New adventures

[qcarolr]

Hi - things continue to OK in our home. A little crowded so am happy spring is here in Colorado. Four adults, one child, 2 big dogs, 5 tiny toads, 2 hermit crabs and a small aquarium of 5 fish. Bf, the fourth adult, is diligent with the chores he accepted in exchange for staying with us. He is great with GD as well and helps her with the critters care. I am so grateful for whatever time he is with us here.

He and GD had some struggles last week. Seems the burner is turned down today. We all seem to work through these times more quickly without the prior intensity. DH works on Sunday. The rest of us went to church together. This is the 4th time DD has gone to church with me. Gd sits on her own in the back with her 'church notebook'. "Grandma, this is my alone time". I noticed she was listening to the message today.

It is a warm place that greets them with sincerity. DD has agreed to try the young adult women Thursday bible study this week. I said I would go with her, at least the first time. Hoping she connects with some other young women and maybe can get a ride with one of them. We talked a bit about this being an opportunity to meet some new, clean friends.

Bf is interested in the Thrive 12-step group at church. It meets on Sunday mornings before the service we usually attend. We will try to make that happen next Sunday.

Next week, on Resurrection Sunday, the pastor team will complete 13 weeks of Transformation messages based on the AA 12-steps. It has been an awesome time for DD and Bf to come to church with me. I will just keep on praying for the Light to keep shining.

Then we came home and DD did yoga with me. I have put off doing this for over two years - had the stretchy clothes and DVD of restorative yoga all along. A friend in neighborhood is just starting out as a yoga instructor and was going to come and do this with us. Something came after we were all ready so got out our mats and turned on the DVD. We have made a pledge to try and do yoga every day, even if it is only the 15 minute morning wake up and 12 minute meditation.

BF and gd took dogs out in the open space instead of doing yoga. That worked!

Hope you all can find some sunshine in your life today.

qcr

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GaGrl]

Oh! Another health idea, Carol... .have you ever tried Thai massage? It is yoga based, done on a thick floor mat. The massage therapist will position you and hold/stretch you in yoga positions. Minimum 90 min to really do it right. NOT relaxation massage.

[qcarolr]

Oh! Another health idea, Carol... .have you ever tried Thai massage? It is yoga based, done on a thick floor mat. The massage therapist will position you and hold/stretch you in yoga positions. Minimum 90 min to really do it right. NOT relaxation massage.

That does sound pretty intense. I am taking things slow and steady to prevent new injuries to my lower back. Movement is important yet not to increase my overall pain.

Change of topic:

DD has been doing the dish washer and sweeping the kitchen daily. I think Bf has been working out what she can do, other than sleep, eat and smoke cigs.  She does not look very happy and she is doing a good job. I am still surprised when I realize she it the one moving chairs around sweeping!

After I checked into the Thursday young women's group at church, and DD is still interested in going. This is so very very courageous for her. Keeping on praying for wise decisions open to her.

qcr

[livednlearned]

Hi qcarolr,

Congratulations on your new adventures 

Yoga sounds wonderful. I started to do mindfulness practices a few weeks ago. My SO signed me up for a class I've wanted to take for over 7 years, and now we're taking the class together.

I realize now that having a buddy makes it easier to change my habits. When SO and I get together, we'll take 15 minutes to do one of the mindfulness practices.

So I'm glad your DD is willing to these healthy things with you, both for her sake and for yours. The buddy system is the best!

And wonderful that there are so many positive opportunities for DD at church. It sounds like a lot of good timing, and programs that would really support her.

[tristesse]

I just want to say that I am absolutely delighted by the positive changes in your world. Bless you and your family

[qcarolr]

Update on this story: a very bumpy weekend and things got better yesterday. Seemed to have weathered this storm better than expected. Gd is clear with us all on her boundaries (house rules). She has reached out to her mom in little ways that feel safe to her even as she gives her a list of the rules. DH has stayed present -- his old pattern was to withdraw.

DD has been increasingly irritable over past couple weeks. With the support of bf she was managing this OK. Over weekend she bumped up in mood, up in agitation, pushing back against support of bf, louder voice. There was a loss of self-reflection and empathy for others. As some in my healing group would say "looking at her navel". Totally focused on herself to exclusion of everyone else's needs. Bf responded with increasing frustration -- IMHO triggered some of his own abandonment issues. He has shared that his pattern of response is called "NEXT"... . For him, time to move on a leave the situation behind. I suggested he try to postpone NEXT this time and see if he can work through this in a new way.

Monday DD rode to town with me to get some forms notarized for her SSI lawyer (starting the final level of appeal of denial last week. She had a friend she wanted to hang out with. Bf had left earlier on his bike. New behavior for them to go in opposite directions. Later in the afternoon DD called that Bf was in jail on an old trespassing warrant the they both had called about last fall -- it was supposed to have been closed. She gave him my phone # since the phone account is still active on my cell. [jail inmate phones will not call a cell phone without a prepaid account of some kind] Seems Bf had joined up with DD and her friend at homeless hang out near public library. He was outside smoking -- police officer came up re: no smoking, what is your name -- Bf gave it freely as he knew his record was clear -- warrant for small town out in county -- off to jail.

Our policy is to not bail people out of jail. We have never lost bond money, but it has not always been the best for the person in jail. DD of course, and some of her bf's that were living with us or going to be support to DD and got caught up in old warrants. I told bf this Monday on phone. He was very distressed -- he had done nothing wrong this time -- they were saying he would be sent to another county jail... .I told him to hold on and I would contact the other town on Tuesday. What a mess, as usual.  Small town only has municipal court one day a month -- April 13. Two weeks away. The town had no record of his arrest yet -- the judge had not contacted the court clerk yet. I looked him up and he is full time in a nearby city's court. What a mess, again.

Bf was actually crying when I talked to him in early afternoon. Tuesday was such a busy day for me, and I chose not to make any changes in my schedule due to this. I had bible study in morning, then work, the needed to go to grocery store with gd, dinner, then my healing care group in evening. And I was starting out tired. DD asked me to work at home when Bf was calling so she could talk to him. I could do this. Then she announces an old bf is coming over to visit -- G has lived with us in past too. He has visited before - gd knows him - said OK. I knew this would be trouble to her r/s with Bf. I told her she needed to choose who was BF. She said G is only a friend - G wants to be bf and keeps pursuing her even when 'sharing' her with someone else! Now that is unhealthy!

Then I heard her on the phone with someone else giving directions to our house. What was this - party time while Bf is in jail? YECH! I said NO. They could not be at the house. She said she was giving directions to the nearby grocery store to meet them there.

So G arrives, then Bf calls, then school bus comes, I scoop gd up to do groceries, other friends are pulling into driveway as Gd and I walk around side of house. Whew. WHAT A MESS! Gd and I are both angry that DD is breaking the rules. I text DD to for friends to be gone before we get back from store and to let me know when they are gone. She does. On the way home, Gd asks to text her mom to tell her how she feels about breaking the rules. DD replies to me as if I wrote this, and to stop harassing her "it is over". I tell her that Gd wrote this all on her own, does she want to talk to gd. So they talk a few minutes on the phone - gd chooses to keep this conversation private.

Dh gets home and we talk about Bf distress, 2 weeks until a hearing to figure out why the warrants are still active, and how much he has contributed to the household (ie. managing DD so I don't have too - yes these are selfish motives and I am so fatigued). So we decide to help him with a bond agent.

At 9pm I go to my car after Healing Group and there are 7 missed calls from Bf. He calls again and is still very distressed. He cannot try to figure this out from inside jail. This is a mistake. They are very minor charges because he was homeless sleeping behind a Safeway store, then smoking in front of the Safeway store. So I called Dh and said I wanted to bail him out before I got home. He was not totally happy about the timing but agreed. We got home about 11:30pm.

Things are pretty quiet between Bf and DD because of G having been there. Yet they seem to be working things out. In my view Bf is doing OK with protecting his place in our home, and holding her accountable for his feelings of betrayal with G.  All parties have been told that I am staying out of this triangle.

Then my own guilt -- I discussed the G visit with Bf on the way home. The next day DD told me he 'had a talk' with her that night about G and asked what I said to Bf. My reply: G is her friend, he has been a supportive help for her in past similar to how Bf is helping now, and that G wanting to be a bf is his problem to work out.

My sadness is that DD uses her bf's like this. There are always at least 2 guys on the burner for her. I feel like this is a 'symptom' of her shift in mood/attitude/ emotional regulation decline. Both G and Bf are very sensitive, very intelligent men. I think both have experience a lot of trauma about this sensitivity. G with a drill sergeant dad. Bf with a H*ll's Angel dad that was extremely abusive and mom that was neglectful. Bf was in foster care at age 7 into a RTC for 2 years. Then shuttled around group homes and foster homes until his foster mom died (he did her care!) and he was emancipated as soon as legally possible.

I know I allow myself to get caught up in this. Yet there is a part of me that feels very strongly that this is OK. I feel able to keep healthy boundaries with all parties. Now to take the time daily to self-care.

Going to get a massage now. 2 hours of relaxation/pain I am looking forward to. She gets down in the nitty-gritty of my hot spots. Then I feel better later.

Thanks for listening to this tale.

qcr

[lever.]

I'm so pleased that things are overall better Qcr and I'm sorry to hear what has happened recently with the boyfriend, its a shame when he was trying hard.

I hope she sticks with him as he sounds as if he could be a stabilizing influence if he can continue to work on his own difficulties.

I hope she keeps up the yoga and church meeting too. 

[qcarolr]

Lever - thanks for the hugs. We were all really crabby yesterday and things seem settled today. Maybe DD and Bf have worked through some things that came up even before he ended up in jail. I sure do like having someone that likes to cook and do the dishes!

qcr