Hi again mamame
Yes, I have definitely accepted the fact that she is BPD. The year that we went NC, she was diagnosed… in the year or so leading up to it, I had read at least 4 books about BPD and BPD mothers. It definitely has sunk in.
Your mother has been officially diagnosed with BPD, do you know if she has ever gotten any targeted treatment for her disorder?
Your comment about traumatic events struck hard… I have thought a lot about the year that we went NC and all that happened in that short amount of time. I had never labeled it as traumatic, although it was one of the hardest times of my life. I know that it changed me in many ways and I'm just now beginning to come back from it. (Perhaps that is why when she showed up, it brought on so many emotions… I had been doing pretty well!)
It sometimes helps to get the perspective of an outsider looking in. When you are in the middle of things, it can sometimes be very hard to really see what's going on because you basically need all your energy just to survive. You have been NC for a long time. This distance has probably allowed you to do a lot of healing and growing, but at the same time this distance also meant that you didn't have to deal with your mother's negativity and chaos that much anymore. The defense and coping mechanisms that you had developed to survive in a hostile environment had perhaps gotten a bit 'rusty' since you didn't have to use them as often anymore. This could also (partly) explain why her showing up brought up so many emotions.
You describe the year you went NC as one of the hardest times of your life and I can definitely see why. In what ways do you feel that it has changed you? How have you been able to (start to) bounce back from it?
Your comment about safety really hit me. No, I do not feel safe. I really wrestle with this one, though, because I mostly do not think that she would hurt me. However, having seen her rage doesn't help. And, the incidents that led up to me going NC were eye-opening. She surprised me with the things that she said and did… and I think that's another piece of not feeling safe.
There are a lot of other things that I'm not going to get into… but you're right on. I do not feel safe.
Though you're an adult now, could it perhaps be that when you see your mother, you in some ways still feel like a vulnerable little kid who needs protecting from her own mother? This is something I think many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with in their adult lives. Though we are adults now, deep inside of us there still is a little child that might still be very scared of the BPD parent. Especially when you have a parent that can go into explosive rages.
I feel really vulnerable posting this online. It's anonymous, yes… but I keep thinking, 'what if she's reading this?'. She knows what happened here on Thursday, so it'd be pretty obvious that this is me.
I understand your sense of vulnerability. I had this too when I started posting here. What would be your concerns if your mother would find out you shared your story? Are you perhaps worried about her behavior escalating or do you perhaps feel like you're being disloyal to her by airing your mother's 'dirty laundry'? Not telling your story would probably indeed be better for your mother because it would keep you isolated and make it easier for her to continue doing what she's doing. Telling your story however, is something I believe can help set you free and get you to interact with people who've been through similar things which will make you realize that you are not alone.
