Future Fiance

[lillian2005]

Where do I start?... .Deep breath

My romantic partner of almost 1 year has very high traits of BPD, it started to become obvious as our relationship got serious and deeper and therefore there was always something so little that will cause my BPD lover to have outbursts if things I did or said that might have offended him, even the littlest arguments or decisions. My opinion is never valued nor is there compromises. Literally every week a problem will come up and he is just ready to leave me because he thinks we are two different people and that's why we are having problems, and I explain over and over "these are not problems, you are over dramatizing everything" after a while he admitted he has anger problems and that he appreciates my patience, he has very high trust issues and becomes easily suspicious, has regular anxiety, he is very alert and observant, his rage is too intense, and short tempered, blames everything on me, and im the problem, and assumes I'm always lying or giving excuses. He can never understand my side of things and can never understand me. He is always ready to leave but I always try to help him emotionally and stay patient till he is thinking straight and regrets over dramatizing the situation. After all the BPD traits I have pointed out. I still wish to stay with him and work things out and stay patient. Because underneath all that he is a loving, carrying, compassionate person, his happy chappy when there's no drama, his a very joyful loving person when drunk his at his happiest when drunk and very apologetic and very admitting to his mistakes. He does admit his faults and apologizes when he says something out of line. He tells me he has no control of this behavior and that his trying his best. I still love him very deeply and im trying every way to help the situation ease, I use validation very often (technique from Loving someone with BPD) and I have recently purchased (stop walking on eggshells) to help me understand what is happening and how I can deal with it and I have absolute hope and I'd feel very terrible if I abandoned him for something he has no control over. Iv told him that he should seek professional help but he becomes very angry at this suggestion and thinks his normal.

Is there anyone here with a similar situation and what techniques do you use to ease the situation and techniques to avoid arguments... .Does he get better over time or does he get worse? Is this possible to ease without professional help, and with me getting professional advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hello lillian2005

Welcome to bpdfamily!

We are glad you are here and looking to improve your skills and relationship with your fiance. 

I'm not a regular on this board and I do know that how you describe your interactions with your fiancé are common.  His inability to use reason and logic while taking into account how he feels is a hallmark of BPD. 

You have read an excellent book "Loving Someone with BPD" and SWOES is pretty good too!  Using validation is a must and honing that skill can help further.  I encourage you to read the Lessons to the right of the page and begin to gain some new insights on what else you can do to better communicate with your fiancé. 

The Staying Board members use the highest level of skill to improve self, their relationships, and model these skills for their BPD loved one.  They can help you achieve this as well.

lbjnltx

[Heldfast]

Ok, start marshaling all your forces here. The engagement was the trigger where everything went wrong for me. My exfiancee immediately began to devalue me once the chase was over, began having high anxiety over the wedding, got hit with heavy fibromyalgia pains, began depression sleeping, etc. Be ready for the stresses that come with it, be ready to be your most empathic, caring self. Don't get me wrong, I love that you are doing this, I love that you are thinking long term, but it is going to open up a new can of worms. I wish Ihad known earlier about her BPD, I miss my ex, I hate that she's gone, and that it was an act of love on my part that drove her away. So be ready for that first big push that will likely result from something this big. Maybe line up a couple's counselor now, and let him or her know in advance what you expect to be dealing with. Good luck! And please keep posting!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi lillian2005, 



I understand that coping with BPD behaviors can be very frustrating.    There are many people on this board that are going through similar situations with their person with BPD (pwBPD).

As lbjnltx mentioned, you have some really useful tools under your belt from reading, Loving Someone with BPD and Stop Walking on Eggshells. The tools in those books really do help.

The motto on the Staying board, is "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse."  This motto is what I like to think of as the foundation of my relationship improvement. 

Prior to learning communication techniques, I would argue back and forth with my bf. It would leave both of us ending up being frustrated and upset. After learning communication techniques, I was able to have discussions with minimal arguing.  If the conversation turns heated, I tell my bf that I will talk to him later when he is less upset. 

What do you usually do if a conversation becomes heated or very intense?

Although we do not have the ability to change our pwBPD's behavior, we can change ours. Changing our own behavior and the way we perceive things truly makes a difference in improving our relationship with our pwBPD.

I cannot say for sure if your pwBPD's behaviors will get worse over time or decrease. The scope of BPD is based on individual factors.  Although seeking professional help or therapy can help with curbing or changing maladaptive behaviors. 

As I suggested before, changing our behavior and how we interact with our pwBPD does cause less chaos and this is true even for those pwBPD who are not in treatment.  Learning about BPD helps us understand the behavior. From learning about the behaviors of BPD, I can almost depersonalize most of my bf's frustrating behavior, such as projection.  Also learning about the disorder, can help us learn to support our pwBPD.  Here is an article that has really helped me.

Supporting your BPD partner

Looking forward to reading your response. 

[formflier]

 

I want to join the others and welcome you as well!

bpdfamily was critical in turning my r/s (relationship) around.   I believe it can do the same for you.

FF

[lillian2005]

At first in the beginning of our relationship i would argue back and forth with him to get my point across, he would get heated about the subject and ill have attitude towards him by the time his still going on about a situation, this made things 'worse', i then started using the validating technique long before reading the books and articles on how to cope with these situations, it does work, but there is sacrifices where i have to work around his needs, I'v tried setting boundaries which i still cannot master yet, his very stubborn and accuses my reasons for being excuses, he can 'never' 'ever' compromise with me and even care about my feelings on how i feel about a situation. Example he became very jealous of the attachment i have with a very close friend, and demanded to disconnect my communications with her, this was very upsetting and couldn't believe he would push me away from people i care about, towards family he does not try to push me away, but because it was a close 'friend' it was some one outside the family, i asked why do you want to push me away from her his reason was because i vent and tell her all my relationship problems to her and he feels like there is a third person in the relationship, he feels like there is always a third opinion and a third voice. I understood where he was coming from i wouldn't want to share my relationship with one of his guy mates either, so i backed off, i told him give me time he demanded no now, he had warned me to stop previously to back away which i didn't listen to there for he was demanding on the friendship to end. I couldn't understand still because, if i know a friend of his makes him happy, i wouldn't go in between them and cause separations between the both. Some parts of his actions are immature and insecure, he wants to provide for my emotional needs and communication needs, which he doesn't succeed at.

As for the engagement period, all the decisions are based on his, if i have an opinion, he doesn't take them into account, and does little things so i don't get my way example, the engagement small ceremony that will be having at my house is in 3 weeks, i wanted it to be one week ago, he wanted it 3 weeks after just so i don't get my way but he gave out a clue that he wanted it early too, because i asked him would you want it early because now we have to wait, he said yes but just didn't want you to get your way. FRUSTRATING. I thought whether now or 3 weeks times its the same thing so just agree go ahead with it save yourself the headache its nothing!

But then i start thinking, my god, does that mean i'm never going to get my way if i always have to compromise to his wants and needs. Do i have to put up a fight until he starts to give up on decision making. I'm really worried.

After finding about BPD i realized not only my fiance has this, but my father, my brother inlaw, my cousin inlaw, and my uncles and and my grandfather all have BPD and BPD traits, and all my situations are understood by my sister and cousin who is married to a BPD man, this gave me comfort and understanding. And somewhat hope because my father has eased up with my mother, and you can say the worst would be my grandfather because my grandmother has been through so much with him that i could never handle. TOUGH LADY

My cousin laughed and said, Lillian they wont change after marriage, trust me.

I hope with the skills of BPD FAMILY that has provided us i can ease the situations and ease the fights, and still succeed in keeping my boundaries. Maybe after a while he will change, but lets not hope for that . But atleast makes it less emotionally stressful for me.

After all, BPD are basically desperate for emotional stability and seek a caretaker. Validating... .


PS. Heldfast, My fiance has began devaluing be, i don't take it serious, they are in a blind state when they do this. and after they have calmed down they do regret it. And i guess you'd have to go on her pace of getting married, maybe she needs a long engagement for it to sink in the fact that she will be married one day. And i guess show her all the happy couples with kids and suggest things like i cannot wait till we can do this when where married... . i don't know if you use to already do that, but BPD have a hard time on being positive and relaxing themselves. Maybe what i'm saying won't work either. Everyone's different.

[lillian2005]

And also i'm loving the support on This site, who ever thought There is a Whole site dedicated to BPD. So thankful. 

[formflier]

And also i'm loving the support on This site, who ever thought There is a Whole site dedicated to BPD. So thankful. 

Yes!     

This site was part of a support system that has helped change my life and my r/s. 

Are you ready to get to work to change yours!  ?

[formflier]

Lilian2005,

Great job on your few first posts!     Keep it up!

There is enough good information here to get you pointed in the right direction.

What you said in your quote below caught my eye.

 I'v tried setting boundaries which i still cannot master yet,  

Boundaries are critical to "dealing with" pwBPDtraits.  

What I'm going to suggest is that you start a whole new topic on your boundaries... .so we can focus on that.  They are that important

Plus... it's good to get you practice starting new threads... and figuring out how this system works.

So... .assignment one!  Start a new thread "Need help... my attempts at boundaries are not working!"

Please post an example with details!  I'll be on the lookout for your new thread! 

Last thing... .here are two very important lessons for you to read.  Go ahead and start your new thread.  Then spend time in these lessons... .come back and post in that thread about your impressions of what you read in the lessons.

Click here for lesson 1 for Lillian

Lillian lesson 2

FF