Why can't I learn to keep my mouth shut?

[ViaCrusis1689]

Ugh, I am so frustrated with myself right now. My mom caught me in the middle again and I opened my big mouth.

A little back story: my little sister has a job this summer near a big city, and my dad wants to take her to see the area in the short time she has between school ending and her job beginning. I asked her if I could come with (I am still living at home due to a disability). She didn't come out and say it, but I know my sister... .she doesn't want me to go. Fine, her choice, but the subject came up tonight with uBPDDm, and I said I thought she didn't want uBPDm to go because she doesn't want me to go (I can't be home alone for 2 days, just isn't possible).

Big mistake saying that! I got grilled for five minutes by uBPDm wanting to know exactly what was said, when, and why. Geez, it's not like I had 1,000 other conversations since then; I don't freakin' remember! So now she'll be ticked at both of us for the foreseeable future, though my sister is at college, and has no clue this happened. But then uBPDm just told me that she asked sis if she was allowed to tag-a-long on the trip and sis said yes, apparently, so I hope sis didn't feel pressured into it as she told uBPDm that I wanted to come so it might as well be a family thing. Of course, uBPDm always manipulates to get what she wants.

So I am feeling like I royally messed up, and I should have known not to open my mouth at all with uBPDm, but I don't know how to keep conversations neutral when I live with her. I always seem to say something that sets her off or, more recently, ends up in a circular argument as uBPDm is ALWAYS right, even when she is wrong.

[Suzn]

Ugh I hate when this happens too. Open mouth, get caught off guard. I've done this too many times to count and end up feeling blind sided. 

the subject came up tonight with uBPDDm, and I said I thought she didn't want uBPDm to go because she doesn't want me to go (I can't be home alone for 2 days, just isn't possible).

The first part is assumption, we think we know what another person is thinking because that's how we would be thinking. Bpd or not, we don't all think the same way. We have have reasons we want or don't want certain things and sometimes we don't express them clearly. Your sister didn't really say why so you are left with assuming why.

The second part here is practical, you can't be left alone for two days. Your mother on the other hand is now likely feeling she can't be left alone but it's for a whole different reason. Her abandonment fear has been triggered.

uBPDm always manipulates to get what she wants.

Yep, she wants to avoid feeling unwanted and abandoned so she has learned how to manipulate.

I always seem to say something that sets her off or, more recently, ends up in a circular argument as uBPDm is ALWAYS right, even when she is wrong.

These conversations, that end up becoming arguments trigger us too. This is why they become arguments. Something trips one of our triggers and we react. Been there. Still there sometimes with my mom.

I don't know if you have checked out the workshop board here yet ViaCrusis but there's a really good starter video to help and the article below it is really helpful. I just re-read it myself, it's here:

Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

There are communication skills we have to learn and get comfortable with using to help us communicate with a pwBPD so that they aren't triggered and in turn we aren't triggered. I'm brushing up myself. I'm curious to know what you think of this.

[ViaCrusis1689]

The first part is assumption, we think we know what another person is thinking because that's how we would be thinking. Bpd or not, we don't all think the same way. We have have reasons we want or don't want certain things and sometimes we don't express them clearly. Your sister didn't really say why so you are left with assuming why.

The second part here is practical, you can't be left alone for two days. Your mother on the other hand is now likely feeling she can't be left alone but it's for a whole different reason. Her abandonment fear has been triggered.

I am unsure if I could characterize it as an assumption as I know my sister and when I did ask her about going, she reacted the way she always does when she really doesn't know how to say no, but I get your point.

These conversations, that end up becoming arguments trigger us too. This is why they become arguments. Something trips one of our triggers and we react. Been there. Still there sometimes with my mom.

I don't know if you have checked out the workshop board here yet ViaCrusis but there's a really good starter video to help and the article below it is really helpful. I just re-read it myself, it's here:

Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

There are communication skills we have to learn and get comfortable with using to help us communicate with a pwBPD so that they aren't triggered and in turn we aren't triggered. I'm brushing up myself. I'm curious to know what you think of this.

I did check the video out and the S.E.T. steps make a lot of since, but I am still trying to learn and be conscious of what triggers her. I just need to remember not to be pulled into the middle of things and ask uBPDm to discuss it directly with the person herself. I am realizing she likes to triangulate all of the time as I am the one always around, but I know I cannot be in the middle of these conflicts between my sisters and my dad and her, even when I have the strong opinions and are tempted to share them with her.

[Suzn]

Big mistake saying that! I got grilled for five minutes by uBPDm wanting to know exactly what was said, when, and why. Geez, it's not like I had 1,000 other conversations since then; I don't freakin' remember!

Isn't this the conflict? You say something innocently enough, she jumps on it. She's triggered. Did this trigger anything in you?

My mother is dismissive so any time I confront her about her behavior she'll end up saying "whatever". She will not see her side and be dismissive as if I have nothing to be upset about, that is my trigger and I have gotten upset. I have reacted, even recently, it went nowhere. I want to be heard and I have to get it through my head she will not hear me in the manner I am approaching her. My skills with her are lacking for sure that's why I'm brushing up.

[ViaCrusis1689]

Big mistake saying that! I got grilled for five minutes by uBPDm wanting to know exactly what was said, when, and why. Geez, it's not like I had 1,000 other conversations since then; I don't freakin' remember!

Isn't this the conflict? You say something innocently enough, she jumps on it. She's triggered. Did this trigger anything in you?

My mother is dismissive so any time I confront her about her behavior she'll end up saying "whatever". She will not see her side and be dismissive as if I have nothing to be upset about, that is my trigger and I have gotten upset. I have reacted, even recently, it went nowhere. I want to be heard and I have to get it through my head she will not hear me in the manner I am approaching her. My skills with her are lacking for sure that's why I'm brushing up.

Yes, you are correct. It triggered frustration as I felt trapped as I didn't know how to defuse the conflict. I did say I didn't remember, and she said "well, it must have been [said] when I wasn't around." I think she tries to extract more details to try to catch me off guard so I divulge more of what is said between me and other family members (and this happens all of the time).

Recently she was dumbfounded that I did not tell her and my dad my friend (who I have known since we were babies, so they know her well too) was pregnant until my friend announced it on Facebook, though my friend had told me five weeks before. I made the mistake of mentioning I had known for a while. My friend asked me not to say anything, so I of course didn't. It got worse when she found out another friend of mine had also known as I had and told her mom right away (who is a friend of my uBPDm). So I just said it was not my place to tell her before my friend wanted everyone to know and left it at that.

So I am trying to keep our discussions simple and not keep defending my opinion, though I find this hard to do when she is obviously wrong about something.