I am the daughter of a mother with BPD and a father with NPD

[Rebecca01]

Hi Not sure if this is the right place to post... .Just to say hi and find comfort from the rollercoaster ride of emotions brought on by having a borderline mother and a narcissistic father.I am 44 recovering from my second time of getting cancer(Mum dosn't know Dad does).

Anybody with both parents with personality disorders.?

Just need to know I'm not alone!

[Turkish]

Hello Rebecca01, and

I'm glad you're in recovery now, that must have been scary for it to happen twice.

I'm the only child of a BPD mother. What you describe, however, is a common pairing: BPD mother and NPD father. We do have members here who grew up in homes as you describe your parents.

Lachkar describes this dynamic in a book that we recommend here: The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple

":)efining the narcissistic/borderline couple as "individuals who, when they are together, form a shared couple myth that gives rise to many collective fantasies," Lachkar explicates the network that underlies this type of relationship and demonstrates how two theoretical constructs--self psychology and object relations--can be integrated to create an effective conjoint treatment of marital pathology".

We have a discussion here where members discuss growing in a narcissistic family. Maybe you can relate to some of it?

TOOLS: Family systems--understanding the narcissistic family

[Rebecca01]

Hi, thanks very much for the reply.I will read the information you have suggested and look forward to learning some new coping skills.I have my mother sussed but my father can still side swipe me with his unbelievable selfish victim style attitude to what I see as not a bad life he's forged for himself with another enabler(histrionic)Woman which is fine,I just wish they would leave me and my family to get on with things on our own in our own way.

It's his bad attitude towards my husband that upsets me the most.I just forget sometimes that he is the one with the problem and is just projecting all his hurt onto us. Aaaargh!

Hopefully now I am back in control things will stay stable.

Mother coming on Saturday morning so preparing my house so nothing is on show to give any hints of my illness or my life.Really bonkers isn't it

[isilme]

Hi Rebecca.  Yes, both my parents have disordered thinking.  I am in my late 30s now, and it's taken a long time of NC from both to find a place to heal.  Mom was diagnosed bi polar, and dad manic depressive, and after reading on here, they fit BPD/APD (antisocial PD, also known as sociopath I think) behaviors.  I was an only child, and they were restrictive and isolated me, so the crazy at home was all I knew for a long time.  I have some PTSD symptoms from living in that, and only recently realized that's a big part of anxiety I face in certain situations. 

This is a good place to be - knowing you are not alone is really more helpful than I could have imagined.

[Rebecca01]

Hi,yes I thought for many years I was the only one who had such mad parents,but unfortunately it seems that it is quite common.

I have limited access, emotionally and physically which helps.

My in built compass seems to have gone abit off balance just recently with a combination of my treatment(time when you want your mum  :'() and the fact I have really bad side effects which effect my mood.I am basically running on empty.In a way it's a good thing because I haven't got the energy to bother with her drama/poor me rubbish.My Dad on the other hand drove me everyday for six weeks to have my treatment,by the seventh week he couldn't cope with the stress of it and that I reminded  him of my mother(she is my mother) and bad experiences he had been through... .my brother dying,his mother dying,his illness when he was 18 etc,etc... .So my husband got time off work and took me thank god because I was really poorly by then and just couldn't take the emotional ___ I was getting everyday.Even telling me I should be cleaning the house and pottering in the garden What the heck!

Since then he has taken a back seat until a month ago when we had to move house very suddenly,(moving rocks my world because I have moved so many times, been to 10 different schools as my mum hated everywhere we lived and move all the time,even in the middle of the night).So he offered to help pack.That was ok just a few nasty comments to my husband.Then we moved and he did my garden for a couple of hours,all fine.Then it was the weekend of his birthday(65 is a big birthday apparently!)we had been told by his wife that we would have a joint birthday and easter, so didn't go to see him but sent a card and a bottle of whiskey.

My husband and I had a day out and called him to say we were an hour away did he want to meet up... .Bad move... .I should be going to see him for the weekend,not with my husband who works away and we only get weekends together.I get a call from his wife to tell me how much I have hurt my dad,  again So I said" WHAT! I don't understand what I've done wrong"" And she told me I needed to calm down.Basically except I had been a bad daughter again,suck it up and get on with it,never to mention it again.So,once again not allowed to put my point across.Spent a couple of days feeling awful crying my eyes out been in loads of pain and feeling ill... .Then I remembered... .Silly me I fell for it again.

Each time it gets worse.So that's the last time... .

NOTE TO SELF... .THEY ARE NOT NORMAL!

[Tiredbride313]

Hi Rebecca,

I also have a uBPD mother and uNPD father. I'm in my mid-30s and have been NC with them for almost a year now. I've made a lot of progress in my healing, with the support of my husband, friends, and therapist, but I still struggle and have my moments. NPD father still tries to make the occasional contact with me with more vitriol, manipulations, and double talk, but I don't respond. I can't have their drama in my life. It was ruining my mental and physical health.

Please know you are not alone. I've found strength and comfort from members here, because they understand what it's like. I hope you find the same. So happy to hear you're recovering from the cancer. It's so important to put your health and well-being first! Hang in there.

[Turkish]

Being invalidated like that, told to calm down, is someone else telling you how to feel. "That's not right," a quote straight from my therapist. It's as if little has changed since you grew up in that household. No, it is NOT normal. You have a right to feel the way you do. What can you do to assert your boundaries with her? It sounds tough, because your father and you seem to be in a dynamic of being her emotional caretakers (while being targets of verbal and emotional abuse). How your father handles that, I think, is his business. You aren't responsible for his feelings either. That he supported you is a seperate issue, father to daughter. Whether or not he sees the distinction is his business.