Depression just hit me, disconnected, trying to fake it.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I expected to be doing better.  I was doing well.  He left Saturday, he still has some things to pick up.  Depression just sort of came up from behind me and knocked me over.

I have PTSD(from earlier childhood), and my depression right now has me in a state of numb paralysis.  It is hard to think.  Hard to know how to get to work. I feel like I am far removed and moving in slow motion. 

I keep telling myself, "just keep swimming swimming, swimming."

*sigh*

I am grateful for you guys explaining that feelings may come in dribs and drabs, not necessarily constant, as I was a bit wary that I felt to be coping too well.

So now, any ideas?

I'm thinking... .

Exercises

One foot in front of he other

Something nurturing

Allow the feelings... .but then turn to functioning.

Ugh!  I want to call in sick but can't, and haven't got to work.

[Sunfl0wer]

I expected to be doing better.  I was doing well.  He left Saturday, he still has some things to pick up.  Depression just sort of came up from behind me and knocked me over.

I have PTSD(from earlier childhood), and my depression right now has me in a state of numb paralysis.  It is hard to think.  Hard to know how to get to work. I feel like I am far removed and moving in slow motion. 

I keep telling myself, "just keep swimming swimming, swimming."

*sigh*

I am grateful for you guys explaining that feelings may come in dribs and drabs, not necessarily constant, as I was a bit wary that I felt to be coping too well.

So now, any ideas?

I'm thinking... .

Exercises

One foot in front of he other

Something nurturing

Allow the feelings... .but then turn to functioning.

Ugh!  I want to call in sick but can't, and haven't got to work.

[LonelyChild]

I expected to be doing better.  I was doing well.  He left Saturday, he still has some things to pick up.  Depression just sort of came up from behind me and knocked me over.

I have PTSD(from earlier childhood), and my depression right now has me in a state of numb paralysis.  It is hard to think.  Hard to know how to get to work. I feel like I am far removed and moving in slow motion. 

I keep telling myself, "just keep swimming swimming, swimming."

*sigh*

I am grateful for you guys explaining that feelings may come in dribs and drabs, not necessarily constant, as I was a bit wary that I felt to be coping too well.

So now, any ideas?

I'm thinking... .

Exercises

One foot in front of he other

Something nurturing

Allow the feelings... .but then turn to functioning.

Ugh!  I want to call in sick but can't, and haven't got to work.

It's ok to do nothing for a bit. Extreme anxiety is ok to feel. Just make sure you don't start to dissociate. Keep in contact with close friends and family.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you lonelychild,

Yes, I'm feeling dissociative. I think I'll sleep it off a bit and start new tomorrow. Officially declaring this a "sick" day. :/

[Infern0]

I got a wave of depression yesterday.  I just wait them out. Tell yourself it'll pass and it will pass.

[Sunfl0wer]

I got a wave of depression yesterday.  I just wait them out. Tell yourself it'll pass and it will pass.

Thank you Inferno!  "Wave" - that reminds me of a tool a friend once shared with me called urge surfing.  I can apply the same here.  Very helpful.

www.theemotionmachine.com/urge-surfing-how-to-overcome-addictive-behaviors

[stntylr]

I'm just beginning to move past the depression I had when everything fell apart in my relationship. It hurts a lot but eventually you will move past it.

[LimboFL]

Hi Sunflower, I am glad to be out of that because it hurt me so badly.

One thing that I know kept me in the circle of emotions was knowing that I had to pick up some things from the apartment, that was mine, but that I left so that she wouldn't have to try and find a place for two dogs and worry about a deposit.

Even when they aren't in front of you, we feel a connection to their things. I mentioned in another post that simply sending a letter to my exBPDgf, at the time wanting to rethink the b/u etc, had my nerves shot. The anticipation of her receiving that letter, how she would react, would she respond etc.

This is why no contact ic absolutely critical. It might help if you box his things and leave them in a garage if you have one, or even out in the back yard, if you have one. No matter what they have done, we still love them and having their belongings in our midst is almost like having them with us.

I spent some very sweet and loving times with my ex and my heart wanted to keep a few momentos, but I dumped every picture I had, tossed every single reminder of her that I had. It is part of the detachment and absolutely necessary in order to feel like you have achieved a clean slate. This is about protecting number one.

If you can't get it to an outside place, in your home, then ask a friend if they wouldn't mind putting his stuff in their garage.

I hope this helps.

Stay strong.

[Seriously?]

I am depressed right now, too. I had been doing well, but then opened myself up to him again. We went to marriage counseling. Basically, it turned out he just wanted a place to stay. I didn't allow him to come home, but the emotional backslide I did is confusing. I know who he is and why it can't work,   but yesterday  (about 3 weeks after the counseling) I am crying and emotional like I was when NC began back in September. I still don't feel right today. I hate that I gave him so much power. The only plus this time is that he does not get to know how I feel. NC until our court date next Monday. Please take care of you.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks guys!

LimboFl, he left something I couldn't move.  It is gone now, the rest of his things are in the garage, except the potted plants which are on the porch. I won't put them in the garage for him as they may die.  He will be back for them. 

I don't think that is what is making me sick with anxiety.  It is his lack of anything.  We are both numb, not really interacting.  HE is the one I'd go to for support, if I feel this way.  Ok, reality check, he often wouldn't soothe me, but sometimes would, it was irregular and inconsistent, but something I still long for I suppose.  Something that hasn't happened in about 7 months when he painted me very black and unworthy.

Thank you for the NC reminder, I'm feeling so tempted this evening, even tho I know the likely outcome is more rejection.

I am depressed right now, too. I had been doing well, but then opened myself up to him again. We went to marriage counseling. Basically, it turned out he just wanted a place to stay. I didn't allow him to come home, but the emotional backslide I did is confusing. I know who he is and why it can't work,   but yesterday  (about 3 weeks after the counseling) I am crying and emotional like I was when NC began back in September. I still don't feel right today. I hate that I gave him so much power. The only plus this time is that he does not get to know how I feel. NC until our court date next Monday. Please take care of you.

Oh gosh, this is a good reminder for me.  Going to MC would fill me with hope, then I would feel crushed!  How awful!

Actually, after he initially announced we were broken up, he continued to pay for my solo sessions with the MC.  The MC was encouraging me for months to reconnect until he could "find his way back." How devastated I was when he freaked out after I told him that MC for months had me waiting for him, we were having episodes of intimacy and things were somewhat calm between us for months, it actually appeared to be working.  Then I told him. I was hopeful all that time before, he flipped out, said that wasn't his intention, then immediately withdrew all affection and HE went LC while living out the lease!  (I still got mixed messages and push/pull... but mostly he barely spoke)

[LimboFL]

Sunflower, I know exactly where you are. I have cried buckets over the last 3 to 4 months and just had a brief recycle, which took me a week to get over. I don't think that there is anything anyone can say to ease you out of what you are feeling. I was just there and it hurt very badly. The emotional overload, the disruption and the feelings betrayal and despair are acute and feel like a 10 ton weight.

Soon enough the red flags will start popping up. You are aware of them now but they aren't registering loud enough. What was interesting was your backtrack on how he was the one you would go to for support. Clearly he wasn't really. You just soothed yourself after he likely offered a brief moment of concern. My exBPDgf would offer very brief words of support when I was having a little or even big crisis. It was always fleeting because if she didn't approve of something I did, which could have been 5 minutes after expressing my crisis, she wouldn't hesitate to express herself. There seemed to be no filter that said "maybe now is not a good time to get on him about something so minor". Either that or she would offer advice that would not be helpful in the moment. You should do this or do that or if you had just listened to me... .Sometimes I just couldn't help but bark at her but then I looked like the bad guy. I believe that a lot of my impatience had to do with the absorption of constant mockings and belittlings, the jabs and all.

I am sure it was not meant maliciously but whenever she had a crisis I offered my undivided attention, complete support and an observation of at least 24 hours for her to digest the new situation, if not more.

I don't mean the above to be an opportunity to recount my own story but rather as a reminder that we all saw what we believed we wanted and hoped to see in our partners. We actually ended up being our own support system and really just dreamed that they were there for us. They were there for us just enough to keep us believing that they were there for us all of the way but they really weren't. If I brought this to her attention I would get "don't be such a baby, be a man. I think you are the woman in this relationship" Thanks honey! How about this if I am the woman, how about you start paying all of the bills then, given that you clearly believe that it is the man's job to do so. If this happens, I will be completely happy doing all of the house cleaning I do already.

I never expected her to cry or stop her life. I would have been happy with just a reprieve on everything else.

The above is also about reminding ourselves of all of the things that we did to try and make their lives more comfortable and how, in the end, that it wasn't really reciprocal. I did so many small things for her, on a daily basis, but whenever I asked for anything I usually got a hem and a haw. 

You need to force all of the things that you knew weren't right, about the way he treated you, to the surface. Focus on those and not the person that we really ended up dreaming that we had. I am the first to admit to my own failings, because I had many, but ultimately I know that I bent over backwards, with all of the means that I had, to make her life better. I couldn't buy her a yacht or a monster diamond ring, but I pulled her out of a coke fueled existence, gave her a bed to sleep in after she was kicked out of her apartment, housed and almost single handedly cared for her dogs, whom I loved and so so much more. I am sure you did the same. What did we get in return? Being painted black? betrayal? Criticism? Anger? Impatience? Hypocrisy?Heartache? I could go on and on.

These are the things that you need to focus on. It was not that long ago where I, despite all of my better judgement, was focused on only what I thought were the great things. This mixed in with the extreme empathy and the use of that to justify my ex's behavior. It's the disorder that is doing this to us, it's the disorder dammit! Yes, it is the disorder and no matter how much our hearts want it to be different, we can't change it. So at a certain point we just have to stop fighting against the tide and allow ourselves to finally swim with the tide.

These words cannot quell your pain or sadness right now, I know, but if you fight back against it and push the negatives forward, you will get out of this. Just two weeks ago I would have a rush of emotion simply seeing her name but I would talk myself into not allowing those emotions to rise to the surface. Today, I just had to re-log into my netflix account (I have kept her on the account simply because it's a real jerk move to kick her out) and I saw her name. Maybe just a tiny reflection but otherwise seeing her named didn't phase me a bit. Seeing her would be quite different and I hope that I never have to deal with that.

As for his things, just the fact that they are in your periphery is likely impacting you. Once all of those things are gone, you will feel your home is completely yours again. I left some stuff at my old apartment and because of my move, I needed her to keep it for a month. That month was desperately hard, because even though they were not things I cared very much about, they sort of represented a line into that apartment, an umbilical cord of sort. Seeing her to pick them up was very hard.

Anyway, I am rambling, you get what I am saying. As the board knows, I am very long winded. =)

Chin up, you deserve better and you know it and you will find better, much better.  

[Sunfl0wer]

I cannot thank you enough in this moment for your "long winded reply" LimboFL!

I am so grateful for someone to understand what I am going through because I feel so confused and overwhelmed by it all myself!  It is reassuring to hear that it makes sense. 

I am used to being the caretaker of the relationship.  I am not used to anyone being in tune to my needs.  Hearing people like yourself, understand and take the time to listen and attend to my thoughts, is priceless.  Lol, and it actually confuses me a bit!  In a good way.

The emotional overload, the disruption and the feelings betrayal and despair are acute and feel like a 10 ton weight.

YES!

Soon enough the red flags will start popping up. You are aware of them now but they aren't registering loud enough. What was interesting was your backtrack on how he was the one you would go to for support. Clearly he wasn't really. You just soothed yourself after he likely offered a brief moment of concern. My exBPDgf would offer very brief words of support when I was having a little or even big crisis. It was always fleeting because if she didn't approve of something I did, which could have been 5 minutes after expressing my crisis, she wouldn't hesitate to express herself. There seemed to be no filter that said "maybe now is not a good time to get on him about something so minor". Either that or she would offer advice that would not be helpful in the moment. You should do this or do that or if you had just listened to me... .Sometimes I just couldn't help but bark at her but then I looked like the bad guy. I believe that a lot of my impatience had to do with the absorption of constant mockings and belittlings, the jabs and all.

I don't mean the above to be an opportunity to recount my own story but rather as a reminder that we all saw what we believed we wanted and hoped to see in our partners. We actually ended up being our own support system and really just dreamed that they were there for us. They were there for us just enough to keep us believing that they were there for us all of the way but they really weren't. If I brought this to her attention I would get "don't be such a baby, be a man. I think you are the woman in this relationship" Thanks honey! How about this if I am the woman, how about you start paying all of the bills then, given that you clearly believe that it is the man's job to do so. If this happens, I will be completely happy doing all of the house cleaning I do already.

Thank you for sharing, it is good to stop focusing on myself for a bit, also good for me to focus on the big picture.  You are 100% correct! I just dreamed he was there!  It was just enough to give me a false hope.

I never expected her to cry or stop her life. I would have been happy with just a reprieve on everything else.

This reminds me of the classic time I was writhing in pain and sick on the couch, he decided to harp on me for carelessly leaving my shoes by the door!  I had to sit up, come out of my semi-sleepy stupor, reposition myself to hear what was soo important, and he was griping!  You kidding me?  Lol, thanks for refreshing my memory!

You need to force all of the things that you knew weren't right, about the way he treated you, to the surface. Focus on those and not the person that we really ended up dreaming that we had. I am the first to admit to my own failings, because I had many, but ultimately I know that I bent over backwards, with all of the means that I had, to make her life better. I couldn't buy her a yacht or a monster diamond ring, but I pulled her out of a coke fueled existence, gave her a bed to sleep in after she was kicked out of her apartment, housed and almost single handedly cared for her dogs, whom I loved and so so much more. I am sure you did the same. What did we get in return? Being painted black? betrayal? Criticism? Anger? Impatience? Hypocrisy?Heartache? I could go on and on.

Yes, all very true. 

I guess what also bothers me, is that he was not really malicious.  He was mostly just stunted emotionally and unaware, like Mr. Magoo.  And I have been trying to put glasses on a blind man!

These are the things that you need to focus on. It was not that long ago where I, despite all of my better judgement, was focused on only what I thought were the great things. This mixed in with the extreme empathy and the use of that to justify my ex's behavior. It's the disorder that is doing this to us, it's the disorder dammit! Yes, it is the disorder and no matter how much our hearts want it to be different, we can't change it. So at a certain point we just have to stop fighting against the tide and allow ourselves to finally swim with the tide.

These words cannot quell your pain or sadness right now, I know, but if you fight back against it and push the negatives forward, you will get out of this. Just two weeks ago I would have a rush of emotion simply seeing her name but I would talk myself into not allowing those emotions to rise to the surface. Today, I just had to re-log into my netflix account (I have kept her on the account simply because it's a real jerk move to kick her out) and I saw her name. Maybe just a tiny reflection but otherwise seeing her named didn't phase me a bit. Seeing her would be quite different and I hope that I never have to deal with that.

I know you are right, I know I need to hear this, I need to come back and reread all of it.  I know I need to feel this sadness now, and be ok with it.  I think that is what I need to recover, be ok in the sadness, find a way in myself to be ok with it, then be ok with myself.  I think reaching out to him in this moment, is exactly the opposite of what I need.

Lol, he got his own Netflix account two months ago, to flaunt his independence, even though I was sharing. Damn Netflix!

As for his things, just the fact that they are in your periphery is likely impacting you. Once all of those things are gone, you will feel your home is completely yours again. I left some stuff at my old apartment and because of my move, I needed her to keep it for a month. That month was desperately hard, because even though they were not things I cared very much about, they sort of represented a line into that apartment, an umbilical cord of sort. Seeing her to pick them up was very hard.

Anyway, I am rambling, you get what I am saying. As the board knows, I am very long winded. =)

Chin up, you deserve better and you know it and you will find better, much better. 

For this I feel differently.  It is not his things that trigger my emotion.  It is the emptiness left in the house.  The bare walls where his unit used to be that screams out his rejection to me.  The extra closet space that mocks me as it invites my clothing to spread out.  The cleanliness of the bathroom and kitchen that shimmer back to me and throw it in my face that they remained clean since I last passed through there.  My cheese angers me because it is his guilt that he left it behind as he knows I love cheese, even though am intolerant to it.  Insanely enough, the air has extra space and there are no clouds looming around the house from his grunting, stomping, and other PA grumbling that I have grown so accustom to.  There is no noise of a ball game keeping me up tonight, the silence is creeping under my door instead.

[StarOfTheSea]

Hi Sunflower ,

The depression part of this process really sucks. What helped me after the b/u with my exBPDbf was trying to maintain as normal a routine as possible, that meant dragging my butt to work and pushing myself to do things to take care of myself and environment.

I have depression and awhile back went through a very rough, severe episode; I'm lucky to be here today. If the day comes that I can't get out of bed or shower or eat, I know I'm in serious trouble. So I push myself, gently.

Trying to stick to 'normal' even though your world just imploded kind of gives you an anchor. Be gentle with yourself.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Sunflower ,

The depression part of this process really sucks. What helped me after the b/u with my exBPDbf was trying to maintain as normal a routine as possible, that meant dragging my butt to work and pushing myself to do things to take care of myself and environment.

I have depression and awhile back went through a very rough, severe episode; I'm lucky to be here today. If the day comes that I can't get out of bed or shower or eat, I know I'm in serious trouble. So I push myself, gently.

Trying to stick to 'normal' even though your world just imploded kind of gives you an anchor. Be gentle with yourself.

Thank you StarOfTheSea, I keep thinking of something different to do.  You are exactly right, it seems obvious, but I'm not thinking clearly, what I need is to stick with my normal routine!  I feel like crap for being in bed most the day.  I would have felt better to force myself to work.  (I did try to do something, but realized I had to go home as I forgot my wallet, then is just gave up). Thx again!

[LimboFL]

Sunflower, I am happy that I could offer you a reprieve. My confusion lies in how our partners were NOT capable of this kind of sustained empathy. You and I have never even met and yet we both feel for each other. How is it that they couldn't for the people with whom they were in a relationship?

As for his things, yes, our stories are different in that regard. I left her and during the 2 day recycle that I cut short, because I caught her in a huge lie, I saw our apartment and it was a dirty mess. Was this because she was out having such a good time that she couldn't be bothered to clean (keeping in mind that if I missed a spot, as the primary house cleaner, I would be told off) or she was too exhausted or maybe because she too has endured pain from the b/u, I don't know, nor do I allow myself to give it any thought. I bent over backwards for her.

We lived together for 3 years and I worked from home, for part of that time (something she said she liked because I was there). I drove her to work and collected her from work (she doesn't have a car), when she got home, I had a glass of wine poured for her. The bed was made, the kitchen cleaned, dogs fed etc. I paid the majority of the bills (for 2 years all of them). I took that all away and ran, because she had lined up my replacement (who lives a thousand miles away, so not able to simply move in a keep the bed warm). She would from time to time appreciate all of these things, but it was fleeting. None of it was enough to stop her from looking for my replacement, so my sincere hope is that she misses all of the things I did for her, the kindness I brought to her life. She took a lot of it for granted when we were together.

While there were spurts of anger, impatience, mockery and sometimes even rage, my ex wasn't malicious either. She showed caring and did mean well, most of the time. But, I cannot and will not feel empathy for her anymore.  I was there for her, faithful and kind. I had my issues, as we all do and I got angry plenty at her selfishness and lack of reciprocity, but until the end I was there for her and I never stopped loving.

She is supposed to be moving to another state, not sure where or when. I hope soon. I will never know but I will feel like I have the city back and that I can never bump into her. The final piece in my puzzle. The replacement still lives with his ex wife and kids, a thousand miles away (she told me before she started to chase him) and she wasn't a real fan of his city (where she traveled because she had another dream sequence of moving to yet another city). We are moving into a rough season for her retail job (art) and she needs money to move anywhere and a job (she claimed that she was "in talks with", who knows). A part of me wants her to suffer some. She might mask it with another man or even two. I can't imagine that after a few months of long distance with I believe a couple of meetings out of town, that he is ready to move her to his town and start financing her. Who knows, maybe, good for them both.

I will no longer feel sorry. Why should I? She broke the last boundary. I might have left the apartment and her but she left me first by starting a thing with a replacement, not I.

So, yes I can see how our situations are different. Maybe you need to fill that empty space with a new vibe. Paint your bedroom, go buy some new clothes to fill that closet with, even if it's thrift stuff. Buy some new plants and some new art. Steam the carpets (if you have carpet). In short, do some small things to make the place feel like new again. It gives you something to do and helps you "exorcise" your ex from the place. Throw anything out that might remind you of him, his favorite knife, any soap that might still be there. Because of finances, I had to move into a roommate situation, granted I go lucky because it's gorgeous, views of ocean etc. but when I got here, there were a couple of items left by previous tenant. One was a can of spray deodorant and a number of other useful items. She used this exact deodorant. I could have kept it as a back up for myself. I kept everything but threw away the can of deodorant.

You get the picture.

I hope that you are feeling better today and that you keep feeling better day after day. You will.

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm going to come back to this. 

I am so grateful for all of the support.

I am going to get out of bed now, try to act normal, go to work, do my regular routine!

Let's see how that goes! 

Starting off my day feeling grateful, thanks guys!

[StarOfTheSea]

I'm going to come back to this. 

I am so grateful for all of the support.

I am going to get out of bed now, try to act normal, go to work, do my regular routine!

Let's see how that goes! 

Starting off my day feeling grateful, thanks guys!

Awesome! It will be exhausting but worth it. I'm glad you're doing your normal routine today. Small steps and take those one at a time.   You can get through today.

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm going to come back to this. 

I am so grateful for all of the support.

I am going to get out of bed now, try to act normal, go to work, do my regular routine!

Let's see how that goes! 

Starting off my day feeling grateful, thanks guys!

Awesome! It will be exhausting but worth it. I'm glad you're doing your normal routine today. Small steps and take those one at a time.   You can get through today.

Back at work.  I left a bit of a mess to clean up and sort out by neglecting things.  I popped in BPDF just to "take a break" from responsibility for a bit.  I'm in tears, feeling so raw holding back.  Thank you StarOfTheSea, it means so much to see your expressions of support!   . It truly means so much right now!   

There is no one that can really "get it," unless I had a friend who also had the PD issues of a SO.  I can talk on superficial, general terms about it to a few people.  But eventually, my rumblings sound so confusing to anyone who has not been in this position, that I taper off and realize that I am sounding crazy to the other person.  Why is this? (Rhetorical, must start a new thread about that as it has been bothering me that our r/s, even after b/u feels like some dirty little secret, or more like some crazy language that no one recognizes and therefore can cause question to your stability/understanding)

I really was so lost yesterday, frozen, not going to work, didn't cancel obligations, just skipped them and hid.

Today I'm in a daze, semi dissociative, but somewhat functioning.

Thank you for literally telling me to do normal routine stuff! 

I'll keep taking little steps today, then tomorrow and the next.

Because the alternative was, that I was headed for a hole, but now I'm climbing one rung at a time, slow and steady today.  Thank you!

I'm also thinking of just scheduling a couple of T sessions. ( this is a bit expensive and a luxury for me as I have no insurance atm)( we used his insurance for MC!  Ugh!)

[LimboFL]

One step at a time. Don't let it beat you!

[StarOfTheSea]

You're so welcome, Sunflower 

A T appointment is an excellent idea. It's really helpful to talk to a neutral third party. Just a thought, do you have an Employee Assistance Program at work? That could be a short term option for counseling that's also free.

Don't forget to take care of your body today, too. Be sure to eat something decent, even if you have no appetite. (Sorry to sound like your mom. ) Don't be afraid to cry, either. It's totally ok to hide in bathroom at work for a few minutes and cry. You can get through the rest of the day! 

You've probably read this on other posts, but FB or any other social media where you could see him is not your friend. I know it's soo tempting but don't go there. It will make you feel even sh&%%ier. (Been there, done that.) As one of my friends told me, there is nothing for you in that rear view mirror. Ahead, not back from here on out.

[HappyNihilist]

Sunfl0wer, I'm so incredibly sorry you're having a rough time.   You've gotten a lot of good support and advice here.

I like to say - some days we deserve medals just for getting out of bed. When I'm having a particularly bad time, I will literally congratulate myself on just continuing to exist. I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but never underestimate the strength it takes at times. Be proud of yourself for that, you deserve it. 

It's perfectly ok to not do anything. Sometimes our normal routines just take too much out of us. There's nothing wrong with taking a "mental health day" to sit at home in your pajamas, binge-watching Netflix from a nest of blankets on the couch. The world will still be out there the next day.

The important thing is to take care of yourself.   Keep checking in with yourself to make sure you're not getting overwhelmed. I think a therapist appointment is a great idea, too.

Just remember - you will feel better. This is only temporary. Take care of You. 

[sun seeker]

Hi  sunflower.

  Yea no know exactly what you are feeling. 

I needed to get out of the house being In bed kept me stuck and going crazy. until I started getting out. It was rough ass hell. Everything reminded me of my dexBPDgf . I mean grocery shopping was difficult cause we always did that together. Ever time I went to the store alone  it got less and less rough.

  I known you feel like ___ but this is how healing starts. You will be ok stay n/c , feel every feeling,  do the work. You got this im proud of you for taking your life back.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you ALL so so much!  I cannot express!

I am literally brought to tears!   :'(

I have been so strong for soo long!  I think that falling apart was overdue for me.

I think that I am not only grieving the loss of my fantasy, my hopes, my dream for my future,  ... .I am also just so raw, I am grieving all the loss that occurred the past 5 years and felt so utterly alone and never got the chance to grieve. All the loss that I tried to communicate to him but was ignored!  My son almost DIED!   I lost my SD because he was selfish and greedy with her!  He accidentally killed our family pet!  I just cannot help myself... .he hasn't listened, I had to hold back so much emotion, because I knew he could not cope with it, I knew I would get punished for FEELING!   ... .Anything but "happy!"  Is just not acceptable or recognized.

I have been faking to myself that someone was there, would be there for me always.  Hoping that he would be to me, who I modeled to him, who a partner should be ... .for him, for US.  I put up with so much s**t and abuse from his ex because I thought that he would be equally devoted to US!

I am just losing it tonight.

I am just grateful that I can loose it here, then get it out of my system, then carry on tomorrow am.  I promise guys, I will appear "normal" to the world tomorrow!

My friend just lost her son.  I think hearing of this just put my "petty" c**p into perspective.  I think this is all b*lls**t!  There are much more important things happening all over this planet. 

All of this is so insignificant.  It is just about the meaning WE decide to attach to it all.

I feel exhausted from my own emotion.

I really just needed to freak out there a bit.

*sigh*

I am always grateful for you guys reading, listening, relating, sharing and respecting my journey... .even when it is ugly... .even when I am sick of hearing MYSELF!

I hope I can pay it forward, I hope to be helpful in my journeys to others as well.

[Reecer1588]

Sunflower, this is not insignificant. You are right that sometimes when we hear about others losing loved ones that it does put some things into perspective, and that is a good thing.

But do not think that this is not important. It is important. Your feelings ARE important. Your pain is real.

All of us here, myself absolutely included, have either been through, or continue to go through, absolutely real pain.

Writing on here is something that is definitely therapeutic for me. Sometimes I for sure abuse that  


Listen, just know you are not alone. And do not minimize how real this pain is.


Cause you want to know what I am absolutely sick of? I am sick and tired of my ex's feelings being more important than mine. I am sick and tired of everything she does being more important than what I do. If she doesn't want to provide the respect, love, and affection, on even a fraction of a level I give her, than she DOES NOT get to have priority over my feelings. My feelings matter, too. My thoughts matter, too. My voice deserves to be heard, too. Tired of her always going silent, cold, distant and aloof every time I want my voice heard.


And you know what sunflower? Everything I just said. You deserve that too. You deserve to have your voice heard. Your feelings are just as important as your ex's. Remember that.


Hope you have a better day tomorrow


Reece

[downwhim]

"I have been faking to myself that someone was there, would be there for me always.  Hoping that he would be to me, who I modeled to him, who a partner should be ... .for him, for US.  I put up with so much s**t and abuse from his ex because I thought that he would be equally devoted to US!"

I felt exactly the same way. I wrote him an email before the b/u asking why we couldn't focus on US and that being a team was important. His ex undermined it all. She was jealous of the engagement. His two teenagers told my ex not to marry me and that they wanted to move in with him. They also told him that "mom is taking your name back." She had been remarried and divorced again.

Sunfl0wer,

I feel your pain. I am so sorry your going through this.What I have learned here is that this is a process and feeling the pain and grief is important rather than keeping it inside.

You have so much support on this board from those offering compassion and great advice. My advice? Buy yourself some flowers tomorrow maybe even sunflowers  

[Nevergiveuponhope]

I expected to be doing better... .I have PTSD(from earlier childhood), and my depression right now has me in a state of numb paralysis.  It is hard to think.  Hard to know how to get to work. I feel like I am far removed and moving in slow motion. 

I really don't know what the hell i'm going through just now... but your description hits home to me ... a state of numb paralysis... moving in slow motion... !

How do you grieve when you cannot accept discard? and are still so very much in love with this person?

I'm breaking down throughout the day... have no motivation for anything... its like life has been cruelly taken from me.

[Sunfl0wer]

Cause you want to know what I am absolutely sick of? I am sick and tired of my ex's feelings being more important than mine. I am sick and tired of everything she does being more important than what I do. If she doesn't want to provide the respect, love, and affection, on even a fraction of a level I give her, than she DOES NOT get to have priority over my feelings. My feelings matter, too. My thoughts matter, too. My voice deserves to be heard, too. Tired of her always going silent, cold, distant and aloof every time I want my voice heard.

Thank you for listening!  We all deserve to be heard!  I hear ya Reece! 

"I have been faking to myself that someone was there, would be there for me always.  Hoping that he would be to me, who I modeled to him, who a partner should be ... .for him, for US.  I put up with so much s**t and abuse from his ex because I thought that he would be equally devoted to US!"

I felt exactly the same way. I wrote him an email before the b/u asking why we couldn't focus on US and that being a team was important. His ex undermined it all. She was jealous of the engagement. His two teenagers told my ex not to marry me and that they wanted to move in with him. They also told him that "mom is taking your name back." She had been remarried and divorced again.

Sunfl0wer,

I feel your pain. I am so sorry your going through this.What I have learned here is that this is a process and feeling the pain and grief is important rather than keeping it inside.

You have so much support on this board from those offering compassion and great advice. My advice? Buy yourself some flowers tomorrow maybe even sunflowers 

Hey, downwhim,  You nailed one of the things that bothers me the most, maybe two things.  All I wanted was a partner, like you say, "US" however, he was not capable of this concept.

  I felt so pained as I feel that he literally left me for the immature, emotional incestuous love that he has for his D vs growing to learn what adult love is.  He couldn't cope with adult love and fled to the safety of his D instead to escape facing expectations.  How unbearable it must have felt to actually know that his teenagers were interfering and controlling things and being hurtful!

I expected to be doing better... .I have PTSD(from earlier childhood), and my depression right now has me in a state of numb paralysis.  It is hard to think.  Hard to know how to get to work. I feel like I am far removed and moving in slow motion. 


I really don't know what the hell i'm going through just now... but your description hits home to me ... a state of numb paralysis... moving in slow motion... !

How do you grieve when you cannot accept discard? and are still so very much in love with this person?

I'm breaking down throughout the day... have no motivation for anything... its like life has been cruelly taken from me.

I'm sorry that you are in pain! This is feeling like a very safe and supportive place, unlike our relationships. 

It feels terrible now.  It will not feel that way always.  I am still searching and learning, however, I suspect that there is a different type of attachment and grief that we go through in these BPD dynamic r/s.

Trying to make it through the day, normal routine, being gentle on myself when I am making mistakes all over the place and just keep on "swimming" or taking baby steps... .is all helping.

What was making it worse was allowing myself to isolate out of needed responsibilities.  I do not have the emotional stamina right now.  I am probably taking 4xs as long to get anything done, and am very forgetful at it.  But just doing my day is helping me greatly. 

Also, I read a post here tonight on c PTSD and the types, I see that I am the worse type, , not surprised.  I have a tendency to freeze.  So knowing this, I see how much more important it is to keep moving.

Keep reading, keep posting, let us know how you are doing!

[hoaianhcameron]

I expected to be doing better.  I was doing well.  He left Saturday, he still has some things to pick up.  :)epression just sort of came up from behind me and knocked me over.

I have PTSD(from earlier childhood), and my depression right now has me in a state of numb paralysis.  It is hard to think.  Hard to know how to get to work. I feel like I am far removed and moving in slow motion.  

I keep telling myself, "just keep swimming swimming, swimming."

*sigh*

I am grateful for you guys explaining that feelings may come in dribs and drabs, not necessarily constant, as I was a bit wary that I felt to be coping too well.

So now, any ideas?

I'm thinking... .

Exercises

One foot in front of he other

Something nurturing

Allow the feelings... .but then turn to functioning.

Ugh!  I want to call in sick but can't, and haven't got to work.

Hi Sunflower,

I'm so sorry that the pain is so enormous that it numbs you completely... .but DO NOT LET IT DEFEAT YOU, DO NOT SURRENDER TO IT!

I remember the time i found out everything, i was exactly the same, crying, asking him why then numbing and felt like not doing anything, neither for my day routine or my life... then i realized i was in danger and turned on my surviving mode. I didn't have many friends since i came to Japan because of the overloaded work, my friends and family were to far so i rushed to a therapist and that was the best decision of my life... .she has helped me get through my grieving stage, talked me out of my messy mind, know that it will get better, provide me strategies for better sleep, eating and socialization etc. Then i gradually made friends and they were very helpful knowing my story... .making sure i was not out of my mind, not staying alone too much, getting out of my shell, going out socialize, dancing all negative thoughts out... .HARD!

For the recent 4 months of b/u, i found myself again, but much better! Getting a purpose in life, doing what i love to do, finding new hobbies, dressing myself up all the time-no matter what... .

Even though it's OK to stay alone sometimes but do force yourself doing what you have always been doing like going to work, seeing friends... .No one can advise you but do what you always like to do... .either exercise, decorating the house, visit museum, dance... .I know it's DEAD HARD right now but you will thank yourself in the future At the end, you cannot stop being who you are because you're in fear right?

I have read somewhere: Fear, isolation, aloneness are just illusions your mind creates to bury a terrifying truth that: underneath them all, YOU ARE FINE! Everything happened exactly as the way it's supposed to be and that's all you need to grow and have a beautiful life in the future!

[DDMoo2013]

The above is also about reminding ourselves of all of the things that we did to try and make their lives more comfortable and how, in the end, that it wasn't really reciprocal. I did so many small things for her, on a daily basis, but whenever I asked for anything I usually got a hem and a haw. 

You need to force all of the things that you knew weren't right, about the way he treated you, to the surface. Focus on those and not the person that we really ended up dreaming that we had. I am the first to admit to my own failings, because I had many, but ultimately I know that I bent over backwards, with all of the means that I had, to make her life better. I couldn't buy her a yacht or a monster diamond ring, but I pulled her out of a coke fueled existence, gave her a bed to sleep in after she was kicked out of her apartment, housed and almost single handedly cared for her dogs, whom I loved and so so much more. I am sure you did the same. What did we get in return? Being painted black? betrayal? Criticism? Anger? Impatience? Hypocrisy?Heartache? I could go on and on.

This resonates with me also, giving so much and receiving little or nothing in return, then the criticisms of your human failings that were magnified into something monstrous... .but still focussing on the dream of the person we thought we had... .because it was the only thing we felt we had left... .and then they are gone... .it's nuts!

[Sunfl0wer]

I have read somewhere: Fear, isolation, aloneness are just illusions your mind creates to bury a terrifying truth that: underneath them all, YOU ARE FINE! Everything happened exactly as the way it's supposed to be and that's all you need to grow and have a beautiful life in the future!

Interesting thoughts here, thanks. I do a lot of readings of Buddhism and this seems in line with that.   

I'm starting to make some sense of my pain.  This "making sense" is slowly lifting my numbness. 

I can feel that a lot of my pain and grief actually has very little to do with him.  I am beginning to grasp on an emotional level some concepts I have been reading about around here that I was really only processing on an intellectual level.  This process I am experiencing is making better sense to me.

Much of my pain and grieve is not about him at all.  It is about me.  It is about me missing out on the love and connection that I have longed for my whole life.  The reason this loss feels so great is because I had believed that I found what I have been subconsciously looking for all my life AND actually found something even better.  I felt like I deserved this "special" love and that is why I had to wait so long for it.

I am starting to understand that I will fluctuate and focus on HIM, and that will help me process part of this, however, the times that I am able to switch focus onto ME will be the times that I truly grow a bit more from this experience.

It is ME that got neglected throughout the past 5 years.  There is a reason for that, and the answer lies within ME, not him.

[HappyNihilist]

Much of my pain and grieve is not about him at all.  It is about me.  It is about me missing out on the love and connection that I have longed for my whole life.  The reason this loss feels so great is because I had believed that I found what I have been subconsciously looking for all my life AND actually found something even better.  I felt like I deserved this "special" love and that is why I had to wait so long for it.

 Oh, Sunfl0wer, I know what you mean. This really touched me.

You are coming to some amazing realizations here for yourself. I know it's painful and difficult, but you're doing great work. 

I am starting to understand that I will fluctuate and focus on HIM, and that will help me process part of this, however, the times that I am able to switch focus onto ME will be the times that I truly grow a bit more from this experience.

It is ME that got neglected throughout the past 5 years.  There is a reason for that, and the answer lies within ME, not him.

   

It's human nature to want to avoid pain. We humans use many distractions to keep us from living with our own pain - focusing attention on the other person (caregiver and rescuer types especially tend towards this); numbing with alcohol/drugs; hooking up with other people right after a breakup; pushing down the pain and developing defense mechanisms; so on and so on.

Pain is a part of the human existence - we can never avoid pain in our lives. Happiness does not mean avoiding pain, because that's an impossible goal. However, suffering doesn't have to be part of our existence. Suffering happens when we don't let ourselves feel and process through our pain.

You are using your pain and depression as a gateway into Yourself. You're exploring the beautiful, unique person that is You - a person who desperately deserves your attention, love, kindness, forgiveness, and compassion.

This is not an easy journey, but it is the most worthwhile journey you can ever take.