Recycle Attempt looming

[Depression = 72% of members]

As most of you know, I remained LC with my exBPDgf, been supportive of the steps she is taking to improve on her life and find balance. I am proud of steps she has taken and there has been a real change in her. She's taking responsibility for her financial situation by looking for a new job and making steady improvements. The number of crisis she has tried to involve me in has diminished over the past couple of months too. Since making changes in myself, I've become more validating with words rather than actions and feel comfortable with where I am in my healing process and with Therapy too.

ExBPDgf rather than contacting me to sort out her problems is now contacting me to tell me she has sorted things out and how she's done it. I know she does it to seek reassurance and have someone tell her they are proud of her (parent/child) and I much prefer this to outbursts and rages.

Last night had a missed call, this morning got a text message to tell me she tried calling. Yesterday was my time with my children so I didn't respond but sent a brief text this morning to wish her well on her job interview tomorrow.

The response back was the reason for the phone call last night is because she wants to come over and stay, she misses me.

Given all I've learned over the past several months and through my own Therapy, I'm under no illusion and know exactly how things play out. I don't want to step backwards into a relationship and I'm happy with where my life is right now. I've been dating a month now with someone who is really nice, happy to take things slowly (has had their own dealings with pwBPD) so is equally as cautious with rushing into anything. Someone who a) Hasn't declared love for me b) Hasn't proposed c) Hasn't moved in or asked me to move in with them d) Happy to let me be me

My response back to exBPDgf was that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to come and stay. Got lots on with work and my children at the moment anyway so don't really have the time. I guess I just have to let it play out now and if it creates a divide, then that's what happens. As it stands, she's been texting me most of today about various random things so I guess my response didn't phase her too much.

I think at this point, i just need to remain alert and wary but have enough in me now not to want to go backwards.

[Ripped Heart]

As most of you know, I remained LC with my exBPDgf, been supportive of the steps she is taking to improve on her life and find balance. I am proud of steps she has taken and there has been a real change in her. She's taking responsibility for her financial situation by looking for a new job and making steady improvements. The number of crisis she has tried to involve me in has diminished over the past couple of months too. Since making changes in myself, I've become more validating with words rather than actions and feel comfortable with where I am in my healing process and with Therapy too.

ExBPDgf rather than contacting me to sort out her problems is now contacting me to tell me she has sorted things out and how she's done it. I know she does it to seek reassurance and have someone tell her they are proud of her (parent/child) and I much prefer this to outbursts and rages.

Last night had a missed call, this morning got a text message to tell me she tried calling. Yesterday was my time with my children so I didn't respond but sent a brief text this morning to wish her well on her job interview tomorrow.

The response back was the reason for the phone call last night is because she wants to come over and stay, she misses me.

Given all I've learned over the past several months and through my own Therapy, I'm under no illusion and know exactly how things play out. I don't want to step backwards into a relationship and I'm happy with where my life is right now. I've been dating a month now with someone who is really nice, happy to take things slowly (has had their own dealings with pwBPD) so is equally as cautious with rushing into anything. Someone who a) Hasn't declared love for me b) Hasn't proposed c) Hasn't moved in or asked me to move in with them d) Happy to let me be me

My response back to exBPDgf was that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to come and stay. Got lots on with work and my children at the moment anyway so don't really have the time. I guess I just have to let it play out now and if it creates a divide, then that's what happens. As it stands, she's been texting me most of today about various random things so I guess my response didn't phase her too much.

I think at this point, i just need to remain alert and wary but have enough in me now not to want to go backwards.

[jhkbuzz]

I think at this point, i just need to remain alert and wary but have enough in me now not to want to go backwards.

You sound clear and steady. You also sound pretty detached, which should allow you to keep your wits about you.  I hope it all works out well!  

[downwhim]

Sounds pretty healthy to me. She may have gotten wind you have someone else in the picture and wants to mark her territory. Only, her territory may no longer be hers!

[Mutt]

Hi RippedHeart,

You’re really improving  

As it stands, she's been texting me most of today about various random things so I guess my response didn't phase her too much.

She may be testing if you're attached.

[mitatsu]

Sounds pretty healthy to me. She may have gotten wind you have someone else in the picture and wants to mark her territory. Only, her territory may no longer be hers!

If only i understood this concept last year... .Stay strong RH

[Loosestrife]

Stay strong 

[Ripped Heart]

Got word yesterday that she didn't bother to turn up for the interview. In her mind, she had already talked herself down so today I do feel a little bad for her because I know she had the skills and quality for that job. Still, that's her choices to make.

It's a pattern I've come to recognise with her, self sabotage because she doesn't consider herself worthy, she runs, hits a downhill spiral and ends up back at square one.

Mutt - I do think she is testing the attachment given this pattern. It's almost like she tested to see if I was still there before the self sabotage so that maybe I can pick up the pieces for her. I'm way too tired and detached for that now. I'll continue to offer support and encouragement with the choices she makes but I'm not going to get involved with sorting everything out for her, those are her choices and her consequences.

[Ripped Heart]

She may be testing if you're attached.

Definitely believe this to be the case now. Had a text tonight from exBPDgf asking if she could call just for a casual catch up.

When she called, she's not done very much so when I asked the real reason for the call, it's because she wanted to hear my voice, because she had a really bad few days and I always make things better for her and because she wanted to see if I still cared enough to want to speak to her.

So yes, the true purpose for the call was to test and reassure herself that there is an attachment there because her abandonment fears are playing on her mind.

[Turkish]

My Ex texted me the other night to ask if S5 and D2 (almost 3) had taken a bath the previous night when they were with me. I responded "yes." She could have asked them, no? She called well after 10PM later. I didn't answer. I was eating pasta and watching a show. She didn't leave a message. Rude. It must not have been important...

She called two days later during the day to discuss kid issues. I even tossed the phone into the back seat so D2 could talk to her. No mention of the previous night, just logistics about the kids.

Boundaries... .

Part of me wanted to answer though. But I was eating pasta and watching tv. If it were important, she would have left a message and I may have called her back. I'm not responsible for her feelings.

[Loosestrife]

My Ex texted me the other night to ask if S5 and D2 (almost 3) had taken a bath the previous night when they were with me. I responded "yes." She could have asked them, no? She called well after 10PM later. I didn't answer. I was eating pasta and watching a show. She didn't leave a message. Rude. It must not have been important...

She called two days later during the day to discuss kid issues. I even tossed the phone into the back seat so D2 could talk to her. No mention of the previous night, just logistics about the kids.

Boundaries... .

Part of me wanted to answer though. But I was eating pasta and watching tv. If it were important, she would have left a message and I may have called her back. I'm not responsible for her feelings.

Most kids would say they had a bath, so I think the text could be plausible . I think not answering at 22:00 and letting the kids speak to her are good examples, thanks Turkish

[Ripped Heart]

My Ex texted me the other night to ask if S5 and D2 (almost 3) had taken a bath the previous night when they were with me. I responded "yes." She could have asked them, no? She called well after 10PM later. I didn't answer. I was eating pasta and watching a show. She didn't leave a message. Rude. It must not have been important...

That's the logic I don't quite figure out when it's the most simple and out of left field question that surely they know we know could be answered elsewhere.

I spent Easter weekend with the girl I'm dating and her family and it was like exBPDgf knew. The calls started on Thursday night because she had a couple of questions over things that were trivial that she could have found the answers to on Google. I did engage her a couple of times but cut the calls short as we had quite a busy weekend. It seemed the more brief I left things, the more she tried to engage.

Yesterday came the call about not being able to get online to pay her internet bill. Then followed several calls because she wanted to talk to me and finally texts today to say she was thinking about me.

Just now has come the call to say she's been putting on a brave face for the past week because she's off balance and not well. By that she means one of her BPD cycles has kicked in and she doesn't have anyone she can talk to about it. We talked it through and I can understand where she is coming from as her conflict seems not to be around having BPD but that she knows that the negative thoughts she has are illogical but that she has no control over them.

She said she can only talk about positive things with other people but that makes her feel worse because then she's containing everything else and nobody wants to hear about the negative without thinking she's crazy or that they don't have time to listen. Apparently, I'm the only person who sees her for who she is and accepts her for who she is which is why when she feels bad, she wants to talk to me even more.

It's when she can open up like that where I feel most empathetic to what she must be going through because it cannot be easy for her. She recognises these things but has no control and that has to be hard. I know it's her inability to self soothe but in the same respects, she isn't trying to knock down boundaries.

In your example there Turkish, do you think that the reasons for the message you got are somewhat similar even if not for the same reasons. That your ex just wants to feel there is an attachment or is feeling something negative and is reaching out for a positive interaction?

I chose to keep a connection open with exBPDgf because although her cheating ended the r/s, she tries hard to be a good person (and is a good person) she just has a very difficult time regulating emotions and does often take responsibility for those feelings, just doesn't know how to process them.

[Loosestrife]

Ripped heart - does your new gf know about your contact with  BPD ex? Why do you still feel like it is still your responsibility to care for her and do you think this is stopping her from reaching out for other support and keeps her dependent on you? I have asked myself the latter question recently... .

[Ripped Heart]

Loosestrife, new gf was present for 2 of the calls this weekend and it's something I've spoken to her about. We both have had pwBPD in our lives (her mother, her ex and her friend) so there is an understanding there. She hasn't had anything to do with her mother for over 10 years now, no contact with ex but is the crisis line for her friend in a similar way that I am for my exBPDgf.

It was something I thought would be awkward and had it been an issue for her (or becomes an issue) then it will need to be re-evaluated. As far as she is concerned, as long as there is no romantic connection there, she's ok with it as she does have an exbf that is one of her best friends. Again, it comes down to boundaries and as things stand with exBPDgf, she isn't trampling on any boundaries at this point.

As to why it's my responsibility, it's not in one sense simply because it's not my responsibility. However, as a friend and someone who tries to be supportive, I do look out for exBPDgf in the same way I would look out for any of my friends in trouble. The difference being, a friend in trouble will usually resolve the issue themselves but my need that extra morale support. exBPDgf is trying to resolve her issues herself but it seems needs just that bit more extra morale support. I wouldn't say she is dependent on me because I don't step in and resolve her issues for her anymore(I used to), that's down to her. What I do offer is someone she can talk to so that she doesn't feel she is alone.

I don't think it stops her reaching out for other support because she does tend to cycle through people (not just romantically) but possibly it could have an effect on getting the right kind of support. She has been there and tried that but didn't stick at it. I think for me one of the big things is that I know how difficult it is when the odds are stacked against you, when people fear what they don't understand (I'm high functioning Aspergers) so I can relate to how difficult things must be for her living in a world that doesn't always understand you and I think that's why I still have that connection. Because I know what it's like to be different and to be judged on those differences.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks Ripped heart for such an insighful and honest post.

It gives me some hope that I may be able to be there for my BPD if we split again.

[Ripped Heart]

Loosestrife, it was a conversation I had with my T this week as to whether or not I was doing the right thing. When we discussed it in detail, T said that I have a really good balance and perspective in terms of exBPDgf and that as long as I stay within my boundaries, things are just fine.

All of us on this site are here because of pwBPD or people who show many traits, some are diagnosed and others are just suspected. One thing I have seen a lot of are glimpses of black and white thinking in the sense that a breakup with pwBPD you should run fast in the opposite direction and never look back. Just as people are unique in their own rights so are pwBPD. What links them together is they share a lot of the same traits from a really nasty mental disorder that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I've chosen to keep a connection with exBPDgf because she is a good person and does try. There was only a couple of times she came out with nasty comments and she took responsibility for those times to the point she was actually more devastated than I was. What ended the r/s was that she cheated and that came from her own fears of abandonment. As I said to my T this week, her actions are what ended the relationship but holding on to the pain and anger it caused are my emotions to deal with and I chose to accept it and move past it. At the end of the day, the r/s ending was punishment enough and I don't feel I should be in a position to punish her further and that's when I chose to let go of the pain. I accept that her illness played a part in her actions but what I asked for from her was honesty and that's what she couldn't give.

Detached from the romantic element, she sees that despite her actions I'm still there. Maybe not in the same capacity we were as a couple but that I whilst she was trying to be deceptive and hating herself for it, I knew and I was still there. She says now that I understand her better than she understands herself but she is trying. The reason a relationship wouldn't work though is because despite the trying, she will always revert to survival mode without the proper help and I'm not prepared to step back into the uncertainty. Aside from that, she's still the wonderful person I know her to be even if she has her moments. She was upfront right from the start about BPD and how she usually self destructs in relationships and she desperately didn't want to do that again. However, once things started feeling familiar, the same patterns emerged and it happened anyway. I don't for one minute believe it was malicious in any way, it was something she has not yet learned to control.

On the other hand, I was married to a very nasty and abusive pwNPD/BPD who took no responsibility, even going as far as when she was physically abusive having the ability to make it feel like it was your fault. She was nasty, abusive and manipulative not only towards me but anyone who got in her way. She would enjoy tearing someones life apart and even considered having the ability to control others a great quality.

Given they both share the same diagnosis in terms of having BPD, there is no possible way I would ever be in contact with me exN/BPDw again. I have no desire to despite the fact that after 3 years she still attempts to contact me and that ranges from nice, sweet emails to nasty and abusive ones. Threats, pleading etc... it's all gone off in the past 3 years and I've stayed NC throughout.

In other words, after you have dealt with the emotions and are left with the facts how you choose to move on. Whether your pwBPD is part of your life or not is how you see them as a whole. The person and the illness and also you have to factor in whether that person wants you in their life too. You also have to accept that a relationship outside of a romantic one is quite different to friends you may have.

For a start, it's usually one sided. You being there for them but knowing you can't put your faith in them being there for you as a friend. There is always the chance that my exBPDgf finds someone else and I suddenly become the villain because within a BPD relationship of any kind, there is usually a villain, a rescuer and a victim. At the moment, my exBPDgf has enough villains to tell me about, but that can (and has) change without warning.

There is always the chance that they get the police involved for harassment even if that's not the case. My exBPDgf got an RO against her ex for stalking and calling her. When I spoke to him quite recently, she was the one calling him and although she deleted those entries from her phone, he could prove it from his. I suspected that was the case because there was no possible way he could have had her new number late last year when he called unless she had given it to him. So given these patterns, I'm also extremely careful of how I deal with her, I don't call her or contact her, it's usually her contacting me so I'm having to document those things in case she tries something similar. She may not but I do have to keep my guard up.

These are just some of the things to consider too if you decide to keep contact with an ex who has BPD. Again, the illness plays a big role in all of that because to a pwBPD feelings = facts and there is many times where the facts can be distorted to match the feelings.

Given all of that, it's also why I couldn't go back into a recycle and why I'm happy with the balance as it is right now. If she chose to walk away tomorrow, I would miss her but I've already grieved the loss of the relationship and would accept that is her choice to make.

[FannyB]

RH

Awesome post. I too choose to remain in contact with mine because I love her but am no longer in love with her. All part of a phased withdrawal strategy. If she paints me black again and cuts contact  I can live with that now. I genuinely wish her well, but as she is undiagnosed her future prospects, romantically, do not look bright.