Online BPD Nightmare

[OlderOne]

I met a 60 year old gentleman online and it was the mistake of my life. I was 57 at the time and had no idea what I was in for! He charmed me and I was overwhelmed by the intense attention he gave me. I was not aware of BPD at the time. I am still in shock and afraid of what he could do.  I was married for 22 years and had gone through a lot of pain so I guess I was like a sitting duck to him. I have never been so controlled by anyone and he never gave up. When I tried to break it off he cried and begged. Threw himself on the bed and pouted I couldn't believe it. This was a 60 year old man! However, he would change and act fairly normal for a while.  The relationship was always high conflict with me trying to gain some control. We would argue and he would get very verbally abusive and rage almost unable to function.  He would tell me I disgusted him and he couldn't stand the sight of me.  Many times he was grumpy and unpleasant to be with but other times he was okay. I didn't have family near so I guess he pushed his way in knowing He was dealing with someone he could push around. He could lie at the drop of a hat. He was self centered and had a hard time showing interest in me. I think he tried at times but really couldn't.  I didn't put all of these symptoms together until recently. I would search online for help and did find some good information.

I have not seen him in two weeks. We broke up and he came back many times. I hope this time it's for good. One thing that really frightened me was his use of revenge. when he became upset with me, After a rage he would calm down and then covertly damage something of mine in the house.  When he was stressed he would scratch himself so that the tops of his hands would bleed.  I never saw him do this and he has never admitted that he harms himself.

I'm sure I've been damaged by this insanity so I'm reaching out and hoping to get some help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome! You should find a lot of information here that will help you figure out which way is up.

Are you wanting to leave him? If so, you might try posting on the leaving boards. If you are unsure, the undecided boards are great. If you want to try to work on the relationship and figure out how to make things work with him, this is the place to be. I would recommend starting with the lessons that you can find on the right side of the forum. They are full of helpful information that can help you make a decision about how to move forward.

How long have the two of you been together?

As you read through the lessons, you can post any questions that you have and somebody will come along and try to help you figure things out!

[Crumbling]

Hi, OlderOne.

How long has this man been in your life?  Sound like you've been through quite a nightmare.

Vortex is right, the lessons on the right are really great, and I would recommend you start with the Safety First link at the very bottom, just to be prepared.  It sort of sounds like this man has very unpredictable behaviours, as many with BPD do.

His tendency to seek revenge is something I would worry about too.  My first husband was prone to revenge in that way.  It's really scary to be around someone like that, I know.  Keep yourself safe.  It's okay to not tell him how to reach you, or where you are, if you feel you need to.

I'm glad you are reaching out for help.     And you've come to the right place!  Lots of people here are seeking to heal, and the Leaving Board will have great resources for you, if that's where you feel you want to be.



Crumbsy

[OlderOne]

Thanks for the replies. I know it's crazy but we met in 2010 and I've just now been able to break contact. I believe I was afraid (subconsciously, too) of him and didn't want to make things worse.  I had some support from friends (out of town) and I have been thankful for that.  I also believed I could help him. Now I believe he really didn't care that much for me and was just using me. He kept saying he had no one else and I was all he had.  He's a very "sick" individual and he's not interested in getting help. If he moves on now it will be the best thing that has ever happened to me. However, the silence (not hearing from) is eerie! I met his family (what's left) and they were very nice.  I could not figure out why they didn't say something to me about his problems. Job loss, temper, etc.

I can't believe he can live with anyone. During one rage he said he would crush my skull. But when the rage was over he was back to normal. A different atmosphere. I want to move on and be free to enjoy my life even if it's by myself.

[an0ught]

Hi OlderOne,

I have not seen him in two weeks. We broke up and he came back many times. I hope this time it's for good. One thing that really frightened me was his use of revenge. when he became upset with me, After a rage he would calm down and then covertly damage something of mine in the house.  When he was stressed he would scratch himself so that the tops of his hands would bleed.  I never saw him do this and he has never admitted that he harms himself.

I'm sure I've been damaged by this insanity so I'm reaching out and hoping to get some help.

Wow, that sounds scary  .

I hope this time it's for good.

I can't believe he can live with anyone. During one rage he said he would crush my skull. But when the rage was over he was back to normal. A different atmosphere. I want to move on and be free to enjoy my life even if it's by myself.

Have taken a look at the LESSONS on the Leaving Board? If you want to go that direction it may be worth starting a thread on that board to get input from members with experience of detaching from a difficult partner.

,

a0

[Crumbling]

Hi, Older One

I'm sorry I didn't see your response earlier.  Are you in a safe place?  It all sure sounds like a horrible nightmare.  It's a great idea to focus on yourself.  You need to heal from being in that environment.  Does he know where you are?  We are all at different stages of our healing path, and it sounds like the Leaving Board will have people with common experiences that you can connect with.  They may have some tips to help you through.   

I wonder if his family didn't say anything because they didn't really have any hope that you would stick around.  Do you know much about his prior life?

  Hope your okay,

C.

[OlderOne]

For those of you who have responded, a big thanks go out to you. I feel so guilty when he tries to make contact, even by phone. I ignore his calls, but yesterday I answered just to get a sense of where his mind is taking him these days. He is angry with me still, I can hear it in his always blaming voice. His says he is seeing someone else now but would like to be with me.

I feel sorry for that person (if there is one). I now believe that he has been breaking things around my house that I once thought were either accidents or vandals. It was him all along. I left one day to go do some shopping (he didn't like) and when I returned a picture (glass)of my daughter had been broken. He said it was and an accident. I have lived in my house for years and never had a problem but after I met him my car window was broken. As far as his past, In early adulthood he did get in fights but was able to go to college get married and stay that way for 20 years.  I believe when the marriage ended so did any real stability on his part.

He lost his job and really never recovered. When I met him he was living with his elderly father. However he told me his father was living with him (I found outt later).