Wedding event and aftermath.

[maxsterling]

First of all, we had some wonderful guests at the wedding.  Truly awesome people who really were instrumental in keeping W calm.

Here are some things that happened:

- W's best friend/maid of honor is basically an enabler.  Lives a "life sucks" and "we are all miserable" attitude.  The night before the wedding I saw them both sitting on hotel room bed with pill bottles everywhere trading prescription Rx.  Not good.

- W's cousin and kids are awesome people. Cousin gave me tons of validation about how difficult W is to deal with, saying something must be wrong with her meds, wondering how I can stay with someone who is so wound up all the time, etc. 

- W had a complete nervous breakdown before the wedding.  Took a whole group of cousins and relatives to keep her calm. 

-  Event went well.  Really well.  But W afterwards wanted to focus on the things that didn't go well and somehow assumed everyone had a bad time. 

- A few of her family members expressed they were scared to talk to W for fear she would yell at them. 

-  Went for a short trip with cousin and her kids after the wedding.  W nearly had nervous breakdown on trip.  W could not stop focusing on others and things that she claimed  "went wrong" with the wedding.  I told her she needs to let go of it all and live in the present and let the wedding stress be behind her.

Now is time for me to find some alone time, and let life find some kind of stability.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Max,

You both made it! 

I am sorry that she was so stressed out. She must feel like a wrung out rag. I hope you both can have some time to recuperate. This was a big deal. You are a good guy to help her through something so stressful under even normal circumstances.

Given the way your wife's BPD presents, this was pretty incredible to come through intact. I am glad for you both.

[Oooohm]

Reading between the lines... .Sounds like YOU had a great time!    CONGRATS !

[maxsterling]

Yes, I had a GREAT time.  My biggest stress was in detaching from her stress.  Considering her extreme stress, I think I did an OK job at that.

My worries are 1) her taking prescription meds that weren't prescribed to her; 2)  Her complete inability to calm down without meds; 3) here complete and total emotional dependence on me (and others).

I almost can't believe we made it through.  But it took a LOT of work and a MANY people to get her through. 

[takingandsending]

I am going to give you your own advice here ... .to follow after a little time has passed.

I told her she needs to let go of it all and live in the present and let the wedding stress be behind her.

Now is time for me to find some alone time, and let life find some kind of stability.

[Grey Kitty]

Yay! Glad it went well for you, max!

[KateCat]

You did it, Max! You said you would do it, and you did it. 

I think the best part is that you were able to include everyone. You didn't succumb to fear or isolation or uncertainty. You firmed up your support group (both families, plus friends) and you stood in the light. This is a very big achievement.

[waverider]

Thats good it could have been a whole lot worse.



I will be going through this shortly. though we are going bare bones registry with no guests only witnesses. Luckily my partner has no delusions about being able to cope with keeping up with appearances for others

[maxsterling]

Waverider- be careful here.  I thought ours would be a "small" event as well, and somehow it was still too much stress for her.  She, of course, blames me for things escalating to the size of event that we had, but my reality is different.  All it takes is someone to start pressuring your partner to include someone else, to have some kind of party, etc, and next thing you know she will feel obligated to buy a gown and send out invitations.

The only thing I ever said to my wife was that I wanted my family and friends to be present, and didn't just want to elope at the courthouse with just the two of us and two witnesses.  Somehow she interpreted that to mean I wanted a wedding, and she ran with it from there. 

[formflier]

 



Nice work!

[maxsterling]

And here we are, days later, and she is dysregulating again about stuff from the wedding -

How my sister's kids were rude.

how the photographer was late.

how she hates living here, never wanted to have a wedding, people didn't give us the right things.

I told her that I would not participate in that language, and instead preferred to move forward and spend time with her.  And she went around slamming doors and blaming me.  I went outside to organize and clean up a few things. 

She felt invalidated that I would not call my sister up and confront her.  I validated, said I was upset by the actions of my sister too, but I was NOT going to wallow in anger, and instead CHOOSE to move forward and not let the actions of another ruin what I want in my life.  I told her that if we are ever to have a child, she has to let go of her anger towards everyone.

This morning, she has decided she needs to take care of her mental health.  GOOD!

[formflier]

This morning, she has decided she needs to take care of her mental health.  GOOD!

Tell us more about this

[maxsterling]

Well, she apologized for her "tantrum" last night.  Later she messaged me and said that she is not going to work on finding work today, and will instead focus on finding a T and going to a therapeutic art studio.

Let's put it this way:  Wedding night her best friend and maid of honor was depressed and spent until the wee hours of the night in our hotel room.  So, very little alone time with my wife.  Next night was back at home, had 8 people in our small house.  Fun, but not much privacy.  The next two days were a small road trip with some family.  Again, fun, but not much privacy.  W and I did have a hotel room by ourselves, but spent the whole night and next morning just calming her down and dealing with her pain issues.

I think my enforcing boundaries that I am not going to participate in her tantrum illustrated to her that the problem is hers, hers to fix, and if she doesn't it will damage our relationship.  The message was clear:  How the hell are we ever going to raise or even conceive a child if she spends all her time in anger at everyone and living everywhere but the present.

I just hope she continues the focus on herself as she has this morning.

[formflier]

and will instead focus on finding a T and going to a therapeutic art studio.

When does she go back to P?  What did P say about a T?  Anyone is their "group" or medical practice that she can go to?

[waverider]

Glad we are inviting no one. FOO have taken umbrage about that, but she doesn't want them there. As you say there is no such thing as "modest" so everyone is blocked, no dress, no cake, no photos nothing. Just filing the paperwork is a drama.

I think it is one of the things to just get over and behind you as quickly and smoothly as possible.

[maxsterling]

Well, she is at art therapy today.  P is I think the beginning of April. She's working on T, and at least expressed the need to go into more intensive therapy (hoping DBT).   

This afternoon, I feel the "post dysregulation blahs".  She's off at the art studio, trying to work on herself, and I am at work trying to just stay awake.  I wish I could spend the day to myself doing art.  Right now I just feel like things have fallen apart.  The after wedding happiness feels ruined.  Today, I feel 99% certain I could never have a child with my wife.  Not unless some kind of miracle change happens.  Right now, I don't even feel motivated to have sex with my wife.  I just feel down.  It's not like last night's dysregulation was even close to the worst, but right now it feels like the "straw that broke the camel's back."  I'm not sure why it feels different this time. 

[waverider]

Well, she is at art therapy today.  P is I think the beginning of April. She's working on T, and at least expressed the need to go into more intensive therapy (hoping DBT).   

This afternoon, I feel the "post dysregulation blahs".  She's off at the art studio, trying to work on herself, and I am at work trying to just stay awake.  I wish I could spend the day to myself doing art.  Right now I just feel like things have fallen apart.  The after wedding happiness feels ruined.  Today, I feel 99% certain I could never have a child with my wife.  Not unless some kind of miracle change happens.  Right now, I don't even feel motivated to have sex with my wife.  I just feel down.  It's not like last night's dysregulation was even close to the worst, but right now it feels like the "straw that broke the camel's back."  I'm not sure why it feels different this time. 

Does the fact that you are now married increase the feeling of maybe an "out" is not as easy an option? Do you feel regrets?

[maxsterling]

No, I don't think it is that.  I think it is because in the back of my mind I had irrational expectations of things being more happy after the event was over.  It feels like I am mourning the loss of those expectations.  Like I had been holding out for the past few months telling myself "hold off till after the wedding, and things will get better because I can go back to my old routine."  And they aren't any better.   I'm not back to my old routine.  I was soo ready to just put it all behind me last night and spend happy times with my wife, or if not spend a relaxing evening with myself that I sorely need, and neither came to fruition. 

[maxsterling]

Another thing - we truly had a beautiful wedding.  Nearly everything went well in the end, with a few inevitable hiccups (typical hiccups for weddings such as starting late).  Everyone I talked to had a great time, and said it was the best wedding they have ever been to.  My feeling was that all our hard work paid off.  To hear her focus solely on the negatives as if the event was a total disaster just feels so heartbreaking and invalidating.  But then again me not wanting to focus on the few negatives must feel invalidating to her... .

[GeorgeTheDifferent]

At least you both made it through. At my sister's wedding my wife felt so ignored by everyone that she yelled at me then took our kids to the car and drove back home before dinner. I had to stay because I was a photographer, but after all, I was glad I did... .

[formflier]

  But then again me not wanting to focus on the few negatives must feel invalidating to her... .

And I think this is fine.  I really do.  Boundaries have nothing to do with helping validate our partner.  Nothing

If you are not available to listen to the negative stuff... .you will not be available to listen to the negative stuff.  End of it.

However... .with several treatment things coming up.  I think that it might be wise to  coordinate major changes in your behavior or boundaries with them.

Thoughts?

[Grey Kitty]

That is a very good point. There are times where you should say or do something which happens to be invalidating, and that is OK.

The reason to work so hard on it is that there are hundreds of times where your 'natural' reaction (like JADEing) is invalidating... .and most of those times we did it not knowing or caring about the damage it does.

The important lesson is not to be unnecessarily invalidating!

[takingandsending]

max,

Two things:

1. It sounds like maybe you are not getting the self care / self love that you need to do for yourself. So what can you going to do for yourself this weekend?

2. This was a very stressful event for you both. You both worked incredibly hard (in very different ways) to make it come off. Give it some time for both of you to allow the stress to vent off. Your feelings of invalidation are so understandable, and so take the you-time you need to work with that, to give to yourself through support of family, friends or other activities to release some of that upset. Don't rush off into the next big decision of having children and put on more pressure. You both seem like you really need to just lick your wounds and heal a bit.

Okay, one more thing: your feelings of let down are completely understandable, even knowing about BPD as you do. On my wedding day, I had hoped for relief from hectic planning, relaxing in my wife and kind of just being together. It never really happened. We had one morning. You didn't even get that. I totally understand how you feel let down. Be kind to yourself. And be as kind to your wife as you can. I think you guys did pretty terrific, all things considered.

[NGU]

Max:

I've read posts from you on several threads, where you discuss the relationship you have with your wife and the drama surrounding the wedding/aftermath.

Knowing that, you really need another compliment. Your tone shows how well you're handling this, and it's amazing.

It's difficult to imagine adding the stress of BPD with the already-stressful time periods before and after a wedding.