NC and grief

[Beach_Babe]

Its been a week of no contact (not my choice). When does this get better? I cry nonstop and can barely get out of bed. I feel like im dying.

[Beach_Babe]

This is all my fault, and I cant fix it. I deserve to be shunned. I know this feeling will eventually pass but right now just feels so unbearable. Its all my fault.

[mitatsu]

Stay strong it will get better but first it has to get worse but i'm 6 weeks in and it's getting better after a 4yr rel and a 6 month failed marriage

we are here to support you and whilst we cannot stop the pain we can explain and help you to understand that it wasnt your fault

much love to you 

[bunnyrabit]

I've been where you are, quite a few times now, so I know what you're going through. A week out, there's really no words that can make it better unfortunately... .All I can say is that time and NC will make it better, ask anyone around here, so maybe you can hold on to that for now. You seem under the impression that the breakup is your fault, maybe you could elaborate a bit on why you think this so. Often times, after a BPD breakup we believe that it is our fault while in reality we could have done nothing to avoid it.

[jhkbuzz]

This is all my fault, and I cant fix it. I deserve to be shunned. I know this feeling will eventually pass but right now just feels so unbearable. Its all my fault.

You deserve nothing of the kind.  And it can't possibly be all your fault - there are two people in the relationship.

Warm hugs... .these feelings WILL pass.  And you will be able to bear it - it just takes time.

Hang in there. 

[Mister Brightside]

Hi beach_babe. A week of no contact isn't very long, so give it time I am at 15 days of no contact, so I'm still very much in the early stages like you are. Honestly, I think it may get worse before it gets better. I still long for the borderline to contact me, and each passing day makes me realize that will probably never happen. I had gone no contact a few times before this 15-day streak of no contact, all only amounting to two or three days. So to suddenly reach day 15 has been a realization that it's probably over now. I guess my point is, I wouldn't expect things to suddenly get better, but once the addiction of talking to this person wears off, then you will gradually stop being conditioned to check your phone, hoping to hear from him like you probably always used to in the "good" times.

I'm preaching to myself when I say this, but be patient with yourself. Coming off of the highs and lows of this relationship is like coming off of a drug. It will hurt in the beginning, and withdrawals will certainly be felt, but there will come a time where it's normal again to not have this person in your life. It may take weeks, or it may take months, but the feelings you are feeling now will wear off. This was my fourth "relationship" with someone in the Cluster-B disorders (I hope I never go through this again and have finally learned my lesson, particularly when it comes to red flags during love bombing), and the previous three I'm not longing for anymore. I'd give it 2 or 3 months before you really start to feel the toxicity from this experience washing away from your heart and mind.

[fromheeltoheal]

This is all my fault, and I cant fix it. I deserve to be shunned. I know this feeling will eventually pass but right now just feels so unbearable. Its all my fault.

You're right, you can't fix it, you can't fix a personality disorder, neither can he.  And just wondering, did you think a lot of things were your fault in the relationship?  Blame is common in relationships with borderlines, just a shirking of responsibility, everything has to be your fault, and when we get faced with continual blame we can own it after a while.  And rest assured that it would only get worse, everything would eventually be entirely your fault and any bliss would be a distant memory.

Hang in there, the good news is the hardest part is at the beginning, and letting the fog clear and detaching may take a while.  Force yourself out of bed and one foot in front of the other.  Take care of you!

[brokenbyothers]

Hey beach. Hang in there!

Everyone here has been where you are now... .or still there.

[Infern0]

This is all my fault, and I cant fix it. I deserve to be shunned. I know this feeling will eventually pass but right now just feels so unbearable. Its all my fault.

I'm really sorry you are going through this,  I have been there myself and it's really awful. There's not much anyone can do or say to help but it does get better,  you just need to go through it as sucky as it is.

It's not your fault,  I can tell you that for 100%. I knew this disorder,  I did EVERYTHING right and it still happened,  it's unstoppable.

It's a long road to recovery,  don't rush it you will get there

[Beach_Babe]

Mitasu: Wow, a 4 year relationship and 6 month marriage? Did the devaluation start after you tied the knot? Goodness, how awful. Were there signs in retrospect?

bunnyrabit: I think my actions had something to do with the final discard possibly; ex felt betrayed I confided in a mutual friend about our situation. After that mutual friend tried to act as a go between. It did not end well. Now ex hates me, but maintains a close friendship with mutual friend.

Jhkbuzz: thank you for those warm words. I know logically that time heals all wounds. Emotionally I am selfish, however and want a shortcut.

MisterBrightside: how are you doing today? This sure does feel like crack withdrawal doesn't it? Like someone died.  What a horrible feeling. I sympathize with your problem. I suspect my parents were possibly Cluster B.  History repeats itself. Do you believe yours could have been as well? Are you on good terms now with any of those exes? Is such a thing even possible?

[Beach_Babe]

Fromheeltoheel: everything was my fault. I can count on one hand the times he said "sorry"  How bout with you?

Broken: are you NC now too? How far along are you in the process?

Inferno: did yours still make you feel worthless, like everything you did was WRONG at the end?

[Infern0]

Fromheeltoheel: everything was my fault. I can count on one hand the times he said "sorry"  How bout with you?

Broken: are you NC now too? How far along are you in the process?

Inferno: did yours still make you feel worthless, like everything you did was WRONG at the end?

Yes,  and I believed her.

After a few weeks I begun to think straight again and I realized that none of it was my fault.

[jhkbuzz]

Fromheeltoheel: everything was my fault. I can count on one hand the times he said "sorry"  How bout with you?

Broken: are you NC now too? How far along are you in the process?

Inferno: did yours still make you feel worthless, like everything you did was WRONG at the end?

This is what was confusing for me, and I suspect it's the same for you:  I know I'm not perfect; I know I have flaws; I know I make mistakes. Could she have been correct about me? Are my imperfections so extreme that NO ONE would want to put up with me; were they severe enough to end the relationship?

That ^ haunted me for a while. To be honest, it still haunts me occasionally. So this is what I do:

1. I calm the hell down and acknowledge that NO ONE (aside from Jesus ... .... .) is perfect.  We ALL have flaws - she did too.  Even when things hadn't gone to hell in a handbasket yet there were things about HER that I had to "put up with."  That's normal; that's human nature; that's what it means to be in a relationship. Of course she had to "put up" with me sometimes as well! We both had our quirks and we both made normal, human mistakes. That's to be expected. Being perfect is not a prerequisite for being in a successful relationship.  If it were we would all be single.

2. I look at our BEHAVIORS in the relationship. You should do the same.  Make a list if you have to!  Overall I was really good to her; I was kind; forgiving; long-suffering; I helped her with her career; helped her go to grad school; helped her raise her daughter; bought a home for all of us to live in. In the beginning of the r/s she was kind (although extremely clingy, needy and anxious), but over time she became mean (her therapist even told her that once!); unforgiving; detached and avoidant; unaffectionate; nonsexual; a chronic liar; dated a man we worked with; flirted with our boss whom I hated (and she knew it); switched jobs and then had a full blown affair; lied and told me it was "just a kiss"; went into therapy but remained in touch with him when she promised to cut off all contact; told me she still wanted our r/s to work as she was posting online that she was interested in 'speed dating' and 'dating and relationships.'  

And I was the problem? Whaaaaaat? As the poster MrFox once said, "She didn't just burn her bridge with me, she nuked it. Then she peed on the ashes."

There's one more thing that I struggled with until I finally realized something (and I only understood it after she moved out): living with a person with a personality disorder is incredibly stressful. And, under stress, I was not always the person I wanted to be. I was sometimes frustrated, irritable and resentful. There are some things I'm not proud of; there are some things I would go back and change if I could.

But over the course of the r/s there was so much I forgave her for that I'm going to forgive myself for that ^ .  I really did the best I could under some incredibly stressful circumstances.

You should forgive yourself, too.  

[bunnyrabit]

bunnyrabit: I think my actions had something to do with the final discard possibly; ex felt betrayed I confided in a mutual friend about our situation. After that mutual friend tried to act as a go between. It did not end well. Now ex hates me, but maintains a close friendship with mutual friend.

Ok I read the other thread about confiding in the mutual friend. While maybe not the smartest of things you could have done I certainly don't see this as a valid reason to completely discard of you. Think of it this way, would you completely cut off the person you love because he confided in a friend of yours while having a difficult time? And there you have your answer. You should really read up on some articles about how a BPD relationship evolves. They all follow the same script and right when things are getting serious and you think you can let your guard down, that's when they coldly and brutally discard us, like it never meant anything to them. You did nothing wrong, as a matter of fact the better a partner you are to them the harder they start to dysregulate. Stop beating yourself up over this and try to accept that you are dealing with a very serious and tragic mental illness, that's not something you can just make go away.

[JRT]

Been there as well, sorry that you are feeling this way. What worked for me is things that I forced myself to do; you many or may not be into exercise but it has REALLY helped me to feel better when I was down. I happen to be a musician so I would sight read sheet music and this seemed to also help.

Being alone and staying in bed is probably the worst environment for you. It lets your mind wander and ruminate. Whatever you do; make sure that your mind is occupied... .it DOES go away I promise... .it just requires a little bit of effort.

[mitatsu]

Mitasu: Wow, a 4 year relationship and 6 month marriage? Did the devaluation start after you tied the knot? Goodness, how awful. Were there signs in retrospect?

To be honest the signs were there for all 4 yrs but after a 3 month seperation last year we re-connected and decided to cement our love with marriage... .alas using hindsight it seems it was a 'ownership' thing for her as she had seen me via social media getting on with life whilst split (other ladies were showing interest in me and i'd toned up and was out and about) i think she wanted 'her' property back and i fell for the love bombing etc within 2 days of marriage it started to go downhill but i tried until in late jan 2015 she threatened to cut herself and me into 'meat sculptures'... .but i'm doing well now and i gave her my best so my head is held high even though my heart is bruised   

[Tyrwhitt]

I'm where you are after a 20 year marriage.  Usually an upbeat optimist, I emotionally feel at the bottom, as you do, and all those stages of denial, acceptance, grief, etc etc can happen simultaneously within a short space of time that I look back, I look forwards, I look to the now.  Gee, the mind is a strange thing, but you must believe that you will ride this pain out.  You will.   I will and everyone else experiencing the break up of a BPD relationship.

Be kind to your emotions, count your blessings and where you can, distract yourself.  Allow yourself to wish things were different, I do, but I acknowledge the reality of where we ended up.  I acknowledge his need to run away, I read the helpful descriptions on this website, I hope he is happier and I hope that I will become happier in the next phase of my life.  The shattering of hopes and dreams, the reality of not being treated with respect and interest, the fear of how our lives will now shape up all need to be processed.  Take your time, one day, one week, one month, one year, you'll grow, change, mould the rest of your life.  Above all, as the tears subside, enjoy the feeling of being free of drama and believe that life has yet some fun for you, laughter will return, there's plenty of people out there who can help you with that!

[Mister Brightside]

MisterBrightside: how are you doing today? This sure does feel like crack withdrawal doesn't it? Like someone died.  What a horrible feeling. I sympathize with your problem. I suspect my parents were possibly Cluster B.  History repeats itself. Do you believe yours could have been as well? Are you on good terms now with any of those exes? Is such a thing even possible?

The struggle is still great (about 16 days of no contact). Neither of my parents suffer (or make others suffer, is a better way to put it) from a cluster B personality disorder. I grew up in a very strict, religious household though, so I was always trying to keep the peace trying to not get myself into trouble and being non-confrontational. This childhood resulted in my not finding peace within myself (not standing up for myself), but from finding acceptance in others by doing what I thought they'd want me to do--dangerous when you run into someone with a cluster B personality disorder. My parents are a lot easier going now that I'm older, but the damage was still done. This is really the only explanation I have for allowing these types of people into my life. I'm hoping to somehow change my weaknesses and lifelong habits. It won't be easy to do, and I'm not even really sure how to go about it, but at least I'm not in denial like borderlines and narcissists.

I am not on good terms with any of those exes. I occasionally look up the first three on Facebook (I'm avoiding this recent fourth like the plague to avoid triggers) and mostly pity them because of how unideal their lives have turned out, but this recent one is too fresh to pity. To answer your question, it's impossible to be on good terms with them because their very nature is manipulative, and remorse and sorrow for things they have done are not genuine. Impossible to be even an acquaintance, let alone a friend, with someone like that.

[fromheeltoheal]

Fromheeltoheel: everything was my fault. I can count on one hand the times he said "sorry"  How bout with you?

Literally the only time she said the words "I'm sorry" were as part of an agenda, more manipulation, no sincerity to it.  Although I learned how to bust her on stuff she'd feel ashamed about, just because I'd had it and was being a dick, and it worked; she would melt into a puddle of shame, couldn't function, and wanted ice cream, her drug of choice when emergency soothing was required.  So I started to take that as an "I'm sorry", the closest I was going to get.