There’s no R/S for me but for him, he’s stuck in that mode.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It’s kinda gruesome really. Maybe that’s an overstatement. I don’t know. All I know is that he is trying to be someone he is not to ‘win’ me back. I know he’s not this guy…but it hasn’t been that long since I realized who he really is…and it’s gruesome that I used to actually believe this song and dance. 

It’s sad because as I look back on my younger self, I can see and I can feel her wanting so badly to believe…just to believe….and now I’m here, I’m me, the same me I’ve always been but I don’t believe I don’t even want to believe.

[Danie14]

It’s kinda gruesome really. Maybe that’s an overstatement. I don’t know. All I know is that he is trying to be someone he is not to ‘win’ me back. I know he’s not this guy…but it hasn’t been that long since I realized who he really is…and it’s gruesome that I used to actually believe this song and dance. 

It’s sad because as I look back on my younger self, I can see and I can feel her wanting so badly to believe…just to believe….and now I’m here, I’m me, the same me I’ve always been but I don’t believe I don’t even want to believe.

[Heldfast]

And that has got to be horrible for you, but can you give us some more detail? What was he, what's he trying to be, what do you want, the mature, eyes open you?

[Danie14]

This is the sad part. Everything he’s doing are things that any woman would want but I know it’s an act. I know it’s not going to be maintained in the long term. I think he believes himself…heck, I’m positive he believes himself…but there’s been too many times in the past were we’ve been here and I believed and it didn’t last.

What’s he doing? Well, yesterday was by birthday and he got me flowers, gifts, cards and a cake….yes, any girl would love this, right? But what’s the motivation for all this ‘goodness’ of his? He’s scared sh**less right now thinking I’m leaving…knowing I’m leaving…he knows I told him and he’s trying to act like everythings ok.

He gave me access to his facebook account….I told him I didn’t want it and that what happens in there is none of my business…he says I thought I was your business…so he emails me his password & I go ahead and open it up and look and he left that last message she sent him there…So I read it and got pissed off again….then I found other older messages to another girl…(sorry a local known slut)…jeez really? I mean really. Which he says Oh I was just playing…yea…whatever…really.

And I told him that I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to check up on him. I don’t want to feel like I have to check up on him…I think…and I didn’t tell him this because it’s still kinda forming in my mind…but I think that he gave me the password to his account so I can police him and his actions. So then he no longer has that responsibility for himself…and even deeper than that (inside of me) is the notion that…he is who he is and I want to love him for who he is…not for how he thinks I want him to be…he *wanted* to talk to her…and he did…that’s who he really is…and I don’t love that so now he’s being someone he’s not to try to keep me here with him….but it’s not him it’s this other guy who he is not…

And our daughter’s sick and our son is nearly graduated HS…and I’m trying to just hold it all together for them because….well, because of my own sick twisted ideal family! What the heck am I trying to do? Really….our daughter came home from college because she was throwing up blood and had blood in her stool…she’s 20 yrs old and has had stomach problems her entire life…long story short we went thru a ton of tests for them to say they don’t know what’s wrong. Our son is nearly finished with HS…graduates in the beginning of June…his bday is in less than a month…he’s got a boxing match coming up, is first, and….and…and….more and more excuses on my part…

I talked to my sister and to one of my very best friends at different times and they both told me that I’m being dumb. Not exactly like that but very gently. I was grasping at straws that could explain away the information I have and my friend’s eyebrows shot up to the sky and she just said “no” and shook her head….and she’s right, there’s no way to realistically explain away this information. My sister, well I was telling her that he’s talking suicide and she reminded me that last time I was really ready to end things with him he started talking about suicide then too.

I talked to some friends at work and to my boss, too. Everyone is very supportive which is good. I’ve never talked to anyone before about this mess. Not really talked to them and had the truth come out of my mouth. I’m not sure why I’m talking now…maybe because it’s real now. I’m not sure really tho if that’s why I’m talking now. But I am and it’s good.

[jhkbuzz]

This is the sad part. Everything he’s doing are things that any woman would want but I know it’s an act. I know it’s not going to be maintained in the long term. I think he believes himself…heck, I’m positive he believes himself…but there’s been too many times in the past were we’ve been here and I believed and it didn’t last.

What’s he doing? Well, yesterday was by birthday and he got me flowers, gifts, cards and a cake….yes, any girl would love this, right? But what’s the motivation for all this ‘goodness’ of his? He’s scared sh**less right now thinking I’m leaving…knowing I’m leaving…he knows I told him and he’s trying to act like everythings ok.

Yes, these are his attempts to manipulate/control - not necessarily conscious attempts, but attempts nonetheless.  As are his threats of suicide.  It's good that you are recognizing them for what they are.

He gave me access to his facebook account….I told him I didn’t want it and that what happens in there is none of my business…he says I thought I was your business…so he emails me his password & I go ahead and open it up and look and he left that last message she sent him there…So I read it and got pissed off again….then I found other older messages to another girl…(sorry a local known slut)…jeez really? I mean really. Which he says Oh I was just playing…yea…whatever…really.

And I told him that I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to check up on him. I don’t want to feel like I have to check up on him…

You are absolutely correct - I lived like that for FOUR years - and I will always remember them as the most horrific, devaluing, crushing four years of my life. And to top it all off?  All my checking up didn't change or help a damn thing - the affair still happened, the r/s still ended.

he *wanted* to talk to her…and he did…that’s who he really is…and I don’t love that so now he’s being someone he’s not to try to keep me here with him….but it’s not him it’s this other guy who he is not…

Yes... .do your best to stay clearminded - his actions reveal who he is, even though his words have often been sweet, loving and kind.  His actions make your life together unbearable; his actions are devaluing and reveal the truth of who he is as a human being; his actions reveal his moral character - or lack thereof.

And our daughter’s sick and our son is nearly graduated HS…and I’m trying to just hold it all together for them because….well, because of my own sick twisted ideal family! What the heck am I trying to do? Really….our daughter came home from college because she was throwing up blood and had blood in her stool…she’s 20 yrs old and has had stomach problems her entire life…long story short we went thru a ton of tests for them to say they don’t know what’s wrong. Our son is nearly finished with HS…graduates in the beginning of June…his bday is in less than a month…he’s got a boxing match coming up, is first, and….and…and….more and more excuses on my part…

 

I'm so sorry, this is hard.  And I held it together for my stepdaughter while she was underage... .so I understand the impulse. But now that your son is approaching 18?... .you are correct - it's all excuses. I wish I had exited the r/s as soon as my SD left for college but I didn't - and the final year was far and away the most painful.

I talked to my sister and to one of my very best friends at different times and they both told me that I’m being dumb. Not exactly like that but very gently. I was grasping at straws that could explain away the information I have and my friend’s eyebrows shot up to the sky and she just said “no” and shook her head….and she’s right, there’s no way to realistically explain away this information. My sister, well I was telling her that he’s talking suicide and she reminded me that last time I was really ready to end things with him he started talking about suicide then too.

I talked to some friends at work and to my boss, too. Everyone is very supportive which is good. I’ve never talked to anyone before about this mess. Not really talked to them and had the truth come out of my mouth. I’m not sure why I’m talking now…maybe because it’s real now. I’m not sure really tho if that’s why I’m talking now. But I am and it’s good.

It is very good that you're talking - I kept my ex's secrets for all four years... .I don't know why.  I still need to figure that out.

It sounds like both you and those closest to you know that this r/s is destructive to you.  What are some next steps you can take?  What do you think you want to do?

[FracturedReality]

The sex is an intense lure. The hot/cold of the sex is the manipulation that ruined that lure for me.

[Danie14]

What are some next steps you can take?  What do you think you want to do?

I know myself pretty well and I tend to be an all or nothing type of person. It generally takes me forever to make a real concrete decision but once I've made it it's in stone. I've decided to leave him when our son graduates HS. I've weighed pros and cons... .and there are too many very important pros for our son for me to wait just a little bit longer. It's hard tho and many times throughout the day I find myself thinking no-no-no.

The steps that need to be taken? I think those are being taken now. Naturally because of my lack of 'feeling' for him anymore. I just don't feel much of anything for him now. He can sense it and asks me constantly whats wrong... .he knows whats wrong so I don't say much... .It's me pulling away from him further and further... .I can't seem to help it... .

this is the major problem for me, I feel like I'm lying now because I don't want to be with him but I don't want to rock the boat and so I'm lying in my actions when I let him hug me, when I let him kiss me... .I'm lying when he tells me he loves me (over and over)... .and I tell him I love him too... .I'm lying... .over and over... .and that's not good for me.

I was having a conversation with the Creator (God) this morning in the shower ( just thinking very hard) and I had a thought... .I've prayed for guidance, for help, for wisdom to do the right thing for my kids... .and my prayers have been answered over and over in many forms... .and this one, this form, is telling me to 'get out' and yet I'm still thinking that I know best... .like I know that sticking it out for two more months is best for everyone... .but who am I to question the Creator's wisdom?

[FracturedReality]

This is the sad part. Everything he’s doing are things that any woman would want but I know it’s an act. I know it’s not going to be maintained in the long term. I think he believes himself…heck, I’m positive he believes himself…but there’s been too many times in the past were we’ve been here and I believed and it didn’t last.

What’s he doing? Well, yesterday was by birthday and he got me flowers, gifts, cards and a cake….yes, any girl would love this, right? But what’s the motivation for all this ‘goodness’ of his? He’s scared sh**less right now thinking I’m leaving…knowing I’m leaving…he knows I told him and he’s trying to act like everythings ok.

He gave me access to his facebook account….I told him I didn’t want it and that what happens in there is none of my business…he says I thought I was your business…so he emails me his password & I go ahead and open it up and look and he left that last message she sent him there…So I read it and got pissed off again….then I found other older messages to another girl…(sorry a local known slut)…jeez really? I mean really. Which he says Oh I was just playing…yea…whatever…really.

And I told him that I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to check up on him. I don’t want to feel like I have to check up on him…I think…and I didn’t tell him this because it’s still kinda forming in my mind…but I think that he gave me the password to his account so I can police him and his actions. So then he no longer has that responsibility for himself…and even deeper than that (inside of me) is the notion that…he is who he is and I want to love him for who he is…not for how he thinks I want him to be…he *wanted* to talk to her…and he did…that’s who he really is…and I don’t love that so now he’s being someone he’s not to try to keep me here with him….but it’s not him it’s this other guy who he is not…

And our daughter’s sick and our son is nearly graduated HS…and I’m trying to just hold it all together for them because….well, because of my own sick twisted ideal family! What the heck am I trying to do? Really….our daughter came home from college because she was throwing up blood and had blood in her stool…she’s 20 yrs old and has had stomach problems her entire life…long story short we went thru a ton of tests for them to say they don’t know what’s wrong. Our son is nearly finished with HS…graduates in the beginning of June…his bday is in less than a month…he’s got a boxing match coming up, is first, and….and…and….more and more excuses on my part…

I talked to my sister and to one of my very best friends at different times and they both told me that I’m being dumb. Not exactly like that but very gently. I was grasping at straws that could explain away the information I have and my friend’s eyebrows shot up to the sky and she just said “no” and shook her head….and she’s right, there’s no way to realistically explain away this information. My sister, well I was telling her that he’s talking suicide and she reminded me that last time I was really ready to end things with him he started talking about suicide then too.

I talked to some friends at work and to my boss, too. Everyone is very supportive which is good. I’ve never talked to anyone before about this mess. Not really talked to them and had the truth come out of my mouth. I’m not sure why I’m talking now…maybe because it’s real now. I’m not sure really tho if that’s why I’m talking now. But I am and it’s good.

Don't stay in the relationship for your kids.


I wish my mom would have left my dad. She deserved and deserves a better life. He's not a good person and I wish I could get my mom out of that crappy place.


Then, because my mom tried to be a good helper, I got into a similar relationship. I'm not saying it's her fault, but I am saying that mentally abusive cycle is what I learned was normal growing up

[jhkbuzz]

What are some next steps you can take?  What do you think you want to do?

I know myself pretty well and I tend to be an all or nothing type of person. It generally takes me forever to make a real concrete decision but once I've made it it's in stone. I've decided to leave him when our son graduates HS. I've weighed pros and cons... .and there are too many very important pros for our son for me to wait just a little bit longer. It's hard tho and many times throughout the day I find myself thinking no-no-no.

The steps that need to be taken? I think those are being taken now. Naturally because of my lack of 'feeling' for him anymore. I just don't feel much of anything for him now. He can sense it and asks me constantly whats wrong... .he knows whats wrong so I don't say much... .It's me pulling away from him further and further... .I can't seem to help it... .

this is the major problem for me, I feel like I'm lying now because I don't want to be with him but I don't want to rock the boat and so I'm lying in my actions when I let him hug me, when I let him kiss me... .I'm lying when he tells me he loves me (over and over)... .and I tell him I love him too... .I'm lying... .over and over... .and that's not good for me.

I was having a conversation with the Creator (God) this morning in the shower ( just thinking very hard) and I had a thought... .I've prayed for guidance, for help, for wisdom to do the right thing for my kids... .and my prayers have been answered over and over in many forms... .and this one, this form, is telling me to 'get out' and yet I'm still thinking that I know best... .like I know that sticking it out for two more months is best for everyone... .but who am I to question the Creator's wisdom?

I would imagine that it would take at least two months to make a plan and move... .isn't that correct?  

I would imagine it very difficult to live with the hugging and kissing, knowing that you want out - I would imagine that it feels a little like lying on your part... .yes?

If you decide you want to sit down and tell your husband the truth, have you considered sitting down and telling your son first?  I'm not 100% sure this is a good idea, it's just a thought.  Maybe tell him somewhere private, but not at home. Or at least not in the same building as your husband.  Allow him to have his reactions, help him deal with the new looming reality, and then go tell your husband?  All just random thoughts... .

[Danie14]

jhkbuzz, I hadn't thought about tell my son what's happening. I don't want to drag him into the middle of me and his dad's issues. But his will be forever changed so maybe it is his business too? I'll have to think on that a bit more.

FracturedReality, I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you, I'm not... .you could be my son or my daughter or a representation of them. I'd never talk to my kids about their dad or my issues with him because I don't want them to even feel like they're in the middle of this mess. I would welcome talking to you more for your perspective.

[jhkbuzz]

jhkbuzz, I hadn't thought about tell my son what's happening. I don't want to drag him into the middle of me and his dad's issues. But his will be forever changed so maybe it is his business too? I'll have to think on that a bit more.

FracturedReality, I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you, I'm not... .you could be my son or my daughter or a representation of them. I'd never talk to my kids about their dad or my issues with him because I don't want them to even feel like they're in the middle of this mess. I would welcome talking to you more for your perspective.

There is a difference between telling your son what's happening and "dragging him in the middle of you and your husband's issues."  A VERY big difference.

He is nearly an adult.  He is probably aware that things aren't quite "right." Telling him about your decisions: that you've decided to end the marriage, that you love him (your son) very much; where he will stay when he's on break from college; those are the kinds of things you would discuss. You would need to think out beforehand how you will respond when he asks you why you're ending the marriage and not overshare.  I think if you keep in mind that you want your children to have a r/s with both you and your husband then you will know what not to share.

But be prepared - if you do this, you will need to talk to your husband very soon after you talk to your son. If your husband gets this information from your son it is likely that everything will go to hell in a hand basket pretty quickly.