About a year now...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Can't remember the exact date, but almost a year ago my BPDex broke up with me.

We argued, she told me she needed to think about whether or not she still wanted to be with me. Whether or not it was worth hanging on to the relationship because I wasn't ready to do certain things.

She asked me to lay with her in bed and hold her. I refused because I laid everything out for her, I told her I was willing to do the work and that although I wasn't ready, I wanted to work for a better life for both of us. I told her I was willing to be supportive and work with her for a lifetime. I just needed time to work on myself.

I don't know, but the weeks prior were such a blur. I don't even know if I slept in the same bed as her. But... .

I had a countdown in my head. I didn't know when, but I felt it coming on. There was a number that flashed whenever I closed my eyes. I couldn't see it clearly, but was knew it was there. It was real. Eventually the day came. It was maybe a month or maybe a few weeks before what would have been our 5th anniversary.

There's much respect for those who walked away, those who said "Enough." I didn't, but in the end she left me.

Honestly, I can't say I didn't take things for granted-I most certainly did. There was much I wanted to do with her, places to go but I never had the energy to do it. But then again, for some time I'd been thinking of ending my own life. Freeing her from having to deal with me. But always I thought "If I do that, then everyone who's ever hurt me has won."

After she left, and after her own stunt where I was forced to call an ambulance, something changed. I wanted-truly wanted to kill myself. After a while my inner monologue sounded more like "If I'm dead, I won't be and then there's no more pain. Who cares about overcoming the negativity... .I've already lost. The people who hurt me will go on to have good lives while I'll remain stunted the rest of my life." On some days, I still think that way. I'm scared of dying of disease or some accident. But when it's in my own hands... .doesn't seem as frightening perhaps because there's a feeling of control. I'm no longer at the mercy of my circumstances, my shortcomings and my bad luck. I decide when it's time.

A year has gone by and I still hate myself. I still somehow feel as though she was the best I'll have ever had. That I had no right to piss and moan about how she treated me. That when I'm 35-40 and alone, maybe dying of some terminal illness, maybe with a revolver in my mouth playing russian roulette all by myself-that I'll reminisce and think "How could I have let that one go?"

Countless studies show that the longer someone is single, the more prone they are to illness, depression and all manner of problems.

In this time I've pondered about life and happiness. Not everyone gets to live, not everyone gets to be happy. Sure, I've encountered some nice people. But I might be too damaged at this point to really reconnect with people. Even as I talk about how I often I think of killing myself, and even though folks might not say it... .I always imagine people saying "Just shut up and either do it, or suck it up." People's kindness isn't something that reaches deep enough to stir anything in me, maybe it never has. Maybe something in my life forced me to build these walls.

I remember when I was in 2nd grade, I don't remember why, but something upset me once and I'd leave the class in a huff and throw myself down the stairs repeatedly, hoping I'd get injured. I never wanted to admit it, but I thought that if I got hurt badly enough... .someone would take care of me, nurse me and be loving towards me. Once I hid under a desk in an empty classroom. My teacher came up to me and started trying to talk me down. I guess I got upset easily as a kid. She scratched me behind the ear. I remember it felt so nice for someone to touch me. Then I guess a few days later, when I started throwing myself down the stairs... .the teacher passed me a note. Asking what was wrong, class was in session and... .I guess in jewish school... .they were pretty lax with certain things and you can't really stop teaching class because one kid is self-harming. We passed the note around and I don't remember what I said... .but she wrote something along the lines of being fed up with my act and what I could easily tell was she spit on the paper. I stopped. I stopped the tantrums, I stopped the self-harm because that day I realized no one was coming to save me, no one wanted to help. I was too much of a damn annoyance. Natural selection I figured. I didn't know the words, but something in me understood that it was just how adults picked and chose which children were worth nurturing. I was selected out.

Maybe the truth of the matter is, the life I've led up to this point was just nature weeding me out. I'm short, my temperament isn't good, I'm not the brightest, and perhaps adults could smell that on me even when I was a child. That I'd never quite grow into fully formed specimen, perhaps not defective but not... .not worth having. My suicidal thoughts might really be an arrangement of synapses forming a finality of some sort. I don't have the words. But the best way I can explain it is like this; It's just my body signaling to me that it knows I'm dead meat. That it knows the others left me to be eaten because the species would not have benefited from my continued existence and proliferation.

That is where I am these days. I don't really remember what it's like to be anything else. 

[Vatz]

Can't remember the exact date, but almost a year ago my BPDex broke up with me.

We argued, she told me she needed to think about whether or not she still wanted to be with me. Whether or not it was worth hanging on to the relationship because I wasn't ready to do certain things.

She asked me to lay with her in bed and hold her. I refused because I laid everything out for her, I told her I was willing to do the work and that although I wasn't ready, I wanted to work for a better life for both of us. I told her I was willing to be supportive and work with her for a lifetime. I just needed time to work on myself.

I don't know, but the weeks prior were such a blur. I don't even know if I slept in the same bed as her. But... .

I had a countdown in my head. I didn't know when, but I felt it coming on. There was a number that flashed whenever I closed my eyes. I couldn't see it clearly, but was knew it was there. It was real. Eventually the day came. It was maybe a month or maybe a few weeks before what would have been our 5th anniversary.

There's much respect for those who walked away, those who said "Enough." I didn't, but in the end she left me.

Honestly, I can't say I didn't take things for granted-I most certainly did. There was much I wanted to do with her, places to go but I never had the energy to do it. But then again, for some time I'd been thinking of ending my own life. Freeing her from having to deal with me. But always I thought "If I do that, then everyone who's ever hurt me has won."

After she left, and after her own stunt where I was forced to call an ambulance, something changed. I wanted-truly wanted to kill myself. After a while my inner monologue sounded more like "If I'm dead, I won't be and then there's no more pain. Who cares about overcoming the negativity... .I've already lost. The people who hurt me will go on to have good lives while I'll remain stunted the rest of my life." On some days, I still think that way. I'm scared of dying of disease or some accident. But when it's in my own hands... .doesn't seem as frightening perhaps because there's a feeling of control. I'm no longer at the mercy of my circumstances, my shortcomings and my bad luck. I decide when it's time.

A year has gone by and I still hate myself. I still somehow feel as though she was the best I'll have ever had. That I had no right to piss and moan about how she treated me. That when I'm 35-40 and alone, maybe dying of some terminal illness, maybe with a revolver in my mouth playing russian roulette all by myself-that I'll reminisce and think "How could I have let that one go?"

Countless studies show that the longer someone is single, the more prone they are to illness, depression and all manner of problems.

In this time I've pondered about life and happiness. Not everyone gets to live, not everyone gets to be happy. Sure, I've encountered some nice people. But I might be too damaged at this point to really reconnect with people. Even as I talk about how I often I think of killing myself, and even though folks might not say it... .I always imagine people saying "Just shut up and either do it, or suck it up." People's kindness isn't something that reaches deep enough to stir anything in me, maybe it never has. Maybe something in my life forced me to build these walls.

I remember when I was in 2nd grade, I don't remember why, but something upset me once and I'd leave the class in a huff and throw myself down the stairs repeatedly, hoping I'd get injured. I never wanted to admit it, but I thought that if I got hurt badly enough... .someone would take care of me, nurse me and be loving towards me. Once I hid under a desk in an empty classroom. My teacher came up to me and started trying to talk me down. I guess I got upset easily as a kid. She scratched me behind the ear. I remember it felt so nice for someone to touch me. Then I guess a few days later, when I started throwing myself down the stairs... .the teacher passed me a note. Asking what was wrong, class was in session and... .I guess in jewish school... .they were pretty lax with certain things and you can't really stop teaching class because one kid is self-harming. We passed the note around and I don't remember what I said... .but she wrote something along the lines of being fed up with my act and what I could easily tell was she spit on the paper. I stopped. I stopped the tantrums, I stopped the self-harm because that day I realized no one was coming to save me, no one wanted to help. I was too much of a damn annoyance. Natural selection I figured. I didn't know the words, but something in me understood that it was just how adults picked and chose which children were worth nurturing. I was selected out.

Maybe the truth of the matter is, the life I've led up to this point was just nature weeding me out. I'm short, my temperament isn't good, I'm not the brightest, and perhaps adults could smell that on me even when I was a child. That I'd never quite grow into fully formed specimen, perhaps not defective but not... .not worth having. My suicidal thoughts might really be an arrangement of synapses forming a finality of some sort. I don't have the words. But the best way I can explain it is like this; It's just my body signaling to me that it knows I'm dead meat. That it knows the others left me to be eaten because the species would not have benefited from my continued existence and proliferation.

That is where I am these days. I don't really remember what it's like to be anything else. 

[Pingo]

Hi Vatz,

I'm really sorry that you are having such a tough time. Depression is a sneaky ass, it robs you of joy, leaves you feeling worthless... .not always an accurate portrait of reality, that is for sure. But it sure convinces us it's reality.

I'm sorry that you experienced such loneliness as a child. Just hoping for someone to reach out to you, nurture you, give you the attention you craved and deserved. It's not fair Vatz. That you are left picking up the pieces of the damage done. But one thing I read between the lines in many of your posts is that you are a fighter, you want to find happiness, you aren't ready to give up.  You talk about wanting to have control of your own destiny, to be able to decide when you die rather than disease taking you at some point. Is this because you feel you have no control elsewhere in your life? You are taking control right now by reaching out. I'm sure it's not easy. Outside of this forum, what kind of support are you getting?

Sending you a big hug Vatz, stay strong and keep posting my friend. 

[JRT]

Vatz

Don't know how old you are but I am 48, single and in VERY good health. The best that it has ever been.

I can also tell you, that although I am still a bit hurt over my b/u with my exBPDfiance... .that will pas I am sure... .but I can tell you that there will be another for me... .there will be another for you... .trust me.

Stop beating yourself up man!

[Panda39]

Hi Vatz,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling.  You are not alone all of us are here for a reason and what I've learned by being here almost a year too is that the reason we are here isn't really a person with BPD.  A person with BPD led us all to this site but we stay here because of ourselves and our own issues... .we stay for us.  We stay because we learn that the only person we can change in this world is ourselves, we stay to learn about ourselves, we begin to recognize the issues, we talk with others about our problems, we find out about books on those issues, and we talk to others with the same issues... .some further behind us on the path and some further ahead of us.  Your voice is an important part of the group... .just like to you listen to all of us we listen to you.  You never know who's out there listening.  There are many that come here and lurk... .too shy to post... .and your words reach out and touch them, they are with you, you understand what they are going through, they feel connected.  I say again... .that you matter and are cared about... .keep doing the work I believe you will come out the other side.

I have also suffered depression it is hard and it is painful but it can be overcome.  Are you receiving therapy in the "real" world?  I hope so it can be helpful and give your journey some direction and assist you in finding your way.

The other thing your post made me think of were some other threads about your inner child. (If you do a search above on inner child you will find several threads on the topic).  What would you say to the young Vatz that was throwing himself down the stairs?

We care about you.

Panda39

[Suzn]

I stopped. I stopped the tantrums, I stopped the self-harm because that day I realized no one was coming to save me, no one wanted to help. I was too much of a damn annoyance. Natural selection I figured. I didn't know the words, but something in me understood that it was just how adults picked and chose which children were worth nurturing. I was selected out.

I've had this realization too.  No one is coming to save us.

I remember when I was in 2nd grade, I don't remember why, but something upset me once and I'd leave the class in a huff and throw myself down the stairs repeatedly, hoping I'd get injured. I never wanted to admit it, but I thought that if I got hurt badly enough... .someone would take care of me, nurse me and be loving towards me. 

Do you ever hope this now?

[eeks]

I am not clear on the details here, but you are saying the teacher said she was fed up with your act and had spit on the paper?  If so, you realize that's inhumane?  And don't say "she was inhumane towards me because I didn't deserve humane treatment".  I know this game because I've played it.

What if, on the other hand, she had had the courage to stay present with all of the emotions in herself that watching you throwing yourself down the stairs had triggered in her?  Empathy is a gritty business.  It requires that you face all that is unprocessed in yourself.

My personal example of how I learned this.  I was in group therapy and, although most of us had real life situations that were challenging, a lot of what was going on there was emotional patterns and interpersonal dynamics, old coping strategies that we were there to become more aware of.  However, one woman really truly did have a series of current life crises that would have left anyone depressed.  One day she was crying and crying and I just thought to myself, "oh god, not this again."  I really paid attention to what was going on in me and I realized that reaction was due to a sort of frustration and powerlessness in me that I could not do anything to change her situation.  That's quite different from my initial response, isn't it.

I've been looking in more detail lately at how people can displace their issues onto other people.  It took me a long time to detect this as I was not overtly abused, but the criticism and blaming (dad) and ethics and forcing me to "do the right thing" (mom) were how my parents dumped some of their issues onto me - rather than staying with the uncertainty and intense emotions evoked in them in the situation (my guess - that they felt inadequate in life in some ways, that in some ways they didn't know how to parent me, and their own pain from unprocessed trauma and their relationships with their respective parents, and/or I was expressing emotions that would have been forbidden for them as children).  

And I would not put it past teachers to do this sort of displacement of their issues onto the children in their class.  Kids are easy targets because they don't have fully formed boundaries.  Sounds sick, but I think it happens.

[Vatz]

I stopped. I stopped the tantrums, I stopped the self-harm because that day I realized no one was coming to save me, no one wanted to help. I was too much of a damn annoyance. Natural selection I figured. I didn't know the words, but something in me understood that it was just how adults picked and chose which children were worth nurturing. I was selected out.

I've had this realization too.  No one is coming to save us.

I remember when I was in 2nd grade, I don't remember why, but something upset me once and I'd leave the class in a huff and throw myself down the stairs repeatedly, hoping I'd get injured. I never wanted to admit it, but I thought that if I got hurt badly enough... .someone would take care of me, nurse me and be loving towards me.  

Do you ever hope this now?

Yeah, you're right about the realization. It doesn't work that way, and I suppose maybe that was a lesson I needed early on.

As for hoping for it now? Not really, at least not that I'm aware. I could very well be acting out such patterns in a subtle way that I don't notice it. So I won't say it's not possible that I continue to exhibit the behavior. When dealing with people out there I do what I can to keep the stuff to myself. So perhaps not in the sense that if I hurt myself badly enough, then someone will care. But I guess part of me wants to get some damn help. Though the best answer to that is, I'd like to think I've made *some* headway in moving past such maladaptive behavior and thought patterns. But that's just it. I'd like to think I have, doesn't mean I actually did. So... .good question.

You know, the thing you say about how no one is coming to save us... .maybe that's why I ended up with my borderline. I wanted to help. I felt alone and unwanted for so long, maybe part of me wanted for my BPDex to not feel the same way. Sometimes all I wanted to do was help her feel better, put a smile on her face. When I couldn't do that, maybe I blamed myself. When she cried or would get anxious, my first reaction was often to try to disarm the situation. Could it be that I was trying to do for someone else something I felt I didn't receive in childhood? I'm sure there's more to it, but what you said about no one coming to save us... .it bothered me and that says something. I don't think a normal person would be bothered by that statement.

It also ties into the inner child thing. What would I say to kid-me if I saw him doing that? I don't know.

It makes sense about the teacher, how her response was really just the byproduct of her own personal issues. Who knows. You're right about how my actions probably triggered her in some way, eeks. I guess she defaulted to what she was either accustomed to or something. F*ck. But here's the thing, I was short with my ex sometimes when she really needed me. Looking back I regret it. I regret a lot of things. I'm no different than that teacher that spit on the note and handed it to me. I was acting through my own fears, feelings of inadequacy, and anger. So was my ex. Sh*t. I could have been better and I should have been more patient. I knew that when sometimes I yelled or didn't show sympathy that it was wrong, I did it because I felt since she's done it to me then... .wow.

I'm still holding on to so much anger. I understand that these things happen, and we get hurt in life. But I'm still so angry, and I'm angry at myself that I'm not strong enough to just get past it. I have a hard time forgiving myself perhaps because in some way I haven't really forgiven the people who hurt me whether they meant to or not.

These are just thoughts and I could very well be wrong.

Why can't I get past all this anger, what's keeping me here? What is my anger and pain in the grand scheme of things? It's nothing. So what does any of it matter? If I could just let it all go and move on... .

I'm scared to let go of the anger. It's like a blanket, and because I've been furious for all these years I don't think I even know what I look like anymore. What I'm about to say will probably not make much sense but if I give in and let it all go, then who knows what else I'll just "calmly accept." Letting go is death, and I don't know why.

A bit long-winded, I know. But thank you all for reading and replying. Means a lot to hear you guys care. Thank you all for the questions too, they certainly give me something to look into. I very much appreciate the kind words and the insight. There's a lot for me to think about.

[Suzn]

What would I say to kid-me if I saw him doing that?

This is a good question Vats. What would he say if you asked why he's doing that?

I have a hard time forgiving myself perhaps because in some way I haven't really forgiven the people who hurt me whether they meant to or not.

Forgiveness can be hard, both ways. Why do you think you are putting forgiveness of others before grieving your hurt?

[Panda39]

What would I say to kid-me if I saw him doing that?

This is a good question Vats. What would he say if you asked why he's doing that?

I have a hard time forgiving myself perhaps because in some way I haven't really forgiven the people who hurt me whether they meant to or not.

T

Forgiveness can be hard, both ways. Why do you think you are putting forgiveness of others before grieving your hurt?

Why can't I get past all this anger, what's keeping me here? What is my anger and pain in the grand scheme of things? It's nothing. So what does any of it matter? If I could just let it all go and move on... .

I'm scared to let go of the anger.

Do you think there are other feelings under the anger?

I had a person in my past that I loved dearly that broke my heart and for 25 years I stuffed the love I felt for him.  Many years later I let that love out and guess what was underneath it?... .Anger, Disappointment, Sadness, Hurt, My Self-Blame, My low Self-Esteem... .all feelings and insecurities camouflaged by "love".  Part of resolving that past relationship for me was unearthing all of these other feelings and understanding it was okay to feel them, that it was natural to feel them based on the past relationship, and in working through them I could let them go.