My BPD boyfriend keeps making me feel insecure

[fromheeltoheal]

He isnt diagnosed... does it sound like to you he may have it?

Not really sure, I haven't heard enough yet, and we can't diagnose anything anyway.  But in the end it doesn't really matter: his behaviors are either bringing you up or they're bringing you down, and right now they're bringing you down.  If we slapped a "mentally ill" label on him then it would be all him, and you wouldn't be the crazy one, which would be validating, yes?  But what if there are only two kinds of people, the ones who bring us up and the ones who bring us down, and the secret to life is adding the ones who bring us up and removing the ones who bring us down, a continual upgrade.  Which side of that fence would he be on?  

 

Anyway I feel pretty worthless atm. When I confront him about things he usually doesnt answer which frustrates me even more and then I grt angry and repeat myself and now he thinks im an obsessed, stupid, idiot c***. He has only said i am those those to hurt me but now he means it. apparently I am also the biggest psycho he has ever known... .I hate it because I feel like he has brought out bad traits in me because I know longer feel valued by him or trust him and now its like he hates my personality. 2 weeks ago he invited me on holiday in the summer with his family, one week ago he said he would buck up his ideas and do anything not to lose me. Now he apparently has realised im an obsessed lunatic psycho idiot etc. He has even blocked me which he has never done before. I am probably better off but the whole thing hurts like hell and I dont feel like I can cope with the realisation it is over and the bad thoughts about myself.

I am probably better off but the whole thing hurts like hell and I dont feel like I can cope with the realisation it is over and the bad thoughts about myself.

Yes, it does hurt like hell, but you really, really don't need someone in your life who treats you like that.  Relationships are difficult, especially as they're ending, and when people get emotional the wheels come off and very hurtful things get said.  Better to just stop the bleeding and walk away at this point, as hard as that is.

Realizing it's over is easier to deal with than 'bad thoughts about myself.'  This guy got under your skin, uncovered your insecurities, and you started doubting yourself, and that's where most of the work is moving forward.  It's actually the good news since the pain of the end of the relationship can be used to motivate you to dig and see where those insecurities come from, and you know what?  We all want to be loved and feel loved, and emotional and physical intimacy involves vulnerability and great risk, you are not alone in this and everyone feels insecure at least a little in those situations.  And when the other person exhibits the traits of a personality disorder, it's even worse; I felt like I was literally going insane when I left her.  The good news is by putting one foot in front of the other and doing the work you will get your power back, even stronger and wiser.  Now there's a good thing to think about... .

[Mutt]

When I confront him about things he usually doesnt answer which frustrates me even more and then I grt angry and repeat myself and now he thinks im an obsessed, stupid, idiot c***.

He's not saying or thinking good things about you. It's frustrating when we try to confront someone; they may ignore or are indifferent than blame you for their avoidance. A way to minimize this frustration is understanding that we can control our actions / responses. As fromheeltoheal points out his behaviors are bringing you down and your repeating yourself, an option is to say things once and not justify, attack, defend or explain (JADE) and it will help making you less angry.

[klacey3]

[/quote]
Not really sure, I haven't heard enough yet, and we can't diagnose anything anyway.  But in the end it doesn't really matter: his behaviors are either bringing you up or they're bringing you down, and right now they're bringing you down.  If we slapped a "mentally ill" label on him then it would be all him, and you wouldn't be the crazy one, which would be validating, yes?  But what if there are only two kinds of people, the ones who bring us up and the ones who bring us down, and the secret to life is adding the ones who bring us up and removing the ones who bring us down, a continual upgrade.  Which side of that fence would he be on?  

 

I'm not saying I need him to be labelled to put all blame on him or for my own validation, I think I just want opinion on whether his behaviours are borderline ones or not. It would make more sense to me if I knew or heard opinions about his behaviours.

Well the last few months he has brought me down more than brought me up. I just wish he doesnt act the way he does and it could have worked. The dating sites and the refusal to discuss things... .i end up repeating myself because he doesnt give proper answers or explanations. He says things to hurt me, he actually implied he had cheated once and then said he didnt mean it he only said it to upset me because i hurt him... understandably all this stuff drives me crazy and super panicky he is up to no good so I end up having to check up on him and he tells me I am an obsessed stalker...   when I apparently upset him and has the attitude 'i can do what i want i dont answer to anyone' I told him its important to me that he gets a proper job even if it is only a couple of days a week because I want a future with him like moving in etc so its vital. I said i wanted him to visit me more as I spend alot of time visiting him. But his response is 'im not going to be controlled by you, you just want those things for your own benefit and are being selfish'


Yeah I am trying to put it to the back of my head and move forward. Usually he says anything to get back with me but he isnt this time so it should be easier. Have you got any tips to move on?

Why did you feel like you were going insane to leave your ex?

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm not saying I need him to be labelled to put all blame on him or for my own validation, I think I just want opinion on whether his behaviours are borderline ones or not. It would make more sense to me if I knew or heard opinions about his behaviours.

Well the last few months he has brought me down more than brought me up. I just wish he doesnt act the way he does and it could have worked. The dating sites and the refusal to discuss things... .i end up repeating myself because he doesnt give proper answers or explanations. He says things to hurt me, he actually implied he had cheated once and then said he didnt mean it he only said it to upset me because i hurt him... understandably all this stuff drives me crazy and super panicky he is up to no good so I end up having to check up on him and he tells me I am an obsessed stalker...   when I apparently upset him and has the attitude 'i can do what i want i dont answer to anyone' I told him its important to me that he gets a proper job even if it is only a couple of days a week because I want a future with him like moving in etc so its vital. I said i wanted him to visit me more as I spend alot of time visiting him. But his response is 'im not going to be controlled by you, you just want those things for your own benefit and are being selfish'

Yeah I am trying to put it to the back of my head and move forward. Usually he says anything to get back with me but he isnt this time so it should be easier. Have you got any tips to move on?

Why did you feel like you were going insane to leave your ex?

Honestly what you're describing sounds like a more-or-less normal relationship that isn't working, and he is being rude and mean.  The traits of BPD are on a continuum, we all exhibit some of them some of the time, but it takes exhibiting most of them most of the time to warrant a diagnosis, but I would say it's obvious by then.  I'm sorry you're having a difficult time, it's not fun to be in a relationship like that, best to decide what you want, whether or not he's going to give it to you, and act accordingly.

Why did you feel like you were going insane to leave your ex?

My ex exhibited traits of the disorder to the extreme, and I had the pleasure of experiencing physical and emotional abuse, disrespect, raging, cheating, lying, and devaluation, all of which are standard components of the disorder, I just didn't know that then.  So I felt like I was going insane, could not understand or fix anything, thought I 'loved' her, and eventually just fled.  My relationship was less than a year, a lot shorter than a lot of folks here, but the biggest question was why did I stay as long as I did?

You may try reading a lot of stories and the articles here and see if you make a connection.  Many of us read posts or an article and go 'Aha!  That is exactly what happened in my relationship, I could have written that!'  And that's a good thing because then we don't feel so alone an so confused.  Take care of you!

[Infared]

Hi klacey3,

I know this is hard.  If the relationship is damaging you, then you should examine your motives for staying in the unhealthy relationship.  I have stayed in a relationship with an extremely unhealthy person for 4 years, and it has me to the point of breaking down.  I am trying to leave, but I love her so much.  She has become very abusive and is hurting me so much, but the problem isn't just hers alone.  She is responsible for her part, and I am for mine (the staying part).


There is no easy answer, but examining yourself and your motives.  What are you getting out of the relationship?  Are you addicted to this person?  Look to answer those things and improve yourself, put the focus back on you.

I'm just beginning the process of even recognizing my problems.  I'm a total addict in this relationship, and it is so so so bad for me, but I can't seem to give it up, no matter the cost.  Seriously, I am in danger of losing everything.  I don't want that, but I'm trying to "balance" so I can keep things going, but that's totally irrational.  Stop where you are, and don't let yourself get as far down the path of self-destruction as some of us have.

Take care of yourself.

Best,

rg

I agree And identify with you rg. I had to take a hard look at me.

Just the title of the thread -My boyfriend is "making me feel"- is a sign of extreme codependency... .I had to go to therapy to see that and learn that "I" was part of the problem.  I had to become a whole person. I needed to stop interacting with an abusive person and to take care of me. That did not come naturally for me, unfortunately... .