Cheating again...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

after 9 months relationship, dBPDbf 22 cheated me again with a 16 years old highschool girl. its his 6. times... .He tried to suicide then i forgive him before... .

i just wanted to say, I'm in a great depression and trying to hide from my family and friends. Because i have separation anxiety and PTSD, they just dont understand me. I cant afford a psychiatrist.

i am going to miss him. i felt miserable with him but still i will miss him. thats stupid. i want to cure this canser. he is cancer

[ilmatar]

after 9 months relationship, dBPDbf 22 cheated me again with a 16 years old highschool girl. its his 6. times... .He tried to suicide then i forgive him before... .

i just wanted to say, I'm in a great depression and trying to hide from my family and friends. Because i have separation anxiety and PTSD, they just dont understand me. I cant afford a psychiatrist.

i am going to miss him. i felt miserable with him but still i will miss him. thats stupid. i want to cure this canser. he is cancer

[LonelyChild]

after 9 months relationship, dBPDbf 22 cheated me again with a 16 years old highschool girl. its his 6. times... .He tried to suicide then i forgive him before... .

i just wanted to say, I'm in a great depression and trying to hide from my family and friends. Because i have separation anxiety and PTSD, they just dont understand me. I cant afford a psychiatrist.

i am going to miss him. i felt miserable with him but still i will miss him. thats stupid. i want to cure this canser. he is cancer

Cure your own cancer and get rid of him.

[JohnLove]

Hello ilmatar, that is a bit tragic. 6 times is about 6 times too many. Forgiveness is for yourself. A pwBPD will often only see that as enabling.

I'm sorry to hear these events have bought on depression but that is not unexpected. Your family and friends are your support and should help you to feel some balance... .the problem is they may not understand but they should know what's good for you. You don't have to specifically engage them on this difficult time but they should still be there for you and lift your spirits.

Your feelings aren't stupid. BPD is a terrible paradox and it is no surprise that you are feeling conflicted emotions. With your conditions your dBPDbf may not have been the best relationship choice for you but you are growing and personal growth can be painful... .but necessary.

Things will get better. You will feel better. You will get better... .

[zeus123]

if your BPD partner cheated on you and left you with someone else he has giving you a favor! trust me! you will be much happier in the future living without this cancer in your life. because i agree with you BPD's are cancer in our lives.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I have been cheated on many times and I know how it feels.

Take this as an opportunity for you. Don't take him back. You are better off without him because he will never stop cheating. You deserve so much better than this. Be kind to yourself, grieve, set boundaries and move on.

[Mike-X]

Sorry. Have you read the any of the lessons on this site? How familiar have you become with BPD? Suicidal talk and threats can be unsettling, to say the least. Are you familiar with FOG and emotional blackmail?

You might want to be concerned about isolation and not having a support group. People here are certainly willing to help. But can you elaborate on your situation with your friends and family?

[lookingahead12]

To me, the endless cheating is the final deal breaker. I'm over a year out of a long marriage, where my BPDex-W preached her fidelity whilst always suspecting me. I believed and trusted her all the time. I saw all other the BPD characteristics clearly, but always thought "no, she wouldn't cheat".

Now the FOG has lifted, I see how gullible I was. In fact she cheated on me often. Tolerating emotional abuse and volatility is one thing, but not constant infidelity. They will never ever change. The only way is out... .we all deserve better.

[ilmatar]

thank you. thank all of you. and sorry for my english, its really hard to wite this things when thinking in all way different language. thoughts are so fast in my mind.

Mike-X, yes. I am familier with this things, FOG and emotional blackmail. And my family and my friends doesnt understand me. They think BPD is not a disease, they cant believe he is sick. They dont believe I am sick. Third world country... .

this time i felt different. i asked him if he loves me, and he said yes. he said, i love you and i love you more than anything but i think i love her too. and this 16 years old girl accept him like that. she knows about me. he said this is different because they are in a relationship now. he said it wasnt like others (5 times cheated with different girls) he and his new highschool girl are together like more than a month

it hurts... .

[Mike-X]

And my family and my friends doesnt understand me. They think BPD is not a disease, they cant believe he is sick. They dont believe I am sick. Third world country... .

It ok that they don't think that BPD is a disease, although I understand that that comes across as invalidating when you are trying to explain all of the craziness that you have had to put up with. It is good that you told them about your experience and BPD. Are they supportive in other ways? My concern is about you feeling isolated? Do you feel isolated in dealing with this?

[ilmatar]

yes. i am always at home. we stayed in my home together like 5 months and his furnitures and some stuff are here to. my closest friends are in different cities. i dont have any true friend where i live in. i feel miserable. i am already missing him... .thats pity

[Mike-X]

yes. i am always at home. we stayed in my home together like 5 months and his furnitures and some stuff are here to. my closest friends are in different cities. i dont have any true friend where i live in. i feel miserable. i am already missing him... .thats pity

I am sorry. Is he still living in the house, too?

[ilmatar]

I am sorry. Is he still living in the house, too?

no. he tried to cheated on me a few months ago and we break up. he left the college and moved with his family in a different city for treatment. before the day he is gone, he used FOG on me and I couldnt resist. He made so many promises as always. But as you see, he chated on me again a month later -with a 16 years old and she knows about me, haha-

but there is so much memories and furnitures, some little stuff belongs to him are here. its like we built this home together. i was never alone in this house. its our home not mine. my heart crushes. its like someone squeeze my heart and i feel nausea.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry. Is he still living in the house, too?

no. he tried to cheated on me a few months ago and we break up. he left the college and moved with his family in a different city for treatment. before the day he is gone, he used FOG on me and I couldnt resist. He made so many promises as always. But as you see, he chated on me again a month later -with a 16 years old and she knows about me, haha-

but there is so much memories and furnitures, some little stuff belongs to him are here. its like we built this home together. i was never alone in this house. its our home not mine. my heart crushes. its like someone squeeze my heart and i feel nausea.

The broken heart and sense of loss are understandable following any breakup. Have you had a chance to read any of the lessons on this website? Are you going no-contact?

[LonelyChild]

I am sorry. Is he still living in the house, too?

no. he tried to cheated on me a few months ago and we break up. he left the college and moved with his family in a different city for treatment. before the day he is gone, he used FOG on me and I couldnt resist. He made so many promises as always. But as you see, he chated on me again a month later -with a 16 years old and she knows about me, haha-

but there is so much memories and furnitures, some little stuff belongs to him are here. its like we built this home together. i was never alone in this house. its our home not mine. my heart crushes. its like someone squeeze my heart and i feel nausea.

The broken heart and sense of loss are understandable following any breakup. Have you had a chance to read any of the lessons on this website? Are you going no-contact?

I don't agree with this. A broken heart is a result of betrayal, not breakup. A normal, healthy way to break up (where both parties agree they are no longer quote compatible) is to detach with love and validate each other's feelings. "I'm sorry things didn't work out, you're a great person though, but we have so different goals now that we should work on them on our own."

[ilmatar]

The broken heart and sense of loss are understandable following any breakup. Have you had a chance to read any of the lessons on this website? Are you going no-contact?

i am trying. i looked for the lessons, actually i am always looking at them but my schemas are too strong for cognitive behavioral therapy lessons. i cant help myself. i've tried. i am still trying.

it seems my undiagnosed borderline father , who died (heart attack) at 2006 in front of my eyes when i was 11, and my dBPDbf have my life/mind-shaped. i think my little brother will have this condition too. future seems dark. i was never this close to suicide. i wouldnt do that. i wont do that. but i have any expectation from future. i dont want to do anything with my life. i dont want to live anymore.

[ilmatar]

I don't agree with this. A broken heart is a result of betrayal, not breakup. A normal, healthy way to break up (where both parties agree they are no longer quote compatible) is to detach with love and validate each other's feelings. "I'm sorry things didn't work out, you're a great person though, but we have so different goals now that we should work on them on our own."

i think i couldnt do this healty way to break-up either. separation anxiety catch me like that too.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry. Is he still living in the house, too?

no. he tried to cheated on me a few months ago and we break up. he left the college and moved with his family in a different city for treatment. before the day he is gone, he used FOG on me and I couldnt resist. He made so many promises as always. But as you see, he chated on me again a month later -with a 16 years old and she knows about me, haha-

but there is so much memories and furnitures, some little stuff belongs to him are here. its like we built this home together. i was never alone in this house. its our home not mine. my heart crushes. its like someone squeeze my heart and i feel nausea.

The broken heart and sense of loss are understandable following any breakup. Have you had a chance to read any of the lessons on this website? Are you going no-contact?

I don't agree with this. A broken heart is a result of betrayal, not breakup. A normal, healthy way to break up (where both parties agree they are no longer quote compatible) is to detach with love and validate each other's feelings. "I'm sorry things didn't work out, you're a great person though, but we have so different goals now that we should work on them on our own."

I am sorry that you feel betrayed in your breakup, but I am having trouble recalling times where I have been through what you are describing here. I have never broken up with anyone or had anyone breakup with me where we showed great concern about detaching with love and validation of each other's feelings. I have dated a lot of people, and I just can't think of a single time where this has happened.  I can't think of a single time where this has happened for any of my friends who have been through breakups and divorces either. So I am really at a loss for what such experiences might be like. I have told people that the relationship wasn't working out for me for one reason or another, but they seemed to be heart broken after I said that I wanted to end things. I also have experienced what I felt was heart break when someone ended a longer term relationship with me that I wasn't ready to end. Maybe I have never been through a breakup where both parties mutually agree that they are no longer compatible. Usually one party has been interested in continuing the relationship. Of course, I haven't been through the gaslighting, guilt-tripping, devaluing, raging, anger, criticisms, and false-accusations that I endured though this breakup with my udxGF either, and these things, my memories of some really fantastic times and dreams that we had, my missing the closeness that we had, my missing the family and life that I thought we were building, and my concerns about her mental health have made this breakup exceptionally hard.

Could you help me to understand by describing an experience that you have had where someone broke up with you and you didn't feel loss or hurt over the relationship ending?

[Mike-X]

The broken heart and sense of loss are understandable following any breakup. Have you had a chance to read any of the lessons on this website? Are you going no-contact?

i am trying. i looked for the lessons, actually i am always looking at them but my schemas are too strong for cognitive behavioral therapy lessons. i cant help myself. i've tried. i am still trying.

it seems my undiagnosed borderline father , who died (heart attack) at 2006 in front of my eyes when i was 11, and my dBPDbf have my life/mind-shaped. i think my little brother will have this condition too. future seems dark. i was never this close to suicide. i wouldnt do that. i wont do that. but i have any expectation from future. i dont want to do anything with my life. i dont want to live anymore.

You are 20, correct? Can you tell me about your life before this guy? Did you say you are going to school, and if so, what are you studying? What are your passions outside of this relationship?

I am focusing on work [lots of time at work and no one questioning why I am getting home late ], learning to play guitar, working on my house, trying to get into doing some more artistic stuff [drawing, photography, etc.], and I spend quality time with my son. I try to take a photograph everyday now of something that catches my eye. Before getting out of bed, I take 5 slow deep breaths [inhaling for 5 seconds and exhaling slowly], forgive myself out loud for at least one thing, think about one thing that makes me laugh [ifunny is a good source], and set a tentative agenda, just two to three things that I hope to accomplish during the day. I have also started exercising a little each day. Of course, I also have my periods of missing her, wondering what she is up to, being angry about her leaving, being angry about her disorder, periods of sadness, etc.

By the way, I got choked up when I read about your father dying in your arms. It seems that you have survived a lot, far worse than breaking up with a guy with BPD who you know that you really don't need in your life, right? You seem to have endured a lot of mental abuse in your relationship with him, but you survived. You seem to be a strong survivor. What do you think that you can do to start lifting the FOG?

Have you read about engulfment in relationships?

[Suzn]

I'm sorry to hear you are in such pain ilmater. Breakups are hard. 

i was never alone in this house.

I can see how being alone for the first time in your home would be difficult for you. How are you doing with this?

[ilmatar]

You are 20, correct? Can you tell me about your life before this guy? Did you say you are going to school, and if so, what are you studying? What are your passions outside of this relationship?

I am focusing on work [lots of time at work and no one questioning why I am getting home late ], learning to play guitar, working on my house, trying to get into doing some more artistic stuff [drawing, photography, etc.], and I spend quality time with my son. I try to take a photograph everyday now of something that catches my eye. Before getting out of bed, I take 5 slow deep breaths [inhaling for 5 seconds and exhaling slowly], forgive myself out loud for at least one thing, think about one thing that makes me laugh [ifunny is a good source], and set a tentative agenda, just two to three things that I hope to accomplish during the day. I have also started exercising a little each day. Of course, I also have my periods of missing her, wondering what she is up to, being angry about her leaving, being angry about her disorder, periods of sadness, etc.

By the way, I got choked up when I read about your father dying in your arms. It seems that you have survived a lot, far worse than breaking up with a guy with BPD who you know that you really don't need in your life, right? You seem to have endured a lot of mental abuse in your relationship with him, but you survived. You seem to be a strong survivor. What do you think that you can do to start lifting the FOG?

Have you read about engulfment in relationships?

i am studying radio,tv and cinema. basically, media. now, even my major gives me pain. knowing how media using people, learning how to manipulating people gives me pain. after death of my aunt from pancreas canser (she was like mother to me, my child-mother bonding is with her, not my real mom), i got into apatic period for 2 years. i couldnt be happy but i couldnt be sad too. just endless emptiness.  i choose my major when i was apatic. i have a great speaking voice and i look strond stand (inside, i am not even close), with my major i could use these. i was enjoying compliments. but now, after i am no longer an apatic person, manipulating people gives me pain. even our lessons make me feel sad. espectually in my country. if i would try to do my job with moral, goverment can put me in jail. so i will try to be part of cinema section, but in our school media is further than that.

death of my farther was some kind of salvation for me. he abused me a lot, "as joking" he was trying to touch my breast or my female part. he kept saying he rescued his sister (my kinda mother) from lots of situation, they both live a lot of bad things, noone helped them. he was always crying with me or blame me for loving my real mother. for him, my mother was selfish, doesnt love anyone except her mother and brothers. he threats us with murder lots of the times. but of course, he was an angel time to time. i wasnt understand my father back then. but now, i know. BPD and I met before my boyfriend. when i was searching, something push me to read when parents have BPD parts. and yes, its there. i read my father. for the first time, i could understand why he is acting like this. i understand why he takes diazem, cipram and xanax pills like candies. and for the first time i understand my mother. for he first time i like her too. i understand how she loves me when i am 21. its pretty sad.

and i feel like i owe to my boyfriend about understanding my family. he helped me with this things. we talked a lot. he cared about me, he cared about my little brother. i am so sory to lost this. i feel like he helped me but i couldnt help him. i dont think anyone can understand my past like him. because he is like my father, he know how he thinks, he understand why he acted like that. he explained me a lot. i am not angry anymore to my father because of him.

i am sorry, this is very long and writed very crappy english.

[ilmatar]

I can see how being alone for the first time in your home would be difficult for you. How are you doing with this?

not very good. i have to clean my house but i dont want to. i dont want to do anything

[newlifeBPDfree]

I can see how being alone for the first time in your home would be difficult for you. How are you doing with this?

not very good. i have to clean my house but i dont want to. i dont want to do anything

I'm sorry you are going through this. I felt the same way at some point. I spent 10 years of my marriage trying to make my husband happy and never spent any time maintaining relationships with friends. When we split up i felt very alone and did not know what to do. What saved me and helped me go through this was a group of women going thought divorce as well I meet through Meetup.com. I would meet with them and talk about anything that bugs me and I knew I had someone who understood and did not judge me. I would strongly recommend finding a support group, therapist to talk to or try to go out and make friends. It gets better!

[Haye]

Ilmatar, if you wish, you could PM me?  I think we probably have the same native language, from your online nick :D (joten suomeksi toimii).

I don't have much help to give though, but it really is a lot more difficult to deal with difficult stuff in a language one has learnt in school. 

[ilmatar]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I felt the same way at some point. I spent 10 years of my marriage trying to make my husband happy and never spent any time maintaining relationships with friends. When we split up i felt very alone and did not know what to do. What saved me and helped me go through this was a group of women going thought divorce as well I meet through Meetup.com. I would meet with them and talk about anything that bugs me and I knew I had someone who understood and did not judge me. I would strongly recommend finding a support group, therapist to talk to or try to go out and make friends. It gets better!

thank you, newlifeBPDfree. i am really trying for this.

Ilmatar, if you wish, you could PM me?  I think we probably have the same native language, from your online nick :D (joten suomeksi toimii).

I don't have much help to give though, but it really is a lot more difficult to deal with difficult stuff in a language one has learnt in school. 

Haye, no I am not Finnish I just love mythology and Kalevala is not very known, so i can use that nickname like everywhere I live in Turkey. But thank you

[maxen]

hi ilmatar    i've read through your thread and i'm so so sorry for what you're going through. others above have posted about their sense of abandonment, and i felt that too: by the end of my marriage (my wife was deceitful) i had few friends and within the year my mum died. it was very frightening also as i wasn't used to reaching out to people. thank heavens for this place and a few other resources, honestly i more or less lived here for a few months. i began to feel re-connected. please remember that time passes and your feelings will develop. that you've reached out is the best sign. please keep posting!

how are you feeling today?

[Mike-X]

I can see how being alone for the first time in your home would be difficult for you. How are you doing with this?

not very good. i have to clean my house but i dont want to. i dont want to do anything

My house was a mess for a while after my udxGF moved out. Eventually, I just started cleaning a little at a time.

[Mike-X]

i am studying radio,tv and cinema. basically, media. now, even my major gives me pain. knowing how media using people, learning how to manipulating people gives me pain. after death of my aunt from pancreas canser (she was like mother to me, my child-mother bonding is with her, not my real mom), i got into apatic period for 2 years. i couldnt be happy but i couldnt be sad too. just endless emptiness.  i choose my major when i was apatic. i have a great speaking voice and i look strond stand (inside, i am not even close), with my major i could use these. i was enjoying compliments. but now, after i am no longer an apatic person, manipulating people gives me pain. even our lessons make me feel sad. espectually in my country. if i would try to do my job with moral, goverment can put me in jail. so i will try to be part of cinema section, but in our school media is further than that.

death of my farther was some kind of salvation for me. he abused me a lot, "as joking" he was trying to touch my breast or my female part. he kept saying he rescued his sister (my kinda mother) from lots of situation, they both live a lot of bad things, noone helped them. he was always crying with me or blame me for loving my real mother. for him, my mother was selfish, doesnt love anyone except her mother and brothers. he threats us with murder lots of the times. but of course, he was an angel time to time. i wasnt understand my father back then. but now, i know. BPD and I met before my boyfriend. when i was searching, something push me to read when parents have BPD parts. and yes, its there. i read my father. for the first time, i could understand why he is acting like this. i understand why he takes diazem, cipram and xanax pills like candies. and for the first time i understand my mother. for he first time i like her too. i understand how she loves me when i am 21. its pretty sad.

and i feel like i owe to my boyfriend about understanding my family. he helped me with this things. we talked a lot. he cared about me, he cared about my little brother. i am so sory to lost this. i feel like he helped me but i couldnt help him. i dont think anyone can understand my past like him. because he is like my father, he know how he thinks, he understand why he acted like that. he explained me a lot. i am not angry anymore to my father because of him.

i am sorry, this is very long and writed very crappy english.

Have you studied anything about psychology of cinema? With a great speaking voice and the presence that conveys strength, are you interested in being in front of the camera - either acting or as a reporter?

Like you, my search to understand BPD has really helped me to better understand the actions of so many people in my life - family and friends. I feel like I have become a more compassionate person.

I think that I understand feeling like you owe your boyfriend. I have times where I feel like I owe my udxGF too. I her thanks and gratitude. I appreciate the times that we have had together, and I am grateful that I have learned so much about myself from our relationship.

When I put the pieces together that suggested that she had BPD, I thought that I was going to be the guy to help her. However, it is a complex disorder. I have had to accept that I am not trained to help her, and even if I were, she would have to commit to receiving the help. I have read where many therapists refuse to work with people with BPD because of compliance and other issues.

Have you read these:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

- Did you experience any of this?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

- Do you see points where you might be "stuck"?

[ilmatar]

Have you studied anything about psychology of cinema? With a great speaking voice and the presence that conveys strength, are you interested in being in front of the camera - either acting or as a reporter?

Like you, my search to understand BPD has really helped me to better understand the actions of so many people in my life - family and friends. I feel like I have become a more compassionate person.

I think that I understand feeling like you owe your boyfriend. I have times where I feel like I owe my udxGF too. I her thanks and gratitude. I appreciate the times that we have had together, and I am grateful that I have learned so much about myself from our relationship.

When I put the pieces together that suggested that she had BPD, I thought that I was going to be the guy to help her. However, it is a complex disorder. I have had to accept that I am not trained to help her, and even if I were, she would have to commit to receiving the help. I have read where many therapists refuse to work with people with BPD because of compliance and other issues.

Have you read these:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

- Did you experience any of this?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

- Do you see points where you might be "stuck"?

I am generally in front of the camera. I dont have any interest using that tecnical things. But I dont feel like I can act. I was interested with it a few years ago and I dont think I can say shut up to my own character and create new one. And as a reporter, you know what is really going on but you dont have a real chance to say it out loud. If you do that, our goverment will catch you or basically you can be a unemployed.

Yes, I read them before. I experienced all of them. There is no logic that I can still miss him. Maybe because he is my first boyfriend. I never let someone to get close to me before cause of my trust issues. It's funny how he can gain my trust he was in the seducer phrase. Last night I saw an another girl that he cheated on me. The girl doesnt know anything and I didnt say anything. That was hard to stand near to her. I have nausea since than. I cant stop thinking.

[Mike-X]

using that tecnical things. But I dont feel like I can act. I was interested with it a few years ago and I dont think I can say shut up to my own character and create new one. And as a reporter, you know what is really going on but you dont have a real chance to say it out loud. If you do that, our goverment will catch you or basically you can be a unemployed.

Yes, I read them before. I experienced all of them. There is no logic that I can still miss him. Maybe because he is my first boyfriend. I never let someone to get close to me before cause of my trust issues. It's funny how he can gain my trust he was in the seducer phrase. Last night I saw an another girl that he cheated on me. The girl doesnt know anything and I didnt say anything. That was hard to stand near to her. I have nausea since than. I cant stop thinking.

The government has influence here, the FCC, & news agencies themselves influence what is reported in the US too. There is also profit, what keeps viewers tuned in to sell advertisement time. In many jobs, you have to learn to work within the system.

I often feel a disconnect between my head and heart. Intellectually, I know that I tolerated things that I shouldn't have and that the relationship was dysfunctional and unhealthy for me due to her BPD, but emotionally, I miss her and would love to get back to the good times. Intellectually, I also think that this is a good time for growth for me, and I need to be alone to grow. I learned through the relationship that I have my own validation needs that I need to deal with and resolve. So I figure this is 'me' time. Plus, I have a ton of stuff that I set aside during the relationship, particularly as the deregulation worsened toward the end, that I need to get done. But even with these thoughts, there are times where I miss her and I am sad about the loss. Usually, if I just consciously allow myself to accept that it is ok to feel bad about the loss, then it passes.Sometimes it takes longer.

My therapist told me that I need to work on loving myself unconditionally. I got choked when she said that. Have you thought about that,  unconditional love for yourself?