Online Reputation, Independent Review

[daydreambeliever]

Great thread, very objective. Makes for interesting reading.

I personally, have found that I have a greater understanding of the disorder, when I read and researched academic, peer reviewed articles, and also when reading psychiatrist books of case studies. For the reason being, that they are writing purely from a clinical perspective, not as  a Non from a  r/s with a BPD, or as a recovered BPD, or a non recovered BPD... .just facts of what is. The variability of cases,and what worked, were those people really 'ok'  after and recovered?- improved, more functional yes, recovered- implying no lapses no disorder... .no. In those books part of what I like, there is often the BPD perspective, saying their story before/during/after and the psychiatrist perspective interpreting and being objective.

I do think the word recovered can be a little loaded in regards to personality disorders, thats just my opinion though.

Anyway but thats what helped me with truly understanding the sickness/illness aspect of the psych of BPD, just focusing on clinical perspectives, that way I could see it as that an illness when reading it and not enter myself into the equation of being the hard done by upset non.

I haven't read as much regarding the non perspective (I haven't found any clinical perspectives on 'nons'  and I started to feel 'stuck' with all the emotive knowledge there was on it, (those books seemed to be emotive based in knowledge which to me is questionable as to whether it can be universally applied or even fact), that I had chosen someone 'sick' bc I was 'sick'... .that part was true, no doubt about it, but I feel the best route to exploring the avenue of my own inner psyche, and redirecting myself, is therapy. Sometimes we can get a little bogged down in the 'why' and 'how did I get here', and forget to focus on the 'how to recover'.

Anyway as a few of you have wisely said, gage your reading radar based on the writers credentials, and be aware of what you are looking for... .hope/knowledge/biography/facts/opinions and read accordingly.    

[Clarabelle]

I would advise caution with the 'Love Addicts Anonymous' group (the owner, Susan Peabody, has been dioagnosed with BPD so there is a strong association). The name makes it sound like an organization in line with AA, Al-Anon, etc. but it's not a group-run or Anonymous organization. There one person who is the leader who is very open about her own BPD, sells a book about Love Addiction that is the official book of 'Love Addicts Anonymous' which is not to be confused with SLAA and doesn't actually use the 12 Traditions, and owns the site domain.

There are a few additional self-created Love Addict 'experts' (non-professional) individuals selected by the owner who moderate the site as well as be cheerleaders and also provide 'tough love' -- unasked for advice, opinions and judgment. It can come across as a form of bullying demonstrating a lack of understanding about what respectful boundaries are (ask what someone is going through or what their motivations are, don't tell them), what recovery practice means (you don't 'do' the steps once and that's it, and having a sponsor to help keep your recovery honest and accountable is for everyone -- not just beginners), nor do they hold themselves accountable to objective standards, therapeutic rules, 12 step organizations or authority other than their own judgement and definition of recovery. Ironically given these dynamics, it is in many ways a mirror of the family dynamics that create a 'love addict'.

The threads I read frequently have notes from members saying their posts were arbitrarily removed without explanation and I began to note many of my favorite posters both complained about being deleted a few times and hadn't posted in a very long time. One woman I admired wrote privately to let me know she had been kicked off the board and was saying good-bye, I was mystified at the reason they provided her.

A lot of great intention and information, but at the mercy of the judgment of a few individuals who don't have professional credentials and have unchecked authority on the site. There doesn't seem to be a concern about presenting as an 'Anonymous' group and official site without following it's Traditions. You might want to be cautious about use and interaction for recovery if that is part of your journey.  

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Any thoughts on "Malignant self love" by Sam Vaknin


My understanding is he was diagnosed NPD.

Not sure if this is a reliable source?

Any one familiar with the author or his work.

[blackandwhite]

He's a controversial figure, as you've probably seen. I would suggest watching I, Psychopath, a documentary about him, prior to reading his stuff. I saw it online--here's one place you can find it: www.topdocumentaryfilms.com/i-psychopath/.

He's bizarrely fascinating and sometimes seems to have tremendous insight, but everything he does is manipulation, so you're lost in a world of funhouse mirrors when reading him (is he telling the truth, does he know the truth, is he enjoying the audience's discomfort, is he laughing all the way to the bank?).

I'd also suggest getting grounded in objective literature first as Vaknin's world is very disorienting. Personally, I can't really go there much. The NPD/AsPD thing sets off my alarm bells so strongly I need to back away.

[PDQuick]

Susan Peabody posted here as a professional member with BPD and as a non-anonymous regular member.

She posted some helpful educational topics to members but she also, at times, struggled in her interpersonal communications.  We closed her membership here and she formed her own message board.

Her book examines love addiction through the eyes of someone with BPD.  We don't list any of her books because the are self-discovery.

From her book:

If you are on a journey of self-discovery and you have determined that you did not get all of your needs met as a child, then it is time to heal. The best way to do this is with an “enlightened witness,” which is usually a therapist. But if this is not for you, or you can’t afford it, I have come up with a self-help method. It is outlined in my book Addiction to Love, and I describe the effects in my own life in my new book The Art of Changing. Basically you do the following:

1. Identify the trauma

2. Talk about the trauma with a non-judgmental person.

3. Write about what happened to you, how you feel about it, and how it affected your life.

4. Feel the feelings that have been buried for so long

5. Accept what happened to you.

6. Forgive those you hurt you or let you down.

7. Look at the bright side if there is one. (I am a healer because of my wounds)

8. Move on with your life.

This may easier said than done, but it is possible. I have done it with excellent results. One more thought, if you have done this before you may have to do it again. The wounds from our childhood are permanent and we often have to go back to the grief work described above and do it again. But each time the affects last longer.

Susan Peabody

As a member:

In my case I am responsible for my son being a BPD because I abused him, but I try to forgive myself as much as I can. I have been a good parent longer than I was a bad parent. But I am not responsible for the decisions he makes now. He has had plenty of time to work on himself. One reason I think we like to blame ourselves is that it gives us the illusion that we can control the problem. If we made it happen then we can fix it. But this is just an illusion. No matter who is responsible for the problem, the solution is up to the BPD. Most victims of a BPD are blameless, but often they have to take a hard look at how they contribute to the ongoing drama in subtle ways. I have really worked at how I communicate with my son. I had to admit that I project a lot of my feelings about his BPD dad on to him just because they are both men and look alike. I had to stop doing this. (I am not saying you contribute, I am saying that some of us do.) But blame gets us nowhere. It brings nothing to the table in terms of the solution.

[daughter05]

There's a blog forum "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" with a moderator-owner-host, Tracy Culleton,  who seems to arbitrarily eject members without explanation.  There's a fair number of web comments about her.

Complaints: www.dealingwithtoxicpeople.blogspot.com/2010/11/clear-present-danger-to-others.html

Defense: www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/accusations-against-me.html

[Eco]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJP0FUk6oWY&feature=related

Its about the female Narcissist. Its my xNPD/BPDgf to a T

also what are the opinions on this auther "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin

[Surnia]

Hi Eco

The girl in the youtube film: Yes, she mention some important points. Like many narcissists she is speaking a lot without a pause.  

And S. Vaknin? I have very strong doubts about him. I have to admit I didn't read the book. I try to look some of the videos from him but I get so bored/aggressive about his monologues. He is very present in the internet. There is a documentary film about him, that he is possibly a psychopath with narcissistic traits.

What are you looking for?

Surnia

[Eco]

Thanks surnia

What are you looking for?

My x NPD/BPDgf who Is pregnant with my baby and we have a house together Is more NPD then BPD I think so im looking for all the knowledge I can get, I wish there was a forum for NPD that was as good as this one is for BPD

[Surnia]

I was there too, Eco.

Watching all the extranormal videos about NPD... .

You know the blog from Randi Kreger? She wrote about 10 articles about BPD/NPD. Here you will find Part 1 of it.

Hope this helps a little bit. I always wished that Randi would write a book about NPD. I found it difficult with good information about NPD. Perhaps bc a lot of them never go to a T, I don't know.

Take care, eco.

Surnia

[Eco]

Thanks again surnia

I have read those and they have helped me a lot, NPD is the most difficult thing I have had to deal with it blows my mind

[Surnia]

I know, Eco. I know it. It is a very lonely way.

The books that helped me most were the books of P. Evans. "Controlling people" and the "Verbally abusive relationship". It is not specially for NPD, but from our side what we are experiencing.

Controlling helps to understand what is behind, and the other book was for me an eyeopener bc I do not realize how bad it was.

Validation helped only partly, JADE was so important but really not easy in all the projections.


Surnia

[GreenMango]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJP0FUk6oWY&feature=related

Its about the female Narcissist. Its my xNPD/BPDgf to a T

also what are the opinions on this auther "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin

Eco the site bases the healing platform on well researched and clinical information from professionals in the mental health field.  Sam Vaknin has a questionable background and is a self admitted narcissist.  

It helps that we are careful to look at who we are getting our "help" from and vet them.

Surnia's suggestion on the Patricia Evans book is a good one.  Also it may help to read the High Conflict Couple.  

High conflict people are difficult to maintain healthy relationships with.  It takes a very different set of sophisticated skills.  Hang in there.  

[Randi Kreger]

I was there too, Eco.Watching all the extranormal videos about NPD... .You know the blog from Randi Kreger? She wrote about 10 articles about BPD/NPD. Here you will find Part 1 of it.Hope this helps a little bit. I always wished that Randi would write a book about NPD. I found it difficult with good information about NPD. Perhaps bc a lot of them never go to a T, I don't know.Take care, eco.Surnia

My next book, Stop Walking on Eggshells for Partners, will be about the BP/NP. The comorbidity rate is some 35% and the hardest group to get to treatment. I believe strongly that many, many people who are acting out, invisible BP are in reality people with NPD traits. I recently did a seminar, went over the NPD traits, and asked how many people's loved one fit that description. Sure enough, about a third raised their hands.

[Genevieve]

I just found a good resource for reporting unlicensed therapists... .   "Even if the therapist is not licensed and has not used a regulated title, if the therapist performed services which fall under the jurisdiction of one of the boards, you may be able to file a complaint with the board seeking an injunction against practicing without a license. For example, in most states, diagnosing or attempting to treat illnesses are defined as "practicing medicine" and may not be done by a person who is not an M.D."

www.stopbadtherapy.com/main/boards.shtml