Finding balance for the reasons?

[valet]

Hey guys, I'm about 2 1/2 months out of a relationship with my supposed undiagnosed BPD ex, with NC for about a month, and have begun having general ruminations about both my ex's and myself's role in the eventual, fairly foreseen collapse. I think a good year ago, there was a day when things first starting getting strange (her starting big arguments over small things with me, her beginning to have problems with her family, and her unspoken of development of a crush on a guy that she was working with at the time), and something deep inside of me told me that this whole thing was going to come crashing down at some point.

Of course, there was tons of stonewalling, a few arguments which led to me leaving the house to get some fresh air and clear my head only to have my phone blown up with "please come back"s, and even a few situations where I told her that if she wanted to break up that I wouldn't fight her on it. This maybe all occurred over a length of two months in which I gave her a ton of time and space, and things eventually got better (enough, for me to think that maybe everything was turning around). In all honesty, I should have cut and run at THAT time, because in hindsight her behavior was totally strange and indeed hard to find any sort of reason for. This leads me to a few things:

I feel like my recovery process has been centered a little bit too much around her, specifically the remembrance of how truly awful she was treating me. She eroded my confidence, made me feel like I was losing my mind, and by the end of things I felt that I couldn't do anything right. I have acknowledged her behavior to a large extent, but I still struggle in trying to find the things that I could have done a little bit better. Is this not productive in the case of the end of the BPD relationship? I do not want to make any big mistakes in my next relationship, whenever it happens, so I feel that I must really understand how I could have been stronger, no matter how doomed my relationship had been from the start.

So, people that are a little farther along, how and when did you start to realize your faults and mistakes, and would you have any words of wisdom regarding moving forward to improve how you yourself can function at full capacity in a future, NORMAL relationship?

[AwakenedOne]

I realized mistakes of mine during and after our "BPD" marriage. Humans make mistakes and have faults though. Those that love us are supposed to still love us and not toss us away as trash. Each BPD relationship has an expiration date like a gallon of milk does and there is nothing you can do to stop the milk from spoiling.

The biggest mistake seems to be that each of us here stayed in a BPD relationship with someone undeserving of our kindness. My excuse was trying to honor the wedding vows. Big mistake though, in the process I endured physical abuse.

I think the first step now is finding normal relationships and not to sweat the little things.

If you date a girl and she calls you her "Knight In Shining Armor" or some other similar Disney type gibberish run for the hills!

[jhkbuzz]

I feel like my recovery process has been centered a little bit too much around her, specifically the remembrance of how truly awful she was treating me. She eroded my confidence, made me feel like I was losing my mind, and by the end of things I felt that I couldn't do anything right. I have acknowledged her behavior to a large extent, but I still struggle in trying to find the things that I could have done a little bit better. Is this not productive in the case of the end of the BPD relationship? I do not want to make any big mistakes in my next relationship, whenever it happens, so I feel that I must really understand how I could have been stronger, no matter how doomed my relationship had been from the start.

Much of what you're experiencing is commonly felt at the end of these relationships... .ruminating on your ex, recognizing your low self-esteem by the end, wondering if anything about your behavior lead to the collapse of the r/s (relationship), etc.  I struggled with my responsibility in the demise of my own r/s - which was pretty easy to do because "she eroded my confidence, made me feel like I was losing my mind, and by the end of things I felt that I couldn't do anything right."

I really could have written much of your post myself.   :'(

I recently addressed being haunted by the "was it me?" question in another discussion if you'd like to read it: NC and Grief.

I can tell you that in the first months after my b/u (breakup) I had very little clarity.  Over time I began to see things more clearly, and could separate her "stuff" from mine. Her "stuff" includes the fact that she suffers from a personality disorder that made an intimate r/s with her very, very difficult.

[LimboFL]

As always, my brief stops at the BPD Family boards, assist me in realizing that I am not alone. Ultimately, though, I have stopped looking for all of the things that I did not do right. There were, as there always is, individual events in all of our lives that have nothing to do with our SO's that complicate matters in any relationship.

However, as it pertains specifically to events that occurred as a direct result of the relationship, my fall back question has been, " Would I have been that way, reacted that way to her, if she hadn't throw this or that at me? Would I have been dragged into jealousy, heated reactions, banging my head against the wall frustrations and so on and so on?

I believe that it is critical to ask these questions of ourselves. Your answers will likely be like mine are, that yes, you can't have two individuals particularly if they are living under the same roof not have disagreements, so it boils down to degree. None of the emotions felt during my relationship were completely foreign, but whenever each of them played out in my last relationship, they were turned up to 11. Every emotions was acute and visceral.

I suspect that, like adrenaline junkies, we experienced emotions at such high levels that by the time that we severed these relationship, our bodies are so hooped up that it doesn't know what to do with relative calm. PTSD.

Again, my best advice is not to lay all of the blame at the feet of your partner but appreciate that these relationships brought out the best and worst in us. I said things to her, out of exasperation, that were not acceptable and completely out of character for me. I will go 1000 miles out of my way to avoid hurting others, no matter how much I may want to hurt them. My exBPD drove me to such lengths that I simply could find no other way to release the explosion in me. I wanted to hurt her, emotionally, as much as she had hurt me over the years. I always apologized and explained that I didn't mean any of it and I know she believed me, because she knew that it wasn't me.

In short, they don't push our buttons, they stomp and dance around on them to the point where we react, which often times only leads to more frustration because they then point the finger at us and call us crazy. I often told my gf that she derived great pleasure in lighting the match and then walking away.

[once removed]

hi valet,

like jhkbuzz said, 2 and a half months (1 month nc) would have felt like a day, at the time, for me. so please give yourself time.

ruminating is common after these relationships, id argue some of it is even helpful and perhaps necessary. your psyche is processing these events.

"I feel like my recovery process has been centered a little bit too much around her, "

at this stage, it probably is. think about it, what are you recovering from? your relationship. that includes her.

"but I still struggle in trying to find the things that I could have done a little bit better. Is this not productive in the case of the end of the BPD relationship? I do not want to make any big mistakes in my next relationship, whenever it happens, so I feel that I must really understand how I could have been stronger, no matter how doomed my relationship had been from the start."

if im reading correctly i think you might be asking a couple of the 'wrong' questions here. you say your relationship was doomed from the start, so im not sure how being "stronger" (not positive what you mean by this) would have changed that, or helped you.

i think this might help: you state twice that you felt you should have cut and run. why didnt you? this is something we all need to answer for ourself.

in my case, im proud of some of my actions in my relationship, less proud of others. i said some mean things. i engaged in some manipulative behavior. overall, i adapted poorly, and chose to continue trying to adapt. do you see yourself in any of that?

like i said, give yourself time and it will become easier to focus on yourself 

[valet]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

My main struggle right now, I think, is that I have become a bit obsessive in my research about BPD behavior and their partners' experiences while in the relationship. I'm beginning to see that constantly soothing myself by reassurance that her actions and words were disordered will not help me move forward. In this case, these boards might be holding me back a tad more than I need.

Any strategies on not overanalyzing the disorder, and just normally adapting to the new situation? It is hard for me to do this, simply because the way she was acting in the last year of the relationship made me paranoid. I needed answers for her behavior, so I'd hit the internet up and find every advice article in the book that might explain the situation. I needed to know why she was acting the way that she was, and those behavioral patterns still negatively affect my usage of time, as well as the speed of my recovery.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

My main struggle right now, I think, is that I have become a bit obsessive in my research about BPD behavior and their partners' experiences while in the relationship. I'm beginning to see that constantly soothing myself by reassurance that her actions and words were disordered will not help me move forward. In this case, these boards might be holding me back a tad more than I need.

Any strategies on not overanalyzing the disorder, and just normally adapting to the new situation? It is hard for me to do this, simply because the way she was acting in the last year of the relationship made me paranoid. I needed answers for her behavior, so I'd hit the internet up and find every advice article in the book that might explain the situation. I needed to know why she was acting the way that she was, and those behavioral patterns still negatively affect my usage of time, as well as the speed of my recovery.

That's a really good question, and one I've wondered about myself.

In some ways, the "obsessive reading and research" (of which I've done a lion's share) seemed to help me with my grieving process.  There was SO much left unanswered and SO much that was confusing that my research and involvement in the discussion boards really helped me process my grief.  Additionally, understanding the disorder has also helped me create a coherent "story" moving forward - it's hard to put a traumatic event to rest without knowing how it fits into the narrative of my life. For me, making sense of the story is imperative to healing and moving forward - I suspect a lot of people feel the same way, but I'm not really sure.

I was in an 8 year r/s; 8 months post b/u 6 months n/c. I've been seeing a therapist who very kindly allowed me to talk out everything that happened in immediate aftermath the r/s and breakup - it was cathartic and necessary, and it took a long time to talk it all out.  However, the focus has completely shifted - I'm now digging deeply into my "stuff" and we only discuss my ex in that context.  I would say that, when I first started seeing my therapist I talked nearly 100% about my ex (trying to make sense of her behavior); now if we talk about her 10% of the time it's a lot.

I think that if you are determined to examine yourself, you will get there - you will dig deep to figure out your part in the r/s dynamic and anything else you need to know.  But for me, that process really kicked in once the worst part of my grieving was over.  And my grieving took a while; there were no short cuts through it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I think a good year ago, there was a day when things first starting getting strange (her starting big arguments over small things with me, her beginning to have problems with her family, and her unspoken of development of a crush on a guy that she was working with at the time), and something deep inside of me told me that this whole thing was going to come crashing down at some point.

So why did you stay?  Most of us did that, ignored our gut feel, and legitimately most of us got blindsided by mental illness, didn't know what we were up against until we were deep in it, but still, what was it that caused us to ignore obvious crap and forge ahead anyway?

Borderlines cycle through phases in relationships, for reasons that are part of the disorder.  At first, it's like a dream come true, someone is intensely into us, treating us like the love of their life, we can't believe it, it feels too good to be true.  Because it is.  Then the criticism starts, the needling, things don't seem so great anymore, we can't seem to do anything right, lots of dissatisfaction, yet we stay anyway, trying to get back to bliss.  Then the devaluation starts, flat out meanness, rudeness, no concern for us or our feelings, no resolution to anything, crazymaking interactions, life sucks.

Yet we stay, some longer than others.  There's a strong correlation between the amount of crap we're willing to put up with and our own level of self-esteem and feelings of self worth; someone with low self-esteem is a prime candidate for a borderline and they seem to have radar for us.  Because think about it: someone with healthy self-esteem, someone not especially looking for external validation because they've got plenty of self-validation, might be freaked out by the level of intensity and false intimacy that happens way too fast, and bail right away because they know something's off, or they ride that part out and once the criticism starts say screw this, I'm out.  And even if they weather that, call it just a phase or whatever, which it is, but it's one that will only pass into something worse, and when it does they say screw it, I'm out.

Of course, there was tons of stonewalling, a few arguments which led to me leaving the house to get some fresh air and clear my head only to have my phone blown up with "please come back"s

That's so common there's a book called "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me"

things eventually got better (enough, for me to think that maybe everything was turning around). In all honesty, I should have cut and run at THAT time, because in hindsight her behavior was totally strange and indeed hard to find any sort of reason for.

Yep, and yet we stayed, spending all of our time walking on eggshells, waiting for the other show to drop, to mix metaphors, driven by that desire to get back to the bliss that was the beginning of the relationship.  

I feel like my recovery process has been centered a little bit too much around her, specifically the remembrance of how truly awful she was treating me.

Yes!  :)on't make yourself wrong for that, it's all part of the process of detaching, where it's all about her initially and we slowly shift the focus from our ex to us and from the past to the future.  You know you're working through it when you get dissatisfied with where you're at, which you are right now.  Keep moving forward.

I have acknowledged her behavior to a large extent, but I still struggle in trying to find the things that I could have done a little bit better. Is this not productive in the case of the end of the BPD relationship? I do not want to make any big mistakes in my next relationship, whenever it happens, so I feel that I must really understand how I could have been stronger, no matter how doomed my relationship had been from the start.

Looking at what you could have done better and how you could have been stronger is good work, and we can use the pain of these relationships as motivation to dig deeper than we might have previously, but it's important to see it as it was and not worse than it was.  Borderlines like to blame, and we can get conditioned to think everything's our fault, and we might have been wired that way to begin with, so it's extra important to not do that now; own our sht, but don't own what isn't ours.

And another thing: why is it we ask how we could have been stronger?  In the right relationship we're accepted exactly as we are, in fact the right relationship makes us stronger.  It's not supposed to be hard.

Take care of you!

[valet]

Thanks for your words!

I had a minor setback and checked her Facebook and Twitter profiles last night, for the first time in about a month. I didn't realize how powerful that stuff can be, as it sent me into a weird, disassociate state of anxiety that lasted until just a few hours ago. I guess I reasoned it as a testing of the waters for myself, emotionally, as I think I have largely if not completely removed all hope of ever having anything romantic with her ever again (why drag myself through the mud again when I already have once). Ironically, the pain that even a minor slip like that inflicted has only strengthened my resolve to keep her OUT until I am healed.

Despite this, I hope the two of us can be friends in the distant future, and am regretting small bits of how I acted after the relationship. I was generally very kind and understanding, but I said a few pointedly painful things, ignored her final text message regarding a party that a mutual friend was having, and went no contact very sporadically while not telling her how extensively I would be cutting her out of my life.

That said, the friendship that I want is probably due to my own abandonment issues, so maybe it would be more appropriate to build from the mentality that I may never see her again (a potential reality that I guess I may have partially accepted already). The thing is, she is not a bad person. She just has no clue how to love in a securely attached partnership, or at least in one with me. The further away I get the more than I see how immature she was, especially at the beginning of the relationship (the clinginess and pouting if I ever had to go somewhere!), and obviously in her lack of an ability to communicate in a conflict free, meaningful way when she began to devalue me.

Again, I don't know why I am saying this, but I feel that mine WAS the deepest connection with any person in her life other than her sister, and I expect her to contact me by hook or by crook. After all, we will be in the same fairly small master's program come September. I'd like to be pretty strong on my own by then, as I know that I will have to interact with her, at least on an academic level. I don't want her back romantically, but it would be nice to have her in my life. She was a much better friend than partner, before we got together.

So, I guess the question that I'm asking is: Is this a poor mindset to have, once I am confident in my ability to put up strong boundaries with her, or should I just abandon all desire to see her once I have things figured out?

[fromheeltoheal]

I had a minor setback and checked her Facebook and Twitter profiles last night, for the first time in about a month. I didn't realize how powerful that stuff can be, as it sent me into a weird, disassociate state of anxiety that lasted until just a few hours ago. I guess I reasoned it as a testing of the waters for myself, emotionally, as I think I have largely if not completely removed all hope of ever having anything romantic with her ever again (why drag myself through the mud again when I already have once). Ironically, the pain that even a minor slip like that inflicted has only strengthened my resolve to keep her OUT until I am healed.

Yes, and that will get better.  I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in a couple of years, although she put me on a distribution list for a spam marketing email she sent to start a business.  It showed up in my inbox and I felt the emotions stirring a little, confusion mostly, but it lasted less than a minute, I deleted the email, and off we went.  I'm good with that.

It's natural to want to see what our ex is up to, we all did it, and if it's helping strengthen your resolve then it's helping, but it's up to you to decide when it no longer is, and stop it.

Despite this, I hope the two of us can be friends in the distant future, and am regretting small bits of how I acted after the relationship. I was generally very kind and understanding, but I said a few pointedly painful things, ignored her final text message regarding a party that a mutual friend was having, and went no contact very sporadically while not telling her how extensively I would be cutting her out of my life.

That said, the friendship that I want is probably due to my own abandonment issues, so maybe it would be more appropriate to build from the mentality that I may never see her again (a potential reality that I guess I may have partially accepted already). The thing is, she is not a bad person. She just has no clue how to love in a securely attached partnership, or at least in one with me. The further away I get the more than I see how immature she was, especially at the beginning of the relationship (the clinginess and pouting if I ever had to go somewhere!), and obviously in her lack of an ability to communicate in a conflict free, meaningful way when she began to devalue me.

Were you ever friends in the relationship?  I thought we were to begin with, little did I know she had an agenda, but if I look at what a friendship is, something based on mutual trust and respect, I didn't trust her and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count; she's not qualified to be my friend.

We need to cut ourselves some slack regarding behaviors too.  What we do under duress, in a state of anxiety and reaction, as a result of abuse and disrespect, is just a small part of who we 'are', and we generally wouldn't act that way in most situations.  If something is weighing on us, we need to decide if apologizing or whatever is going to make it worse or better, with borderlines it will generally make it worse, in which case it's better to find a way to atone on our own, mostly to and for ourselves, for our own well being.

Again, I don't know why I am saying this, but I feel that mine WAS the deepest connection with any person in her life other than her sister, and I expect her to contact me by hook or by crook. After all, we will be in the same fairly small master's program come September. I'd like to be pretty strong on my own by then, as I know that I will have to interact with her, at least on an academic level. I don't want her back romantically, but it would be nice to have her in my life. She was a much better friend than partner, before we got together.

To me that would be sketchy, but if you want to use it as an opportunity to see how strong you can get your boundaries then maybe that's good motivation.  It will be important to continually check in with yourself and see how you're doing, and obviously school needs to come first.

You were the deepest connection with her, at that time.  Borderlines, motivated to attach to someone to 'complete' themselves, not in a Hallmark-card romantic way, but in an unhealthy fusing of psyches way, to create one person out of two, will create a feeling of connection that is way beyond a partnership of two autonomous individuals.  And then when it doesn't work out, like it never does, the disorder works through its cycles until you suck, and she looks for another attachment, only to repeat the cycle.  Attachments and the fear of losing them, abandonment, are everything to borderlines.

So, I guess the question that I'm asking is: Is this a poor mindset to have, once I am confident in my ability to put up strong boundaries with her, or should I just abandon all desire to see her once I have things figured out?

Up to you, but it's very important to get clear on your motivations and be realistic about how strong you are.  Once your emotions engage the wheels can fall off prior plans, and you can never lose sight of a borderline's motivations to attach; if she sees an opening she will take it, and since she's been looking for openings to attachment her whole life she's very good at it.  Be careful my friend, and take care of you!

[valet]

Yes, and that will get better.  I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in a couple of years, although she put me on a distribution list for a spam marketing email she sent to start a business.  It showed up in my inbox and I felt the emotions stirring a little, confusion mostly, but it lasted less than a minute, I deleted the email, and off we went.  I'm good with that.

It's natural to want to see what our ex is up to, we all did it, and if it's helping strengthen your resolve then it's helping, but it's up to you to decide when it no longer is, and stop it.

Yeah, I'm really excited to have my feelings that muted, after time has worked it's magic. And I'm glad that you're doing so well. That must feel awesome!

I don't plan on checking up on her again, at least not anytime soon, and that will most likely be an occurrence of us bumping into each other when both her and I are back home (we are currently working in a foreign country, until the end of June). The pain that checking inflicted served to strengthen my resolve luckily, but heck no do I ever want to feel that way again.

Were you ever friends in the relationship?  I thought we were to begin with, little did I know she had an agenda, but if I look at what a friendship is, something based on mutual trust and respect, I didn't trust her and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count; she's not qualified to be my friend.

We need to cut ourselves some slack regarding behaviors too.  What we do under duress, in a state of anxiety and reaction, as a result of abuse and disrespect, is just a small part of who we 'are', and we generally wouldn't act that way in most situations.  If something is weighing on us, we need to decide if apologizing or whatever is going to make it worse or better, with borderlines it will generally make it worse, in which case it's better to find a way to atone on our own, mostly to and for ourselves, for our own well being.

I guess the situation became very, very complex over time, but for the first year of the relationship she was my best friend. She went to live abroad for a year, and we tried the long distance thing, and it worked just fine. Midway through that experience my dad died. She was on a plane the next day back home, and was incredibly supportive and caring at a time that I really, really needed it. It was a weird week, almost like we were falling in love all over again after not seeing each other for about three months.

It was only towards the middle of last April that things started to go bad, at least overtly. She would snap at me over trivial things, and constantly was in doubt about the 'nature' of our relationship. I found this quite odd at the time, as I had been nothing but good to her. Hell, I had come to visit her for three months thinking that it would be paradise, and it wasn't quite that, but I figured it was just a rough patch in the relationship, and not something telling of a much more grim future.

Of course, last summer she became incredible silent and belittling, and I felt like I couldn't even try to pre-dedict her mood. It was around this time that her first boyfriend died (all the way from like, high school), and the grief hit her in this really unusual way. Man, it was strange. It still bothered her deeply, even upwards of eight months afterwards. As a reference to that, it only took me several months to come to terms with the death of my FATHER.

To me that would be sketchy, but if you want to use it as an opportunity to see how strong you can get your boundaries then maybe that's good motivation.  It will be important to continually check in with yourself and see how you're doing, and obviously school needs to come first.

You were the deepest connection with her, at that time.  Borderlines, motivated to attach to someone to 'complete' themselves, not in a Hallmark-card romantic way, but in an unhealthy fusing of psyches way, to create one person out of two, will create a feeling of connection that is way beyond a partnership of two autonomous individuals.  And then when it doesn't work out, like it never does, the disorder works through its cycles until you suck, and she looks for another attachment, only to repeat the cycle.  Attachments and the fear of losing them, abandonment, are everything to borderlines.

School will absolutely be my FIRST priority. I don't even want to date anyone in the next year or two, just so I have the time and energy to properly focus on my work. She has a great critical eye though, so it would be nice being on good terms with her, so I'd at least be able to take advantage of that. 

In all seriousness though, I am slowly becoming more aware of how BPD persons experience their thoughts, which is through a skewed emotional lens that they can't seem to take off when things really count. I have begun to develop a great compassion for people like this. Thinking back at all of the constant inner turmoil and overblown dramatics of my ex's life, I find that my anger and resentment fade, and only a need to further understand the disorder has surfaced. Yes, I still get angry at times, as I believe that my ex has replaced me with a mutual friend, but that's not her. It's her disorder making the best move to avoid pain.

This in turn, has really made me focus on my own boundaries. When you do with such extremes, you find that in order to maintain your own sanity you must be strong in your convictions, and frankly, not put up with any sh!t.

A friend of mine recently got involved with a person like this (that I suspected of being BPD), and I was able to give him good advice on how to deal with the situation, while causing the least amount of peripheral damage. It made me feel even more confident that my ex is BPD. So I can keep the door shut on intimacy with her forever.

Up to you, but it's very important to get clear on your motivations and be realistic about how strong you are.  Once your emotions engage the wheels can fall off prior plans, and you can never lose sight of a borderline's motivations to attach; if she sees an opening she will take it, and since she's been looking for openings to attachment her whole life she's very good at it.  Be careful my friend, and take care of you!

Now this will be what I have to keep VERY close, if the opportunity for a friendship arrises. I will take this advice to heart, and hopefully never stray from it! Thank you!