To what end... ?

[GrowThroughIt]

 

Something I thought of this morning. Many people, myself included, talk about healing ourselves from past r/s's and childhood traumas. Like everyone, I say it's in order to grow and be more content and happy with life, and to have more meaningful and less stressful relationships.

But I can't help but think, heal to what end? What is happiness after growing up with mentally ill parents? Essentially, what I'm asking is, what am I aiming towards? I know all the buzzwords, but what am I actually aiming for. A few years ago when I was going through introspection, I was aiming to let go of all my anger (although I didn't realise it at the time I fell short), and I was aiming to just be a nicer person. But knowing what we know now, what are our aims? What is my aim in the healing process?

[Trog]

From my perspective, we are looking into why it is we allowed ourselves to stay in and participate in an abusive relationship. Many times the partners of BPD people have common traits, they're damaged people wounded in childhood in believe that love, in some way, equals pain and tolerate being disrespected in a relationship in order to maintain that relationship, many times to put right or relive a childhood wound. They are pulled to us as we are pulled to them. In my case my ex was really studying my limits in those first few months trying to see how much schtik I would take from her, did take from my exes, whether I was going to play out the role her father had played out to her mother, and yes, I was the perfect fit.

So to what end, I believe we are investigating this area and trying to heal wounds from childhood, fix self esteem issues so the next love we have is a healthy and mutually fulfilling one. I have never had a healthy relationship looking back on it. I've had exes who have hit me, carried my credit cards around in their purses and sent me off with coins each day to my role managing companies. They couldn't do that without me handing over my power and tolerating boundariless behaviours. So the end... .so you can one day have a healthy, honest, loving relationship and live in peace instead of thinking that crazy is normal and being on constant tenderhooks.

[GrowThroughIt]

From my perspective, we are looking into why it is we allowed ourselves to stay in and participate in an abusive relationship. Many times the partners of BPD people have common traits, they're damaged people wounded in childhood in believe that love, in some way, equals pain and tolerate being disrespected in a relationship in order to maintain that relationship, many times to put right or relive a childhood wound. They are pulled to us as we are pulled to them. In my case my ex was really studying my limits in those first few months trying to see how much schtik I would take from her, did take from my exes, whether I was going to play out the role her father had played out to her mother, and yes, I was the perfect fit.

So to what end, I believe we are investigating this area and trying to heal wounds from childhood, fix self esteem issues so the next love we have is a healthy and mutually fulfilling one. I have never had a healthy relationship looking back on it. I've had exes who have hit me, carried my credit cards around in their purses and sent me off with coins each day to my role managing companies. They couldn't do that without me handing over my power and tolerating boundariless behaviours. So the end... .so you can one day have a healthy, honest, loving relationship and live in peace instead of thinking that crazy is normal and being on constant tenderhooks.

But I don't understand. What does this look like?   For example, if I'm saving money for a house or car, I know exactly what I'm working towards. I have seen the car/house. I can recognise it. I know where I'm heading, (the showroom or Estate Agent) that holds the product/thing of desire.

How would we know we have found what we seek if we have never seen it? How do I know I'm healthier?

[Trog]

From my perspective, we are looking into why it is we allowed ourselves to stay in and participate in an abusive relationship. Many times the partners of BPD people have common traits, they're damaged people wounded in childhood in believe that love, in some way, equals pain and tolerate being disrespected in a relationship in order to maintain that relationship, many times to put right or relive a childhood wound. They are pulled to us as we are pulled to them. In my case my ex was really studying my limits in those first few months trying to see how much schtik I would take from her, did take from my exes, whether I was going to play out the role her father had played out to her mother, and yes, I was the perfect fit.

So to what end, I believe we are investigating this area and trying to heal wounds from childhood, fix self esteem issues so the next love we have is a healthy and mutually fulfilling one. I have never had a healthy relationship looking back on it. I've had exes who have hit me, carried my credit cards around in their purses and sent me off with coins each day to my role managing companies. They couldn't do that without me handing over my power and tolerating boundariless behaviours. So the end... .so you can one day have a healthy, honest, loving relationship and live in peace instead of thinking that crazy is normal and being on constant tenderhooks.

But I don't understand. What does this look like?   For example, if I'm saving money for a house or car, I know exactly what I'm working towards. I have seen the car/house. I can recognise it. I know where I'm heading, (the showroom or Estate Agent) that holds the product/thing of desire.

How would we know we have found what we seek if we have never seen it? How do I know I'm healthier?

I suppose you know when you are able to manage your boundaries with women. You are not afraid to be firm about boundaries because the love is not dependent on you being plyable?

I suffer the same problem, I've never had a healthy relationship, or witnessed one in my family to tell you, but I do know, just from being alone, that you need peace, respect and honesty and if a person is not offering you that, you need to value yourself and walk away.

There is a theory that you want neither to be codependent (as I am/was/trying not to be), or independent but interdependent, this is where you have your own great life going on, so does she an you bring it together not because its necissary but the two parts working together actually create a third way with some strengths.

It is difficult, when you've never known it, to talk about what it looks like, but I can for sure tell you what it doesn't look like and I can for sure tell you what I'd like. Do you have an idea of how love should be for you?

[GrowThroughIt]

From my perspective, we are looking into why it is we allowed ourselves to stay in and participate in an abusive relationship. Many times the partners of BPD people have common traits, they're damaged people wounded in childhood in believe that love, in some way, equals pain and tolerate being disrespected in a relationship in order to maintain that relationship, many times to put right or relive a childhood wound. They are pulled to us as we are pulled to them. In my case my ex was really studying my limits in those first few months trying to see how much schtik I would take from her, did take from my exes, whether I was going to play out the role her father had played out to her mother, and yes, I was the perfect fit.

So to what end, I believe we are investigating this area and trying to heal wounds from childhood, fix self esteem issues so the next love we have is a healthy and mutually fulfilling one. I have never had a healthy relationship looking back on it. I've had exes who have hit me, carried my credit cards around in their purses and sent me off with coins each day to my role managing companies. They couldn't do that without me handing over my power and tolerating boundariless behaviours. So the end... .so you can one day have a healthy, honest, loving relationship and live in peace instead of thinking that crazy is normal and being on constant tenderhooks.

But I don't understand. What does this look like?   For example, if I'm saving money for a house or car, I know exactly what I'm working towards. I have seen the car/house. I can recognise it. I know where I'm heading, (the showroom or Estate Agent) that holds the product/thing of desire.

How would we know we have found what we seek if we have never seen it? How do I know I'm healthier?

I suppose you know when you are able to manage your boundaries with women. You are not afraid to be firm about boundaries because the love is not dependent on you being plyable?

I suffer the same problem, I've never had a healthy relationship, or witnessed one in my family to tell you, but I do know, just from being alone, that you need peace, respect and honesty and if a person is not offering you that, you need to value yourself and walk away.

There is a theory that you want neither to be codependent (as I am/was/trying not to be), or independent but interdependent, this is where you have your own great life going on, so does she an you bring it together not because its necissary but the two parts working together actually create a third way with some strengths.

It is difficult, when you've never known it, to talk about what it looks like, but I can for sure tell you what it doesn't look like and I can for sure tell you what I'd like. Do you have an idea of how love should be for you?

I know what you mean. I know what it shouldn't look like, at least I hope! I have no idea how love should be for me. I notice that in my idylic relationship, I envision my partner loving me as I wanted my mum & dad to love me. Crazy right? I guess that explains how barring one relationship (my first), all my exes have in some way been like my mum.

Love for me is an alien concept!

[Suzn]

I would answer that the end looks like healthier relationships, all of our relationships, not just romantic. I think this is an ongoing process, there isn't really an end...

This article has helped me understand what healthy relationships look like and what to work towards.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, sharing and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal, that the power and control in the relationship are equally shared.

Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are:

Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.

Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.

So, Is Your Relationship Healthy?

A. Can you say what you like or admire about your partner?

B. Is your partner glad that you have other friends?

C. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?

D. Does your partner ask for and respect your opinions?

E. Does she/he really listen to you?

F. Can she/he talk about her/his feelings?

G. Does your partner have a good relationship with her/his family?

H. Does she/he have good friends?

I. Does she/he have interests besides you?

J. Does she/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for her/his failures?

K. Does your partner respect your right to make decisions that affect your own life?

L. Are you and your partner friends? Best friends?

If you answered most of these questions with a yes, you probably are not in a relationship that is likely to become abusive. If you answered no to some or most of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship, please continue with the next set of questions.



Is Your Partner Healthy?

a. When your partner gets angry does she/he break or throw things?

b. Does your partner lose her/his temper easily?

c. Is your partner jealous of your friends or family?

d. Does your partner expect to be told where you have been when you are not with her/him?

e. Does your partner think you are cheating on her/him if you talk or dance with someone else?

f. Does your partner drink or take drugs almost every day or go on binges?

g. Does she/he ridicule, make fun of, or put you down?

h. Does your partner think there are some situations in which it is okay for a man to hit a woman or a woman to hit a man?

i. Do you like yourself less than usual when you have been with your partner?

j. Do you ever find yourself afraid of your partner?

If you answered yes to questions in this group, please be careful and think about your safety.


Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?

Boundaries are important in determining the health of a relationship. Boundaries clarify where you stop and where I begin, which problems belong to you and which problems belong to me.

What are boundaries? "Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not. . . ." - Dr. Henry Cloud

Each of us has boundaries, some of which go unspoken, in many areas of our lives. We set boundaries in regard to physical proximity and touch, the words that are acceptable when we are spoken to, honesty, emotional intimacy (such as how much we self-disclose to others). When one or both people in a relationship have difficulty with boundaries, the relationship suffers.

The following characteristics indicate a problem in setting and enforcing boundaries.

~ Telling all.

~ Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.

~ Falling in love with a new acquaintance.

~ Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.

~ Being overwhelmed by a person--preoccupied.

~ Acting on the first sexual impulse.

~ Being sexual for partner, not self.

~ Going against personal values or rights to please others.

~ Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.

~ Not noticing when someone else displays

inappropriate boundaries.

~ Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want.

~ Touching a person without asking.

~ Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.

~ Letting others describe your reality.

~ Letting others define you.

~ Believing others can anticipate your needs.

~ Expecting others to fulfill your needs automatically.

~ Falling apart so someone will take care of you.

[Michelle27]

That healthy relationship list of questions is amazing.  My question about it... .is it possible for an unhealthy relationship to become healthy, as in the case of one BPD partner getting treated and the NON doing therapy and work on how we got to this place?  My husband and I are trying a therapeutic separation as he heads into work with our local mental health organization (including DBT) and I have done counseling myself on exactly how I got to this place.  I want to have some hope that what we're doing is going to potentially result in a better situation and more importantly, a healthy relationship after so many years of dysfunction.