Why Are BPD's Prone to Long Distance Relationships?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My last relationship was for the most part long distance. I know for a fact that my ex was in several long distance relationships prior to our meeting. I think there are several reasons why she was attracted to those type of relationships.

- Challenge: I remember her famously saying to me that there was no one local in Colorado that she could date. I thought that assertion was asinine but that was part of her mentality. Her friends also used to say that she always pursued people who were difficult to have. Distance fit that perfectly.

- Safety: Long distance was safe for her. It soothed her engulfment fears. You can't get close to someone if they are hundreds of miles away.

- Control: It's about control. Control! If you are not around you can control the relationship. You can control the image you portray. You can keep your other sources of supply. You can make the person you are dating work for affections. You can make that person use up their free time and weekends on traveling. 

- Abandonment: It is easier to abandon and sever ties if you date someone long distance. You don't have to see that person. You don't have to deal with similar social circles. It fits quite well.

What you think guys? Anything to add?

[Jack2727]

My last relationship was for the most part long distance. I know for a fact that my ex was in several long distance relationships prior to our meeting. I think there are several reasons why she was attracted to those type of relationships.

- Challenge: I remember her famously saying to me that there was no one local in Colorado that she could date. I thought that assertion was asinine but that was part of her mentality. Her friends also used to say that she always pursued people who were difficult to have. Distance fit that perfectly.

- Safety: Long distance was safe for her. It soothed her engulfment fears. You can't get close to someone if they are hundreds of miles away.

- Control: It's about control. Control! If you are not around you can control the relationship. You can control the image you portray. You can keep your other sources of supply. You can make the person you are dating work for affections. You can make that person use up their free time and weekends on traveling. 

- Abandonment: It is easier to abandon and sever ties if you date someone long distance. You don't have to see that person. You don't have to deal with similar social circles. It fits quite well.

What you think guys? Anything to add?

[jhkbuzz]

My last relationship was for the most part long distance. I know for a fact that my ex was in several long distance relationships prior to our meeting. I think there are several reasons why she was attracted to those type of relationships.

- Challenge: I remember her famously saying to me that there was no one local in Colorado that she could date. I thought that assertion was asinine but that was part of her mentality. Her friends also used to say that she always pursued people who were difficult to have. Distance fit that perfectly.

- Safety: Long distance was safe for her. It soothed her engulfment fears. You can't get close to someone if they are hundreds of miles away.

- Control: It's about control. Control! If you are not around you can control the relationship. You can control the image you portray. You can keep your other sources of supply. You can make the person you are dating work for affections. You can make that person use up their free time and weekends on traveling. 

- Abandonment: It is easier to abandon and sever ties if you date someone long distance. You don't have to see that person. You don't have to deal with similar social circles. It fits quite well.

What you think guys? Anything to add?

Fantasy

[Confused?]

Any long distant relationship is complete bs in my eyes. It's one thing to be in a relationship and then go long distance (say someone joins army or moves for work while other is in school) but to actually start a long distance relationship what are you really doing. I have read a lot of people on here saying their relationships were with BPD from different states and hours away. I'm not saying a long distance relationship is bad but take it for what it is. One of the most common BPD traits said by people detaching on this site is infidelity. A long distant relationship is by far the easiest way to commit this. Not to mention the needs and wants of the BPD. By controlling the relationship from distance it is every single BPDs dream. Mine used to talk to a guy in California. He was not a looker but after everything that I have seen I'm sure she might have even told him that they were dating. Who even knows anymore.

[raisins3142]

Mine seemed fine with me taking a job 10 hours away.  I did not however.

Maybe she was just supporting anything I'd like to do.

I don't know.  I have a few alternate hypotheses.

1. I would be isolated from my close friends and family and so her "competition" would be lessened.

2. She could cheat or chat up other guys and I'd never know it.

3. She could manage her engulfment fears.

4. She could present a false self to me and try really hard to be "normal" the few times a month I saw her.

5. I was going to make a lot of money, and she probably saw herself benefiting from that at some point.

6. She likely knew that our relationship would end if I were around her a lot and got to know her well.

[JPH]

For my ex-NPD fiancée I believe long distance was beneficial because it allowed her to maintain the mask for a longer period of time. I pretty much lived with my ex-BPD girlfriend, so I can't speak about BPDs from experience.

[Mister Brightside]

I think you guys covered the core reasons. A few notes from my own experience to support your reasons:

(1) We originally met online (we live a long, long ways away from one another). She blatantly asked me that if things worked out if we met, if I could handle a long-distant relationship and that she had gone through several of them.

(2)(a) She's got over 1,000 Facebook friends, but she seemingly doesn't hang around anybody but her coworkers (almost exclusively males who probably don't mind having a female around even if she is nuts and has been in sexual relationships with some of them). I asked her why she doesn't like going to her local congregation for church, and she said, "I don't know anybody." Being that she has over 1,000 friends on Facebook, which clearly means little, I took that to mean that people in her immediate area probably realize very quickly how crazy she is, and that probably makes her feel abandoned.

(2)(b) To go along with the above, she was a master at roping me in online. You can obviously hide a lot without body language and day to day life. The second day I knew her in person, I knew something was very, very wrong. So again, in long distant relationships, they can keep the mask on better.

[Maternus]

The relationship with my uBPDex begun as a long distance relationship. She lived in another town, about 3 hours away from me. After about 6 months (idealisation phase) she moved to my town, but we lived in different parts of the town. After one more year (clinger phase) I moved into an apartment around the corner to her place. That was the time when the circles of idealisation and devaluation subtly surfaced. Two years later we moved in together and she left me - (hater phase).







 

[parisian]

I don't think that BPDs are prone to long distance relationships any more than the general population.

Remember they need attachment, and have a constant fear of abandonment. If the Significant Other is not physically near, that is likely to cause a high degree of anxiety for some.

[antelope]

... .while the cat's away... .

[FracturedReality]

Any long distant relationship is complete bs in my eyes. It's one thing to be in a relationship and then go long distance (say someone joins army or moves for work while other is in school) but to actually start a long distance relationship what are you really doing. I have read a lot of people on here saying their relationships were with BPD from different states and hours away. I'm not saying a long distance relationship is bad but take it for what it is. One of the most common BPD traits said by people detaching on this site is infidelity. A long distant relationship is by far the easiest way to commit this. Not to mention the needs and wants of the BPD. By controlling the relationship from distance it is every single BPDs dream. Mine used to talk to a guy in California. He was not a looker but after everything that I have seen I'm sure she might have even told him that they were dating. Who even knows anymore.

I just want to point out a distinction. Long distance friendships are totally viable.


Life partnerships? Completely different story, and I'll agree with you

[Alberto]

I don't think that BPDs are prone to long distance relationships any more than the general population.

Remember they need attachment, and have a constant fear of abandonment. If the Significant Other is not physically near, that is likely to cause a high degree of anxiety for some.

Close, intimate relationships are the achilles heel of BPDs. It's true that they crave that the most, but also gets them completely disregulated. My relationship was closer and more fulfilling when we were friends, the moment she knew i knew she had feelings for me, irrational behaviour, lies and push/pull dominated.

Now, she is in a lesbian relationship with someone 500 miles away, texting 24/7 and meeting once every 2 weeks. It's a compromise, not what they ultimately want, but allows them psychologival survival.

[BorisAcusio]

I don't think that BPDs are prone to long distance relationships any more than the general population.

Remember they need attachment, and have a constant fear of abandonment. If the Significant Other is not physically near, that is likely to cause a high degree of anxiety for some.

Close, intimate relationships are the achilles heel of BPDs. It's true that they crave that the most, but also gets them completely disregulated.

That^^

And as jhkbuzz said, fantasy.

Pathological yearning through Fantasy expectations of *both* people explain the behavior of cluster B long distance relationships. Cluster B people often prefer to indulge themselves (and others) with grandiose fantasy- but in reality, such a fantasy life cannot be maintained because it is the muddled substitute for true coping on a day to day basis. Without the ability to handle everyday stress, the false self seeks gratification from outside sources that are plentiful on the Internet.

Borderline personality disorder has a fusional quality for both people involved. Utilizing long distance allows for projective identification as well as mirroring.  When it gets broken (as it always does because it is unrealistic) both parties wonder what happened to the fantasy.

Unfortunately, a Cluster B person acts out in retaliation because they were scapegoated as children. Beliefs are never divorced from strong emotions to a Borderline and anyone threatening that belief (that they are not to blame) will be attacked and scapegoated as well.  

This is a disorder- it works with fantasy. Long distance partners are chosen because they present less of a threat to the fantasy and are easier to maintain at a distance.

PwBPD use other people to offset anxiety, as if they were inanimate to serve a self-regulating, soothing function, those multiple attachments are much more manageable in a long distance relationship.

[jhkbuzz]

I don't think that BPDs are prone to long distance relationships any more than the general population.

Remember they need attachment, and have a constant fear of abandonment. If the Significant Other is not physically near, that is likely to cause a high degree of anxiety for some.

Close, intimate relationships are the achilles heel of BPDs. It's true that they crave that the most, but also gets them completely disregulated.

That^^

And as jhkbuzz said, fantasy.

Pathological yearning through Fantasy expectations of *both* people explain the behavior of cluster B long distance relationships. Cluster B people often prefer to indulge themselves (and others) with grandiose fantasy- but in reality, such a fantasy life cannot be maintained because it is the muddled substitute for true coping on a day to day basis. Without the ability to handle everyday stress, the false self seeks gratification from outside sources that are plentiful on the Internet.

Borderline personality disorder has a fusional quality for both people involved. Utilizing long distance allows for projective identification as well as mirroring.  When it gets broken (as it always does because it is unrealistic) both parties wonder what happened to the fantasy.

Unfortunately, a Cluster B person acts out in retaliation because they were scapegoated as children. Beliefs are never divorced from strong emotions to a Borderline and anyone threatening that belief (that they are not to blame) will be attacked and scapegoated as well.  

This is a disorder- it works with fantasy. Long distance partners are chosen because they present less of a threat to the fantasy and are easier to maintain at a distance.

PwBPD use other people to offset anxiety, as if they were inanimate to serve a self-regulating, soothing function, those multiple attachments are much more manageable in a long distance relationship.

Thanks Boris ^   I just didn't have the energy to explain it all.