Getting control of the sexual re-plays about BPDx is really helping

[dagwoodbowser]

This may not be everyones situation with their for BPDx, but the sexual intensity between her and I was white hot, at times edgy, kinky bordering on the far fetched extremes. We fed each others obsession and addiction. Unfortunately, I didnt realize that I simply wasnt enough for her. Hence, orbitors, cheating etc, but that's another topic. I believe that, at least for her, it's all about the chase and the seduction. I began to see that her sense of self is predicated on her ability to manipulate my or other men's desire and emotions; when a seduction challenge comes to an end, so does her capacity to reinvigorate self-esteem--at least until the next elusive lover is found. Then she would boomerang back to me. It was great sport for her to seduce me back--especially after she's angered me (make up sex is hotter?). Then I finally realized what was happening. Once you've been seduced the challenge of the chase is over, and they lose interest in you.

Back to my point. It was an addiction and an obsession. Even after going N/C, the first few weeks I couldnt stop running the pornographic re-runs or fantasies about my BPDx and I. As I approached day 20, I realized I had to get a hold of this mental mind ___ing if I was going to keep moving forward. So I started forcing myself to think or fantasize about other people, situations or just make up some sort "fantasy" but Not Let her into My Production. I was the Director and she would not be invited into my personal porn! Truly, I began to notice that as I let go of "inviting" her into my sexual/sensual thoughts my days became less anxious and I thought about her less. I can now go days and she's not sneaking into my sexual psyche and it seems to be working for me. So, is it just me or has anyone else dealt with or handled this differently?

[Heldfast]

The sex memories were an incredible lure towards breaking no contact. Mine was also all that in the bedroom. But I started questioning whether I had just been in it for the sex, and if so, it was better for me just to move on. I have begun erasing those memories, as it gets more distant from the abandonment. That has helped. So has newly found, somewhat more normal sex (friend with benefits), which has helped tremendously. We have boundaries established, but she understands what I went through. BPD sex has got to be one of the greatest charms of that disease, a honeypot trap unlike any other.

[Aussie0zborn]

I knew from the first moment of separation that I would never had that type of sex again. When you tell people about the intensity of sex with a person afflicted with BPD, it is not easy to describe and they fail to understand it.

In any case, I don't miss it and I don't want it again - ever. Sex without feeling is overrated anyway.

[kc sunshine]

This is a really helpful thread.

I'm on day 18 and am feeling an uptick in the withdrawal symptoms again... .

[dagwoodbowser]

BPD sex has got to be one of the greatest charms of that disease, a honeypot trap unlike any other.

I agree with this. For those that have never been involved in the intense intimacy of a BPD relationship it is a Pandora's Box. A charm? or curse? Depends on what side your on. One does have question if what is keeping you on the hook is the sex, the emotional roller coaster or one's masochistic shame that feels we deserve to be treated as we do. I'm still sorting this out, but yeah... the sex is a primary lure.

[4Years5Months]

My ex wasn't exactly a pro in the bedroom (she was a virgin when we started dating) but she was INCREDIBLY open sexually for someone with zero experience.  I mean, the other women I have slept with were prudes when it came to her.  THAT is what I miss, the opportunities, if you catch my drift.  Of course, the sex went off a cliff after a few months when it went from passionate to a requirement/performance evaluation every time we did it, but the openness was always there.  I'll probably never have a woman who is that uninhibited again, definitely not at the outset of the relationship.

[HappyNihilist]

Sex has been used for control and manipulation since the beginning of humanity... .because it's terribly effective. It's unsurprising that a lot of borderlines (male and female) use it to ensure attachment.

This is a paraphrased excerpt from an article on sexual abuse (mainly from NPDs and ASPDs), but I think it's useful in helping to understand the sexual progression of a disordered relationship--

Stage 1 - The partner is asked or forced to reveal his/her sexual preferences and experiences to the pwPD.

Stage 2 - The pwPD conditions the partner to direct his/her entire sexuality towards the pwPD, in an intense sexual relationship.

Stage 3 - The pwPD dramatically reduces sexual intensity, so that the partner is in constant sexual need (sexual hyperarousal).

Stage 4 - The pwPD grants improper sexual gratification to maintain the partner's sexual need. Now the partner is sexually dependent on the pwPD and can be humiliated, manipulated, and used.

Besides the fact that my exBPDbf was super-attractive, "blessed" in certain ways, and one of the top 2 talented lovers I've ever had - I also have certain uncommon sexual proclivities that he was perfect at fulfilling, and I was perfect at fulfilling his own special proclivities. Talk about feeding each other's darkness, obsession, and addiction. He was stunned after the first few times we were together, saying he'd finally found his "sexual equal," and from then on referred to us "gods in bed."

Eros and Thanatos - the driving forces of human existence (I have to side with Freud here) - all wrapped up in one intense, beautiful, terrible, toxic package. And yes, wildly addictive. I loved him for many reasons (and we were friends before we started a r/s, and I always genuinely liked him), but the sex played a large role in keeping me enmeshed. (Or, shall I say, in myself staying enmeshed. )

I've had better sex since then, but - like Aussie said - I know I will never have that type of sex again.

Do I want it? Not knowing what lies behind it, no. Our sex life was within a dysfunctional, toxic relationship. Not to mention that it became a method of control and manipulation, and that's about the farthest thing from true intimacy that could be.

Do I miss sex with him, in and of itself? Well... .yeah, not gonna lie.

But I also miss the times when we were sweet and gentle and slow with each other, and I would sometimes cry from happiness and emotional release, and he would kiss my tears away. Sex is such an intimate, vulnerable act, and realizing that there was no true intimacy behind it - when for 2 years I believed there was - is pretty damn heartbreaking.

Which leads me to another point, on borderlines and sex. Borderlines crave love and intimacy, while at the same time being terrified of it and not understanding what it truly entails. The intense sex (especially in the idealization phase) could very well also be what the borderline sees as being intimate with a partner. Going through the motions without fully understanding the concept.

[raisins3142]

Same here as far as initial intensity.

Mine stated (lied?) that I was the only man she had not been dysfunctional with.  However, when I did certain things (like be gentle and sweet with her), I would immediately notice her body reverting to the dysfunctions she mentioned.  So, it was stressful because I knew I could get cut off from sex by her if I did something wrong or was not seen as super dominant/manly/blah blah every second.  When one dysfunction (inability to orgasm) became to crop up I actually caught her faking them.  When I mentioned this, she tried harder to fake them convincingly (?) by using her hand sneakily to mimic typical female muscle contractions.  I was flabbergasted when she tried that out of desperation or thinking I was dumb as a rock.

After I found out she had 2 STDs that she lied about and more about her sexual past (infidelity, etc), I became somewhat physically repulsed by her.  I had to attempt to get turned on by the idea of being with a woman that had had a lot of meaningless sex with random dudes and cheated as a sort of kink.  Because my image of her as someone with self respect and honor and intimacy was blown to shreds.  I was sleeping with the type of woman that I avoid.  It never worked and my total loss of sexual attraction to her coincided with my leaving rather nicely.

I know she was trying to manipulate me in all of this.

Towards the end, she knew I was just barely hanging in the relationship.  Prior to this, she would not initiate sex.  Well, when I would lay there ignoring her sexually because I just was not attracted anymore, I'd feel her hand cold from poor circulation going right toward the "target area" with no actual passion or intimacy involved, not even a kiss or cuddle.  It was actually repulsive and it felt like a reptile or something was after me.  And I knew exactly why she was doing it: she had screwed everything up and she had no emotional resources to fix things.  It was a very clear demonstration of what she actually believed was her most important resource in the relationship.

[mrwigand]

Dude, I'll be completely honest with you... .I dealt with EXACTLY the same thing in terms of continuing to fantasize about my BPDexg after the relationship was over. In fact, I even started a thread on here about it once upon a time .

The struggle is real ha!

[4Years5Months]

Which leads me to another point, on borderlines and sex. Borderlines crave love and intimacy, while at the same time being terrified of it and not understanding what it truly entails. The intense sex (especially in the idealization phase) could very well also be what the borderline sees as being intimate with a partner. Going through the motions without fully understanding the concept.

Last year, in the middle of one of many push away phases with my ex, we hung out one night and slept together.  She had established that we "couldn't" be together, but still was attached to me (likely looking for a replacement).  Right in the middle of sex (which was going VERY well), she began to sob and cry, hysterically.  Like, blubbering crying.  We had to stop for ten minutes.  I was astonished.

[dagwoodbowser]

Eros and Thanatos - the driving forces of human existence (I have to side with Freud here) - all wrapped up in one intense, beautiful, terrible, toxic package. And yes, wildly addictive. I loved him for many reasons (and we were friends before we started a r/s, and I always genuinely liked him), but the sex played a large role in keeping me enmeshed. (Or, shall I say, in myself staying enmeshed. wink)

I've had better sex since then, but - like Aussie said - I know I will never have that type of sex again.

Do I want it? Not knowing what lies behind it, no. Our sex life was within a dysfunctional, toxic relationship. Not to mention that it became a method of control and manipulation, and that's about the farthest thing from true intimacy that could be.

Do I miss sex with him, in and of itself? Well... .yeah, not gonna lie.

HappyNilhilist, I understand this. In a twisted way, it is beautiful to behold. It is what poets try to express in written language and Hollywood tries to duplicate in Love Stories but at the end of the scene it is a shallow fantasy. A drug of emotions and feelings that requires larger and larger doses. Before you know it you're a junkie. As a non-PWD, you wait around for your BPD Lover while he or she actively goes out and "feeds" on others outside your relationship. When I first discovered she was cheating it hurt like hell, but I placed myself in Denial mode and like a lab rat started to press on the lever harder and harder believing that if I gave more, became more available, tried more kink, gave more that I could fulfill her needs and desires. Then you realize that you have a ceramic jug of water that can never be filled or satisfied as you dont realize that at it's base it has a crack that only the experienced eye can see. You pour your liquid of love into the vessel yet you wonder why it never seems to overflow or get filled.