NC day 1 completed AGAIN (advice/input appreciated)

[Infern0]

So here we are again.

Short version:

6 month relationship

Discarded me

Replaced

Painted me black

I had nervous breakdown

One month NC

Tried "friendship"

"Feelings" came back on both sides, "friendship" didn't really work,  more like an emotional affair with some physical

Multiple falling outs and making ups

Three months of getting closer with no arguments

She tells me she loves me and isn't happy with the replacement

She breaks up with replacement and we recycle

She goes distant again,  I try a few times to bridge the gap but to no avail,  yesterday I tell her I can't do this anymore and we need to part ways.


The weird thing was there was no arguing,  she says she's depressed and needs to work on herself and if I don't want to wait then fine. She actually said she understands why it's hard for me. She did use some emotional blackmail to keep me waiting.

Before I would have waited but I don't trust her and history would suggest she's either talking to someone new she likes or is in negotiations with my replacement so I've been put into backup which I don't want.

It was just weird how there was no arguments and no follow up rage text,  it was like an amicable parting of the ways which is not like her at all. 

Anyways I'm NC and moving on,  let's see if it sticks this time.

[Blimblam]

Are you ready to move on ?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It is very sad.  They desperately want to fuse with someone but it rarely works out.  It sounds like you have given it a go with a full understanding of the nature of the illness and I congratulate you for it. I think we just have to accept that no matter how much we may love them we have to turn our back and move on.  Just as they have done to us. Good luck with NC Infern0. 

[Infern0]

Are you ready to move on ?

I ain't got much choice have I.

[Infern0]

I also have to make a confession.  Last night after I ended things we had an Easter party at our flat,  I ended up sleeping with some random girl.

I don't know if I feel bad or not but it's nice to know I've "still got it" even if I can't make things work with BPD

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I also have to make a confession.  Last night after I ended things we had an Easter party at our flat,  I ended up sleeping with some random girl.

I don't know if I feel bad or not but it's nice to know I've "still got it" even if I can't make things work with BPD

Good one.  Nothing wrong with a bit of fun. Get back out there and play the field - you are now single and that is what single men like to do. 

[Infern0]

I also have to make a confession.  Last night after I ended things we had an Easter party at our flat,  I ended up sleeping with some random girl.

I don't know if I feel bad or not but it's nice to know I've "still got it" even if I can't make things work with BPD

Good one.  Nothing wrong with a bit of fun. Get back out there and play the field - you are now single and that is what single men like to do. 

It's funny because last time we broke up this happened.  It's like girls just know or something haha. Like I'm not usually into the casual thing but it does help somewhat

[sun seeker]

  Inferno

We.have all been there brother man. Last night I wanted to break n/c soo effin bad  but I talked my self down. I went to the local drag strip to race my motocycle . My dexBPDgf used to go with me. There where couples everywhere . And a bikini contest. car shows. It Just hit me like dam this female(my dexpbdgf) had a honest , loyal , caring man and she seemed to not give a dam. I had women coming up to me last night and saying hi nice bike and asking for rides.  im just not feeing it.

Sucks that I still care this much fpr my exBPDgf. Atleast we can have real feelings unlike our ex's. We will be ok inferno. Day one of n/c is the hardest but it a step in the right direction. Hopefully we learn something with each recycle. So our time is not wasted.

How many times can we stub our toe ? Im done hurting my self.

Take care inferno we all in this this together... .

[AwakenedOne]

So here we are again.

Short version:

6 month relationship

Discarded me

Replaced

Painted me black

I had nervous breakdown

One month NC

Tried "friendship"

"Feelings" came back on both sides, "friendship" didn't really work,  more like an emotional affair with some physical

Multiple falling outs and making ups

Three months of getting closer with no arguments

She tells me she loves me and isn't happy with the replacement

She breaks up with replacement and we recycle

She goes distant again,  I try a few times to bridge the gap but to no avail,  yesterday I tell her I can't do this anymore and we need to part ways.


The weird thing was there was no arguing,  she says she's depressed and needs to work on herself and if I don't want to wait then fine. She actually said she understands why it's hard for me. She did use some emotional blackmail to keep me waiting.



Before I would have waited but I don't trust her and history would suggest she's either talking to someone new she likes or is in negotiations with my replacement so I've been put into backup which I don't want.

It was just weird how there was no arguments and no follow up rage text,  it was like an amicable parting of the ways which is not like her at all. 

Anyways I'm NC and moving on,  let's see if it sticks this time.

This "work" that they plan to do... .it seems to be always so vague right?

[apollotech]

"The weird thing was there was no arguing,  she says she's depressed and needs to work on herself and if I don't want to wait then fine. She actually said she understands why it's hard for me. She did use some emotional blackmail to keep me waiting."

Infern0,

I am sorry to hear that you slipped. You were rockin' right along. We have all been where you're at brother.

If you listen closely to her breakup argument she is the Victim (poor pitiful her with depression and all), and you are the Persecutor (you simply won't wait for her to get better). There is indeed a Rescuer/Enabler somewhere in the equation.

Stay strong my friend and work on bettering yourself.

[Grey Kitty]

Are you ready to move on ?

I ain't got much choice have I.

You have many choices.

The 'choice' to be in a r/s with her where she doesn't push you away has been taken away from you, but that is about the only one.

You can choose to love-bomb her with texts begging her to come back. (I don't recommend it... .but the option is there for you!)

You can chose to sleep with somebody. (And did. Do you have any thoughts of staying in contact with her?)

You can choose to feel the pain and loss of this relationship.

You can choose how long you want to stay NC with your ex.

Your life is full of choices. Which ones sound good? Are there others you are thinking of?

[Infern0]

Are you ready to move on ?

I ain't got much choice have I.

You have many choices.

The 'choice' to be in a r/s with her where she doesn't push you away has been taken away from you, but that is about the only one.

You can choose to love-bomb her with texts begging her to come back. (I don't recommend it... .but the option is there for you!)

You can chose to sleep with somebody. (And did. Do you have any thoughts of staying in contact with her?)

You can choose to feel the pain and loss of this relationship.

You can choose how long you want to stay NC with your ex.

Your life is full of choices. Which ones sound good? Are there others you are thinking of?

In an ideal world I'd be able to work things out with my ex and keep trying. I don't care about the anger or any of that but when I get weeks of radio silence followed by a call from her where she just wants to talk about mundane stuff and not adress the fact that we haven't seen each other for 2 weeks... .

I do love her and want to be with her but there's conditions to that,  communication is important and I told her this and told her that if she needs a time out etc to just give me a heads up so I know what's going on and it'd be fine.

The radio silence is intolerable not to mention disrespectful,  added to that she is a cheater and I have no choice but to assume the worst and in this case break it off before she could hurt me again

Knowing her she will be back,  3-4 days time and she will likely call or text wanting to talk so I'll have to approach that when it happens. She's not a bridge burner and in this case it was civil so I imagine she'll be back.

So I really don't know what choices I have here because she won't communicate her wants or needs,  her attitude is basically I can wait around until she's "ready" or move on.

But I can't wait around until she's  "ready" because she's just as likely to suddenly announce that she's "met this really cool guy who gets her and she wants to see if things work out with them"

I issued the ultimatum,  either we try work things out or I'm leaving,  she didn't make any serious attempt to keep me which demonstrates I'm not important to her so I'm moving on.

[Infern0]

Aaaaaaaaaaaand... .she's back.

She wants to talk,  doesn't want to lose me she's just been confused please can we talk... .

Hmm what say you bpdfamily,  what say you

[mitatsu]

Aaaaaaaaaaaand... .she's back.

She wants to talk,  doesn't want to lose me she's just been confused please can we talk... .

Hmm what say you bpdfamily,  what say you

Needless to say, the beast was stunned.

Whip-crack went her Whoopy tail,

And the beast was done.

she asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"

And we said, "Nay. We are but men."


oh and you know how the script is written... .how many times can your heart and mind take the pain? good luck

[Loosestrife]

Aaaaaaaaaaaand... .she's back.

She wants to talk,  doesn't want to lose me she's just been confused please can we talk... .

Hmm what say you bpdfamily,  what say you

I was in exactly the same place yesterday but I was in too much pain to post. I received an email saying all the usual crap, blowing everything out of proportion and ending with 'I need to work on me'. I thought long and hard and decided to be myself and reply with a mature response. It prompted my BPDex to call and want to resolve things. Things are resolved for FOR NOW. It just buys me some time to make a proper

Exit plan that is on my own terms.

Like grey kitty says, you have lots of options. One might be just to say you need to take some time to think things through and you will give her a call on xxx day... .

[Infern0]

I have told her we can talk tomorrow. ... ruminations aplenty for me tonight it seems.

[Loosestrife]

I have told her we can talk tomorrow. ... ruminations aplenty for me tonight it seems.

She is incapable of letting go. You need to decide if you want a lifetime of what has been with her or move on and find a healthy relationship. Forget what she wants and focus on you 

[Infern0]

I have told her we can talk tomorrow. ... ruminations aplenty for me tonight it seems.

She is incapable of letting go. You need to decide if you want a lifetime of what has been with her or move on and find a healthy relationship. Forget what she wants and focus on you 

It seems like she is incapable of letting me go and I'm not sure why,  she has bridge burned all her other exes and even friends. She ignored her family for 2 years!

With me she can't go more than a couple of days.

We are going to meet face to face as she's better at communicating that way. I need to think what I'm going to say

[Loosestrife]

I have told her we can talk tomorrow. ... ruminations aplenty for me tonight it seems.

She is incapable of letting go. You need to decide if you want a lifetime of what has been with her or move on and find a healthy relationship. Forget what she wants and focus on you  

It seems like she is incapable of letting me go and I'm not sure why,  she has bridge burned all her other exes and even friends. She ignored her family for 2 years!

With me she can't go more than a couple of days.

We are going to meet face to face as she's better at communicating that way. I need to think what I'm going to say

Don't be fooled re: exs and family. You can bet your bottom dollar they had the same treatment and the exs felt just like you do. A healthy person walks away from this drama, you must have some caretaking or codependancy traits to keep you hooked in (I have caretaking tendancies). A wise quote I read was 'the past is the best prediction of the future'. I now understand radical acceptance and I don't think it's for me in thelong term. Only you can decide if it's for you. I am very conscious that time passes quickly. Don't waste your life away.  Good luck tomorrow.

[Blimblam]

I have told her we can talk tomorrow. ... ruminations aplenty for me tonight it seems.

She is incapable of letting go. You need to decide if you want a lifetime of what has been with her or move on and find a healthy relationship. Forget what she wants and focus on you 

It seems like she is incapable of letting me go and I'm not sure why,  she has bridge burned all her other exes and even friends. She ignored her family for 2 years!

With me she can't go more than a couple of days.

We are going to meet face to face as she's better at communicating that way. I need to think what I'm going to say

It seems like your incapable of letting go too, and I don't blame you.  You have demonstrated over and over how you are there for her kept in touch when she decides to be with someone else beat up that someone else when she decides she's done with them.  It sounds like it causes you a lot of pain though also.  If that's what you want then that's what you want.  It's dysfunctional yet it somehow continues. 

I think it's going to be one of those things where either you adjust and find a way to accept it or it become more painful than the return and you decide you can't do it anymore.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't have much advice for you about talking to her other than to remember that her feelings bounce back and forth... .and she tries to drag reality with them. It is what BPD does to her mind. The side of her which paints you black is no more or less real than the side which paints you white. If you are involved with her, you can expect to see both of them. Try to believe that they are both real and both temporary.

When I asked you about what choices you wanted to make... .you replied... .and most of your reply was about what she might or might not do or think. This jumped out at me:

So I really don't know what choices I have here because she won't communicate her wants or needs... .

Allow me to point out YOUR choice here:

Do you want to be in a romantic relationship with somebody who won't communicate her wants and needs to you?

Hoping she will change is unrealistic.

If you are in a r/s with her, you will have to guess what she needs or wants. It is part of the package you get with her.

[Trog]

I also have to make a confession.  Last night after I ended things we had an Easter party at our flat,  I ended up sleeping with some random girl.

I don't know if I feel bad or not but it's nice to know I've "still got it" even if I can't make things work with BPD

Good one.  Nothing wrong with a bit of fun. Get back out there and play the field - you are now single and that is what single men like to do. 

It's funny because last time we broke up this happened.  It's like girls just know or something haha. Like I'm not usually into the casual thing but it does help somewhat

Don't pine after this woman. I've recycled my ex wife 3 times, eventually on the 3rd we married. I am now so utterly broken by my experience with her, after having married, that I have been almost a year celibate and when women have made a pass at me I recoil in horror. In between recycle 1 and 2, I slept with other women and yearned for my ex wife, if I could turn back the clock I would NOT be yearning, only sleeping with the other women and moving on. You don't know how lucky you are to get out. And even my warning probably wont help. You are playing with fire and its you that will get hurt.

[AwakenedOne]

I have told her we can talk tomorrow. ... ruminations aplenty for me tonight it seems.

If you have time you might consider re-reading as many of your past 991 posts here that you can. Just imagine adding another 991 future ones about this woman?

[Noah]

  Day one of n/c is the hardest

Not for me.  Day one was easy! i was too tired of all the bad stuff to think about the parts i miss.  Once the adrenaline from being screwed over wears off... .that day is the hardest.

I remember a high school science teacher saying that a habit takes 5 weeks to form.  I would guess that day 36 of NC is when things get easier.  But i think its important to start a new healthy habit right away.  If you sit there and try to figure things out, you aren't really starting a new habit and able to let go.

[Noah]

Infern0,

Im right there with you bro.  Im at 2 weeks of radio silence from my BPDgf myself.  This time i told myself that i refuse to contact her.  She is used to me chasing her even when she is the one who caused the issue to begin with.  Our latest soap opera began when she told me she was too tired to come over after we made plans to meet up. Keep in mind i drive to her  place 95% of the time.  I told her no problem get some rest and we could meet up the next day.  Next day rolls around and she goes off on how everything is bad in life including me and that she will contact me later in the week.  I told her i was sorry she felt bad.  I asked if i could help at all.  She said no... .just give her space.  I did.

5 days later i get a text telling me she is moving on from me along with a bunch of reasons why i am horrible.  So... .it went from i love you and want to come see you to i hate you and never want to see you in about 6 days.  This cycle has been going on for almost 4 years.

But... .this time... .i refuse to chase her.  It only perpetuates her bad behavior and makes me feel like crap if i chase her.  Im looking to the right of this text box and see ":)etachment leads to Freedom"... .oh how true!

[fred6]

Infern0,

Your history with this person pretty much shows how thing will continue go. Do the 90 days NC and you will probably not want anything else to do with her. My birthday was this past week and I didn't hear a peep from my ex. The ironic part is that her parents, step brother, and his wife wished me a happy birthday on FB. Her family is always cordial and nice with me, they are good people.

I think that the quicker you end this cycle with your ex, the quicker you will realize that you don't need her in your life. Do the NC for 90 days and then evaluate the situation. Good luck bro!

[Infern0]

Well its finally over.

She came to see me which was a surprise actually as I thought she'd try to put it off.

We had a civil conversation,  but she was still saying she's not ready,  doesn't know what she wants etc.

I told her that this had to end and she agreed and said she will probably regret it but she can't keep me waiting anymore. She said her feelings for me are real but she's confused and not ready etc.

I tried to give her some good advice about not pushing good people away and learning to love herself. We hugged and said goodbye. I think she dissociated at the end,  she went very glassy eyed.  Then she got in her car and sat there for a minute,  then she was gone.

If it can just be left at that,  then a good ending,  no anger or bitterness just civil and reasonable.

I feel weird.  Sad, dissapointed but also glad it's finally over and I can move on without any real bitterness etc. I want to belive that she did love me but just wasn't capable of making it work.

Let's hope that's true,  although the cynic in me tells me otherwise

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Sounds like you are having some difficulty breaking away from the BPD dance.  I can understand - it's a heady cocktail.  Unfortunately it is playing with danger and I hope you get out before you are ruined by the rs.  Once more - good luck with the NC.

[mitatsu]

We are all here for you friend we all seem to be travelling in the same direction some of us move quicker than others but we never leave one of our own behind... .stay strong 

[Infared]

Infern0,

Im right there with you bro.  Im at 2 weeks of radio silence from my BPDgf myself.  This time i told myself that i refuse to contact her.  She is used to me chasing her even when she is the one who caused the issue to begin with.  Our latest soap opera began when she told me she was too tired to come over after we made plans to meet up. Keep in mind i drive to her  place 95% of the time.  I told her no problem get some rest and we could meet up the next day.  Next day rolls around and she goes off on how everything is bad in life including me and that she will contact me later in the week.  I told her i was sorry she felt bad.  I asked if i could help at all.  She said no... .just give her space.  I did.

5 days later i get a text telling me she is moving on from me along with a bunch of reasons why i am horrible.  So... .it went from i love you and want to come see you to i hate you and never want to see you in about 6 days.  This cycle has been going on for almost 4 years.

But... .this time... .i refuse to chase her.  It only perpetuates her bad behavior and makes me feel like crap if i chase her.  Im looking to the right of this text box and see ":)etachment leads to Freedom"... .oh how true!

When we are severely mistreated (most times repeatedly), and we still pursue the person who is mistreating us,  we are sending a message to that person.  The message we are sending is this: ":)o anything that you want to me, act any way that you want, I don't care and I will still be here for you and love you."

That is seriously OUR/My problem. Entirely.

I needed help and I had to disengage 100% and find help.

If I didn't there was plenty more pain for me, with her or someone else just like her. It is soo, soo obvious to me now (I went and got help). It was not obvious to me then.