Replaced... in front of my eyes

[Fr4nz]

Hello all from Italy!

I am lurking this beautiful forum since mid February; now, after reading tons of invaluable information I feel ready to share my story, where I'll recount the ~1.5 years relationship I had with an (undiagnosed) exBPDGF... .and the shocking way through which she replaced me with a new guy at the beginning of February... .in front of my eyes!

I excuse me for the lenght of the post (I had to split it into two different messages).

Quick intro: I live in Italy, I'm 32 years old and from mid-July 2013 I had a "medium-distance" relationship (~250 km distance, I live in Venice, she lives in Florence) with a woman having my same age. This relationship lasted around 1.5 years (i.e., it "unofficially ended on the 31st of December 2014... .yeah, what a nice new year!). After the end of our relationship we had an incredible aftermath that lasted around 2 months, where I finally realized her BPD traits.

Let's start with the story... .I'll divide it in sections, so to make the presentation as much clear as possible

If you want to skip directly towards the shocking, incredible aftermath... .just go to the "Aftermath" section.



Prologue

I'll start from a point in time which happens before the beginning of my relationship (December 2012): I knew my BPDexgf through a girlfriend of her. This friend was working in my city at that time and I got a pretty bad crush for her. She was kind of reciprocating, so, at the end of December I went to visit her for 2 days in Florence.

During those two days I was kindly hosted by my BPDexGF, so I knew her in this way (Note: she lives alone and she hosted me without knowing me beforehand!).

At the end of the first day we (me, my exBPDgf and her girlfriend) had a very nice evening where we attended some nice resturants/pubs, and we drank a lot as well. When we came back at exBPDgf's home, I collapsed on the sofa and my exBPDgf (which was quite drunk) collapsed ON me! She immediately started to touch me everywhere but I did not react, since I was focused on her friend. To be honest, my exBPDgf is very good-looking, so I was quite tempted :D

Nonetheless, her behaviour seemed to me quite odd, since she knew I was going after her friend AND that was the very first day we knew each other! WOW! Keep this in mind when you start reading the aftermath section... .

Anyway, in the end nothing happened and I spent the second day just with her girlfriend: we visited some monuments and then I went back to Venice at the end of the day.

What struck me about my exBPDgf at that time was that - apart from the fact she was very good-looking - she was extremely outgoing, nice and funny.

Fast forward 4 months (April 2013): In February I saw in Facebook that my exBPDgf was engaged with some guy. I was still focused on her friend, so I was not much interested on her. Anyway, in April I got news that my exBPDgf decided to leave that guy, since he was a coke addict and an alcoholic; unfortunately, at the same time she discovered she was pregnant and decided to have an abortion: this event represented a huge shock for her.



The beginning (or, the "honeymoon phase"

Fast forward 2 months: (mid-June 2013): At the beginning of May I asked both my exBPDgf and her girlfriend to come visit me for 5 days in the city I was working - at that time I was working abroad as part of my Ph.D. duties. We agreed they would come in mid-June.

However, in the end only my exBPDgf was able to come. Also, between May and mid-June we maintained contact via Skype, where we had some nice friendly chats.

Mid-June arrived and she came visit me: after 5 hours the plane landed, we were kissing each other and having repeatedly amazing sex. I simply couldn't believe what was happening! :D

Apart from the characteristics I mentioned before, what immediately struck me about her during those five incredible days were the following facts: she was very clever, very good culture, incredibly passionate, amazing sex, incredibly outgoing and *outstanding* social skills (although, with time, I realized she had almost zero "true friends"... .a feature that almost all borderlines share, apparently, due to their inability in maintaining longlasting relationships).

During those 5 days, however, I also noticed some serious red flags (which I obviously decided to ignore at that time... .): she immediately fell in love with me (!), she wanted to get pregnant the second time we had sex (ok, she was quite drunk that night but... .god, you just had an abortion!) and heavy binge drinking; also, when she got drunk, most of the times she was really unmanageable... .like having to cope with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!

Also, almost immediately she started to share many things about her private life; first, she told me she had many men (30+) and that she had only 2 long-lasting relationships: the first one happened when she was young (lasted 3 years), while the second one lasted 4 years and happened between 2005 and 2009. As a consequence, she had many, MANY short relationships between these two long-lasting relationships.

Then, she told me she had a serious motor-scooter accident in 2009 where she almost remained paralyzed; the cause? she was heavily drunk... .

She also told me about the abortion (she was still in shock at that time, and cried when she was telling me what happened) and the story she had with the related guy 2 months before.

Then, she told me about her disfunctional family: his father separated from his mother when she was 7 and he was (IS!) a very neglecting father; as a consequence, she told me she had issues to believe men could love her. On the other hand, her mother was quite rigid and hyper-critical (however, I have to say that when I knew my exBPDgf, her mother was very very  pleasant and kept me in very very good consideration).

Even more: when she was between 14-18 years old, she had very frequent seizures (up to 25 in a single day, poor girl... .) and she had to take medicines in order to keep under control the epilepsy. Due to the epilepsy she therefore had a very difficult adolescence and was overweight. When she turned 18 she unilaterally stopped taking the medicines and when she turned 19 she was almost seizure free and she ended up having a perfect physical shape and could start having a normal life.

So, as you can see, I had in front of me a clear example of a very high-functioning "queen" borderline with a very troubled youth. Unfortunately, at that time I did know nothing about BPD and I was convinced having in front of me an amazing, beautiful, outgoing, creative, intelligent, extroverted girl... .yet with *some problems*.

Since she was pressing for having a relationship with me, I decided it was worth starting a relationship. The 5 days passed, so she went back in Italy and I promised her I would have gone to her home in Florence as soon as I had to go back to Italy.



The second motor-scooter accident

When I came back in Italy at the end of June I went straight to her home; I spent there a very passionate weekend and then we went to Venice at my place, where she stayed with me 1 week (again, passionate week). At the end of that week I brought her back to Florence, we spent there again another weekend and then I came back to Venice for work. In other words, we had 9 days full of passion, and she was clearly idealizing me.

During these days she also immediately introduced me to her mother and she also left at my place some of her dresses (I'd say, she wanted to mark her's territory... .!). I also introduced her to my parents.

After 1 day in Florence alone, she unfortunately had her second motor-scooter accident, again due to heavy drinking. In this accident she broke some bones and had to stay in bed for 2 months.

As a consequence, she spent the whole July in hospital, where I cared about her during the weekends (i.e., when I was not working; I was going every weekend from Venice to Florence, that is, between Friday evening and Monday morning); then, at the beginning of August she came back home and she spent the whole month in bed in order to recover (doctors said she could not walk until a specific bone was recovered). During this period I continued to assist her almost the whole month, together with her mother and her boyfriend, with whom I established a very very nice relationship.

So, as you can see, during this difficult months I REALLY cared about her, she obviously saw this, and it was during this time I truly fell in love with her.

During this time the idealization heavily continued - for obvious reasons, I'd say.


The middle-part of our relationship

From September 2013 my exBPDgf was able to walk again normally and from there on we had a the chance of having a "normal" relationship.

Let's say that between October 2013 and August 2014 we had many intense, beautiful moments. For instance, after about one year we were togheter she wrote me three little poems, where she expressed her enormous love for me and the idea to spend the whole life togheter. I'd say that both sexually and intellectually we made up a quite perfect couple, even if we had a good number of fights between each other (see below).

However, in parallel, let's say starting from October, I also noticed a very gradual shift from the so-called "idealization" phase to the so-called "clinger phase". In other words, even if the idealization towards me continued, some behavioural constants emerged gradually from her side:

• She was constantly stressed by her work. On one hand she liked her work a lot; on the other hand, she didn't like the owner, so she continuosuly was venting about the "bad" things going on at her work place until she left that place (that is, in August 2014).



• she began to fight or criticize me for extremely trivial things; sometimes, as a consequence of the fights, she gave me her version of silent-treatments, i.e., her version was to go to bed and stay there in complete silence for like 1 hour after a fight.



• sometimes, whenever we had to discuss important things she was unable to discuss in a civil manner, i.e., she was unable to listen to my reasons, began talking over me and ended up raising and raising the volume of her voice until it was impossible to have a civil talk; in those cases, we almost always ended up fighting. In many cases she realized her behaviour was not correct and asked me to forgive her.



• Heavy binge drinking: in about 1.5 years of relationship she got drank over 50 times. Probably this was the most big problem. Each time I was going out with her in the evening, for example go to a restaurant, a pub, etc., I was literally scared that she may drink too much and end up drunk. Also, when she got drank most of the times she ended up being completely unmanageable, i.e., she could get angry for anything, yell at me, run away and so on. It was really a NIGHTMARE.



• When I tried to talk with her about her binge-drinking problem she usually got incredibly angry, telling me that I was exploiting her problem with alcohol in order to be right on everything else. Other times, she told me that drinking helped her to switch-off her brain so that she could avoid thinking to the "demons" inside her head.



• Sometimes, she told me that she felt extremely alone/empty, especially when I was not with her. I realize that these feelings are common in borderlines.



• She thought that men are incapable to love her, and she motivated this by saying that her father was the first man to "betray" her. Obviously, she knew this was a completely irrational tought; nonetheless, she was incapable of really trusting the love of men.



• In many cases she was not able to sleep the whole night, she was kind of hyperactive. It seems that during the night she thinks about her "demons".

Perhaps I'm forgetting minor things, however, these points make up pretty well her main behavioural constants. I recognize now that these points constitute BPD traits.


The end

After August 2014 she quit her job since she was extremely stressed by it. From there on, the "behavioural constants" I've mentioned above got extremely worse. In many cases I got almost scared to tell/do everything, with the fear of triggering her. In other words, I had the impression to walk over the eggshells. I recognize now that at that time, especially towards the end of November, I entered in the so-called devaluation phase.

I also add that between August and December 2014 she betrayed me at least one time (I suspect another time with another man, but I don't have proofs). Anyway, in the end I forgave her since I deemed that the love she felt for me was still there.

In any case, before the end of the year we had the n-th fight - in December we had really numerous fights - so we decided to have some time apart from each other; basically we were no more togheter.

[Fr4nz]

The horrible aftermath

During January 2015 we exchanged/had lots of texts and Skype calls: at that time it was apparent that while I wanted to fix our relationship, she was going to  detach. It also was extremely clear to her that I was still incredibly in LOVE with her, since I continuosly told her my feelings. From her part, it was clear she still had strong feelings towards me; for example, she told me that I still had an emotionally "immense power" on her, even if she was not able to tell me whether she felt love or not for me. Also, each time we had a fight she clearly exibithed a remarkable amount of stress.

Anyway, during January she had a very brief fling with a coke addict, but that lasted only 1-2 weeks since he was married and had a daughter. Nothing serious, although I felt she was heavily idealizing that guy (again, the pattern repeats... .).

End of January came and we agreed to see each other physically, so I went to her home in order and we had a nice evening in Florence: that evening we kissed each other repeatedly but we didn't end up having sex, even if we slept togheter. In light of these events I was hoping that, perhaps, it was still possible to rekindle our relationship (even if the no sex was indeed a bad sign... .). We agreed to see each other the following weekend.

And here's the amazing, brutal ending: the next weekend (it was the beginning of February) she arranged again a nice evening with me... .however, this time she also invited a guy she knew for some time through an online game (that was the first time she saw him physically).

Let me spend two words about this guy. I can say this is a nice guy, a "caregiver" type like me, probably. However, this guy is noticeably less cute than me - but my exBPDgf always told me that she's more interested in the brain - and he's also intellectually inferior. Also, this guy (similarly to me) lives 300 km far from my exBPDgf.

Well, that evening was really nice, we had a nice dinner in a nice restaurant where we had a very enjoyable time. One thing I noted is my ex repeatedly told that I was the ex during the dinner... .Then, my exBPDgf got drunk, as usual. When she got drunk, we left the restaurant and had a walk. During this walk, she was repeatedly kissing me and, at the same time, she tried to kiss repeatedly the other guy as well, who, however, did not reciprocate her since he knew I was the ex and probably felt this was not a normal behaviour. It was the simply start of a brutal triangulation.

Anyway, we all agreed to go back to home, since she was not able to stand on her feet. When we came back home, after 10 minutes we decided to go to sleep. She told the guy to go sleep in the guest room, while she asked me to go with her in bed. Once we went to bed, she asked me first to hug her; then, she started telling me how much she cared about me; then, I answered her that I loved her incredibly, and she answered me, smiling, that she didn't believe I loved her (usual crap about her father and men unable to love her).

Just after 3 minutes she told me these things, she said she had to go to the bathroom. I was not seeing her coming back, so I got up from the bed... .and, guess what, I found her half-naked - from the waist-below - clinged to the guy and kissing him, in the guest room. This was really a terrible scene for me: imagine finding the girl you incredibly love, after she told you all those nice things I said above... .having almost sex with an almost unknown guy! W-O-W.

At that point I was lucky enough to not get crazy (note: she was still partially drunk): I told her "how you can do THIS knowing that I still love you so much AND keeping into consideration that you asked me to go to bed with you and tell me all of those nice things?". Also: "how you can be so insensible, ruthless, etc."

Her answer was: "now I have to care about MYSELF; this is my home and here I do everything I want; if you're not OK with that you can go away."

Finally I answered: "you are disgusting", and then I fled away from her home.

I was desperate, but still in love. I hoped that, perhaps, the thing she did was not serious... .just a one night stand. Also, I thought that, maybe, it was still possible to be friends. So, the next day I sent her a message asking if she realized how HORRIBLE was her behaviour. After one more day she answered me: ":)o not behave like a high-school boy, be an adult!", and she confirmed they had sex in the end.

That answer was incredible and unbelievable, given that she was not drunk when she wrote that: that meant that in her mind her actions were RIGHT and that I shouldn't suffer! Simply unbelievable, a complete lack of respect and sensibility towards a men that loved her, in every possible way, for 1.5 years.

Her behaviour was so INCOMPREHENSIBLE that I was desperate, I needed to explain myself how it is possible for a woman to behave in this ruthless, insensible, horrible, impulsive, thoughtless way. So, I went to a T: I told her the whole story, and she told me that my exBPDgf exibhited all the traits typical of BPD. Thanks to this knowledge I found then bpdfamily, which represented an invaluable source of information for me.

By reading hundreds of threads I realized that she is indeed a BPD sufferer and that the crazy behaviours I noticed, especially the "cruel" ones exibithed in the aftermath, are quite common when BPD relationships end (i.e., they apparently move out very quickly).

Going back to the story: in the following days we kept texting and calling each other; however, after just 1 week with respect to what happened that night, she told me she already was in love with this guy (same pattern she exibithed with me and the guy before me... .), so I lost any hope of getting back together.

I said to myself: how it is possible to move on SO QUICKLY (just after 1 month) after a relationship that lasted 1.5 years? I recognize now this is, again, a common pattern among BPD sufferers.

At that point I was still hoping to mantain a friendship with her, even if it was really difficult knowing that she was in love with this guy.

Unfortunately, each time we were texting or speaking she was constantly blaming me about what I did wrong during the relationship, she told me I was unable to understand her anymore and that I was not giving her anymore enough attentions. She was also kind of making comparisons with the new guy (triangulation, again), telling me how he was giving her so much attentions, how much he is sensible and how much he understands her... .the VERY SAME stuff she told me at the beginning of our relationship... .


Beginning of the no-contact

So, the end of Februray came. One day we exchanged two mails: in my mail (the first one), I told her how much I still cared about her, I told her that I would be here for her forever, but I also told her that some of her behaviours were just unacceptable, even for a simple friendship (i.e., the constant blaming). Also, I somehow highlighted the idealization-devaluation dynamic governing her relationships, telling her that she is doing the same thing with the new guy and that she did the same things with past guys (note: I was NOT telling her she is a BPD sufferer).

So, I told her that, until she was not able to behave with me in an acceptable manner, it was better to avoid contact at all.

I think this was a reasonable email.

She answered to my email telling me that I was never able to understand her, that I will never be able to change myself, that I'm not capable of understanding the ways she relation with other people. She also said that she was not interested in me anymore. Then, she said she won't need me in the future and she won't be there for me whenever I will need her.

I did not answer to this mail, since it was clear she simply "closed her door". Again: W-O-W! I was there for her for two months when she had the accident... .plus all the problems with the alcohol throughout the relationship... .and now you tell me that you won't be there for me whenever I need... .what the hell?

She also proceeded to unfriend me in facebook, unfriend my friends (except for my father... .she had a beautiful relationship with him and she still has him in her friends list) and block me in whatsapp.

As I said, I didn't answer to her mail and decided to go immediately no contact. Her mail and the following actions were so unacceptable, indecent and childish that I felt she didn't deserve an answer. It was clear that I left my door "open"... .she is the one that "closed" her door! Probably, that was just an excuse to focus solely on the new guy... .

Now, we're just at slightly more than one month of no contact. 2 weeks ago I noticed she unblocked me in whatsapp but... .apart from that, not a single word from her.

2 months has passed and she is still in relationship with this guy and, apparently, they are deeply in love (I guess the idealization phase has still to deplete its effects).

As I said before this guy is a nice guy, he's likely a carigiver type like me, but he's QUITE inferior with respect to me, both intellectually and physically. To me, it is somehow evident that their relationship is the end product of a drunk from her side, where she basically followed her "istincts" when she behaved in that crazy way. To me, it is apparent that the only reason for which my ex moved on so quickly from the old relationship to the new one (in order to avoid to process the loss of our relatonship) and justify what happened was to apply the usual "victim - persecutor - shiny knight in white armor" schema, where I was the persecutor and the white knight was the new guy.

In other words, that guy happened to be there just in the right moment and, by showing her that he cared about her and about her feelings - which is quite normal when you're going after a girl and the girl is doing the victim as well, he won the prize (sex + love).


Conclusion and some considerations

As I said, it just slightly more than one month I went NC with her. Many days I miss her terribly, even if I have to say that the more the days pass, the less I suffer... .however, the path I have to percurr is still quite long.

I miss her because she's a very clever individual, she can speak about many topics, she is very attractive, she is kind of "artistic", she has amazing social skills (even if she has almost 0 true friends as I've said... .), she is incredibly passionate and, overall, we had many many nice moments throughout our relationship.

In other words I miss her because, even if she has BPD traits, she has a lot of "brain-power" and talents and she's a very enjoyable person to have in a relationship.

However, I also recognize her crazy behaviours, her drama, her incredible mood swings, the constant hyper-critical attitude she had towards me in the final months of our relationship. With all these things it is simply impossible to have a satisfying, long-lasting relationship. And finally, the way she replaced me in front of my eyes in the end... .was just insane.

If I have to make an analogy she's like a beautiful pearl... .a beautiful perl which is, unluckily, radioactive. Being nearby her is, in the long term, simply toxic.

I still ask myself how she could replace me in THAT way, given that our relationship had its difficult moments but it was also a beautiful and sincere relationship and we had many, many unique, beautiful and intense moments.

On one hand it is possible to explain these behaviours with the notions of "compartmentalization", "splitting", "grieving in reverse" and so on... .on the other hand, being directly subject to these behaviours is incredibly hurtful.

I know that in many cases BPD sufferers come back... .one part of me hopes so, at least for building a friendship in the future, considering she's a valuable individual.

She told me repeatedly that when a story is over... .is over for her, i.e., she is the "cut-off" type. However, I deem that this is not the real, complete truth.

For example, during our relationship I noticed that she was often thinking/speaking about her's most important exes, especially the one she had before me with whom she had the unexpected pregnancy, and the one with whom she had the longest relationship of 4 years.

I also saw her stalking their Facebook pages repeatedly (she's no more FB friends with them, however), and she even contacted the 4 years guy in August... .so, I'm quite sure about the fact she thinks about past exes. I think this is somehow related to the famous "grieving in reverse" process mentioned in this forum.

Also, I remember she kept all the gifts coming from the most relevant exes, probably something that has to do with the very well known "attachment issues" and "object consistency" concepts.

I doubt she cuts off completely any type of contact with her exes forever - at least those with whom she had "intense" experiences or long-lasting relationships. Maybe this is just something she tells in order to appear "resolute".

So, this is everything for the moment... .I hope this post will be interesting and to get some insights from the readers. And sorry for the lenght of the post!

[Maternus]

Hi Fr4nz,

thank you for sharing your story. I know what you went through, I've been there. Although our stories differ in the details, they all follow the same script.

[rotiroti]

Fr4nz,

wow man, just WOW.

First of all, you are a very good writer. Your writing shows that you have great insight and are a kind and generous soul. It's scary how similar our story runs alike and I am incredibly sorry that you had to witness your ex with the new partner. I would have ABSOLUTELY lost it and would be completely heartbroken. The fact that you recognize the replacement as someone who is also a caregiver means that you are very mature and have great self-control

How are you doing now?