

She would recycle the relationship by promising a life together.  Last October, she cried on her couch and mapped out a plan for us to move to the city I want to live in, have children, marriage, all that.  Less than three months later, she was devaluing me again.

I have thought "If only I did (something) she wouldn't have broken up with me" each time it happens.  But since she's done it seven times, it's obvious it would have just delayed the inevitable another few days or weeks.  When she was devaluing, it was evident.  But now, she has LOWERED her standards for another guy, a guy she devalued heavily for months.  And now she's acting like him, too.  But she's getting to go to the places she wants to go, so she's probably smitten.  The problem is, we would have gone to those places had we stayed together.

[LimboFL]

Fromheel said "One of the reasons a borderline leaves a relationship and finds a new attachment is because they fear they are about to be abandoned, or already have been, which may have nothing to do with the realities of the relationship and everything to do with an overwhelming fear of abandonment and misinterpretation of clues to support that fear, so it's a preemptive strike."

Wow, so spot on. So sad. I won't recount my story, in vidid detail, but this is exactly what happened to me. What is most insane about it was that she instigated my decision (that I didn't go through with) to find a quick move out option. We had a fight while she was out of town and she told me that the relationship was over, that she wanted me to leave and move out. I was between jobs, finances dwindling, so I reached out to a independently wealthy girl friend, in another city. When she returned, I was still home, because I took care of her dogs during their absence. She was still bristly but things slowly got better. One day she went at me again for something and told me to move out, it was done. I responded with "I had it all planned, I was going to move out, I had enough money to do it but I had to wait because I was loving and taking care of your dogs. I was going to move in with (name), across the country, now I don't have the funds" Her response " WHAT? you were going to just leave me like that, without telling me... ."

6 months later, after she was lining up the replacement, when I lost it on her for doing so, she said "you should have thought about that 6 months ago" It didn't really register until I started to really think about it. BUT, she was the one who told me to leave, she was the one who said it was over. I didn't want to and told her so. I only made the plan because I had no where else to go, no family in the US, no friends I could lean on but this one woman across the country who said I could crash there as long as needed to find a new job.

So despite never wanting to leave her but rather reacting to her own insistence that I leave, she felt abandoned and lined up a replacement. How screwed up is that?

[LimboFL]

What is even sadder is that, in the end, abandoning her as exactly what I did, but not because I wanted to, she forced my hand by breaking boundaries that I couldn't accept. It saved me but it will always confound me.

[jhkbuzz]

What is even sadder is that, in the end, abandoning her as exactly what I did, but not because I wanted to, she forced my hand by breaking boundaries that I couldn't accept. It saved me but it will always confound me.

Yes, through their behavior they bring to fruition the very thing they fear the most.  Mine did the same.

[4Years5Months]

That is what my ex did.  We came back from NYC, and everything seemed great.  But then the reality of her life set in.  She had just graduated from college (the trip to NYC was a gift from her family) and didn't have that "I'm still in college" excuse for not having her life together.  She went back to a job she hated (naturally, she has never enjoyed any job she has had).  She got sick, which bothered her more than it should have - for you Parks and Recreation fans, remember that episode where Chris Traeger (Rob Lowe) gets the flu and acts like his life is over?  Yeah, that was her.

She became bummed and depressed - more than usual.  And NONE of it was my fault, but guess who she picked at?  And well, I didn't tolerate this behavior, considering we were on our sixth recycle and three months removed from her sleeping with another guy.  We had several arguments.  I realize now that her abandonment fear kicked in around that time, and she slowly started to detach from me.  She did it in a passive aggressive way, by claiming to be "too sick" to hang out, but then going out the NEXT NIGHT with work friends, "friends" she suddenly loved after months of making fun of them.  Her new guy was among that group.  Again, I didn't tolerate it, and the relationship basically ended at that point - except she was the one to declare it over, which bugs me to this day.  I wish I had done it.

Looking back on it, she was the one who bubbled up all of this angst and fighting.  I was very happy when we returned from her vacation.  She was not, and I took the fall for HER feelings.

I honestly do not think she had lined up him as a replacement.  He was still married last time I asked about him.  I think he became an option, and she didn't want to be alone.  Simple as that.  She routinely made fun of him, calling him "Forrest Gump", saying he still had a flip cell phone, making fun of his wardrobe and appearance.  Now he's her boyfriend, and she's acting just like him.

[HappyNihilist]

4Years, I'm sorry.   I know it's confusing - seeing your exgf with a man she used to devalue and make fun of, and her acting so differently.

It sounds like it's helping you to step back and look at your relationship. It's painful and difficult, but it sounds like you're coming to some good realizations here.  

she had told me she was frustrated with a lot of things, and I wasn't doing enough to satisfy her.  However, a BPDer's expectations are so damn high, I could have, as my friend said, "lived inside her bra" and it wouldn't have made a difference.

The next few breakups were allegedly about me not making enough of an effort.

I have thought "If only I did (something) she wouldn't have broken up with me" each time it happens.  

I like your friend's expression.   It's true - you could never have done enough to satisfy her, because the needs she was expecting you to fulfill were needs that no one can fulfill. Borderlines are trying to find a caregiver-child attachment to resolve their core trauma, and of course no one else can give this to them.

Like fromheeltoheal said, it takes a herculean effort to try to ease the deep abandonment fears of a borderline.

What is even sadder is that, in the end, abandoning her as exactly what I did, but not because I wanted to, she forced my hand by breaking boundaries that I couldn't accept. It saved me but it will always confound me.

Yes, through their behavior they bring to fruition the very thing they fear the most.  Mine did the same.

That's one of the saddest parts of the disorder, to me. The self-fulfilling prophecy.

[4Years5Months]

Borderlines are trying to find a caregiver-child attachment to resolve their core trauma, and of course no one else can give this to them.

My therapist said that through my descriptions, she could tell that I had a parent/child relationship with my ex.  Constantly soothing her, validating her decisions.  I can remember she always wanted to be held in bed at night, and if she went to bed before me, she would want me to come hold her as it helped her fall asleep.  I can remember instinctively keeping my hand on her leg in the car while I drove.  I can remember constantly touching and rubbing her - she rarely asked, I just did it, because she reacted warmly.  Now I look back on that in a whole different light.

What pains me right now is that she is trying/doing all of that with another guy.  A guy she devalued, and I have never ever seen be serious, on Facebook or in person.  He's one of those Facebook commenters who has a "funny" line for everything.  She probably likes the attention, and since it's the idealization phase, she is able to look past his inadequacies (and I know they exist, because she told me) and still appreciate what he is giving her.  But I can guarantee he isn't giving her even half of the attention and adoration that I did.  But still, she won't reach out to me.  That's all I require, is that silly validation that I'm still needed.  It's awful that I feel that way, but I want to hear it.

Has anyone had an ex try to reconnect sooner than the typical 3-6 month infatuation period? 

[fromheeltoheal]

Apart from being enamored with a new attachment, after 7 recycles with you she may have compartmentalized you into a corner of her brain where you don't exist and/or is devaluing you to the new guy the same way she did him to you, all defense mechanisms to deal with emotions she can't deal with otherwise.

That's all I require, is that silly validation that I'm still needed.  It's awful that I feel that way, but I want to hear it.

So think that through: what would you do if she contacted you?  As is common with borderlines, she'll eventually have emotions she can't deal with herself and will look for external soothing, you may pop up on her radar as a possible lingering attachment/soother, and you may get a call, probably as if nothing bad ever happened between you, her looking to you to make her feel better, which you did plenty in the past.  So what will you do?  One choice is set up recycle #8; is that what you want?

Here's a person you had a volatile and unstable relationship with, and one that had a parent/child dynamic.  Have you dug into what needs you were getting met there?  And if you designed your dream relationship, where all of your needs were getting met sustainably most of the time, would this girl be the one to meet them?  The answers are yours, but if you're truly done it's helpful to start slowly shifting the focus from the past to the future and from her to you, as you move towards the life of your dreams.  We all wanted validation and/or closure when these relationships end and most of us never got it from our ex, and the good news about that is we get to find a way to give it to ourselves, and it ends up more powerful that way.  Take care of you!

[4Years5Months]

I have no doubt she is devaluing me to the new guy.  I don't think she would intentionally slam me, but if he finds ways to do it (I don't know how he would, considering I never met him) she would probably piggyback off of his comments.  I can see her ranting about me without explicitly slamming me, but then he says the hurtful words, and then she agrees with him.  Eventually, the two of them paint me black.  Does that make sense?

Shame seemed to be such a prevalent factor for her.  When she would break up with me, she would say she wasn't the woman I deserved, that I was going to find someone else and make her happy, and how hard it was to realize we couldn't be together.  COULDN'T be together.  She loved me, said she valued me, said I was the only person she felt comfortable around... .as she broke up with me.

I have no doubt that this joker (literally) will not be able to meet her emotional needs.  Sure, they can go places and have fun together, but eventually she will require that intimacy, and who knows if he will be able to deliver it, especially considering he is fresh out of a marriage.  If she reaches out to me, I will listen, but it will be more of a final conversation where I can get closure.  I will NOT be in a relationship with her again.  Absolutely not.

About two weeks ago, I broke NC and texted her.  It took her nearly two days to respond.  She said we couldn't be together, and it wasn't healthy to be friends right now.  Right now.  She didn't want communication between us currently.  Currently.  I asked her if I shouldn't contact her again, and she said right now, no.  Right now.  She never has slammed the door in my face, but she also was trying to establish boundaries.  I asked if in the future I could reach out to her, and while she didn't confirm or deny my request, she answered by saying she hoped we could truly be friends someday and couldn't imagine me gone from her life forever.  I told her I loved her and she said "You too" which is her passive aggressive push-away way of saying it without saying "love." and I left her alone - after saying she could always contact me.  She said "I appreciate that."

Four days later, I heard she was posting photos of the new guy on Facebook.

[4Years5Months]

And as far as compartmentalizing me - possibly, but in October she sat on her couch and wept as she told me she wanted to be with me forever (this was two days after sleeping with another guy) and making the grand gesture (as my therapist calls it) of promising to marry me, move to the city I want to live in, and have children.  She even had our children's names picked out, and had an idea of how she could be a stay at home mother.  That specific.  Then we took a trip to NYC and took many photos together.  Then we came back, and three weeks later, she told me she was trying not to talk to me so she wouldn't care about me anymore.

I got NUMEROUS Facebook messages from friends flabbergasted that she was with a new guy.  They didn't even know we had broken up (again).  That fast.

[fromheeltoheal]

What jumps out for me in that 4Years is the tendency for borderlines to chase fantasy love, which is why things happen so fast.  In a healthy relationship decisions like getting married, moving, and having children develop over time and get discussed, dreamed about, planned by both partners together.  Borderlines have trouble with long term plans, an offshoot of an unstable sense of self and living in the emotional moment, so a fantasy rapidly formed in her head, a response to the emotions of the moment, and that fantasy can just as easily evaporate, as you experienced.

Then again, I rode the fantasy as if it was real too, silly me, but eventually reality intervened, to my dismay, but the only 'right' thing to do was leave her at that point.  You may consider that you dodged a bullet by not going down paths with legal and financial consequences with her, which would have been way too real for fantasy.

[4Years5Months]

What jumps out for me in that 4Years is the tendency for borderlines to chase fantasy love, which is why things happen so fast.  In a healthy relationship decisions like getting married, moving, and having children develop over time and get discussed, dreamed about, planned by both partners together.  Borderlines have trouble with long term plans, an offshoot of an unstable sense of self and living in the emotional moment, so a fantasy rapidly formed in her head, a response to the emotions of the moment, and that fantasy can just as easily evaporate, as you experienced.

I have no doubt that her "grand plan" for us was a result of me giving her another chance after she had replaced me with another guy.  They had gone on a weekend trip to see her friend, slept together, and she reached out to me immediately afterward feeling incredibly guilty - that should tell you how the trip went.  When I forgave her (she was sobbing hysterically, I had never seen her act so vulnerable) she almost immediately turned and started texting me all about her "plan."  Four months later... .

The fact that she was discussing any of that at ALL was shocking to me.  It was always about HER plans, what SHE needed.  She's had a giant plan to move to New York City for years now.  She discusses it as if it's a certainty, but there is NOTHING set in stone, and she has done NOTHING to work toward it, career wise, financially, or personally.  But don't tell her that, you would be interfering with her dreams and not supporting her.