Talked To Mom Last Night

[Turkish]

She lives 130 miles away in the mountains in her falling down shack full of her horde. We didn't talk about that. I don't trust her driving to the city anymore, so I and the kids only see her about every 3 months.

I've found that I don't like calling her so much anymore since she came out last summer as being BPD. She's known for 20 years. If I had known, and studied it, would I still have chosen my uBPDx and mother of my children? Hard to say. I made my choices eyes wide shut, and only I can own them. So I called, even if I didn't want to do so.

She began, as expected, with Waif Lite, "I was beginning to wonder if you were going to call me." She calls it her "Jewish Mother" routine. No, we're not Jewish. The last time she really pulled it, I remember her saying, was the last time she ever slapped me when I was 17. I instinctively raised my hand back, and she said, "what? Are you going to hit your own mother?" I walked away, but it was the last time ever.

Anyway, I told her, "you have a calling card. You can call me and I'll call you back." She said, "I would, but I don't know what your schedule is like with the kids and all." I told her any night after 9 was a safe bet. End of that conversation.

I talked about something safe: flora. She's a master gardener. She told me she made a lot of progress the past week, planting 9 fruit trees. They are a "thing" for her. More end up dying than living, and we're in a drought in California. I didn't comment about that, nor about spending the money, though she did make the usual passing reference to her fixed income, which is low because she chose to quit working early. I've never commented about that fact.

I then asked about her back property taxes, the le in the county has to confiscate her property all for the want of letting a $95/mo tax bill go unpaid until it ballooned into $8k, and she got the notice that her property would be auctioned at the end of the month unless she paid all back taxes.

A year and a half ago, I think I mailed her $900 to help meet the down payment on the plan she worked out with the county. That was the summer I lost my intact family due to uBPDx. No more rescuing. I needed to rescue myself!

She said she's got it down to about $3k now, and can probably pay it off by July... .or August. I have the money, but I'm not going to offer it. She didn't ask. Her depression lessened when she was motivated by the thought of being homeless to do it herself. This is a mess of her own making. No enabling on my part. I already rescued her property from foreclosure in 1999 by charging my credit cards to send her $5k when I was living in another state. She did pay me back $1k of that later though I never asked. She has an emotional attachment to the property, too, which motivates her. She's been there 24 years. I lived there less than a year, and I don't put emotional attachment into objects anyway, having lived with her through two foreclosures (a home in the city, and then 25 acres of land, then being homeless until I turned 17 and I lived for less than a year on her current property until I moved out).

Her husband's remains are buried there, close to the seasonal creek along which I used to hike. I got a tick there back then, the creature probably dropping from the Madrone trees. i carried that scar for years, because I ripped it out.

My mom swore me to never sell the land because of her dead husband, and to bury her remains next to his. We came into his life when I was 14. He was a slightly eccentric old mountain hermit. I don't refer to him as my step dad in part because my mom didn't give me a father by marriage or r/s until I was 25. I resented that, and made a lame excuse to not attend their wedding in Lake Tahoe. I know I hurt them by that. A 200 mile drive would have been nothing to me.

A few years after he died, my mom told me a dark secret which explained why he was a mountain hermit, and his grown children were mostly estranged from him. It made me rethink the person I knew, and resent my mom more based upon what she told me about her FOO. That, however, is a story for another time.

Suffice to say, my mom seems to be getting by, and my lack of rescuing or enabling has made things better rather than worse. My mom survives, barely getting by. That, however, is what she's always done, and I accept that.

[losthero]

  Some relations are simply best handled with low contact or no contact.  After much research I have found that personality disorders are on a continuum and it sounds like your mom cannot change certain aspects of her behavior.  Her horde is her escape from reality.  You are wise to not always step in to rescue all the time.  If you do ever step in financially as an absolute last resort and only if it helps you and not her, then I dont recommend you tell her what you did as she will see she can get away with that with you.   I understand the resentment for a chaotic childhood.  You are smart to put up some emotional boundaries with her.  She is not capable of seeing your pain or needs.  So once again, you must take care of your own heart and mind when around her.   You deserve better treatment, im sorry our parents are too self absorbed they missed out on knowing the real us and what could have been.   Happiness is out there in life. Please seek it elsewhere (not with your mom) when you can.

[pessim-optimist]

So I called, even if I didn't want to do so.

I can relate to that, Turkish... .I guess it's the sense of care and obligation to honor our parents. Not the Obligation part of FOG but rather something we do because of who we are - something that stems out of our inner values and preserves our own integrity.

I talk to my parents pretty much every week, mostly for their sake as I live half the world away and haven't seen them in person in almost 6 years. Many weeks I don't really feel like talking to them, the conversations are shallow and only remind me of what I don't have in my parents. Sometimes, the conversations offer some new insights into my past or present, though. Overall, it is what it is... .

I've found that I don't like calling her so much anymore since she came out last summer as being BPD. She's known for 20 years.  If I had known, and studied it, would I still have chosen my uBPDx and mother of my children? Hard to say. I made my choices eyes wide shut, and only I can own them.

Did you use to like the conversations better because you had pity on her and thought she was unaware of her condition, and now feel betrayed and gypped?

As in - if your mother acted as a mother (to act in your best interest) she would have told you and your life may have been better. This way, she harmed you by her behaviors and you were left disadvantaged (vulnerable to partner with your ex).

I think that owning your choices and taking responsibility for them is absolutely healthy. There might be a part of the whole deal that you still need to grieve and reinterpret for yourself and heal from (not becoming a victim again, but also not being too hard on yourself for the choices you made)... .

My mom swore me to never sell the land because of her dead husband, and to bury her remains next to his.

What do you think you are going to do about this? (I am asking because my parents - especially my uBPDm - have a fantasy that I will come back and live in their house after they are gone (which won't happen) and the steps that they are taking to make that 'possible' will make it really hard on me to deal with their property after they are gone - left with the mess and out of any funds. I don't have the heart to tell them that I would only want to keep the part of land that they are bent on selling... .)

[Turkish]

p-o,

I felt resentful when my mom "made" me promise to never sell the property. It's some nice average, right off the county highway,.and at the snowline for the latitude (meaning the snow accumulation increases by about a foot every few miles up the road. I didn't swear on a Bible, to God or anything else, but I feel bound by my integrity   The promise is she asking me to be responsible for her feelings, however. Is that healthy? Is it necessary? No and no. I'll do what I can when it comes time,.but I'm not going to fall into financial irresponsibility.

Yes, I feel resentful. I realize, however, that even if she had told me about BPD 20 years ago,.it might have made no difference. Diagnosed depression and BPD traits aside, I got two great kids out of the deal, so I try and focus on the positive: the two little angel-monsters dreaming in their beds in the other room.

losthero, thanks for the support. I haven't seen the rage since I moved out 25 years ago, but the hermit-waif characteristics still bug me, especially the hoard which I know I will be left to deal with at some point.

My T told me something several times: "Sometimes the stroing are chosen to protect the weak." I don't know if he was paraphrasing The Bible, or Spiderman, but it got me thinking,.and still does as I deal with her, and my uBPDx... .and also my children as I work out this Fathering thing, never having had one of my own.

[pessim-optimist]

I felt resentful when my mom "made" me promise to never sell the property.

... .but I feel bound by my integrity   The promise is she asking me to be responsible for her feelings, however. Is that healthy? Is it necessary? No and no. I'll do what I can when it comes time,.but I'm not going to fall into financial irresponsibility.

Hm, I share your sentiment, even though my parents aren't even making me promise, they simply make assumptive statements and position things according to their reality, which makes me feel like a pawn in their game.

On the other hand, it is their property and they have full rights to do whatever they choose with it. And I am a free agent also - that is the challenge here - to not fall into the old familiar patterns: it is my responsibility to hold to my separateness and decide from that position what is best to say/not say to them.

With compassion for them, but not out of the position of FOG.

Thank you for this topic Turkish, it made me think about things that might be important in the next month or so as I am going to visit them again after a long time.

Yes, I feel resentful. I realize, however, that even if she had told me about BPD 20 years ago,.it might have made no difference.

That's an interesting way to look at it - that it may have made no difference... .I guess we sometimes think in causalities (if this didn't happen, this wouldn't have happened) but those are possibilities, not certainties, and it allows us to blame the other person, and remain stuck in the past and being a victim - a price you aren't willing to pay: good for you!

I got two great kids out of the deal, so I try and focus on the positive: the two little angel-monsters dreaming in their beds in the other room.

 That's priceless... .

[claudiaduffy]

p-o,

I felt resentful when my mom "made" me promise to never sell the property. It's some nice average, right off the county highway,.and at the snowline for the latitude (meaning the snow accumulation increases by about a foot every few miles up the road. I didn't swear on a Bible, to God or anything else, but I feel bound by my integrity   The promise is she asking me to be responsible for her feelings, however. Is that healthy? Is it necessary? No and no. I'll do what I can when it comes time,.but I'm not going to fall into financial irresponsibility.

A thought: when the time comes, if you feel integrity-bound to your promise to not sell the property, you COULD outright donate it to a charity that you approve of. It would be a redemptive way of getting rid of it, and even though it wouldn't profit you (apart from the tax deduction, which could be substantial), it also wouldn't leave you worse off.