Can't go 100% NC with my exBPDgf because we work together

[simpleman]

Hi All,

I left my exBPDgf a week ago after a 7 month relationship. I get the idea of NC but I can't go all the way with it because we work together.

So I am trying to figure out how to come as close to NC as possible. We do have to interact occasionally but most can be by email if she chooses.  I have no problem being professional when we have to work together, acknowledge her with a friendly nod when I see her in the hall, etc.

I'm looking for an attiude to have or something I can tell myself when we have contact to help me keep from wanting to get back with her again.

Here is the first thing I am dealing with:

Since the breakup she has been making it a point to come down to my end of the building and stop by every office around me and coming off like she is the happiest person in the world. Bubbly times 1000.  Im not being judgemental here - she shared with me early in the relationship that she puts on that mask in public.  But this is over the top.  And once when we were fighting I made the mistake of telling her that she could destroy me emotionally if that was ever done to get back at me.

I can't shut my door.

I am not angy with her I am trying to get the right mindset to deal with the situation.

Thanks so much.

[Getting_There]

Hello simpleman,

     Good for you for getting out so early.  However, I'm sure the damage has been done.  I was (am) in just about the same situation.

     I work with my exBPDgf.  We have been split for about 3 months after a 2-year r/s.  We broke up and got back together soo many times.  I literally lost count a while back.  During each past b/u, she seemed so nice and happy to everyone.  Everyone but me.  It was over the top.  It took me a while to figure out that it was only an act.  It came to the point where I was quite aware that she was clearly overcompensating.  At one point she even told me that she was really good at putting on the happy mask.  And that she was in terrible pain during these times.  Looking back, I'm not sure whether this was true or another attempt at manipulation.  Truthfully, it doesn't matter, as I am committed to moving on.  Without her.

      Now that I know about BPD, I understand the origins of the behavior which used to frustrate me to no end.  This is the biggest thing which has allowed me to (finally) make some meaningful progress.  I remind myself that I fell in love with a person who does not exist - a fabricated person.  This can be difficult to come to terms with, because your feelings, your love, was very real. 

       Your exBPDgf - she is not happy.  I am not suggesting that you revel in another person's darkness, but it helps to understand the overcompensating, over the top, "happy" demeanor is an act that they are putting on.  By acting as though they don't give a damn, they are often trying to get a response from you.  She wants you to respond.  She wants you to be hurt by this so that you'll confront her.  Even negative attention is attention and can be validating to the pwBPD.  Keep in mind that this is not a healthy way to react to a b/u.  It is healthy to mourn, to feel, to hurt - just as you are doing.  It will be hard, but it will pass.

       It's freaking difficult having to see this person every day... .to hear their voice... .I get it.  I think you're best bet will be to keep some of these things in mind.  Take a day (or two) off if you really need to (I know, it's crummy, but it may happen).  Work on you.  Take time to really understand why you feel the way you do and why the relationship persisted for as long as it did.  It is going to take time, but it is most certainly worth the effort.

       I hope some of this helped even a little... .I know this is hard, but it gets better.  I promise.



     

[sun seeker]

 

Sorry you guys are hurting. We have all been there.

Hope with all.you guys have been through you have learned. Dont ___ where you sleep. Geting involved with someone at work. NEVER a smart move.  My dexBPDgf always cheated with someone at work. Even though she couldnt hold a job for more than a few weeks.

[Maternus]

During each past b/u, she seemed so nice and happy to everyone.  Everyone but me.  It was over the top.

I can relate to this. Mine did the same after breakup. I think it's the most brutal form of silent treatment. Being friendly and nice to everyone but you to show you, what they'll never give you any more. You feel like you don't exist in their eyes and your relationship meant nothing to them. 

[Luckyfella]

I work with my BPD ex Fiancée (Waif) in the same department. In the beginning it was very difficult hearing her voice and seeing her in the break room. It was also hard seeing her deteriorate by the day (significant weight loss, facial eruptions/breakouts, you name it). It made me feel guilty and have this urge to rescue her. She was also pretending to be the happiest girl on this planet. I just learned to be emotionless and be professional. Just give it some time and know it is just an act and a way to manipulate you.

[Turkish]

I work with my BPD ex Fiancée (Waif) in the same department. In the beginning it was very difficult hearing her voice and seeing her in the break room. It was also hard seeing her deteriorate by the day (significant weight loss, facial eruptions/breakouts, you name it). It made me feel guilty and have this urge to rescue her. She was also pretending to be the happiest girl on this planet. I just learned to be emotionless and be professional. Just give it some time and know it is just an act and a way to manipulate you.

aka, the "Joe Carver" technique: bland, boring, emotionless. I was able to do this somewhat successfully while living with my uBPDx for the four months it took her to move out of my house. It kept conflict to a minimum. See here:

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

[Mutt]

Here is the first thing I am dealing with:

Since the breakup she has been making it a point to come down to my end of the building and stop by every office around me and coming off like she is the happiest person in the world. Bubbly times 1000.  Im not being judgemental here - she shared with me early in the relationship that she puts on that mask in public.  But this is over the top.  And once when we were fighting I made the mistake of telling her that she could destroy me emotionally if that was ever done to get back at me.

I can't shut my door.

I am not angy with her I am trying to get the right mindset to deal with the situation.

Hi simpleman,



We spend a lot of time in the work place and it was my fortress of solitude to get away from the chaos at home with my ex partner.

As Getting_There states understanding the behaviors helps.

She shared she has a masks she displays in public and a pwBPD wear different masks and persona's. That being said what I find helps when my ex is displaying different masks, become indifferent, de-personalize the behaviors. Her behaviors and maladaptive coping mechanisms aren't personal to you.

Turkish has a good article and technique that will help keeps things unruffled with your ex around the workplace.