My Re-birthday

[Codepender]

I’ve been married for sixteen tumultuous, painful years. We’ve had the same fights over and over for years, and I always end up apologizing and promising to do better next time so we won’t keep having the same problems; but I was never able to “fix” myself enough. I have felt increasingly anxious, insecure, resentful, crazy, alone, stupid, and unhappy. I remember myself as a carefree, happy, outgoing person who loved life, and I cannot figure out where that person went.

Nine days ago, I hit rock bottom. I actually always wondered where my breaking point was, and I finally found it. The issue that triggered it wasn’t major; I just fell into a deep bout of the worst depression I have ever had over something quite trivial. I lied in the dark crying for three hours and convinced myself I had been delusional all my life for believing I could ever accomplish what I hoped to. My husband never came to see if I was ok, and later I made a snide remark to him about not caring about me. He told me I was being passive aggressive again (which I was) so I told him I was sorry and I would do better (as usual). He said “good”, and walked away.

That was when I woke up. I call it my re-birthday. I had been waiting for sixteen years for my husband to show me some sign he really cared about me. I bent over backwards, gave up every single friend I had, estranged my family, gave up all my interests, put up with endless judgment and criticism, took care of all the household chores, tried to meet all his needs and demands, tried never to disagree with him, and lost myself completely – and he still didn’t show me any empathy. So I googled how a spouse could have no empathy, and everything pointed to narcissism or BPD. I honestly don’t know if he is a narcissist or has BPD, or if there is a major difference, but in reading about it, my whole world changed.

I realized I put up with everything he did because he made me feel like I deserved it. He felt I deserved the abuse I got so he could treat me that way with no remorse - and that was the end of that.

I became aware of his tricks, and suddenly he was not the only person in my head anymore. I was there too now, and I knew I didn’t deserve to be treated badly. I know that no one deserves that treatment. I want him to tell me how he feels, but he does not have to right to make me feel I am to blame. I suddenly realized I had rights. I had the right NOT be emotionally abused. I also realized I had the right to my own thoughts and feelings.

Since then I have felt a sense of inner peace that I have longed for and thought I would never feel again. As the days go by, I read relentlessly and obsessively about narcissism and BPD, getting more and more clarity, and feeling more in touch with my own thoughts and feelings, and I feel my inner stability and peace grow.

Everything I read said there is no help for a narcissist or someone with BPD. It is incurable and anyone near them should run away asap. I was determined to leave my husband as soon as possible. I could not wait for my freedom. I wanted to save my children from my husband. I was terrified they were going to be like him or damaged by him in other ways, and I wanted to make everything better for them and for me. I haven’t said a word to my husband or kids about all that I am going through or my plans to leave. I know better than to reveal too much to a narcissist until I have all my ducks in a row.

I felt a sense of superiority for seeing my husband for who he was. Noticing all his little tricks and laughing inside when he tried them, while I just kind of nodded and smiled at him. As I gain a greater insight into the problem, I see my part in it. I am co-dependent. I am looking at my own life and the part my childhood played in how I developed. I am realizing I have many of the same issues to work through as my husband. I thought he was the only one damaging our kids. To my horror, I saw that I have been doing damage to my own children as well. I have quiet, complacent, “well adjusted” kids. They are completely controlled and “happy.”  

I realized I have control issues. I use kindness and favors to get people to like me and do what I want. I am always anxious about what other people think of me, and I rely on external sources for self-esteem. I realized I use others to fill my inner void. What others thought of me was everything. I could not say “no” to anyone or disagree with anyone. I knew some of this already, and I had always viewed my willingness to put others first as my best quality. I now see it gave me a sense of superiority and specialness. I was a martyr and a savior. I thought I was so strong for being able to do so much for others, while selflessly giving up my own needs. I thought that everyone should love me for this. I now see that I was being just as self-centered as my husband was and I was using people to fulfill for my own needs.

I have always done everything for everyone, and although I have tried in the past to stop doing this, I have always felt too guilty to make it last. Since my re-birth day, I have instinctively been getting my kids (ages 9 and 11) and husband to help around the house. I ask them nicely to do their own dishes and tidy up their own spaces. I leave their clothes on the floor, and I leave their dishes for them to do. This would have eaten me up inside before, and but now it eats me up when I notice that I do anything they could have done themselves. So every day I notice more and more things others can do for themselves and I let them do it. This mainly applies to my kids, but I have also asked my husband to help put out with little things without any feelings of anxiety or guilt. This is HUGE for me, yet it also feels so natural. The best part is that everyone is much happier.

I don’t know what the future holds for my husband and I, but I know that I need to keep listening to my inner voice and trusting my instincts. That is all I need to work on; the rest is out of my control. YAY! My instincts tell me my husband is hurting and feeling alone, and I feel empathy for him for the first time in years. I do not feel the least bit responsible for him though. I am not trying to fix him or save him, but I have finally been able to enjoy the good in him and not take the bad personally.

I am now consciously trying to live by the motto “What others think is none of my business” and I have been so much happier. I have an appointment with a therapist next week, and I am determined to keep working on building a support system to get myself emotionally healthier. The best resources I have found about BPD have been at BPDamily.com, so thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OffRoad]

I bent over backwards, gave up every single friend I had, estranged my family, gave up all my interests, put up with endless judgment and criticism, took care of all the household chores, tried to meet all his needs and demands, tried never to disagree with him, and lost myself completely

Wow, that was a real awakening for you!

I became aware of his tricks, and suddenly he was not the only person in my head anymore. I was there too now, and I knew I didn’t deserve to be treated badly. I know that no one deserves that treatment. I want him to tell me how he feels, but he does not have to right to make me feel I am to blame. I suddenly realized I had rights. I had the right NOT be emotionally abused. I also realized I had the right to my own thoughts and feelings.

Good for you!

So every day I notice more and more things others can do for themselves and I let them do it. This mainly applies to my kids, but I have also asked my husband to help put out with little things without any feelings of anxiety or guilt. This is HUGE for me, yet it also feels so natural. The best part is that everyone is much happier.

This seem counter intuitive, doesn't it? But giving them their own responsibility gives them personal ownership of their behavior.

I am not trying to fix him or save him, but I have finally been able to enjoy the good in him and not take the bad personally.

A couple of good books to read on this subject is "I Don't Have to Make Everything all Better" by Gary Lundberg-although it's a bit wordy. And "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narccissist" by Margalis Fjelstad.

The best resources I have found about BPD have been at BPDamily.com, so thank you.

I'm so with you there.

This sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what you want and need. That's pretty impressive.

[Aurylian]

Super news.  Congratulations on breaking through in such a major way.  The people on this site are great at helping you continue on the journey you are now starting.  Be sure there will be ups and downs.

I bent over backwards, gave up every single friend I had, estranged my family, gave up all my interests, put up with endless judgment and criticism, took care of all the household chores, tried to meet all his needs and demands, tried never to disagree with him, and lost myself completely – and he still didn’t show me any empathy.

What do you think about now getting some of these friends and interests back into your life?

[ColdEthyl]

Love it love it love it! Thank you so much for posting your journey with us! It has been a big wake up call for me as well realizing I was co-dependent. I honestly had no idea! It was so freeing the first time I realized I didn't have to take the abuse, and I didn't have to accept my dBPDh's rages personally.

How has he been taking the changes in you?

[formflier]

 



Nice work!

I'm glad you are here.  Can't wait to see your next post. 

Can you tell us about the resources you have been reading?

Can you tell us about your support system... .(other than bpdfamily)

Looking forward to getting to know you!

[Codepender]

OffRoad:  Thank you so much for your reply. Your comment that it seems counter intuitive to let others do things for themselves for their own good really resonated with me. I have encountered zero resistance and a whole lot of hugs since I have actively stopped trying to be responsible for my kids and husband. It is a process, but we are going in the right direction in baby steps. Thank you for the recommendations for the books. I just got the kindle book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist." I am keeping the Gary Lundberg on my list of possible books to order in the future. Thank you for all your validation. That was really nice to get, and it’s also good for me to see validation modeled so I understand what it looks like. These are the tools I will need to improve my own relationships.

Aurylian: It’s still very strange for me to talk about this to others. I feel a bit out of my element allowing myself to confide in and rely on other people, but feeling less alone has really improved my outlook. I am really happy to have found this site. I would love to get some friends and interests back in my life, but so far I am not sure how. My SO is threatened by me having any friends or interests of my own, and I am just not equipped to deal with that issue yet. As I get healthier, hopefully I will find a way. Do you have any advice?

ColdEthyl: Isn’t it amazing that realizing you have a problem is actually freeing? I am so happy for you. It is awesome to be able to talk to others going through this. My husband has been taking the changes in me really well because he has no idea what I am doing  He doesn’t know anything about my re-birthday. He would make it about him, but this time, I am focusing on myself. He has always gotten defensive when I have asked to seek therapy in the past, so this time I am not asking his permission or letting him try to derail my progress. I realized I have the right to get help without his approval. Since he would never approve of it before, I let that stop me.

Formflier: Right now my support system consists of two cousins that I recently reconnected with, a therapist I will meet next week, and this forum. It’s a start. I have lived a very isolated life for many years. I never thought I needed a support system before, but now I am actively working on it. What kind of support system do you have? What kind of people do you look for to surround yourself with?  

I have been a bit obsessed with reading about narcissism and codependency on the internet. I can’t even remember all the resources I went to. I have gotten several books, but haven’t read them yet. Some of the resources I bookmarked because I found them the most useful (aside from the bpdfamily resources)  were:

How to Handle Controlling Behavior in a Relationship

www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/broken-heart/controlling-behavior-in-a-relationship

What is Gaslighting?

www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/

[Panda39]

I’ve been married for sixteen tumultuous, painful years. We’ve had the same fights over and over for years, and I always end up apologizing and promising to do better next time so we won’t keep having the same problems; but I was never able to “fix” myself enough. I have felt increasingly anxious, insecure, resentful, crazy, alone, stupid, and unhappy. I remember myself as a carefree, happy, outgoing person who loved life, and I cannot figure out where that person went.

Nine days ago, I hit rock bottom. I actually always wondered where my breaking point was, and I finally found it. The issue that triggered it wasn’t major; I just fell into a deep bout of the worst depression I have ever had over something quite trivial. I lied in the dark crying for three hours and convinced myself I had been delusional all my life for believing I could ever accomplish what I hoped to. My husband never came to see if I was ok, and later I made a snide remark to him about not caring about me. He told me I was being passive aggressive again (which I was) so I told him I was sorry and I would do better (as usual). He said “good”, and walked away.

That was when I woke up. I call it my re-birthday. I had been waiting for sixteen years for my husband to show me some sign he really cared about me. I bent over backwards, gave up every single friend I had, estranged my family, gave up all my interests, put up with endless judgment and criticism, took care of all the household chores, tried to meet all his needs and demands, tried never to disagree with him, and lost myself completely – and he still didn’t show me any empathy. So I googled how a spouse could have no empathy, and everything pointed to narcissism or BPD. I honestly don’t know if he is a narcissist or has BPD, or if there is a major difference, but in reading about it, my whole world changed.

I realized I put up with everything he did because he made me feel like I deserved it. He felt I deserved the abuse I got so he could treat me that way with no remorse - and that was the end of that.

I became aware of his tricks, and suddenly he was not the only person in my head anymore. I was there too now, and I knew I didn’t deserve to be treated badly. I know that no one deserves that treatment. I want him to tell me how he feels, but he does not have to right to make me feel I am to blame. I suddenly realized I had rights. I had the right NOT be emotionally abused. I also realized I had the right to my own thoughts and feelings.

Since then I have felt a sense of inner peace that I have longed for and thought I would never feel again. As the days go by, I read relentlessly and obsessively about narcissism and BPD, getting more and more clarity, and feeling more in touch with my own thoughts and feelings, and I feel my inner stability and peace grow.

Everything I read said there is no help for a narcissist or someone with BPD. It is incurable and anyone near them should run away asap. I was determined to leave my husband as soon as possible. I could not wait for my freedom. I wanted to save my children from my husband. I was terrified they were going to be like him or damaged by him in other ways, and I wanted to make everything better for them and for me. I haven’t said a word to my husband or kids about all that I am going through or my plans to leave. I know better than to reveal too much to a narcissist until I have all my ducks in a row.

I felt a sense of superiority for seeing my husband for who he was. Noticing all his little tricks and laughing inside when he tried them, while I just kind of nodded and smiled at him. As I gain a greater insight into the problem, I see my part in it. I am co-dependent. I am looking at my own life and the part my childhood played in how I developed. I am realizing I have many of the same issues to work through as my husband. I thought he was the only one damaging our kids. To my horror, I saw that I have been doing damage to my own children as well. I have quiet, complacent, “well adjusted” kids. They are completely controlled and “happy.”  

I realized I have control issues. I use kindness and favors to get people to like me and do what I want. I am always anxious about what other people think of me, and I rely on external sources for self-esteem. I realized I use others to fill my inner void. What others thought of me was everything. I could not say “no” to anyone or disagree with anyone. I knew some of this already, and I had always viewed my willingness to put others first as my best quality. I now see it gave me a sense of superiority and specialness. I was a martyr and a savior. I thought I was so strong for being able to do so much for others, while selflessly giving up my own needs. I thought that everyone should love me for this. I now see that I was being just as self-centered as my husband was and I was using people to fulfill for my own needs.

I have always done everything for everyone, and although I have tried in the past to stop doing this, I have always felt too guilty to make it last. Since my re-birth day, I have instinctively been getting my kids (ages 9 and 11) and husband to help around the house. I ask them nicely to do their own dishes and tidy up their own spaces. I leave their clothes on the floor, and I leave their dishes for them to do. This would have eaten me up inside before, and but now it eats me up when I notice that I do anything they could have done themselves. So every day I notice more and more things others can do for themselves and I let them do it. This mainly applies to my kids, but I have also asked my husband to help put out with little things without any feelings of anxiety or guilt. This is HUGE for me, yet it also feels so natural. The best part is that everyone is much happier.

I don’t know what the future holds for my husband and I, but I know that I need to keep listening to my inner voice and trusting my instincts. That is all I need to work on; the rest is out of my control. YAY! My instincts tell me my husband is hurting and feeling alone, and I feel empathy for him for the first time in years. I do not feel the least bit responsible for him though. I am not trying to fix him or save him, but I have finally been able to enjoy the good in him and not take the bad personally.

I am now consciously trying to live by the motto “What others think is none of my business” and I have been so much happier. I have an appointment with a therapist next week, and I am determined to keep working on building a support system to get myself emotionally healthier. The best resources I have found about BPD have been at BPDamily.com, so thank you.

It's like the paparazzi in here... .light bulbs going off everywhere! 

I've been where you were... .welcome back to the land of the living! Go after the life you want, the life you deserve! 

[Codepender]

Thank you! It's nice to be back! I want to go after the life I want. As soon as I figure out how, I am there. What kind of progress do most people make toward getting their life back after that light bulb goes off?

[Codepender]

Aside from this site, these were two of the best resources I found:

Speak Out Loud

www.speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/one-sided-power-games

Angriesout

www.angriesout.com/narcissism-3.htm

[formflier]

Formflier: Right now my support system consists of two cousins that I recently reconnected with, a therapist I will meet next week, and this forum. It’s a start. I have lived a very isolated life for many years. I never thought I needed a support system before, but now I am actively working on it. What kind of support system do you have? What kind of people do you look for to surround yourself with?  

I'm glad you are building a comprehensive support system.   I like to use the three legged stool anaology.  bpdfamily is one of the legs. 

Generally speaking... .a T is another leg.

Solid group of friends/family to have a life with is another leg.  IMO... the best use of family/friends is not to discuss r/s issues... but to live your life... .be fulfilled and recharged.  Yes it's important to have a couple of friends you can be open and honest with... but if all of your family and friends are intimately involved in your r/s issues... .you never get time away from r/s issues.

I look for a variety of people... .and also try to enjoy the variety that just "pop into" my life.  Right now there is a new family that moved in down the street... .they have 8 kids as well.  Our kids have been playing together... .  Yes... .it turns the place into a bigger zoo... .but adds spice to life.


Thanks for responding to the questions... .looking forward to more posts!

ff

[formflier]

What kind of progress do most people make toward getting their life back after that light bulb goes off?

It's all over the place... .right now... .you seem to be in the phase (as I remember my own journey)... .of reading everything I can get my hands on.  It's such a new world.

At some point you will settle down into "marathon mode"... .right now I suspect you are still sprinting.

Sprinting is fine... .for now.  Right now you probably "know" what you have read... .you are processing it.  After being on this site for a while... .trying tools out... .you will begin to "understand" what you are really dealing with and why the tools work.

For instance:  For me... .when I survived my first extinction burst... .it was a huge moment.  The tools worked... .our r/s was better.  It played out in textbook fashion.  Honestly... .I was incredulous... .  But... .I was empowered by that event to press forward... .to try harder... .with the knowledge that I had power to affect my r/s in a positive way.

[Stalwart]

Wow Codepender:

Awesome posts and some great responses. Happy rebirthday.

I don't know what I find more powerful about your story, the sixteen years of hurt you've managed to break free of or your own intricate awareness of yourself. Both are inspirational though.

At one point you're planning your escape plan and another it would appear as though you're rebuilding what you have. Have you come to terms with the direction and WHY you want to take the direction you've taken? Have you come to a vision of what you want your future to be?

"What kind of progress do most people make toward getting their life back after that light bulb goes off?"

I've been, like you, on a real intense learning process for three years and everyday brings small and positive changes and hopes. After three years they've actually culminated in huge and positive changes overall. It creeps up on you and 'ba-bam' you start you know it's all working. Not to have that confused with perfection in a relationship or the possibility that there won't be regressions of some kind. There are moments in the best of relationships and it has to always be a work in progress, stagnation and complacency is what begins the process of degeneration.

Two things (in answer to your question) I'd like to throw in from my own positive experience forward from, like you, crawling out of Dante's Inferno:

It's really important to read quality information and be steered both in a direction that's affirmative and positive for you as well as for your husband and children if you're staying. Nope, there is no fixing him but you're doing a heck of a job at fixing you and interacting in a better way to help steer him in a better direction and bring harmony to your home and family. That's impressive and that's the secret to success. Knowing small steps are good steps is also the best way I've found to keep my balance on a new path that isn't familiar to my past hiking experiences in this relationship.

The second little bit of advice after learning as much as you can that will better help you understand his challenged thinking and empathize with that in a positive way is exactly that statement: POSITIVE. It's empowering. The old adage "Positive begets positive and negative begets negative" is my compass and defines every situation and issue I face with my interactions with my wife. That's not always natural or easy, but it is accomplishable. Turning what comes into your face that starts out negative and being able to re-steer it with a positive is affective and affirmative. Not engaging in negatives is empowering. A tricky balance while keeping your own morals and compass on path as well and not compromising yourself or what you know is good inside yourself and has to be kept.

Knowing that you can't change the wind is one thing and it's so necessary to know, but realizing you have the developed skill and learned ability to sit at the helm, readjust the sail and steer the rudder in a better direction regardless of the wind - that's everything to making positive change. The change you've found and have really, really done so well with Codepender. I'll bet you're really proud of your accomplishments and you should be - after sixteen years you so deserve to be.

Great post Codepender and you GO girl, for you, for your kids and for him. One thing for certain, doing it and finding it for you will affect doing it better for them as well.

Really inspirational sweetheart.

Rick.

[formflier]

What is Gaslighting?

www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/

Codepender,

For your information... .and for all the others that may read this thread.  I wanted to let everyone know that gaslighting is a term we really try to shy away from on bpdfamily.

At bpdfamily we totally understand why some would want to use this term to describe how a pwBPD traits is acting around them and affecting them, however we feel that it is most likely a combination of emotional instability and projection that combines to give this feeling... .rather than true gaslighting.

You did bring this up in context of answering a question that I asked and that is totally fine.  I just wanted to make you aware of our views on the term and ask that it not be used in the future on bpdfamily.

If you have further questions about this or any other moderating issue at bpdfamily I am more than happy to address it.

Thanks

Keep up the good work!  

FF