one of those conversations

[babyducks]

 

So we had one of "those" conversations last night.   And No I didn't start it.   One of those distorted reality, it's all your fault, let me explain to you how you feel (and getting it wrong to boot) while telling you what you need to do EXACTLY to make me feel better conversations.

It wasn't really a conversation it was more like a combination wrestling match dodge ball game about who was going to accept responsibility for the entire world for the rest of eternity.

Okay obviously I am frustrated and engaging in some hyperbole.

I tried to validate where I could but it felt to me like there wasn't a lot I could validate.   I am wary of validating the invalid.   Specifically when she says things like "You did a lousy job handling the situation with XYZ." When I happen to think that given the situation, and the BPD traits in the mix that I didn't understand,  I did fairly decent with XYZ.   Last night if I agreed with her at all, even saying something like "I can see how you feel that way."   It became "see I am right! you are wrong" and on this topic I can't go there.

On the plus side,  I am much less upset than I would have been before learning all the tools and traits.   I am pretty proud of myself that I didn't pour more negative energy into the environment.   I think I did a pretty decent job of holding my boundaries and not accepting responsibility  for emotions that are not mine.

On the not so plus side,  I am feeling frustrated and kind of empty.   We have literally covered this same topic in some form so many times  that it's no longer even interesting.   I don't react the way I used to but I am pretty tired of hearing how difficult I am to be in a relationship with.   

So I guess it's another day with Lesson Number 4 ?   How do you all survive confrontation and disrespect?

'ducks

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[sweetheart]

Hello babyducks,

My answer in its most simplest format, is I no longer sit and listen, I make my excuses and go busy myself somewhere else, this has meant going out at times. If I can't validate it and I am on the receiving end of disrespect that is confrontational I no longer engage in it.

I've done the sitting and listening blame game, then I found here and started to validate and not JADE. It is as you know exhausting to be on the end of something where there really is never going to be a resolution anytime this millennium. I'm not surprised you feel empty and frustrated. I can relate.

I can't stop my h venting but I can stop listening and giving him a sounding board.

I'm not unkind or rude because this is his reality and part of his illness, so sometimes I listen for a while to see if I can hear what's underneath so I can validate it, but if it's a blamefest, I will use SET to say my version of things is different from his.

Sometimes SET works and halts the outpouring and sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes validation works sometimes it doesn't.

Could you begin to factor in removing yourself from these situations as a way of protecting yourself emotionally ?

How might you do this ?

[Aurylian]

Good job using the tools, but I agree that there are times where you just need to exit.  Nothing good is going to come from it so take a time out or yell "Squirrel" or something like that. 

Sympathizing with you.  I had one of those last night too.  I just ended up disconnecting and then had to go help get my daughters to bed. 

[Michelle27]

I've been through hundreds of "those" conversations too.  Cherry picking, circular arguments, blaming, projection and gaslighting all at once.  I don't know how my head didn't explode.  Add in my own JADEing before I understood what was going on and they were pretty horrific.  I carried around an overnight bag in my car for years if I needed to exit (why do they always seem to happen at night?).

I won't take part in them anymore.  And since he's at least partially aware now, he has agreed to be the one to exit when he dysregulates because my home has become so emotionally unsafe after years of "those" conversations and the fallout including my own PTSD like symptoms.  We've been given a key to a friend's place so he can go anytime of day or night.  He has yet to do it, and has had two more "minor" dysregulations since this boundary of mine has been in place.  Unfortunately, "minor" means that he didn't hit 9 on the Richter scale but of course, my anxiety still does.

[formflier]

 

Unless you are in a good... strong place... .ready to listen and validate... .skip the conversations.

ff

[babyducks]

Could you begin to factor in removing yourself from these situations as a way of protecting yourself emotionally ?

How might you do this ?

Good Questions sweetheart, thanks.   Now that I've had the day to settle I think I can be more verbally generous to both of us.   We both did a pretty decent job of stopping the circular conversation after about 10 or 15 minutes and the tone and the temperature of the conversation was a lot less volatile and intense than it was in the past.  I actually said to her 'should we stop this conversation now before it goes any further' and she agreed so I am going to call that a win for both of us.  It didn't escalate and it didn't drag on.  We were at my house so my getting out of the conversation required a little more negotiation than normal.  15 minutes feels pretty reasonable considering.

I think perhaps protecting myself emotionally might be addressed by looking at why I am always always blindsided by the emotional deregulation.   I am always surprised when the distorted thinking appears.   

It's not like I don't know intellectually that this is what I have signed on for.  That I am in a relationship with someone who processes information much differently than I do.   I feel the limitations of the r/s so severely on days like this.

[babyducks]

Good job using the tools, but I agree that there are times where you just need to exit. 

I guess Aurylian, it's a balancing act and it's very hard to walk down the middle of the road.

I want/wanted to do a little T=truth from SET and not do any D=defend from JADE while validating what I could, which was very little, while not tolerating any ultimatums.   

And there are times when that is just impossible, and last night was one of them.  Maybe I am being too hard on both of us.   

Sheesh.  Why is none of this ever easy.