Replacement was at my house

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

On Friday my BPDh who is living elsewhere was at the house we shared packing stuff in the garage while I was at work.  The house has been sold and set to close the 8th of April so we are moving. We will be getting a divorce but are not yet.  I found out that he had the replacement he has had for 2 months there in my house all day.  They went out to lunch and she brought back half her sandwich and left it in my fridge!   I sent him a text telling him that this is embarrassing and humiliating for the neighbors to see that and that I don't deserve this disrespect and not to have her in my house again. He has not answered it. I feel so violated and abused by this.  Why the heck would anyone do such a despicable thing?  This has really set me reeling and now I'm back to crying all the time, can't sleep, etc.  Just sick of hurting all time.  There seems to be no end to it... .

[Painterly2014]

On Friday my BPDh who is living elsewhere was at the house we shared packing stuff in the garage while I was at work.  The house has been sold and set to close the 8th of April so we are moving. We will be getting a divorce but are not yet.  I found out that he had the replacement he has had for 2 months there in my house all day.  They went out to lunch and she brought back half her sandwich and left it in my fridge!   I sent him a text telling him that this is embarrassing and humiliating for the neighbors to see that and that I don't deserve this disrespect and not to have her in my house again. He has not answered it. I feel so violated and abused by this.  Why the heck would anyone do such a despicable thing?  This has really set me reeling and now I'm back to crying all the time, can't sleep, etc.  Just sick of hurting all time.  There seems to be no end to it... .

[ScotisGone74]

I feel for your loss Painterly.    It takes time and NC to recover from these relationships.    It can be a very painful and comfusing time for us.    Other questions to ask yourself might include; do I really want to be married to someone who acts/treats me like that?  Or do I have to be in a relationship where I get verbally, emotionally, or physically abused?   Post what you are dealing with and stay NC as much as possible. 

[enlighten me]

The problem is that they just dont see that they are doing anything wrong. It is something that has amazed me with both my uBPD exs. When theyre happy and in the idealisation phase with the replacement they forget about everyone else and their feelings.

You have to remember that they have not developed emotionally beyond that of a child.

[Infared]

The problem is that they just dont see that they are doing anything wrong. It is something that has amazed me with both my uBPD exs. When theyre happy and in the idealisation phase with the replacement they forget about everyone else and their feelings.

You have to remember that they have not developed emotionally beyond that of a child.

I experienced the same exact thing. My expwBPD was so disrespectful of me and my feelings.

... .and I think that it is just how you say:

"When theyre happy and in the idealisation phase with the replacement they forget about everyone else and their feelings. "

They just do not think that they are doing anything wrong.

... .at first, I was in shock... I thought that I must have it wrong. Then it sinks in that in an instant I was just totally disregarded and being given the attitude from my ex that this is totally "normal" -here today, gone tomorrow". In her world. Extremely cold and final. Done. Just Served up to me one day, on a cold, cold platter.

This was totally NOT the same person that I had lived with for 5 years. It was extremely difficult to accept. ... .but I had no choice. IT was the new reality, just served up to me one day.

I was an unwanted annoyance to be disposed of. Boom. "Can we get this over with".

We understand Painterly. All I can offer is for you to do whatever you can to protect you. If you can go NC as much as possible. Initially I was so full of hope that I could rejuvenate our relationship (I was being lied to, I did not know that there was someone else), but I was just totally wasting my time and energy. I had been fractured off and discarded and was completely not really included in her thought processes. Brutal stuff.

You can certainly expect more disrespect and estrangement. It is not normal. If yours is like mine, you are dealing with a mentally ill person who is capable of that cold cut off. Just fight to take care of and love you.

My compassion goes out to you.  

[downwhim]

P14,

Painful to go through already but to add his disrespect? I too had this happen in my marriage with my exh who was a total narcissist. My dog sitter came over and could not get him to answer the door. Later it was noted two cars were in the garage. Hers and his.

When we went to move, I took out my stuff and he and her came over to get his and vacuum. They already bought a new home together.   and selfish and such a disregard of a marriage and life together. He even had pictures of her and him all over his bedroom when he first moved out. My kids complained and he said, "get use to it."

Cold, I hear you. Be strong and move on. Seek help and realize this replacement won't last... .his true colors will come out.

[Deeno02]

Enlighten hit it on the head. They dont think they are in the wrong at all. They have gone full on in the new r/s. They have no tact or decorum or feelings for anyone but their own as demonstrated by Downwhims comment. They are so without empathy except for themselves.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

When theyre happy and in the idealisation phase with the replacement they forget about everyone else and their feelings.

You have to remember that they have not developed emotionally beyond that of a child.

This.  My dBPDex is very selfish.  Even when I was in the r/s I saw this but kept making excuses.  Since the end of my BPD r/s I have seen her go through two idealization phases.  They are bonding in a way that a preschooler would bond with a parent.  The pwBPD has tunnel vision in this phase.  Everything revolves around their new bond.  Empathy for others does not even come into the picture.  The past is compartmentalized and dissociated away.

 It hurts like hell for a non to experience this, we would not treat someone like this.  People with BPD are wired so differently, their minds do not feel the way we do.  They are disordered, to a tragic degree.  Their entire life will just be a sad repeat of the same doomed cycle.

 When having to communicate similar issues with my ex I used the DEARMAN technique on this site.

[Infared]

When theyre happy and in the idealisation phase with the replacement they forget about everyone else and their feelings.

You have to remember that they have not developed emotionally beyond that of a child.

This.  My dBPDex is very selfish.  Even when I was in the r/s I saw this but kept making excuses.  Since the end of my BPD r/s I have seen her go through two idealization phases.  They are bonding in a way that a preschooler would bond with a parent.  The pwBPD has tunnel vision in this phase.  Everything revolves around their new bond.  Empathy for others does not even come into the picture.  The past is compartmentalized and dissociated away.

 It hurts like hell for a non to experience this, we would not treat someone like this.  People with BPD are wired so differently, their minds do not feel the way we do.  They are disordered, to a tragic degree.  Their entire life will just be a sad repeat of the same doomed cycle.

 When having to communicate similar issues with my ex I used the DEARMAN technique on this site.

You perfectly described EXACTLY what I went through with my ex.  I will have to look up the DEARMAN Technique as I am not familiar with it.   

It was all good as long as the child was idealizing me... .but when she switched to someone else, my wheels REALLY fell off!

[Painterly2014]

Thank you everyone for the support.  I agree that he has the emotional stability of a child of maybe 5 or 6 and I try to keep it in mind when I can.  I feel like I am just one big open wound and he keeps ripping it open it every chance he gets. Its almost like he enjoys making me squirm.  I don't know why I am shocked at anything he does anymore but I was.  Of course he has denied having her here has changed his lie three times. Its just such a sick game that they play with people.  Can't wait for it to finally be done so I can heal. 

[raisins3142]

They can't "model" the mind of others, especially NONs, very well.  What I mean is that they can't or won't put themselves in the shoes of another.  So, people are always surprised by them, and they are always supposedly surprised by the reactions they get.  I would be surprised if they have a different configuration of something called mirror neurons.

This thoughtlessness is even worse when they are after some type of narcissistic supply.  This is why I think many can't help but flirt and talking to people giving them romantic attention under the guise of "it's just fun and nothing is gonna happen".