My wife punched me in the back and said she wants a divorce

[mtview]

all out of the blue, more or less. Things have been pretty calm for a bunch of days in a row and now this, as I was trying to sleep. She also said she is disgusted by me and doesn't love me anymore. Just out of the blue. She is really unstable. Is this BPD or something else? Sorry if anyone wants more details just ask me. All we were doing was trying to get our son to sleep. I don't have much energy to write more right now, I really need help but I don't think I'm gonna get any ever it seems.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

whatever the issue... .I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.  Please tell us more about your situation.  I know that we can't make everything "right" but we sure can help make things less difficult.  Have you checked out the lessons and suggested readings?  It may help you sort through some of what you're experiencing.  We're here for you... .and hope that you can take some time to express more of what is happening in your life that brought you to this forum.

[mtview]

I just noticed the response to my post, thank you so much. I don't know where to start other than my wife is really unstable. I'm noticing a pattern of all of a sudden things will seem fine and a string of days in a row wil be without her acting very unbalanced. She has to smoke weed all day long every single day just to function halfway correctly. She is also on prescribed medicine. She does not go to therapy but I believe she needs it incredibly bad. After tonight I'm going to try to sign myself up for therapy. I have no one to talk to about this she acts. I feel really trapped and I'm not gonna let this happen to myself again. This cake up out of nowhere. I'll describe the scene if you want but trust me it makes no sense. I don't understand, I wish she was a normal adult. I have a wife that is very unstable and it is incredibly hard to deal with. We have an incredibly beautiful and happy son that is twenty months old and she is ruining our beautiful family. She is sick and I can't stand dealing with this.

[JeanSchimmel]

mtview I'm new here and I can't give your help, but I'm definitely interested in your story, if you feel like sharing.

[Panda39]

Hi mtview 

I'd like to join everyone else and welcome you to the BPD Family. 

I'm sorry to hear everything has been so unpredictable and difficult with your wife. I think it's a great idea for you to connect with a therapist.  They should be able to help you sort out what is going on and help you with some tools to help when your wife is causing you stress.

Does your wife have BPD? I don't know I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis, but you could learn more about BPD by clicking on the "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?" in the box to  the right ------>

Let us know if you think the descriptions fits your wife.

I'm glad you've found us.  I have found the members here to be a really great resource for information, support and ideas, I hope you do too.

After you've read about BPD and when you have time and energy (bet your son keeps you busy!) come back and tell us a little more of your story... .

How long have you been together?  Did you notice the unstable behavior early on or is this something new?  Do you have a support system... .family... .friends?

Hang in there,

Panda39

[vortex of confusion]

Hi Mtview!

That sounds like a very confusing situation to be in, especially when that stuff happens out of the blue like that. Has she physically assaulted you before? One of the first things to consider is whether or not you and your son are safe. Is physical violence towards you or your child a regular occurrence or is this the first time it happened?

I would like to second what Rockylove said about the lessons. You might want to check out the Lesson on Surviving Confrontation and Disrespect https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191

There is a section there on domestic violence towards men.

[NGU]

Mtview:

You mentioned that your situation doesn't make sense. Please understand that it will make sense to people here.

I went back over your earlier posts to get a better grasp of what's going on. It sounds like she has repeatedly threatened you with divorce. It also seems like your mood dips along with hers. Here's what you wrote a month ago:

There were times when I literally would try to write something on this website but I had no energy to write. Or, I would navigate and try to log in, and I was unable to find out how to post here in my deep sorrow. It was like my brain couldn't function properly and all I wanted to do was tell my story or talk to someone or read someone's response but I almost never got through to do that and instead would cry at my desk and go to sleep.

Handling this is tough, although you're not starting from scratch at this point. You've found this forum. You've started writing out details. You acknowledge she has a pattern of negative behaviors versus thinking she's 100% bad all the time ("awfulizing". She's on medication.   

Panda and Vortex suggested the Lessons. Learning more about BPD will help you match her behaviors with the diagnosis. That in turn will give you a better perspective on what you're dealing with, since it seems like your confusion is causing some of your pain.

I'm having difficulty putting these three pieces together: You haven't mentioned whether she's been diagnosed with anything... .she's not in therapy... .but she's taking meds. Is she going to a psychiatrist? If not, who's giving her the pills?

Keep writing. Even if it's just a single question. The more you share, the more feedback you'll get.

-NGU

[formflier]

 

NGU is right on point,

More posting and sharing is going to help us point you in the right direction.

I'm going to start out with talking about some things that you can have a 100% success rate on!  Guaranteed to work!  How does that sound?

A bit of background and theory:  A r/s (relationship) has two parts and some togetherness.  Moving any of those in a positive direction... .should bring the others along to somewhat of a better place.

Which of those three do you 100% control?  Hint:  Look in the mirror.

I'm going to describe a "dynamic"... .none of this is assigning "fault".  When your s/o (significant other) does something you don't like... .you react in some way.  It may or may not be "wrong". 

However... .if you make an informed choice to have a different reaction... or choice not to act or react at all... .do you think the "dynamic" will stay the same... or change?

Did you know you were going to have questions to answer? 

Anyway... .notice the word in bold  informed... .that is where bpdfamily excels.  We are going to get you knowledge... .so with some guidance you can make changes for the betterment of your r/s.

Hang in there... .we are rooting for you!   

[Stalwart]

Hey MT:

Glad to see you here and it really is a good place to be if you feel so isolated and confused, both for the lessons and also for the people here that can be such a great support.

I can so feel and relate to exactly where you are. I think most here can. We've all lived our own experiences and experienced different degrees of negative affects but most are in common with them to some extend. There is no doubt about the difficulties and challenges but there can also be positives that can come with time and practice.

Learning is everything and dedicating yourself to that If you choose to stay in the relationship and make it better. That can be done MT.

It's about learning the fears, insecurities, needs and wants your wife experiences and lives with such inward intensity trying to control or deal with. It's about learning everything about this disorder, how if forms, how it affects, what they are but must of all WHY they are and particularly putting that new-found knowledge to play in understanding your wife's thinking and actions.

"It just came out of the blue". That's a lot of our perspectives when we don't yet understand the intricacies. I don't believe anything 'comes out the blue' with a person with this disorder. Something drives every action and interaction what it does do is 'come out of our view.'

One thing I learned for certain and apply MT is that a relationship, any relationship but particularly more important to understand about a borderline relationship is that it is ALWAYS a dance. Even though from time to time we forget to realize that dance is in progress, it always is. Our actions always spawn interactions and reactions to a person that processes nuances differently. There will be a reason why she acted out, lashed out - in her mind there are no 'out of the blues' there are blacks and whites and they are real to her take on situations.

Learning to dance is the secret to any relationship and not just a borderline one. In the case of borderline relationships those are really intensive and extensive dance lessons you have to sign up for and undertake. It is possible when you can identify her feelings and reactions, perspectives and why she has them - when she does and the intensity of fears or insecurities their driven from it's amazing how well you can dance without both of you stepping on each other's toes. It's all about the dynamics (that right now are damaged) and learning to improve the steps on the floor, hey it's every guys place to lead and in doing so your partner may learn to follow.

To you and your perspective you were just putting your son to bed. What was her perspective and what drove her to react the way she did? There will be real reasons in her mind and they won't necessarily be rational to your thinking but one thing for certain, they will be real and intense to hers. It may not even be about that event or moment but it WILL BE. Do you know what that was. Fact is what ever it was, will still be, until you can tackle it and sort it out.

I know how hard, confusing, demoralizing and depressing as well as frightening and disheartening it can be MT. I've also learned how positive and empowering it can be to find a better path for both of you if that's your choice. It only comes with dedication, vision, REASON and really hard work to climb that path and make it happen though.

I really hope that you find the ways to improve your situation if you're staying in it MT and climb your way out of the deep place you're in. You can do that.