One year out

[HappyNihilist]

A few days ago, I passed the one-year mark of the end of my relationship with my exBPDbf. It was a beautiful spring day, and I felt quite happy and at peace. I reflected on things for a bit, and I felt really OK. A twinge of sadness, but a deep sense of calm. So I smiled and went on with my day.

A year ago, I wasn't even sure I'd survive. I certainly didn't want to exist. I felt irreparably broken. I'll never forget how that felt, but it feels light-years away now.

Today I was thinking of how the past year played out for me, emotionally and mentally.

Month 1 - Pure hell, emotional turmoil, wanting to die, blaming myself for everything, beyond confused. I was also suffering PTSD and was incredibly scared and paranoid.

Month 2 - Much better once I started focusing on myself instead of on my ex. I had a lovely period of personal enlightenment. My exbf and I talked a couple of times.

Month 3 - Family trauma and other life stressors came into the picture. I started spiraling into a depression, but didn't quite realize it at the time.

Months 4, 5, and 6 - Bad, bad, dark depressive episode. The worst I've ever had. I had a few absolutely wonderful friends who supported me - I'm not sure I'd be here if it wasn't for them, honestly. My ex contacted me a couple of times during this period, but they were brief and neutral exchanges.

Month 7 - New therapist. The depressive episode finally ended (which was joyous). However, the depression had brought up a bunch of pain and anger from my BPD relationship, so I was a bit prickly and irritable. (My poor friends.) My exbf contacted me once, then disappeared back into the ether. This didn't help my irritability, but hey, it's my own fault.

Month 8 - Feeling much better. Less prickly. Enjoying spending time with myself and discovering myself.

Month 9 - The holidays are always bad for me. Plus wintertime and its lack of sunshine gets me down.

Month 10 - Still no sunshine, but feeling better anyway. I started on a new, challenging project at work, which really energized me. This month is when I really started to feel like "me" again, which is lovely.

Month 11 - My exbf contacted me, and we talked for a bit. He wrote me a long poem full of longing and love, told me that no one could make him happy except me, etc., etc. Then he disappeared again. I found out shortly thereafter (not from him, of course) that he's engaged to and living with my replacement, and they've been engaged for 7 months. I sent him an email wishing him a happy, fulfilling marriage, and don't expect to hear from him again. This whole thing sent me for a crazy emotional loop, but it was also helpful to me.

Month 12 - Continuing to feel better, working on myself and enjoying the process. I've just been savoring how beautiful it is to feel like myself again, while also working to improve on that self. Yes, I'll probably always struggle with depression, but at heart I'm a peaceful, content person. It's been nice to appreciate just how much I prefer this existence to the intensity of my BPD relationship.

I still have bad days, but I feel good now. I feel like me, but a stronger, wiser me. I'm learning how to love and forgive myself. I'm a better person since this happened, and I am honestly thankful I had the opportunity - as painful as it's been.

Thank you to the family here for providing such amazing support and resources. To those of you still deep in the struggle, believe me... .it gets better. 

[Tibbles]

That was wonderful to read. So glad you are in such a good place. 

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you for sharing this    Your posts have helped me a lot in my own journey of healing, and I'm glad to hear that you're on solid, happy, healthy ground!

[Pingo]

HappyNihilist, how wonderful to break it down like that and show those who are just getting out and in those early months of turmoil that things do indeed get better!  So glad you are liking you again and learning to forgive the most important person, you! Thanks for sharing & all the best on your continued road to healing! 

[fromheeltoheal]

Good post Happy, I too am happy you're making it through and out, and it helps folks who are still attached get their head around timeframes and such.  There have been 'urban legends' posted that correlate the amount of time it takes to detach relative to the length of the relationship, which has limited value since everyone's different, but it's nice to know; my relationship was less than a year, and it pretty much took a year to feel 'myself' again after I left her.  I don't remember, how long was yours?

[dobie]

That's great happy   I hope to be joining  you at the finish line I'm on month six myself .

[HappyNihilist]

      

Thank you all so much. Really. You have no idea how much all of you here mean to me.

I'm happy that I can provide some measure of insight, at least from my personal experience. I've never had a relationship cause such emotional devastation - but like I said, I'm so thankful for the opportunity it gave me.

But believe me, I know how difficult, long, and tumultuous the detaching and grieving process is following a disordered relationship, and how different it is from the end of "normal" relationships. Everyone's healing timeframe is unique, but in general these types of relationships take a while to process through.

The important thing is that it does get better. Even when it feels like it never will - it will. Even when we cycle back to a previous stage - this is a process, a journey, and that's just part of it. It's not a setback at all.

I personally found that, when I would "cycle back," it was because I still had things I needed to address and either resolve or accept "as is." I stopped looking at these times as "steps backward" and instead started looking at what my feelings were trying to tell me. With that, I was then able to keep moving forward.

There have been 'urban legends' posted that correlate the amount of time it takes to detach relative to the length of the relationship, which has limited value since everyone's different, but it's nice to know; my relationship was less than a year, and it pretty much took a year to feel 'myself' again after I left her.  I don't remember, how long was yours?

My relationship was just under 2 years.

I agree completely - there's no real formula that can be applied. From reading the boards, it appears that 1-2 years is a reasonable timeframe. But everyone is different.

Again, thank you all... .and I'm so glad if I could help in any way. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it's the warm, comforting light of our own beautiful Selves.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for sharing this!  You have certainly been working hard, that shows, and it has paid off!   

I appreciate reading your story also because it gives me great hope.  While I have been hanging out by these board just about a month or so, I am starting to remember some of the "faces."  When I see your "face" I remember what a great strength and support you always are to others.  I would not have thought that your journey included such lows.  It is good for me to hear how much you have overcome and how you are so strong, yet can also be honest about times when things felt insurmountable.

Thank you for sharing yourself!

[Trog]

Hi HappyNihilist,

Im 11 months and I think these kinds of reads are really important for new people on the board. I remember month 1 as being as close to suicide as I've ever come - actually its the only time I really contemplated suicide, FOG was painful as all hell. I had a similar story last month as well where I actually got some weird kind of closure with exBPD saying I was too good for her (the truth is we are just too messed up for each other, but I'll take any semi-kind word from her) and then going back on that a couple of weeks later and asking me to come home and go to therapy with her but not making any real attempts to engage me. She's now depressed.

Conversely I'm at my highest point so far and am enjoying reading and learning about my thoughts on who I am and the experiences that allowed me to stay in an incredibly crazy (I mean certifiably) relationship with abuse and real harm. I've still got a LOT of work to do but I echo your sentiments, it does does get better and the sooner you can turn the focus onto you the less pain you feel at the minute and the quicker you'll plough thru the other side. Everybody who is reading this, please, read read read about codependency, read eckhardt tolle or similar about how pain bodies are triggered, you'll see yourself and your ex, read codependency no more, read the human magnet syndrone, and get yourself healthy. This relationship, if you're with a BPD was never going to work, let it go and think about you,

[Ex_CB_Partner]

Thanks for sharing that summary. I´m happy that you found to yourself after all.  I´m in month 8 and so far my experiences are quite similar as well as I´m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. That´s something that helps me so much when reading through the discussions on this site. Recognizing that this is real. It helped me to stop telling myself that I just try to find an excuse for not being able to commit enough during the relationship (her standard allegation ) and to handle the consequent breakup. Looking back it appears to be ridiculous that I believed that... .

[downwhim]

Thank you HappyN for sharing your journey. I have enjoyed reading all of your posts. You have put in the hard work so you deserve this happiness. Amazing how strong you were with L/C. I just keep thinking if I had any contact at all I would slip back somehow. But, as you said, you dust yourself off and learn from the experience.

I hope you continue to post and share your thoughts. You give me hope at 6 months out. I thought I would be way past the depression part but it still lingers and stabs at me at times. Now I know this is still normal. You have great insight.

 

[Invictus01]

Glad to hear you are doing much better. Personally, I can't wait for that 12 month mark. I am working on the month #5 and while there is no comparison to month #1 (pure hell is a good way to describe THAT crazy time), I just want to get rid of thoughts about her and just get the normal me back... .

[Copperfox]

Good for you, HN. It really is a journey, isn't it. We followed Alice down the rabbit hole, and came out the other side  

[fromheeltoheal]

It helped me to stop telling myself that I just try to find an excuse for not being able to commit enough during the relationship (her standard allegation ) and to handle the consequent breakup. Looking back it appears to be ridiculous that I believed that... .

It does make sense from a borderline's perspective though, someone who is focused on attachments full time and absolutely requires them.  You need to be her's, all her's, all the way, that psychic fusing that creates one self out of two; we could never get that close and it's unhealthy anyway, and good for you for getting out and now seeing it as ridiculous.