my xs reasons for leaving

[dobie]

OK she told me we bickered all the time exegeration but holds truth she was always unhappy or angry and of course this is all my fault or mostly  

Money she was resentful she earnt more and paid more .

She had fallen out of love but was hoping things would get better (from no effort on her part I may add )

She needed to find out who she is (engulfment)

She couldn't talk to me early on in case I convinced her to come back (no sense of self)

Apparently "we"  had drifted apart and lost the closeness

Apparently "we" became boring

Since the BU she has shown little to no empathy for the emotional impact in fact at ever turn she feels sorry for herself or minimises my pain or ignores me or plays the victim . that's if I have had any word from her unless it suited her or was from a third party .

Total lack of accountability for her behaviours everything is justified or she is the poor victim .

Her modus operandi when we have had contact over the last six months  is usually anger , the silent treatment or blame or I've done nothing wrong justifications  

When she saw my bro and he challenged her on her behaviours she told him she does "care about me " words no actions and wishes me well

Yet she can't even reply to an email hmmm

Just wondering if this sounds fimmilar to other members ? Mine did not out and out paint me black or do a disappearing act .

[GrowThroughIt]

OK she told me we bickered all the time exegeration but holds truth she was always unhappy or angry and of course this is all my fault or mostly  

Money she was resentful she earnt more and paid more .

She had fallen out of love but was hoping things would get better (from no effort on her part I may add )

She needed to find out who she is (engulfment)

She couldn't talk to me early on in case I convinced her to come back (no sense of self)

Apparently "we"  had drifted apart and lost the closeness

Apparently "we" became boring

Since the BU she has shown little to no empathy for the emotional impact in fact at ever turn she feels sorry for herself or minimises my pain or ignores me or plays the victim . that's if I have had any word from her unless it suited her or was from a third party .

Total lack of accountability for her behaviours everything is justified or she is the poor victim .

Her modus operandi when we have had contact over the last six months  is usually anger , the silent treatment or blame or I've done nothing wrong justifications  

When she saw my bro and he challenged her on her behaviours she told him she does "care about me " words no actions and wishes me well

Yet she can't even reply to an email hmmm

Just wondering if this sounds fimmilar to other members ? Mine did not out and out paint me black or do a disappearing act .

Hi Dobie,

I hope you're doing well!

Those statements that I highlighted could word for word be used to describe my b/u as well. So yep it does sound familiar.

It sucks right? You see all of this in front of you but there is nothing you can do about it. The ex will forever blame us and play the victim. *sigh*

Every relationship, every time. It's a sad life. Good luck to them. As for us, we just need to grow and become better in every aspect of life! If we don't grow from these failed r/s's then we ultimately fail ourselves! Now we can't have that now, can we?

[dobie]

Thanks for sharing sometimes when im in the fog. Think maybe she didn't have cluster b traits or a PD then I post or read on here and see the similarities

Hope your holding up bro its a long hard road but unlike them we can heal

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Hi again Dobie... .

As per yourself and Growthroughit experiences, I can relate to this 100%. This makes it worse in my eyes, being blamed for everything, which has made me  ruminating over all the issues during the relationship and effectively driven me bonkers, and taken away my self confidence. And don't get me started with the lies i've heard said about me... .In my case, it did not help that my ex has since moved on to another bloke and married a 'total idiot' (My son's words not mine!).

It does hurts like hell, still does after 2 years since we split, and I'm seeing a therapist to help me through this and to move on. But at least I have a chance of getting my life back again, find happiness and meeting someone who will appreciate me  That is the main advantage we have over our ex BPD partners. I just need my brain to accept this.

Funny thing is when I see my ex when dropping my son back to her or at  our sons school events, she does not look happy in her eyes... .And as I will only speak to her on matters regarding our son, she will act hurt when I refuse to chat with her! It's like she has forgotten that she had Iied, cheated and humiliated me in the past... .

Bizarre... .

[ShadowIntheNight]

You guys are lucky as far as I'm concerned. I got no reasons as to why she left. No you did this that or the other thing. No I'm tired of you. No you're boring. No you don't spend enough money on me, no you treat me awful. Just I'm dating men now. That's it. Who decides to change their sexual orientation (again) and not give a reason as to why? I guess in her mind she had reasons. But it appears the reason she left me after 9.5 years was I was a female. The whole thing, when I have my moments of lucidness, is absolutely absurd.

[jhkbuzz]

Funny thing is when I see my ex when dropping my son back to her or at  our sons school events, she does not look happy in her eyes... .And as I will only speak to her on matters regarding our son, she will act hurt when I refuse to chat with her! It's like she has forgotten that she had Iied, cheated and humiliated me in the past... .

Remember: emotional immaturity is the hallmark of BPD.

[Deeno02]

Yep. Totally sounds familiar. Glad I never got the chance to ask her to marry me. Got dumped just days before I was going to pop the question on her birthday.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Btw Dobie, I apologize if it appeared I was diminishing your experience by saying I hadn't experienced it and that you were lucky. It probably sounded that way and I certainly didn't mean it to be that way. My apologizes.

Shadow

[Heartbroken Eagle]

You guys are lucky as far as I'm concerned. I got no reasons as to why she left. No you did this that or the other thing. No I'm tired of you. No you're boring. No you don't spend enough money on me, no you treat me awful. Just I'm dating men now. That's it. Who decides to change their sexual orientation (again) and not give a reason as to why? I guess in her mind she had reasons. But it appears the reason she left me after 9.5 years was I was a female. The whole thing, when I have my moments of lucidness, is absolutely absurd.

Shadow,

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. No one deserves to be treated like that after 9.5 years together.

An  honest explaination of 'why' is surely the least our exBPD'S should offer us when they break up with us... .

[dobie]

Btw Dobie, I apologize if it appeared I was diminishing your experience by saying I hadn't experienced it and that you were lucky. It probably sounded that way and I certainly didn't mean it to be that way. My apologizes.

Shadow

no need to apologise no offense taken .

My x thinks closure is an hours call and me having at accept all her dumping and projections and selfish behaviours or they are "nasty" "immature" etc

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Funny thing is when I see my ex when dropping my son back to her or at  our sons school events, she does not look happy in her eyes... .And as I will only speak to her on matters regarding our son, she will act hurt when I refuse to chat with her! It's like she has forgotten that she had Iied, cheated and humiliated me in the past... .

Remember: emotional immaturity is the hallmark of BPD.

This is what I have learnt from bpdfamily. It made a lot of sense of certain aspects of our relationship. And I had tolerated a lot more C@!p from my ex than I should have done!

[Tay25]

MY uBPDexgf also said she "cared a lot about me" but continued to treat me like crap and play the victim. It truly is a wonder the mind of a pwBPD, how can they continue ruining everything around them and not realize they are the problem?

[dobie]

My x looked very happy in her fb pics

she has what she always wanted a group of friends , a six figure job , a new home , new holidays .

im left with debts , the dog i loved for five years dead (after i had to rehome him)  , therapy and all the rest .

but of course she is the victim because of all the money she spent on the carpets!

she even managed to get this idoit to send her a caring lovely email after the BU which she blanked .

there is no justice in life .

[Heartbroken Eagle]

My x looked very happy in her fb pics

she has what she always wanted a group of friends , a six figure job , a new home , new holidays .

im left with debts , the dog i loved for five years dead (after i had to rehome him)  , therapy and all the rest .

but of course she is the victim because of all the money she spent on the carpets!

she even managed to get this idoit to send her a caring lovely email after the BU which she blanked .

there is no justice in life .

Dobie

Please don't do Facebook or any other social media. It is there to rub it in our faces and pretend how great their lives are without us!  Also, If they are really happy, they would not have to feel the need or have the time to tell the world about it...

As for the victim mentality, It's their justification to behave like b___es... .

Keep your head up mate, one day we will be celebrating that these dreadful people are no longer in our lives... .

[dobie]

My x looked very happy in her fb pics

she has what she always wanted a group of friends , a six figure job , a new home , new holidays .

im left with debts , the dog i loved for five years dead (after i had to rehome him)  , therapy and all the rest .

but of course she is the victim because of all the money she spent on the carpets!

she even managed to get this idoit to send her a caring lovely email after the BU which she blanked .

there is no justice in life .

Dobie

Please don't do Facebook or any other social media. It is there to rub it in our faces and pretend how great their lives are without us!  Also, If they are really happy, they would not have to feel the need or have the time to tell the world about it...

As for the victim mentality, It's their justification to behave like b___es... .

Keep your head up mate, one day we will be celebrating that these dreadful people are no longer in our lives... .

yes its funny all her public posts are her out with the girls or on holiday or some rubbish about "learning from your past"

truth us she is happier without me and that's what stings

[Heartbroken Eagle]

My x looked very happy in her fb pics

she has what she always wanted a group of friends , a six figure job , a new home , new holidays .

im left with debts , the dog i loved for five years dead (after i had to rehome him)  , therapy and all the rest .

but of course she is the victim because of all the money she spent on the carpets!

she even managed to get this idoit to send her a caring lovely email after the BU which she blanked .

there is no justice in life .

Dobie

Please don't do Facebook or any other social media. It is there to rub it in our faces and pretend how great their lives are without us!  Also, If they are really happy, they would not have to feel the need or have the time to tell the world about it...

As for the victim mentality, It's their justification to behave like b___es... .

Keep your head up mate, one day we will be celebrating that these dreadful people are no longer in our lives... .

yes its funny all her public posts are her out with the girls or on holiday or some rubbish about "learning from your past"

truth us she is happier without me and that's what stings

And soon you will be happier that someone who treats you with no love or respect are no longer with you!

[dobie]

That's the rub mate why does she not love and respect me?  :'(

[ShadowIntheNight]

That's the rub mate why does she not love and respect me?  :'(

They'd have to feel it for themselves first, wouldn't they?  No one at the end of their lives says I wish I got more stuff or money. It's always how they should have been kinder or more loving. Anyone who is chasing happiness by chasing for material things will ultimately be bitterly disappointed. That is a fact.

[dobie]

That's the rub mate why does she not love and respect me?  :'(

They'd have to feel it for themselves first, wouldn't they?  No one at the end of their lives says I wish I got more stuff or money. It's always how they should have been kinder or more loving. Anyone who is chasing happiness by chasing for material things will ultimately be bitterly disappointed. That is a fact.

Material things are security for her as she has a deep sense of fear of being alone and vulnerable . her father after the divorce took everything and left the mother destitute .

My x is chasing happiness in all the wrong places I.e via external distractions

Friends , lovers , experiences but she fails to grapes it comes from contentment and joy within . that's a reason I feel sorry for her I know she can have the car the kids the hubby but inside she is broken and scared to be happy .

[Heartbroken Eagle]

That's the rub mate why does she not love and respect me?  :'(

They'd have to feel it for themselves first, wouldn't they?  No one at the end of their lives says I wish I got more stuff or money. It's always how they should have been kinder or more loving. Anyone who is chasing happiness by chasing for material things will ultimately be bitterly disappointed. That is a fact.

Material things are security for her as she has a deep sense of fear of being alone and vulnerable . her father after the divorce took everything and left the mother destitute .

My x is chasing happiness in all the wrong places I.e via external distractions

Friends , lovers , experiences but she fails to grapes it comes from contentment and joy within . that's a reason I feel sorry for her I know she can have the car the kids the hubby but inside she is broken and scared to be happy .

Once again Dobie, your circumstances are so similar to mine, even her mum and dad had a messy divorce which affected my exBPD future!

Quick question, when you were with your ex, whatever you tried to do for her or when you brought her presents, did she make you feel that it was never enough for her?

[dobie]

That's the rub mate why does she not love and respect me?  :'(

They'd have to feel it for themselves first, wouldn't they?  No one at the end of their lives says I wish I got more stuff or money. It's always how they should have been kinder or more loving. Anyone who is chasing happiness by chasing for material things will ultimately be bitterly disappointed. That is a fact.

Material things are security for her as she has a deep sense of fear of being alone and vulnerable . her father after the divorce took everything and left the mother destitute .

My x is chasing happiness in all the wrong places I.e via external distractions

Friends , lovers , experiences but she fails to grapes it comes from contentment and joy within . that's a reason I feel sorry for her I know she can have the car the kids the hubby but inside she is broken and scared to be happy .

Once again Dobie, your circumstances are so similar to mine, even her mum and dad had a messy divorce which affected my exBPD future!

Quick question, when you were with your ex, whatever you tried to do for her or when you brought her presents, did she make you feel that it was never enough for her?

No but at the end she felt lt it was a form of "manipulation" .

Are you a palace fan by chance ?

[Heartbroken Eagle]

That's the rub mate why does she not love and respect me?  :'(

They'd have to feel it for themselves first, wouldn't they?  No one at the end of their lives says I wish I got more stuff or money. It's always how they should have been kinder or more loving. Anyone who is chasing happiness by chasing for material things will ultimately be bitterly disappointed. That is a fact.

Material things are security for her as she has a deep sense of fear of being alone and vulnerable . her father after the divorce took everything and left the mother destitute .

My x is chasing happiness in all the wrong places I.e via external distractions

Friends , lovers , experiences but she fails to grapes it comes from contentment and joy within . that's a reason I feel sorry for her I know she can have the car the kids the hubby but inside she is broken and scared to be happy .

Once again Dobie, your circumstances are so similar to mine, even her mum and dad had a messy divorce which affected my exBPD future!

Quick question, when you were with your ex, whatever you tried to do for her or when you brought her presents, did she make you feel that it was never enough for her?

No but at the end she felt lt it was a form of "manipulation" .

Are you a palace fan by chance ?

Sorry for asking that question but I remember towards the end of my relationship with my ex, it became tiresome buying her a present and not much fun. That is one thing I do not miss!

As for the other question, yes I am a Palace fan!.  Who do you support?

[Infared]

Funny thing is when I see my ex when dropping my son back to her or at  our sons school events, she does not look happy in her eyes... .And as I will only speak to her on matters regarding our son, she will act hurt when I refuse to chat with her! It's like she has forgotten that she had Iied, cheated and humiliated me in the past... .

Remember: emotional immaturity is the hallmark of BPD.

Mine has done this repeatedly. I understand that she is emotionally immature, but it still makes me insane that she cannot connect the dots of HER behavior as to the reason for my constant rebuff? It's as if the "victim card" is the only card that she ever has to play for everything?

Why did I not notice this before I got involved with her?  Arrrrrgggggghhhhh! 

[dobie]

Palace mate the same not a mad footy fan more cause of my mates and grandad used to go when aj and dowie were at the club .

another "reason" she gave was she was tired of carrying me yes i had little interest in things but that was due to burn out i was spending most of our tine together soothing her .

bickering yep she picked fights or was irritable most of the time

she used to hang on my every word (idealization) now i don't respect u

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Palace mate the same not a mad footy fan more cause of my mates and grandad used to go when aj and dowie were at the club .

another "reason" she gave was she was tired of carrying me yes i had little interest in things but that was due to burn out i was spending most of our tine together soothing her .

bickering yep she picked fights or was irritable most of the time

she used to hang on my every word (idealization) now i don't respect u

Again I was in a similar boat. Spent most of my time with my ex as she hated being on her own. She also had issues at her workplace which I understand she still does, (She has had 2 new jobs in the last 2 years, not getting on with her bosses, they are always picking on me, etc!) and tried to give her support. I then had a chance of earning more money working nights which I discussed with her and agreed it was a good idea, but obviously meant less time together. Sadly that was the start of the end of our relationship.

As for Palace, the best thing since my split is that I have renewed my love of football, got a season ticket for my son and myself and have done several away days together. It has been brilliant, especially sharing the experience with my little man and it has enhanced the time we spend together.

[dobie]

God that's another one she never got on with any female boss'es pretty much I spent hours consoling her soothing her being there for her helping her get promotions and after she left me she accused me of putting pressure on her to earn more money and leave jobs she "loved"

Another one was she was always I'll pretty much the whole r/s colds , flux , IBS you name it after she left she tried to blame that on me as well .

The pattern is its pretty much all my fault for most of her unhappiness .

I realise now BPD traits or not this is a woman who is not capable of love not the mature love of two adults at least . once the idealisation/infatuation  disapered she was not able to develop a normal maturing of two peoples love for each other

As expressed via screeming "I FEEL in my gut we are not meant to be "