Hi Guys. I've moved over here from the Staying Board

[WingsOnTheMend]

Hey everyone. As my title states, I'm moving myself over here from the staying boards. My BPDbf and I split up last night. Long story short, 2 year on and off(push and pull) relationship, 6 month (to the day) actual relationship. I have some things to get off my chest, and please. Don't take any of what I have to say as gloating or anything of that nature. I just need to talk to some people who have lived this life.

I think I'm one of the fortunate ones considering our situations with BPD. He was never the type to be physically abusive. While he does have the ability to be a bit manipulative (sucking me back in after pushing me away once he saw me with other male friends), he's a bit passive-aggressive to get a response out of me sometimes, and very entrenched in the push-pull dynamic. He was also never verbally abusive to me. I was never called names, talked down to or maliciously made to feel worthless. He's a very intelligent man, and very high functioning. He never lashed out at me in an aggressive manner. For BPD traits that I do see in him, the really bad and scary ones don't seem to exist in him. But the ways that his BPD does manifest is still glaring. (Impulsive, Enmeshment, Passive Aggressive, Push-Pull, Drinks quite a bit. Not to the point of blackout drunk and barfing on his shoes, but he can certainly run a hefty bar tab.)  

The reason for our break-up wasn't because of someone else. It wasn't because I couldn't take it anymore. There was no knock down, drag em out fight where we were both screaming and the cops showed up. It was a quiet, albeit painful realization that he just can't be in any relationship right now and he is realizing "just how messed up he is". He's been with his most recent therapist for about a year with some very good progress, but he's now also looking at inpatient care and group therapy as well. We talked about those things about a year ago, and it actually feels good to know that he's going to do these things finally. He's been severely dysregulated in the last few months as well, and it feels like everything came to a head and he's finally taking the steps he needs for himself. I hope that for his own well-being, he sticks with it. I know it isn't easy, but knowing him as well as I do, I do believe he has it in him to someday function on a regulated playing field.

I'm OK letting go of our relationship so that he can try and learn, because there is absolutely no way that we can be together while he does this. I have my own issues stemming from my childhood involving some abandonment issues and enmeshment from my mom, and issues from previous relationships where I was cheated on repeatedly. I'm in therapy myself for these reasons plus now working through the damage that's been left here. I really did love this guy with all my heart. I probably always will in some fashion because of my understanding of what he's up against.

What I'm truly sad about is the loss of my best friend. For all the messed up stuff that has happened over the years, he was still my partner in crime in this world. I loved every moment that I got to spend with him. Right now, I can't be around him for the benefit of both of us. It's hard because I can't look at this as "You fix you, I fix me and we'll see where we stand in a year and try again". As much as I want that, I can't wait for him. I do need to heal, and I don't know what my own personal time frame on that is. He needs to heal too, and as we all know... .He could just be this way for the rest of his life, no matter what amount of therapy he gets or how hard he tries. He just might have to be alone. Forever.  :'(

[jhkbuzz]

Hey everyone. As my title states, I'm moving myself over here from the staying boards. My BPDbf and I split up last night. Long story short, 2 year on and off(push and pull) relationship, 6 month (to the day) actual relationship. I have some things to get off my chest, and please. Don't take any of what I have to say as gloating or anything of that nature. I just need to talk to some people who have lived this life.

I think I'm one of the fortunate ones considering our situations with BPD. He was never the type to be physically abusive. While he does have the ability to be a bit manipulative (sucking me back in after pushing me away once he saw me with other male friends), he's a bit passive-aggressive to get a response out of me sometimes, and very entrenched in the push-pull dynamic. He was also never verbally abusive to me. I was never called names, talked down to or maliciously made to feel worthless. He's a very intelligent man, and very high functioning. He never lashed out at me in an aggressive manner. For BPD traits that I do see in him, the really bad and scary ones don't seem to exist in him. But the ways that his BPD does manifest is still glaring. (Impulsive, Enmeshment, Passive Aggressive, Push-Pull, Drinks quite a bit. Not to the point of blackout drunk and barfing on his shoes, but he can certainly run a hefty bar tab.)  

The reason for our break-up wasn't because of someone else. It wasn't because I couldn't take it anymore. There was no knock down, drag em out fight where we were both screaming and the cops showed up. It was a quiet, albeit painful realization that he just can't be in any relationship right now and he is realizing "just how messed up he is". He's been with his most recent therapist for about a year with some very good progress, but he's now also looking at inpatient care and group therapy as well. We talked about those things about a year ago, and it actually feels good to know that he's going to do these things finally. He's been severely dysregulated in the last few months as well, and it feels like everything came to a head and he's finally taking the steps he needs for himself. I hope that for his own well-being, he sticks with it. I know it isn't easy, but knowing him as well as I do, I do believe he has it in him to someday function on a regulated playing field.

I'm OK letting go of our relationship so that he can try and learn, because there is absolutely no way that we can be together while he does this. I have my own issues stemming from my childhood involving some abandonment issues and enmeshment from my mom, and issues from previous relationships where I was cheated on repeatedly. I'm in therapy myself for these reasons plus now working through the damage that's been left here. I really did love this guy with all my heart. I probably always will in some fashion because of my understanding of what he's up against.

What I'm truly sad about is the loss of my best friend. For all the messed up stuff that has happened over the years, he was still my partner in crime in this world. I loved every moment that I got to spend with him. Right now, I can't be around him for the benefit of both of us. It's hard because I can't look at this as "You fix you, I fix me and we'll see where we stand in a year and try again". As much as I want that, I can't wait for him. I do need to heal, and I don't know what my own personal time frame on that is. He needs to heal too, and as we all know... .He could just be this way for the rest of his life, no matter what amount of therapy he gets or how hard he tries. He just might have to be alone. Forever.  :'(

Welcome, Wings. Although your story sounds less dramatic and chaotic than others on this board, I know that it's still really painful.  The "loss of my partner in crime in this world" struck home for me. It's a very sad situation to be in. 

It sounds like you're really clear about the direction you need to head in for your healing.  I'm sure you already know, but these boards are invaluable in that regard.

[once removed]

"Right now, I can't be around him for the benefit of both of us. It's hard because I can't look at this as "You fix you, I fix me and we'll see where we stand in a year and try again". As much as I want that, I can't wait for him. I do need to heal, and I don't know what my own personal time frame on that is. He needs to heal too,"

this choked me up. that acceptance and insight must come from a very strong place. the way you say you cant look at it (and youre right) was precisely the way i did look at it, at least until i didnt. i envy that. im proud of you

and welcome to the board.

[WingsOnTheMend]

Thank you both for your kind words. It really means a lot. Part of me desperately wants to "hold out" for him, because I know deep down that without these issues this would have been it. I guess that goes for just about everyone on this board though, doesn't it? What do you think helped you the most getting through, besides these boards?

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you both for your kind words. It really means a lot. Part of me desperately wants to "hold out" for him, because I know deep down that without these issues this would have been it. I guess that goes for just about everyone on this board though, doesn't it? What do you think helped you the most getting through, besides these boards?

My therapist helped a whole lot.  My situation is different than yours, though, because my ex was unfaithful... .that was the nail in the coffin for me.  It was easy (well, not easy but you know) to focus on that - there was no trust or loyalty left in the r/s - no point in beating a dead horse.

[once removed]

ill answer that more honestly than i otherwise might, based on your sober and honest original post.

i was committed to the idea that i would not marry my ex with the ongoing issues, yet throughout the relationship i was convinced she was the one i would marry. to touch on your bit i already quoted, it was suggested to me, and i had to remember, that if my ex was in fact living with BPD, this mean she lacked a stable sense of self. if she were to have a stable sense of self, shed necessarily be a different person. would i still be attracted to her? maybe, maybe not. my knowledge on the process of a pwBPD going through all the necessary therapy is limited, but i imagine that it would result in having a more stable sense of self. would i still be attracted to that? maybe, maybe not.

that of course, did not break what was a fantasy of mine, but it did give me perspective.

youll see a lot of great advice about what helps a person get through this on these boards. the theme is "routine", however small, and building on it. you have already made at least some transition toward focusing on yourself (other part of the advice), and that is key. this is your recovery.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Thank you both for your kind words. It really means a lot. Part of me desperately wants to "hold out" for him, because I know deep down that without these issues this would have been it. I guess that goes for just about everyone on this board though, doesn't it? What do you think helped you the most getting through, besides these boards?

Hi Wings.  Your story sounds like you are in a good place with things with radical acceptance and a healthy level of detachment.

The things that have helped me the most:

A few months of therapy.

Starting a gym life, great outlet for my greiving pains.

Making new friends and reconnecting with old ones.

Focusing on trade school.

Focusing on my career.

Reading about BPD, psychology and relationships.

My dog - best furball on earth.

Eating healthy and losing 70lbs.

Starting the online CBT program linked on this site.

The most important things are nurturing my ability to self validate and do things to care for myself.  Letting go of my pwBPD's problems has been critical.  In the r/s for two years I was her hero.  When she left I had no idea what to do with my days.  I got lost for a while.  Little by little I am finding myself again,