My husband has BPD everything is my fault

[Thread]

My husband has BPD everything is my fault. And when I try to show him how he speaks to me it's then turned around that I accuse everything being his fault. I'm confused, frustrated and at such a loss. We separated for 1 year. I didn't know what he had until he returned and I read stop walking on eggshells. It was him completely. Our agreement to his return was that he remain in therapy every week, suffice to say 6 months too late and his BPD has spiraled out of control having BPD episodes 2-4 times a week lately. It has stirred up some pretty hard anxiety and depression in me. I don't know what I'm looking for here but I'm hanging by a thread.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Hanging, 

Welcome aboard. 

I am sorry that you feel that everything is your fault and are suffering from anxiety and depression.     I completely understand how you feel that are you barely hanging by a thread.  I have felt that way too. It is really tough.  You are in good company, there are many members here who have felt or are feeling this way too.

BPD behaviors can be completely frustrating and confusing.  I have tried to logically point out things to my bf at times thinking that he would understand my point of view, but many times it ended up in circular argument, leaving us both frustrated. Once I started learning about communication techniques, I was able to discuss my feelings and views with minimal projection or triggering from him. Have you tried communication techniques with your husband?

I understand that you may be confused to know what you are looking for. Sharing your story with others can really help you pinpoint your needs.  Perhaps you can share more of your story so we will be able to help you better? 

[maxsterling]

Hi, Hanging.  I want to welcome you here to bpdfamily.   You have found a group of people who know exactly what you are going through.  BPD is an extremely difficult illness to deal with, and takes tremendous strength and patience from the loved one.   I can attest that if you change your outlook, things can get better for you.  Just being here and opening up is a huge step in the right direction.

Unfortunately, him blaming you for everything is par for the course of BPD.  And I certainly know how terrible you must feel afterwards.  Even with all my work on detaching and not taking things personally, I still leave conversations with my wife feeling hurt and exhausted.  The lessons on the right side of this page really help.  Once you understand what is really going on, it is much easier to let go and stop making the problem worse. 

[formflier]

Hanging,    

I want to join Eagles and Max and welcome you to this site. 

Here is a big hug from me too!   

Looking forward to seeing your next post.  From there... I think we can point you in the right direction.

FF

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I am having a really difficult time staying in my marriage.  We separated after two years of marriage.  His rages and outbursts were too much to handle.  I have anxiety mixed with depression was off my meds for 5.5 years prior to meeting him. After becoming emotionally abusive and not working and just feeling verbally beat daily I left him.  We separated for a year, being very religious I never followed through with the divorce.  He finally started therapy and from long distance seemed to understand what parts he played in the separation.  He did all the right things, said all the right things.  When he moved back it was on the condition to be in therapy weekly for 6 months.  Me having been in therapy always to deal with my anxiety issues and some sexual harassment stuff Ive faced since being young, being a girl in most male dominated industries. 

He never got into therapy. It was insurance, it was the time, it was the money, then it was I was forcing him to go and he wanted to make decisions for himself.  6 months later, having to then start talking divorce and him having outbursts 3-4times each week for two months I was losing it.  He got into therapy.  He has been in for three weeks, but I have tripped back into my anxiety issues.  Dealing with insomnia most nights, having anxiety when I sleep, not sleeping well enough, but not being able to stay asleep, staying up till weeee hours. 

I've immersed my in work, partly necessary, but also it just stops the arguing and complaining and whining. But when time is slow and I need that time for rest it opens the doors to communication and constant bickering. 

And somehow at the end of the day its me, its my fault, but he apologizes, however in the apology its blaming me for his actions and validating them, then ending with "I was just trying to apologize, now I'm getting yelled at."

I feel like I'm going nuts.

I feel trapped.

I'm back on my anxiety meds because I cannot function in my marriage without them.

Why stay?  My husband is ingcredible. Hardworking. Genius. Very loving when this stuff isn't happening. He doesn't need to go out and party with the boys. He is not addicted to drugs, sex or alcohol.  He is an amazing man. 

BUT THE MANIPULATION AND CONTROL AND NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH I WANT TO COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME AND THE SIDE JABS are slowing driving me INSANE!

again anxiety and depression issues none of the above is good for me, daily attacks on my intellect or abilities or even just wanting to go out and eat becomes a battle of finance ruining any form of enjoyment... . however when he wants to do A.B or C. its fine, but how dare I want to go eat out! Or get a 2$ biscuit. 

I love him. I need him for our dream we have created together, I cannot do it alone.  I don't want to do it without him.  But my anxiety and health is like GET OUT NOW its not going to change, leave.  But in leaving I will have to let go of the dream that is actually doing well in a short time frame, maybe even go through bankruptcy, get a divorce... . and it sucks because I don't want to leave, but I don't feel or see him looking at himself and actually wanting to make changes.

I need advice. I have a therapist or two if you consider me jumping in on his sessions partially mine. I also have friends with borderlines in their life, who tell me the writing is on the wall. 

He is out of 1 being low to 10 being extreme he is like a 2-3. He whines and complains. suicide threats are made, feels like manipulation, the flipping out on me over like scrubbing of a dish will turn into "im a loser, im gonna kill myself" the control, the wanting to isolate me from my friends or people who are obviously important to me, jealousy when i hang out with my girlfriends, if they teach me things i then use later, jealousy over when i ask my family for help with things, even though i see he is tired, cursing at me or throwing things in rage then saying its because i did it first, i did no such things, using things as manipulation making up stories then saying he knew those things were not true he was just over exaggerating.  He has slept out on the streets once having locked himself out of our condo, i offered to bring the key lied and said i was almost there and he continued to tell me to F OFF he didn't need my help.  That happened the first time we separated.  But i'm on the fense again at the time I was not aware he had a borderline personality disorder and after reading stop walking on egg shells i was like oh... . well at least theres a name for it. 

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Hanging,

I am sorry that you are going through this. I understand how you can feel that nothing is ever good enough.     I have felt like this many times as well.

And somehow at the end of the day its me, its my fault, but he apologizes, however in the apology its blaming me for his actions and validating them, then ending with "I was just trying to apologize, now I'm getting yelled at."

This statement really resonated with me and is something that I struggled with. It is very common for a pwBPD to assign blame to us and not take responsibility for their behavior. From my experience, my pwBPD did this for a long time and I allowed him to blame me for everything. Once I started to learn more about BPD behavior, I was able to discern that my pwBPD's behavior had nothing to do with me, but is a product of his disorder. Radically accepting or depersonalizing BPD behavior truly helps us.

Have you had a chance to read up about BPD behaviors?

BUT THE MANIPULATION AND CONTROL AND NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH I WANT TO COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME AND THE SIDE JABS are slowing driving me INSANE!

The daily attacks can take a toll on you and I understand how coping with the behaviors can drive you insane. 

We cannot change our pwBPD's behaviors or thoughts, but we can change our own.  When your pwBPD makes side jabs, what do you do?

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Yes I have read, watched, and talked to my therapist plenty about BPD behaviors. I guess sometimes I just keep wanting to find an answer or make that light bulb moment appear to solve all the problems. Obviously I'm slamming my head into a wall that won't break down. I do and don't know this -

When I respond it's been plenty of different ways us being together 3 plus years... . Before I knew I would obviously get very hurt and angry, yell, throw my own tantrums. Never being heard and him showing no emotion to hurting me. The empty apologies, and continued behavior.

After I started educating myself on the BPD and therapy with someone who is familiar, my first knew there was something deep rooted, but she wasn't trained with BPD apparently because my new one called it after meeting him twice. Anyway after I just try to ignore the jabs. Then I would call him on it calmly, for example, "I wasn't sneaking out to coffe, I invited you and you said no. Then I texted you and said I'm having coffee and a biscuit with my cousin."

Another example is when my cars alternator got fixed he argued with me about some wire being lose I tried explaining myself, luckily the mechanic said no, that doesn't just disconnect on its own, but she's right it was hanging loose. I then thanked the mechanic and later on said it's frustrating when you don't take me at my word. he got all ruffled acting like facial expressions and then said he was not arguing with me he just didn't understand and was more confused. Often he says he's "joking" or "confused" when he responds impolitely or argues with me in great lengths.

Another thing happened when he freaked out when I was having to teach him something for our project. He threw his arms up in the air in anger to my teaching. (A incident before he accused me of not showing him properly so I was over compensating and showing him step by step to not be accused) he then continued to say I was never happy I never smile and I always point to the board and say "get to work"

Untrue. I said when has that happened. He said I just feel like that's what's going on. I say we just were giggling and laughing earlier so I must smile when I'm laughing. a week later when I brought it up in a similar "I feel" episode he said, "I was just over exaggerating, I know you don't do that." My response you were very upset and it seemed like you really believed I was treating you in those ways. Why would you make me feel bad and get mad at me to the point of threatening to harm yourself if you knew those things weren't true. I don't understand.

I could obviously go on, but those are a few examples.

[Thread]

What is a pwBpd what are all these abbreviations 

[formflier]

What is a pwBpd what are all these abbreviations 

pwBPD is (person with BPD)   r/s is (relationship)

You'll get the hang of it... . I'm glad you are here.

FF

[Indiegrl]

What is a pwBpd what are all these abbreviations 

Distressing, I know!     Check it out (under Glossary):

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

[formflier]

I would like to call your attention to two lessons that I think will help you.  Please post your thoughts after reading these.

Stop the bleeding



Some things to consider

I feel like I'm going nuts.

This feeling is normal... . you are not going nuts... . once you understand and employ the tools... . this should get better.

BUT THE MANIPULATION AND CONTROL AND NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH I WANT TO COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME AND THE SIDE JABS are slowing driving me INSANE!

Is this the issue that if "fixed" would make the biggest impact in your r/s (relationship)

I need advice. I have a therapist or two if you consider me jumping in on his sessions partially mine.

Please clarify... . do you have your own therapist?  Does he have his own?  Sounds like you have been to his "T" a time or two... . but I want to confirm.

I also have friends with borderlines in their life, who tell me the writing is on the wall. 

How many of these friends have successfully improved their relationships... . ?

  He has slept out on the streets once having locked himself out of our condo, i offered to bring the key lied and said i was almost there and he continued to tell me to F OFF he didn't need my help. 

What would have happened if you hag ignored this tantrum... . and gotten a good nights sleep?


 

Hang in there... .we can help you make this better

FF

[EaglesJuju]

I guess sometimes I just keep wanting to find an answer or make that light bulb moment appear to solve all the problems. Obviously I'm slamming my head into a wall that won't break down. I do and don't know this -

I understand it feels like you are banging your head into a wall.  It is hard to try to make sense out of illogic. Sometimes it seems that there is not an immediate answer to solve everything, but we can take steps in our relationship to improve things one at a time.


Communication techniques can really help with this.  It is really frustrating to not being able to communicate with the people with BPD in our lives. The feeling of being unsure what to say and feeling hesitant to say certain things, can makes us feel like we are not being heard. After awhile there is a tendency for us to bottle our emotions up and sometimes we can be left feeling angry. Communication techniques give us the opportunity to effectively express our thoughts, feelings, and opinions without triggering the people with BPD in our lives. It has improved communication with my bf.  Take a look at this article.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Why would you make me feel bad and get mad at me to the point of threatening to harm yourself if you knew those things weren't true. I don't understand.

PwBPD tend to be hypersensitive to emotions and feelings. The feelings and emotions tend to be perceived as facts.  For people who do not have BPD, a thought can evoke emotions and feelings. PwBPD tend to have an emotion first, then their minds will try to come up with a reason for having the feeling.  A pwBPD will believe that things are true, when in reality they are not.

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FF I should sleep dealing with anxiety from latest tantrum. --- sometimes when dealing w the anxiety just going to bed and ignoring the blowup sis very difficult. I know that's only hurting me not anyone else when I can't sleep or have anxiety.

I will read what you posted asap! All the advice and articles are helpful. I feel less alone in this.

My friends who have pwBPD in their lives one is a BPD mother daughter relationship and there is once a week contact. One is a BPD mother son, again minimal contact. The other is wife and BPDspouse... . BPDspouse died of cancer/pain med overdose  :'( they were actively in therapy. So successful relationships I would say nope.

As for me I have been in therapy for 5 consistent years on and off for 10 since I was diagnose with anxiety/panic disorder at 17. But I do also jump into my husbands therapy every three sessions. We had two separate therapists prior to moving as well and we did the same kind of thing.

Thank you so much for taking time to have this conversation with me. I'm just trying to make sense of everything. My therapist thinks it's time to reevaluate what this relationship is for me. To stay in or to leave.

[Thread]

Also sometimes I just get so confused I sit back and am like maybe I'm BPD maybe I'm the one who is making stuff up because he always seems to turn everything on me? It's very confusing. I'm very tired also. Easier to be confused.

[formflier]

My therapist thinks it's time to reevaluate what this relationship is for me. To stay in or to leave.

I'm interested in what you think! 

I have a suggestion... . put reevaluation on hold.  Focus on learning tools... . learning the order to the disorder... . see where those tools can "take" you. 

After several months of CONSISTENT application of tools and healthy choices on your part... . take a look at your r/s and compare it to now.  I think you will be shocked at how much better it is.

FF

[formflier]

Also sometimes I just get so confused I sit back and am like maybe I'm BPD maybe I'm the one who is making stuff up because he always seems to turn everything on me? It's very confusing. I'm very tired also. Easier to be confused.

Do you journal? Sometimes going back to read what you wrote a month ago... .gives you confidence that you are not "making stuff up".

FF

[Thread]

FF - I sat down tonight and read both links. 

Ive been in therapy for 4 years for my own issues, but mainly focusing on my marriage. It is a hard thing when only one side of the union is doing the emotional work. And I say emotional because he works hard, he makes me dinner while I am working, he supports my goals and dreams, he folds laundry and fixes the manly stuff that needs tending to, he is incredible at doing and moving, working, actions, its the emotional stuff, and the resistance to working on himself and not with me, hes ready to work with me, but to admit he needs work separate from me is not happening. I have even told him once, it is very difficult to be your only means of social interaction and fun... . he has one friend, I have to once in a while remind him to go do things with his friend. 

The thing that is difficult for me is how it can swing so quickly from so angry to statements like, "Everything is going to fall apart by the end of the week." and "There's no time to be happy because there is always a cloud hanging over us, and its always been that way." and "Nothings going to change if you keep acting like this." And then to the polar opposite of, "I just feel like I'm not a husband." "I just want you to say I love you." "youre the best thing in my life."

I get the S.E.T, but the truth part is whats hard, even just the S part, oh ___! lets be honest its all hard.  But especially the T.  He will be angry, throw food down on the table or start using F bombs at me and then claim it was because I did it first.  How do you use SET in this way. 

My therapist said when he starts acting emotionally abusive I should leave, because hes crossed a boundary (something I need to work on always), but its like that enforces the abandonment issues the you're gonna leave me issues, again not helping that when he used to scream at me I did leave him for a year... . so I know that enhanced his fears - it will happen again.   

But where in these situations, and trust me I try, does the T truth, actually work.  I will say calmly I didn't curse. Or that didn't happen.  Or we were just laughing and having a good time. He will say things like "Im always miserable, I can't live like this much more." And I will say to him, youre not always miserable, we just went to that show and had a really good time didn't we? He refuses to hear the T so focused on the "feelings" and then will tell me I am invalidating him and his feelings. Even just writing about all of this is making my head spin. 

And when I read the information about being strong and balanced... . I'm not. I mean given I am a strong person, I work in highly stressful environments, I take on a executive role, however deep inside I'm weak.

I struggle with anxiety, I break down when there is verbal or emotional neglect.  I am not dealing well with the negative remarks or constant debates over the silliest things daily.  Normal conversations far and few.  Working together on projects has kept us going, focused on a main goal, however during the whole training process its a battle, im not showing him well enough, im sabotaging him, why didn't i show him that step, and then the opposite oh my gosh you are now micromanaging me and are interfering by showing me too many steps, i know how to do that! I keep trying to hear him and make the adjustments necessary, but I can never win. It has even been to the point of we are not physical enough, then when we are I'm faking it. Cornered, no win. Its tearing me apart.

And the friend thing and the isolation matter. Yes he does all of that. The jealousy, then the getting mad about something when I get home because he was really upset about me hanging out without him. Its even gone to the extent of wanting me to see my friends on a trip who live far away and came nearer, paid for me to go, wanted to give me a break "you deserve it." Then getting upset about it going to the same location at a different time by himself and blowing $400 after we had just spoken about if we spend over $100 we needed to discuss it before doing so (The night before!) So what makes me want to leave and go hang out and have a normal life when these are and or may be the consequences? And lets not even get into the fact that most of my friends are not happy with the way he is treating me. The ones who don't judge and are okay to be around him are the ones with pwBPD in their lives in some way or another.

When and or does this battle ever end?

I just think I should do what the information suggested and start writing out a pro/con list.

Obviously I get it. Obviously I don't want to leave. And its clear I also don't get it at all because I keep wanting to see change or the stop of current behaviors. I wish there was a pill or a cure.

But at the same time his trust for me is shattered and quite frankly I don't think he ever really believed I would stay the whole relationship, he always would state "I just wait for you to leave and not come back" sometimes I forget this stuff because we were so lost "in love" But now reading all these peoples experiences and testimonies I feel like why didn't I know about this and all those moments where I felt confused and bewildered, it was BPD behaviors everytime.  But I got my butt in therapy believing it was me and I was really messed up.  Both therapists always were like youre not crazy, there is something "deep-rooted" in him, but you can't force it out. The second therapist said it was an anger management issue, the third more trained in BPD who met with us more nailed it.

Its very difficult staying strong when daily I am being knocked down either by corrections of thoughts, control over letting me think my own way different from his, even getting upset just over me brainstorming a room layout, or complete outward yelling, freaking out whenever there is a move or a change, or harsh actions; banging dishes hard, and throwing tantrums, tossing food angrily, verbally attacks, "apologizing" for reacting to me, or just negative side comments, grumpy moods for no reason, sarcasm and belittling.

I just don't know if I am strong enough with my anxiety and depression to stay in the relationship. Which I can be off meds outside of my marriage, but need them to be in my marriage! I obviously don't blame him that I have the anxiety and depression issues a lot of it is just genetic and in my family, but his BPD is not a helping.

[Indiegrl]

Hi there Hanging 

And when I read the information about being strong and balanced... . I'm not. I mean given I am a strong person, I work in highly stressful environments, I take on a executive role, however deep inside I'm weak.

Sounds to me like you ARE a strong person. At the same time, you are acknowledging that doing and managing all the things you do, is demanding, it takes resourses. Think of someone at work that seems to be strong and easygoing, having a great life, and ask yourself: Do you believe they have the same burden and struggles to deal with in their life?

What I'm trying to say... . I have put myself down many times for not "fixing" it. Objectively I was, but I knew I hardly made it, that I spent all my resources on doing it, and I felt like a wreck, everything was heavy. Well. Who wouldn't be when put in a straining and draining situation like that?

So, credit yourself by accepting that you live in a demanding reality and doing your very best. If that is not enough, would you like to consider the possibility that it's due to the sort of environment and the responsibilities you are facing, and not your shortcoming?

I struggle with anxiety, I break down when there is verbal or emotional neglect.  I am not dealing well with the negative remarks

Sounds like a very natural and logical reaction to the stresses you have to endure. Deep down, do you think you should not have these reactions?

I keep trying to hear him and make the adjustments necessary, but I can never win.

Know the feeling of "I can never win". Even though I haven't really got to try out to make "the adjustments necessary"; meaning the communication skills taught on this forum. Or... . are you talking about the adjustments he is demanding? Oh that one - I have tried! What a dead-end! By reading on this forum, I've come to realize that to adjust to keep him happy (=not hurt his feelings in any way), is counterproductive, that actually means not living in harmony with YOUR own values, meaning: having healthy boundaries. When we started out I had them... . but I adjusted... . to keep the hot glowing love (addiction right there... . ) coming my way... .

Cornered, no win. Its tearing me apart.

Of course it's tearing you apart - who wouldn't be? To be "trapped" like that in a "no-win"-situation - damned if you do and damned if you don't, like everything you do is wrong. If you openly share your thoughts, you're accused of hurting his feelings, if you are hesitant to share them, you are not open and therefore hiding and avoiding, and therefore you are a liar and cannot be trusted. Endless, circular discussions about... . nothing. Details. It's crazy and it's exhausting.

When and or does this battle ever end?

Hmmmmm... . Me coming to this forum and educating myself... . I have come to the belief that the battle never ends. I do hope any senior member on this board will comment on this, but... . This is the part which puts me over the edge, which makes me think: I can't do this. Cause it will never end. It will be there forever. I cannot fool myself.

I have past relationship where I lived on HOPE alone, hope that ONE DAY, all this love will come to me and we will be just fine, be like a normal family. I think I have spent all my capacity for a lifetime on being in that role, hoping that things will work out. I have tried to be the stronger one, the mature one, the one who does all the "hard work" and never get anything than neglect or aggression (passive-agressive that one) in return. I have tried that for several years already. And finally there were some events that made my realize: It's never going to change. This is what it is. 

So this very notion... . of facing the facts... . that the battle never will end... . is a very strong indicator for me to let it go. I honestly do not think I will be capable of doing this role and at the same time be truly happy in my life.

I need reciprocity. I thought I had that, but know I doubt it.

Its very difficult staying strong when daily I am being knocked down

Exactly. True story. Words of wisdom.

either by corrections of thoughts, control over letting me think my own way different from his, even getting upset just over me brainstorming a room layout, or complete outward yelling, freaking out whenever there is a move or a change, or harsh actions; banging dishes hard, and throwing tantrums, tossing food angrily, verbally attacks, "apologizing" for reacting to me, or just negative side comments, grumpy moods for no reason, sarcasm and belittling.

Think of a person you hold dear, preferably a child you care for. Imagine this child at the age of 20, coming to you and tell you what is happening to her in her relationship, and she gave you these examples, as you have written here.

What would you feel for her?

What would your advice for her be?

I just don't know if I am strong enough with my anxiety and depression to stay in the relationship. Which I can be off meds outside of my marriage, but need them to be in my marriage!

Quite strong sign there, isn't it, being on or off medication? I do understand if you feel obliged to stay in your relationship. I'm not married and I have no "religious obligations" either, that could push me to stay even though it's not healthy. But still i feel very obliged to not breaking the relationship! All of our relationship is dripping with the crazy romantic idea of the two of us being together no matter what, growing old together, doing everything together. I did enjoy the romanticism in this, but have to admit, my beliefs on what makes up a healthy relationship, contradicts this

If you were to do a little assessment of your feelings of obligation... . how would that turn out?

Beware: The FOG is strong.

How about some love for self? Care for self?   YOURSELF  How about you putting yourself first?

I have this saying playing in my mind lately... . : "You get the love you think you deserve."

Ouch. That hurts. Something there for me to adress.

Take care.

[formflier]

 

Hanging,

 

Thanks for the wonderful post.  I'll try to work through it later today.

You have the strength to make your r/s better... . I can tell that.  You just need some knowledge and tools.

Yes... . they are hard... . especially at first when they seem so different.

Hang in there!

FF

[Thread]

Indiegrl,

You are amazingly insightful and each time you comment you hit a lot of nails right on the head leaving me to really dig deep and ponder very profoundly!

Thank you for taking so much time. Your words are clearly wise and from experience I see that your struggle Is real.

This forum is a great help! I'm so glad I joined! When I talk to my friends I feel they prosbably just think im crazy or over exaggerating, but I can see on here everyone really does actually empathize and know what it's like to be where I am.

Thank you again!