Been with my girlfriend of 2 years with BPD and having some trouble.

[NycNiceGuy]

Hello everyone I am new to this website but tonight I have found myself going a little crazy trying to read as much as I can about Borderline Personality Disorder. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now but have also known each other a bit longer and these BPD issues are starting to really work at my brain. I will give a short summary of the relationship in August 2012, I had met my girlfriend at a local show where a few bands we both knew were playing, she was gorgeous and I had to talk to her so I bought her a drink shortly after we exchanged numbers. She had wanted to hangout that night but I had to sober up and drive others home but eventually we kept talking and kind of never stopped, so thru text/facebook message we would go on and on night and day learning every little thing about each other. My mother was diagnosed with cancer around this time so I was in a very vunerable position and did not quite know if I was ready to start up a relationship. After a month or so we both knew we had liked each other and had even started to fool around, she was still with another guy at the time but it was not a boyfriend just someone she had been seeing. After he went insane on her she left and needed my comfort. So basically that was it for the first year we were hooking up she loved every minute of me, always happy to do what I wanted and loved doing anythingI wanted to do. For about a year... .then she had started saying how she did not enjoy a lot of the things that I thought she had. She wanted me to quit smoking, she wanted me to start at a better job, she wanted me to go back to school all while not enhancing her own personal life. I had little issue with this it felt right because she was also claiming how exciting it would be to move in together one day. Fast forward another couple of months. My mother eventually passed away from cancer and I became very attached to her, she either stayed at my house or I stayed at hers we were inseparable. We learned a lot about each other and began talking major long term plans, fast foward to that lovely month of september 2014. She had gone off her meds complaining about an issue with work, she did not want to be on them, she was sick of being on them since she was 10, etc. she went off them and me needing her I decided I will be postive and help her with whatever  choice she may make. After a few months things got very hectic she needed to see me all the time, If I didn't come by every single day she would get upset or mad, little things would tick her off, I was scared. We got into a small argument and I said I didn't know about what I wanted anymore and we did not speak for about a week. After that she came to me asking what I was doing and if I could come over. Upon going over she only wanted one thing. Make up sex. So now I was back into it figuring she loved me, got over it, or whatever. Things were okay for awhile. In November we were in a bad place, I was worried about her leaving me, she was talking to another man. This man was supposedly just a friend from school years ago (mind you I am not a jealous guy I just like honesty) However after finding out that instead of meeting at a restuarant to catch up they had went to her place and hung out all day. When I confronted her she pushed me away after another few days we hung out again and our friend had died of a drug overdose that morning. I lost it, was upset about my friend, was upset that things were un easy with her, just lost it in general. I told her I really did not want her seeing that guy, I needed her and she had to be there for me because I was losing my mind that day. She responded by being pissed I was even thinking she was unfaithful and said she wanted a break. I asked what kind and she said I want to go home. While taking her home she said nothing. In fact did not talk to me for 2 weeks. All I wanted to know was what kind of break this was. After 2 weeks she started talking to me again encouraging me hang out with her. She was making me feel better by telling me how adorable some old pictures of me were. We were back on days later we hungout and made up once again. After that she was having a really hard time with her meds, having trouble staying focused, constant headaches and migraines, stress at her house. Long story short she had stayed at my house for almost two months, until the pain in her head was enough to rush her back to the hospital after a few weeks of fighting about it. The last week before she went back to the hospital she needed me 24/7 which made me feel good but I am not sure it was the right reasons. Saying she needed to be with me, she was only happy when I was there, I was her rock/super hero that made everything okay. So then she went to the hospital and had a 2 week stay. I visited everyday which she was very happy about and she began new medication. After getting out of the hospital things got a little relaxed and weird. She wasn't trying to get into the bed as often as we used too, although she claimed that is what she could not wait for in the hospital. Valentines Day came and went nothing reallyspecial happening just her claiming to be tired and too exhausted to think about things. Now it is March 25th our anniversary has just passed and I am learning from a few of her friends that she is having second thoughts about the relationship. She  claims I crowd her too much but in reality when we hang out all she talks about is our future together and what engagement rings she likes. It is very confusing for me, and now she has began to talk to some of those guys in the previous break. I am worried I have to play it safe because I do not want to push her away. It even went so far as to ask me to leave early on the day of our anniversary. So I would like a little help/insight as to what to do. I love this girl with all my heart and I am willing to make it work if she is too, but I am also new to the whole BPD thing as it was seemingly not an issue up until Sept. If someone can tell me how to go about acting toward her or treating her that would be great. Sorry for the long short summary. Would love to hear something soon.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi nycniceguy,

it does seem and certainly makes sense that youre confused. i think the easiest solution to that is learning as much about the disorder as you can. you describe some dynamics that are fairly common here, but that doesnt make them any less confusing.

ill give you a few examples.

for starters, hearing about how "insane" former partners are is fairly common. forming a relationship on the basis of needing comfort from it isnt healthy either.

she decided, after a year, that she didnt like your habits and wanted you to quit smoking. thats controlling behavior; id suggest its a bit of a test. typically if a person has a problem with smoking, they dont proceed to spend a year in a romantic relationship with someone who smokes. thats kind of the least of it though. telling you to "get a better job" and "go back to school" is a heck of a lot more controlling. those are your decisions. its perfectly okay for her to support you in doing so.

" She had gone off her meds complaining about an issue with work, she did not want to be on them, she was sick of being on them since she was 10, etc. she went off them and me needing her I decided I will be postive and help her with whatever  choice she may make." i find its also common for people with pds to go off their meds. that is of course a personal decision, not always a good one. my ex did the same at the beginning of our relationship. frankly speaking, the only thing meds did for my ex was lower her sex drive.

"After a few months things got very hectic she needed to see me all the time, If I didn't come by every single day she would get upset or mad, little things would tick her off, I was scared."

this is common behavior too, for more reasons than i can put into words. suffice to say it revolves not just around the fear/perception of abandonment, but the very nature of attachment for a person with BPD. it becomes overwhelming, especially when your devoted presence does little to satiate it.

"We got into a small argument and I said I didn't know about what I wanted anymore and we did not speak for about a week. After that she came to me asking what I was doing and if I could come over. Upon going over she only wanted one thing. Make up sex. So now I was back into it figuring she loved me, got over it, or whatever. Things were okay for awhile. In November we were in a bad place, I was worried about her leaving me, she was talking to another man."

without apparently realizing it, you just explained the dynamic youre confused over. this, again, revolves around the sense of abandonment. sex is also a tool for emotional regulation.

"me because I was losing my mind that day. She responded by being pissed I was even thinking she was unfaithful and said she wanted a break. "

theres a lot to this, but suffice to say its her having a difficult time dealing with the needs and feelings of others.

"After 2 weeks she started talking to me again" while you understandably feel as though you were in a relationship with this person 24/7, and im not saying you werent, you are now identifying what is known as "recycling".

i shared this earlier, its from the archive of articles on this website. "The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too."

"Now it is March 25th our anniversary has just passed and I am learning from a few of her friends that she is having second thoughts about the relationship."

anniversaries, holidays, and the like, can trigger unstable emotions in a person with BPD.

im giving you these examples not to suggest there is some magical code that exists or that anyone here can provide on how to maintain a relationship with a person with BPD. im giving you these examples because they are those of others here, and hopefully you find that experiencing what so many others here have experienced is comforting if not alarming. while none of the things im suggesting make sense on the surface, they make plenty of sense in the context of the disorder, which is why it will benefit you to further educate yourself about BPD. my only caution would be that theres a fine line between obsessive learning and knowledge as power. 

[NycNiceGuy]

Thank you for your feedback it is starring to paint a bigger picture in my head. Maybe someone can help me figure out what "recycling" means.

[once removed]

"recycling" basically means to go in and out of the relationship. if youve ever had a friend who broke up with their partner, then got back with them, you would call that "recycling". while you didnt have any clear or established "break up", i think, given the silence for one week, or two weeks, that this was how she perceived it, and when she returned, it was "recycling". the feeling of abandonment, and perceived abandonment in a pwBPD is difficult to fathom, especially when you had absolutely no intention of abandonment. but to have an argument and go a week or two without speaking doesnt tend to be normal, and neither do her actions surrounding it, ie, showing up for make up sex. so while, again, its very confusing, i think this helps explain that particular experience.

[NycNiceGuy]

Yeah this whole roller coaster has been confusing for sure. I am learning to understand that it can be almost impossible to understand how she is feelings. With the recent developments though I am finding myself wondering how to get her attention again. Its just a worrying feeling

[once removed]

the best advice that i can give you is to take good care of yourself and try to focus on yourself in the mean time. that doesnt disclude learning about the disorder in terms of protecting yourself and trying to understand what youre going through. youre in a great place though, with lots of people who can help you 

[Oooohm]

I am learning to understand that it can be almost impossible to understand how she is feelings.

Most pwBPD don't know how they feel about things... .(Goes towards and un-developed or under-developed "Self" only that when they do "feel" it is overwhelming to them... .(Think of a burn patient without skin being poked) and the feelings become facts, I.E. "I feel you were trying to be mean... .therefore you are a mean person".

I also figured out the "Logic" (if you can call it that) being with my uBPDw for 25 years. Goes something like this:

"He is so awesome and confident and kind... .he will be my savior, confidant, support structure... .he will understand how to make me whole... .  but I feel defective around him... .he is going to leave me some day because I am defective... .I will have to protect myself from the pain of him leaving me by pushing him away... .but he still wants to be with me ?... .HE must be defective to want to be with me... .I can see he is defective when I provoke him... .it's not me it's him ... .i'm OK... .until I'm not OK again... .and again... .and again... ." (Wash, Rinse, Repeat)

The severity and the frequency DOES diminish over time (Years not months) by USING the lessons on the right --->  but doesn't seem to ever go away completely.

Good Luck

[NycNiceGuy]

So it will take a lot of work and determination of both sides? I am just not sure if she really wants this.

[Oooohm]

So it will take a lot of work and determination of both sides? I am just not sure if she really wants this.

Not up to her... .  you can't and shouldn't talk to her about BPD unless she has already been diagnosed by a professional AND has received many, many months if not years of treatment. You will just enflame her by trying... .

Sorry NiceGuy... .It's up to you... .to change. Don't loose yourself by becoming "different" tho. Understand the Disorder and change YOUR "reactions". Become aware of your "wording" when you talk to her. Set boundries... .kindly... .and don't waiver on them!  BPDs lacked stability when they were children... .  You need to be stable. Loving... .not clingy. Don't give her any excuse to "Paint you Black".

This probably all sounds very cryptic to you... .because you are new to the game... .  If you truly want it to work, you will "Get it" with time and practice.

[NycNiceGuy]

I am getting used to the lingo now. So currently she is talking to the boy I had a problem with in November. My issue is that way back then in November I took hold of this problem head on. Explained to her I did not like she was hanging out with him, did not want her to and she accused me of accusing her of cheating which brought up the 2 weeks of silence. Now she is possibly hanging out with him again and I am thinking of just mentioning something along the lines of "Hey I love you and care about you, I would just like to talk to you about the relationship soon, possibly after I see my therapist tomorrow would that be okay?" Is that a statement that would avoid being painted black. I really wanna do my best to not have that happen but I understand its out of my control.

[once removed]

two things:

you mention more than one guy that youve expressed having a problem with her hanging out with. that seems problematic to me, and kind of controlling. thats not to say i dont understand your concern, im just wondering what your reasoning is and where it comes from.

" "Hey I love you and care about you, I would just like to talk to you about the relationship soon, possibly after I see my therapist tomorrow would that be okay?" Is that a statement that would avoid being painted black. I really wanna do my best to not have that happen but I understand its out of my control."

id be much shorter. virtually no one likes to hear "we need to talk" , especially if you add "about the relationship" and "after i talk to my therapist" to it. id cut it off at "hey i love you and care about you, i would like to talk to you soon."

[JohnLove]

Hello NycNiceGuy. Your approach to her in your last post is compassionate and shouldn't trigger her. Everything you say once you meet... .well, that is a different story.

She may not know what she wants or how she truly feels but you should. So if her continuing to hang with this "boy" is causing you to feel uneasy or is impacting the intimacy in the relationship then that should be expressed to her. I would have a really good read through the tools on here because things might not go as you plan and you will stumble. It takes a long time and quite a modicum of trust being built before you can communicate effectively with someone suffering BPD.

Ultimately you must know how you feel about something and that's when the subject of boundaries will come up. You need really healthy and STRONG boundaries when interacting with a pwBPD (person with BPD) otherwise you will get hurt. They often have VERY poor boundaries and self awareness.

You have not expressed your specific concerns or history about the "boy" to us here.

In your specific situation you may make her relationship with this "boy" that you have felt was inappropriate, a boundary. Boundaries are for you. Boundaries are to protect yourself.

It is not an ultimatum, but you may tell her that she is harming your intimate relationship (read: primary relationship) by having or continuing to have an "inappropriate" relationship with the "boy". Only you know your truth. I have little knowledge of any particulars. I am only offering you guidance. This will put the ball in her court so to speak. It will make it her choice to do whatever next. If she chooses to continue with the interactions with the "boy" and it causes you to feel unhappy, then you know what to do next, and it is not enabling, but placing an important (to you) boundary to protect your heart from harm.

Unfortunately when dealing with a pwBPD getting hurt is almost inevitable... . :'(

[NycNiceGuy]

Again you guys are wonderful and helping me with a lot I cannot believe some of the stories and how we seem to all go through the same things. I am finding myself worried if there is no hope. I see that the relationship has toxic points but part of me still really wants to make it work, whether it be because she looks really good or she has trained me to believe I cannot do any better.

As for the "boy" this guy was a friend from HS one which she expressed to me that she had a crush on. This is how the story goes. In high school she dated a man (lets name him George) and his best friend was the "boy"(the one i am worried about lets name him Ian). So basically George was a controlling prick who was over protective and didn't let her speak to other people. ( After reading a lot of stuff im not sure how true it all is but I would like to believe there is some truth to what she has said) So George believed that her and Ian had a fling going on and made her stop talking to him completely. So she has always felt a void of what could of been because they did like each otherbut she never ended up doing anything with him.

When they reconnected she explained all of this and I was pretty secure about our relationship and shrugged it off especially because he was a recovering drug addict with a 6 year old I figured I was in pretty good shape because she hates drugs, drinking, smoking, and the like. However I found out afterward they were flirting hanging out and something had happened, dunno if it was sex but some sort of connection. Now they are talking again and I have found out from a friend that she is concerned because they have a strong sexual connection that she is scared of. It urks me that she is unsure when we have been together for 2 years.

I am basically worried that she does not have the self control to say no. Me being me however I have never had an issue with cheating, its very simple for me to be like "oh this girl is cute... .im in a relationship... .okay moving on." You simply don't cheat, if it comes down to you falling for someone else while in a relationship atleast do the right thing and break up with the person because it obviously wasn't going to work if you were searching elsewhere. So yeah I am scared she will get back with this guy she feels never completed the connection with, and at some point get tired of his bull___ and I will not be strong enough to say no when she eventually wants me back for my security. I never thought I would get back with a girl who has cheated on me but I did it once and I am afraid I can do it again.

[JohnLove]

Your fear that there may be no hope could be justified... .physical attraction is a big part of a relationship for many men. You know who you are... .it is important for you to love yourself first, before anyone else can love you. Believe in yourself.

She admits to having a crush on the "boy" first red flag . Why did "George" do that I wonder? Another . Why was she in a relationship with a controlling prick? Third  . Nothing wrong with protecting your intimate relationship. That is the idea. People who are close protect each other. I am sure there is some "truth" to what you have been told but pwBPD are masters of twisting, manipulation, gas lighting, and rewriting history.

Here's my take on your "hearsay". Her relationship with "Ian" caused "George" to feel uncomfortable to the point he made her choose. And where are you at today?  

So she is just a young free spirit that is carried by the wind and would enjoy both a relationship with you and a whatever with "Ian"... .?

I have no problem with polygamy if all the parties agree to it. It is not for me though. I believe in monogamy. I have little problem with close friends of either sex but I draw the line at intimacy. She has admitted to having a crush on "Ian" and has always wondered what could be?  ... .I reckon you have every right to be concerned. If it is going to the point of you feeling threatened or intimacy being lost I believe that needs to be expressed very clearly. Your needs have to be conveyed to your SO (significant other) and she should be prepared to do something about that. I will warn you that pwBPD often have very serious issues with the needs of their partner, particularly when emotional needs are conveyed.

In a healthy intimate relationship your SO is supposed to care for your emotional needs. That is the whole point of pair bonding and intimate relationships. If that is not the case you need to examine what is going on.

Another problem with pwBPD is that they "mirror" their partner in an effort to please them and be compatible with them. They can be chameleon like in this ability. The statements that she hates drugs, drinking, smoking, etc directly conflicts with her interest in "Ian".   I don't know what stage of recovery he is in?. Have you seen them interact? Do these things that "Ian" has been or is being involved in all of a sudden become acceptable because of her feelings?... .

pwBPD have a VERY poor, even underdeveloped sense of self so you just may be correct in that she does not have the willpower or self control not to mirror "Ian's" needs as well.

We are on the same page with regard to infidelity NycNiceGuy. I just hope your SO (with BPD?) is as well. You need to discuss this with her... .not me.  

You have painted quite the scenario at the end of your post. For me, infidelity is a DEALBREAKER. I have learnt when I have continued a relationship with someone that has been unfaithful for whatever reason it has never worked out. It is never the same. You can't take it back. That is just my experience based on how I feel.

You need to know yourself. What is acceptable and unacceptable to you in an intimate relationship and be true to yourself. It is the only path to happiness. You have identified in yourself something that may need working on.

I wish you well.

[Nisran881]

I liked the comment about getting knowledge, but not being obsessed with it.  I think I have gotten to that point and my girl friend has actually pointed it out that she fears that It will color my perception of her and that I believe too much of what I read.  Having read prolifically on this already, and hearing it from her and seeing it here has been helpful for me.  It really is all about practicing behaviors and responses.   Thanks to all for sharing.  It is good.

[NycNiceGuy]

UPDATE... .I brought up that I was having issues, she avoiding confrontation and continued to hangout with these other men. I broke it off and it is scary the amount of relief I am feeling, thank you for all the help you guys have given me though, I will try to stay active on the boards as much as possible.

[once removed]

hang in there nycniceguy, it must feel good to feel relief right now, but be prepared for all kinds of thoughts and feelings. do stay active on the boards, we will help you through this .

[NycNiceGuy]

Of course I will especially now that I am in need of assistance, she contacted me about getting back together and then 12 hours later she was pissed, she found a post I made on a dating site about meeting new people ( I knew I was breaking up with her at this point.) She has a significant amount of blackmail she can use against me... .am I painted black forever or is this normal and I should expect really highs and lows even after breaking up.

[once removed]

"am I painted black forever"

i dont think theres any such thing, whether you ever know it or not.

"I should expect really highs and lows even after breaking up."

yes, i think thats fair to say.


can you elaborate on the blackmail issue? you dont have to be specific if you dont want to; if not, just your thoughts about how significant this blackmail is and the potential consequences you think you might encounter. that will matter in terms of how to protect yourself or whether or not to do so.

[NycNiceGuy]

We had a lot of interesting sex I will keep it at that. Ther are some pictures that she took of me that I do not want to be shown in public. They are private. So she is very aware she can ruin me with those.

[once removed]

i replied to this in a separate thread fyi