NC BPD mother showed up at my house yesterday…

[mamame]

Hi. It's been a while since I've been here. For the most part, things have been pretty good. 

I've been NC with my BPD mother for almost 5 years. She drives by my house on a weekly basis (if not more than that) and honks EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. She hasn't stopped though (to my knowledge). It always makes me think… even though we haven't spoken in years, she still feels like it's okay to do that. No boundaries. Ever.

Yesterday, I accidentally left our garage door open, and she stopped at my house. I don't know what I was thinking; I just didn't want to talk to her. I didn't answer the door. My kids and I waited in the bedroom for her to leave.

When I saw her pull out of the driveway, I closed the garage door. She came right back and rang the doorbell and knocked. We waited for her to leave again.

Today, I feel anxious. Cowardly. Why didn't I just open the door and tell her that she's not welcome here? I think it's because I know better. If I had opened the door, I would've been nice, polite, smiled and acted like things were not how they are. (And my kids would see that… and that would be confusing.) (These ideas bring up so many things for me… why am I a coward? Why can't I be more direct with people? With her? I constantly avoid confrontation EVERYWHERE I go.)

Why is it impossible for her to respect me?

Of course, I'm also left feeling terribly. I have so much guilt over NC as it is. I'm a bad daughter. I should be willing to deal with her ___.

I wish that everything were normal, but it's not.

:'(

I don't know why I'm here, posting this. I wanted to tell someone that would understand, I guess. I want to talk to someone about it, but I don't know where to go.

[Kwamina]

Hi mamame,

It's been a long time indeed since you last posted here. The circumstances that have brought you here aren't that pleasant but I still want to say welcome back

You have been NC with your mother for nearly 5 years but she still drives by every week and honks. How does this behavior of hers make you feel? I've read in your old posts that you were quite concerned about her rages and also how they affected your children. It's unpleasant enough having your mother do this, but I'm wondering if you also might be concerned about your safety. Is your safety something you worry about too when your mother drives by all the time? And how are your kids dealing with all of this, have you talked to them about what's going on?

I understand how this latest episode could leave you feeling anxious. You went no contact for a reason so I can imagine how what happened could affect you like this. You are not a bad daughter in my opinion but just someone trying to protect herself and her children

I wish that everything were normal, but it's not.

:'(

When you joined here 5 years ago, a lot was going on in your life, certain events that I think most people would definitely classify as traumatic. Do you feel like you've been able to accept the reality that your mother has BPD?

I don't know why I'm here, posting this. I wanted to tell someone that would understand, I guess. I want to talk to someone about it, but I don't know where to go.

You've come to the right place to talk. Having a parent with BPD isn't easy at all. Many of us here can relate to the struggles you're going through and the anxiety you are experiencing. I have a undiagnosed BPD mother myself and through the years this has really taken a toll on me. I've found coming here and interacting with other people with similar experiences to be very helpful. How do you feel now after you've shared your story here?

[mamame]

Kwamina, thank you for your super thoughtful and welcoming (back) post. I read it yesterday and am still mulling some of your comments over.

Yes, I have definitely accepted the fact that she is BPD. The year that we went NC, she was diagnosed… in the year or so leading up to it, I had read at least 4 books about BPD and BPD mothers. It definitely has sunk in.

Your comment about traumatic events struck hard… I have thought a lot about the year that we went NC and all that happened in that short amount of time. I had never labeled it as traumatic, although it was one of the hardest times of my life. I know that it changed me in many ways and I'm just now beginning to come back from it. (Perhaps that is why when she showed up, it brought on so many emotions… I had been doing pretty well!)

I have spoken to my kids, but they're very young. It must be impossible for them to understand.

Your comment about safety really hit me. No, I do not feel safe. I really wrestle with this one, though, because I mostly do not think that she would hurt me. However, having seen her rage doesn't help. And, the  incidents that led up to me going NC were eye-opening. She surprised me with the things that she said and did… and I think that's another piece of not feeling safe.

There are a lot of other things that I'm not going to get into… but you're right on. I do not feel safe.

I feel really vulnerable posting this online. It's anonymous, yes… but I keep thinking, 'what if she's reading this?'. She knows what happened here on Thursday, so it'd be pretty obvious that this is me.

Thanks though, for reading and replying, Kwamina. I really do appreciate it.

[Kwamina]

Hi again mamame

Yes, I have definitely accepted the fact that she is BPD. The year that we went NC, she was diagnosed… in the year or so leading up to it, I had read at least 4 books about BPD and BPD mothers. It definitely has sunk in.

Your mother has been officially diagnosed with BPD, do you know if she has ever gotten any targeted treatment for her disorder?

Your comment about traumatic events struck hard… I have thought a lot about the year that we went NC and all that happened in that short amount of time. I had never labeled it as traumatic, although it was one of the hardest times of my life. I know that it changed me in many ways and I'm just now beginning to come back from it. (Perhaps that is why when she showed up, it brought on so many emotions… I had been doing pretty well!)

It sometimes helps to get the perspective of an outsider looking in. When you are in the middle of things, it can sometimes be very hard to really see what's going on because you basically need all your energy just to survive. You have been NC for a long time. This distance has probably allowed you to do a lot of healing and growing, but at the same time this distance also meant that you didn't have to deal with your mother's negativity and chaos that much anymore. The defense and coping mechanisms that you had developed to survive in a hostile environment had perhaps gotten a bit 'rusty' since you didn't have to use them as often anymore. This could also (partly) explain why her showing up brought up so many emotions.

You describe the year you went NC as one of the hardest times of your life and I can definitely see why. In what ways do you feel that it has changed you? How have you been able to (start to) bounce back from it?

Your comment about safety really hit me. No, I do not feel safe. I really wrestle with this one, though, because I mostly do not think that she would hurt me. However, having seen her rage doesn't help. And, the  incidents that led up to me going NC were eye-opening. She surprised me with the things that she said and did… and I think that's another piece of not feeling safe.

There are a lot of other things that I'm not going to get into… but you're right on. I do not feel safe.

Though you're an adult now, could it perhaps be that when you see your mother, you in some ways still feel like a vulnerable little kid who needs protecting from her own mother? This is something I think many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with in their adult lives. Though we are adults now, deep inside of us there still is a little child that might still be very scared of the BPD parent. Especially when you have a parent that can go into explosive rages.

I feel really vulnerable posting this online. It's anonymous, yes… but I keep thinking, 'what if she's reading this?'. She knows what happened here on Thursday, so it'd be pretty obvious that this is me.

I understand your sense of vulnerability. I had this too when I started posting here. What would be your concerns if your mother would find out you shared your story? Are you perhaps worried about her behavior escalating or do you perhaps feel like you're being disloyal to her by airing your mother's 'dirty laundry'? Not telling your story would probably indeed be better for your mother because it would keep you isolated and make it easier for her to continue doing what she's doing. Telling your story however, is something I believe can help set you free and get you to interact with people who've been through similar things which will make you realize that you are not alone.