What phase or place am I in?i feel scared and alone.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey everyone ,

My bf with BPD broke up with me two months back and I am NC with him for awhile now,like every BPD relationship there were lied betrayel and hurt I have explained it all in my other threads...

Since last month I have been thinking about what went wrong and what I could i have done to prevent it.thoughts like that filled with mixed emotions at times I wanted him back and other times I just wanted him gone ...

Right now I am at a point when I have started to think about myself.question like why did I put up with his BS on the first place?why did I trusted him with my heart when deep down I knew it very well that he will break it.i knew his dating history I knew he was trouble and once I got in to the r/s I realised it way to early that he had BPD and was not willing to do anything about it... he clear cut didn't wanted to change and he told me so  but I still continued the r/s anyway ...

While I was spending my time fixing him and this r/s,the world

Around mr kept moving ... people kept growing.my friends who used to look up to me lost there hope in me and they continued to living there lives by being more career oriented with realistic expectations and in healthy relationship ...

I look at everyone around me and I am amazed how well they are doing,some of them are in there way to getting married,some of them have such blooming and promising careers ahead...

They have a life and they ate so do happy and I am happy for them but now I look at myself and I am devastated with this realisation that I am worst then i was 3 years ago before getting involved this person...

I am so so lost ... my friends family looked up to me and now they feel sorry for me that I am stuck in this mess ... some of them know the reason and they tell me that only you can help yourself others who have no idea they just don't get what happened to me...

I don't know how to explain it but it feels like as if I was an addict and

I am in my way to sobering up... as if I was high or drunk and now I m finally getting back to my senses ... I look at myself and wonder what the hell happened to me?

I don't want him back anymore ... I want myself back ... I want

'Me' back and I am trying ... I know I have wasted 3 years of my life doing nothing.its late as in my friends are so far ahead of me but its still not too late.i need to get up

And start working towards my goals ...

But I m so scared  of failures ,I am a very intelligent student atlaset that's what I thought but I m scared of taking my final professional exam ... I fear I won't make it.

I have tried taking it before but due to Chaos I couldn't pass it...

Now I m trying to concentrate on my studies but I can't ,I see others and I realise that what I have lost and I lose all the courage ... in the other hand I fear I won't be able to love it find that person with whom I  would want a life ...

Along with these fears, I have this intense pangs of hurt and sorrow of being abandoned and used ... I feel so disposable and worthless .i have severe issues with self esteem and worth at the moment even though I know I deserve better but everything and everyone in my life makes me feel I don't... I don't know what to go about these feelings ?

Everyone knows that what he did to me... everyone talks about it and I feel like dying ...

Yes he left me and dumped me heartbroken i don't want anyone's sympathies ... I can't bear it.

But they don't know about his BPD's about his issues...

I m going through so much right now... mixed feelings of anger ,shame

And loss...

I want to take care of myself ,I want to live .i just don't know how to start...

Thankyou for reading and listening .

[Kasina]

Hey everyone ,

My bf with BPD broke up with me two months back and I am NC with him for awhile now,like every BPD relationship there were lied betrayel and hurt I have explained it all in my other threads...

Since last month I have been thinking about what went wrong and what I could i have done to prevent it.thoughts like that filled with mixed emotions at times I wanted him back and other times I just wanted him gone ...

Right now I am at a point when I have started to think about myself.question like why did I put up with his BS on the first place?why did I trusted him with my heart when deep down I knew it very well that he will break it.i knew his dating history I knew he was trouble and once I got in to the r/s I realised it way to early that he had BPD and was not willing to do anything about it... he clear cut didn't wanted to change and he told me so  but I still continued the r/s anyway ...

While I was spending my time fixing him and this r/s,the world

Around mr kept moving ... people kept growing.my friends who used to look up to me lost there hope in me and they continued to living there lives by being more career oriented with realistic expectations and in healthy relationship ...

I look at everyone around me and I am amazed how well they are doing,some of them are in there way to getting married,some of them have such blooming and promising careers ahead...

They have a life and they ate so do happy and I am happy for them but now I look at myself and I am devastated with this realisation that I am worst then i was 3 years ago before getting involved this person...

I am so so lost ... my friends family looked up to me and now they feel sorry for me that I am stuck in this mess ... some of them know the reason and they tell me that only you can help yourself others who have no idea they just don't get what happened to me...

I don't know how to explain it but it feels like as if I was an addict and

I am in my way to sobering up... as if I was high or drunk and now I m finally getting back to my senses ... I look at myself and wonder what the hell happened to me?

I don't want him back anymore ... I want myself back ... I want

'Me' back and I am trying ... I know I have wasted 3 years of my life doing nothing.its late as in my friends are so far ahead of me but its still not too late.i need to get up

And start working towards my goals ...

But I m so scared  of failures ,I am a very intelligent student atlaset that's what I thought but I m scared of taking my final professional exam ... I fear I won't make it.

I have tried taking it before but due to Chaos I couldn't pass it...

Now I m trying to concentrate on my studies but I can't ,I see others and I realise that what I have lost and I lose all the courage ... in the other hand I fear I won't be able to love it find that person with whom I  would want a life ...

Along with these fears, I have this intense pangs of hurt and sorrow of being abandoned and used ... I feel so disposable and worthless .i have severe issues with self esteem and worth at the moment even though I know I deserve better but everything and everyone in my life makes me feel I don't... I don't know what to go about these feelings ?

Everyone knows that what he did to me... everyone talks about it and I feel like dying ...

Yes he left me and dumped me heartbroken i don't want anyone's sympathies ... I can't bear it.

But they don't know about his BPD's about his issues...

I m going through so much right now... mixed feelings of anger ,shame

And loss...

I want to take care of myself ,I want to live .i just don't know how to start...

Thankyou for reading and listening .

[Take2]

Kasina... .   you very likely were and/or are still addicted to your ex... .  I'm going through that with mine... .have been for years... .  literally.  I found a behavioral addiction therapist.  He explained the addiction process in the brain - how our own brains literally became used to/addicted to the intensity with our ex's... .to the intermittent reinforcement that our ex's gave us.  Similar to a gambling addiction - where someone gets addicted to winning - sporadically.  That's why casinos are so successful.  Intermittent reinforcement is the strongest motivator there is of human behavior... .  even with no contact, it will take quite some time before we get used to having no "hit" of the addiction - ie, no contact, no drama, no highs and lows from our ex's.  This part is all us - but we can get through it...   you CAN find "you" again.  It WILL change back.  It just takes time.

Nobody needs to know his BPD issues.  Just focus on you.  Yes, it's incredibly hard to feel like everyone else looks at you like "what's wrong with her" - but that truly doesn't matter.  Just hold your head high and do your best in every possible moment.

My therapist reminds me to remember to do what I can each day - if changing my entire life is too much at once, then "do the next best thing".  Maybe the next best thing is just taking a walk around the block.  Maybe it's going to a 12 step program.  Maybe it's stopping the intense longing thoughts and just focusing on the dog sitting next to me.  Focus on the here and NOW.  And remind yourself over and over and over that you ARE a good person.  You ARE going to have a good life and all that.  Just focus on the here and now... .  hugs to you... .

[Kasina]

Thankyou take2,

For your encouragement and advice,yes I agree with you I am addicted to him or the highs and lows this relationship put me through... I am trying my best to get him out if my system and I hope I succeed .

I am trying to focus on me and on now but I feel so scared when I think about the future and mostly about it when everyone around me keep mentioning it to me over n over again .how do I deal with that?

Should I keep ignoring them and stop worrying about the future I try to concentrate what I can do right now for me?

Any advice ?

[downwhim]

The best thing you can do right now is take care of YOU. I am 6 months out and at 2 months I was still anxious and had major PTSD. It takes time and believe it or not you are making progress.

Leave him alone. Stay N/C. Try hard not to compare with others. You do not live their lives and know their issues. You are deserving of a fantastic life and do not let ONE person take that away from you.

I too was/am addicted to my exBPD fiancé. He had me wrapped around his finger and I became his toy. Almost 9 years later I am not better off so I tell you stay strong, end it now. It is not healthy and you have a bright future. It sounds like you are young and a college student so stay focused and DO NOT DO WHAT I DID and stay so long. It will get worse.

Stay in the now. Post, see a T if you can and remember your worth.

 

[Restored2]

Hi Kasina.  My heart goes out to you in all that you are struggling with.  I can also relate to where you are.  It is totally normal to have the mixed emotions that you have been experiencing too.  Many of us are rescuers with good intentions that simply end up back firing on us, leaving us feeling discarded, devalued and devastated.  

BPD is a twisted disorder that is difficult to deal with, both during the relationship and in the aftermath of the fallout.  BPD relationships can be extremely intoxicating.  I have heard others who have actually been drug addicts say that detoxing from drugs is much easier than detoxing from a BPD person and relationship.  

You are in an empowering position to choose yourself back over the BPD person.  You are stronger than you may think.  Talking your feelings out with people like us who truly understand and "get it" is a really good step towards recovery.  I would encourage you to take baby steps one day at a time and to be patient with yourself through the process.  

I wouldn't worry or allow yourself to be pressured about your future, when your first priority should be healing and restoration for yourself right now.  Your future will follow... . 

There is hope beyond the discouragement and despair that you are currently feeling.    

[Kasina]

Thankou downwhim for the kind words and encouragement.

It feels so good that someone out there understands how it is to be in my shoes and give me advice accordingly ...

I feel so anxious at times it seems that  I can't breath.it really takes a lot if efforts to just stay in my senses when something around me happenes these reminds me if my time with my ex,I feel this need to cry ... let it out but I can't I feel as if I don't have THe right to grieve over it because I did this to myself ...

It really worried me at time,I feel as if I suppressing my emotions or feelings .i don't want this aftermath of BPD r/s to leave any kind of unresolved or unsorted feelings or emotions .

Venting here and getting kind replied really helps alot.

So thankyou 

[Kasina]

Thankyou restored 2,

For the understanding and for the encouraging reply.

To know that someone can understand how difficult it is to get yourself out if this chaos is really comforting.

It literally feels a weight is shifted of your chest.

I am trying my best to work in myself,doing whatever I can do to give myself sine peace if my Mind and surely I need time to get over this... I wish it to be soon.

You are in an empowering position to choose yourself back over the BPD person.  You are stronger than you may think.  Talking your feelings out with people like us who truly understand and "get it" is a really good step towards recovery.  I would encourage you to take baby steps one day at a time and to be patient with yourself through the process.  

I really needed to hear this,it really is empowering that I m chosing myself over him and gets to know that as little as it might be but I am progressing towards recovery 

It really is good to talk about my feelings and getting so encouraging and supporting replies,it really helps alot in making sure that I m in right track .

[Inside]

Right now I am at a point when I have started to think about myself. question like why did I put up with his BS on the first place? why did I trusted him with my heart when deep down I knew it very well that he will break it.

I’d say you followed your heart, blindly concentrating on the behavior that drew you in … while ignoring or tolerating the negative, assuming, as he got to know you better, fell in love with you as deeply as you had him, that he’d work (as any healthy person would) to straighten out his problems, because of his love for you… 

While I was spending my time fixing him and this r/s,the world Around me kept moving ... people kept growing. my friends who used to look up to me lost there hope in me and they continued to living there lives by being more career oriented with realistic expectations and in healthy relationship ...

They hadn’t been mirrored, played to, idolized or the apparent sole focus of someone’s attention.  They resided in reality while you’d been swept to OZ…

... .but now I look at myself and I am devastated with this realisation that I am worst then i was 3 years ago before getting involved this person...

And, you will eventually graduate from the BPD School of Hard-knocks.  Not only will you apply your ‘degree’ to your future encounters but be capable of spotting the behavior and symptoms of pwBPD in order to protect yourself and your friends.  You will also have searched deep within yourself to hopefully find why and what had made you susceptible to such attention, improving yourself even more. 

Now, it feels like a loss.  Eventually, it will become insight and wisdom, putting you in closer contact with a better understanding of a malady of unfortunate human traits. 

I don't know how to explain it but it feels like as if I was an addict and I am in my way to sobering up... as if I was high or drunk and now I m finally getting back to my senses

Many compare a BPD r/s to a very powerful drug, I agree.  You are withdrawing…  As painful a process and likely the equivalent of any drug.  And fortunate for them - yet sad for you, few understand what you’ve experienced - beyond us  

... I look at myself and wonder what the hell happened to me?

Good.  But don’t be hard on yourself, you were likely targeted for your kindness.  That kindness was gobbled up and could not be matched by a pwBPD.  He likely admired it, mirrored it, but could never match it.  Now, it’s all yours!  And, you’ll know the type of person not to share it with... .

I don't want him back anymore ... I want myself back ... I want 'Me' back and I am trying ... I know I have wasted 3 years of my life doing nothing. its late as in my friends are so far ahead of me but its still not too late. i need to get up

And start working towards my goals ...

I don’t think it’s ever too late … and suspect you’re a fair amount younger than me…  And, you’ll have your degree in BPD!  So, you’ll be spotting all the ‘cluster B’ traits ... .and likely more.  And if you stuck it out that long with dysfunctional - just think how much ‘both of you’ will appreciate finding your equal.  The right match could put you light-years ahead of others - with an appreciation most may take for granted... .

But I m so scared  of failures, I am a very intelligent student at laset that's what I thought but I'm scared of taking my final professional exam ... I fear I won't make it.  I have tried taking it before but due to Chaos I couldn't pass it...

Consider the chaos over.  Focus on your academic desires - and all else will fall into place.  Anxiety gives us focus, channel it toward productivity.

Along with these fears, I have this intense pangs of hurt and sorrow of being abandoned and used ... I feel so disposable and worthless .i have severe issues with self esteem and worth at the moment even though I know I deserve better but everything and everyone in my life makes me feel I don't...

Then you get to prove them wrong!  Never believe that being outnumbered means outsmarted.  The good always seem to doubt themselves first, and worst … as the bad depend on that.  In your spare time, between studies, attempt to determine what makes you feel susceptible to the judgement of others.  I know, lots…  It’s the human condition, we’re a competitive lot and seem to tear others down in an effort to move up.  Expect it, then ignore it.  Focus on what’s in front of you and not along the sidelines and you’ll become oblivious to the static.

Everyone knows that what he did to me... everyone talks about it and I feel like dying ... Yes he left me and dumped me heartbroken i don't want anyone's sympathies ... I can't bear it.

I’m over a year out of my 3 year r/s with a BPDgf … time definitely gives perspective.  What I’ve come to realize is few will ever understand BPD like I now do, as mentioned - lucky them!  I also took tons of crap from family & friends for returning 7 times…  ‘We understand,’ the rest never will... . 

The only BPD r/s’s I’ve read that ... work are co-dependant, where both partners have disordered behavior thus need each other to appear ‘whole.’  You don’t want that, as the partner with BPD will always be disordered and though the one without may someday stabilize, they will be forever be drug down.  Factor in children… I’ve read it best described as Hell on Earth.

I m going through so much right now... mixed feelings of anger, shame And loss...   I want to take care of myself ,I want to live .i just don't know how to start...

Thankyou for reading and listening .

... .you are welcome, and, normal in your pain.  And, you’re among friends.  We’re kinda like frontline troops returning from heavy combat…  How much can we tell and how much can anyone not having been there understand... ?  Not much. Maybe the same feelings of loyalty and honor kept us in the trenches too long.  Did the smart one’s run, while we stayed on to do all we could?  The more I read of and by Non’s … honestly, the more impressed I am with their love and integrity.  If I were in battle - having the folks around here at my side would make a formidable front!  And if we can survive the emotional battle scars of a BPD r/s and partner - we’ve the right stuff!

If it gets too bad, do all you can to seek counseling of some kind.  Though not having successfully sought it for myself, let any therapist learn that you’re the ex of a BPD partner and half their questions will likely have been answered.  And whatever tiny fraction of this ‘was you,’ that’s all you have to fix.  As far as our former BP mates… not so lucky.

Bend into the wind then squint to keep your eyes on the prize - it will get closer.  And when you arrive, your understanding and appreciation will be the envy of all

[once removed]

hi kasina,

"everyone around me keep mentioning it to me over n over again .how do I deal with that?"

well, you tell them to stop. captain obvious over here 

but seriously. if you want them to stop, tell them. tell them exactly what youre telling us here. tell them you appreciate their concern, but you want to begin to focus on you, not the ex. perhaps indicate that if you do want to talk, you will come to them, but that right now its inhibiting your healing.

i can understand, especially if id not been through it, how fun and dramatic it would be for them, and the buzz they get discussing it, but if my friend made it clear that they were attempting to move on, and to stop this, itd be the last they heard of it from me.

[Restored2]

Thankyou restored 2,

For the understanding and for the encouraging reply.

To know that someone can understand how difficult it is to get yourself out if this chaos is really comforting.

It literally feels a weight is shifted of your chest.

I am trying my best to work in myself,doing whatever I can do to give myself sine peace if my Mind and surely I need time to get over this... I wish it to be soon.

You are in an empowering position to choose yourself back over the BPD person.  You are stronger than you may think.  Talking your feelings out with people like us who truly understand and "get it" is a really good step towards recovery.  I would encourage you to take baby steps one day at a time and to be patient with yourself through the process.  

I really needed to hear this,it really is empowering that I m chosing myself over him and gets to know that as little as it might be but I am progressing towards recovery 

It really is good to talk about my feelings and getting so encouraging and supporting replies,it really helps alot in making sure that I m in right track .

You're welcome, Kasina.  Glad to offer any words or encouragement and help.  You've got an entire group of people here that are offering you help/encouragement, so tap into everyone of us that you can.  Talking it all out is extremely therapeutic. 

I am still working on getting myself out of the chaos from the fallout of my relationship breakup, which is approaching 8 months ago now.  She abruptly broke up with me via an email message entitled "Goodbye", with a matching voice mail message that was just as cold and harsh.  She not only discarded me, but she cut me off and blocked me out of her life.  I was left in shock, stunned and numb.  It has been one of the most devastating and toughest experiences of my entire life.  To be forced to deal with this kind of mistreatment and abuse from someone whom I trusted with my heart, who professed their love to me and initiated talk of a future marriage together with me is beyond comprehension.

[Kasina]

Thankyou inside,

For reading and taking time to reply to my questions in detail ,I can't tell you how grateful I am to you for the consideration and your answers hit home and they have brought great amount of peace to my anxiety and paranoia.

Like you said yes I really did wanted him to love me enough to change a bit ad every person expects from someone without issues or BPD.i know I can't turn back time but atleast I have the answers so I can get over what I did in past.

Thank you for helping me see how can I benefit from this worst case scenerio that I endured and asking me to stay strong by keeping eyes on the prize and being kind to myself .

Everybody advices but the way you have explained and helped me infesting how to stay focus and move in is something worth praising .

I have read your post numerous times and I have saved it in my personal notes to read it time and again whenever I feel low so I can keep my head high.

Thank you so so much 

[Kasina]

[quote author=Restored2 link=topic=274497.msg12601884#msg12601884 date=1428344

I am still working on getting myself out of the chaos from the fallout of my relationship breakup, which is approaching 8 months ago now.  She abruptly broke up with me via an email message entitled "Goodbye", with a matching voice mail message that was just as cold and harsh.  She not only discarded me, but she cut me off and blocked me out of her life.  I was left in shock, stunned and numb.  It has been one of the most devastating and toughest experiences of my entire life.  To be forced to deal with this kind of mistreatment and abuse from someone whom I trusted with my heart, who professed their love to me and initiated talk of a future marriage together with me is beyond comprehension.[/quote]
Hey restored 2,

Sorry for your the hurt and for what you are struggling with right now.

It really is devastating to be left out cold Like that.

8 months is quite some time,how are you feeling right now?i hope you are in a better place and in your road recovery ...

You said she cut you out of her life out of blue and that it was sudden,can I ask were there any signs if being cold or distant ... was there something happened that triggered some bad feelings inside of her?just want an  understanding ...

Mine was really nice before he broke up,everything was great between us when it happened so was just wondering .,

[Restored2]

[quote author=Restored2 link=topic=274497.msg12601884#msg12601884 date=1428344

I am still working on getting myself out of the chaos from the fallout of my relationship breakup, which is approaching 8 months ago now.  She abruptly broke up with me via an email message entitled "Goodbye", with a matching voice mail message that was just as cold and harsh.  She not only discarded me, but she cut me off and blocked me out of her life.  I was left in shock, stunned and numb.  It has been one of the most devastating and toughest experiences of my entire life.  To be forced to deal with this kind of mistreatment and abuse from someone whom I trusted with my heart, who professed their love to me and initiated talk of a future marriage together with me is beyond comprehension.

Hey restored 2,

Sorry for your the hurt and for what you are struggling with right now.

It really is devastating to be left out cold Like that.

8 months is quite some time,how are you feeling right now?i hope you are in a better place and in your road recovery ...

You said she cut you out of her life out of blue and that it was sudden,can I ask were there any signs if being cold or distant ... was there something happened that triggered some bad feelings inside of her?just want an  understanding ...

Mine was really nice before he broke up,everything was great between us when it happened so was just wondering .,[/quote]
Hey Kasina.  Thank you for your sensitivity and condolences.

I am doing much better than I was the first few months out, as I went into a deep depression in the aftermath of it all.  I still haven't arrived at any place of total acceptance of what transpired.  It is really hard for me to process everything even now.  Pretty much every day I shake my head asking; how does someone mistreat and abuse another human being like this.  It is absolutely mind boggling to me.  I still love and miss her and her 5 children dearly.  The road to recovery has been long for me. 

There was some signs of her being cold and distant just prior to the breakup, but nothing to the degree that played out when she abruptly broke up with me.  The trigger appeared to be stress and her intake meeting for previously abused women, with me texting her to call me afterwards to let me know how it went.  She saw this as me prying into her counselling session.  This then continued on via text with her saying that I was controlling both her and our relationship and that she would not tolerate it any longer.  It was the very first time that I recall hearing her make such claims of me.  Only about 48 hours earlier she was all lovey-dovey towards me with telling me that she really did love me.

Yours sounds like there was absolutely no warning signs prior to him breaking up with you.  How did he deliver the breakup to you?

[Kasina]

Yours sounds like there was absolutely no warning signs prior to him breaking up with you.  How did he deliver the breakup to you?

There were some warning signs prior to break up he was dysregulated because of her ex's mom was texting him as she was hospitalised.he told about it to me that he hates himself for not being there for his ex... I validated him and used SET... it seemed that he was over it after a few days of severe anxiety and dysregulation but it didn't felt as if hr stopped loving me or wanted out of this r/s infact it felt like he grew much more closer to mr after sharing his thoughts with me ...

The b/u happened after a month of this,he wasn't angry at me or anything.he still seemed to care about me but he just wanted me gone as if he wanted me cease to exist for him.

I think due to his dysregulation and me bring busy with my sisters wedding triggered some bad emotions within him or maybe he just wanted to recycle his ex fur to whatever reasons and I was just an obstacle for him in doing so...

With BPD you just don't know what caused the shift in there emotions ,it was obvious though that he was having a hard time letting me go ... I just don't know why he did it though ?he loved me wanted to be close to me and at the same time hr just wanted me out if his life...

It's very confusing about him,he forms new attachments even then he is not ready to let go of old attachments until the person (non)puts a stop to it and detachs...

Do you have any idea what causes this in person with BPD?did you experienced something like this with your ex?

[Restored2]

Yours sounds like there was absolutely no warning signs prior to him breaking up with you.  How did he deliver the breakup to you?

There were some warning signs prior to break up he was dysregulated because of her ex's mom was texting him as she was hospitalised.he told about it to me that he hates himself for not being there for his ex... I validated him and used SET... it seemed that he was over it after a few days of severe anxiety and dysregulation but it didn't felt as if hr stopped loving me or wanted out of this r/s infact it felt like he grew much more closer to mr after sharing his thoughts with me ...

The b/u happened after a month of this,he wasn't angry at me or anything.he still seemed to care about me but he just wanted me gone as if he wanted me cease to exist for him.

I think due to his dysregulation and me bring busy with my sisters wedding triggered some bad emotions within him or maybe he just wanted to recycle his ex fur to whatever reasons and I was just an obstacle for him in doing so...

With BPD you just don't know what caused the shift in there emotions ,it was obvious though that he was having a hard time letting me go ... I just don't know why he did it though ?he loved me wanted to be close to me and at the same time hr just wanted me out if his life...

It's very confusing about him,he forms new attachments even then he is not ready to let go of old attachments until the person (non)puts a stop to it and detachs...

Do you have any idea what causes this in person with BPD?did you experienced something like this with your ex?

Hi Kasina.  It sounds like you used good validation and SET tools on him while he was dysregulating. 

The cut offs are overreactions to whatever they are perceiving in their world at the time.  BPD people do not operate in rational ways of thinking or emotions, which makes it difficult for us to process and comprehend what happened.  They are often propelled by fears of intimacy (closeness) with fears of losing their identity in a relationship (engulfed).  This is where the pull and push dynamics, with running away can kick in for them. 

Mine did not operate in forming new attachments like yours did.  She just wanted me to cease to exist is her life too.   

[DyingLove]

That made total sense as stated:

It has been one of the most devastating and toughest experiences of my entire life.  To be forced to deal with this kind of mistreatment and abuse from someone whom I trusted with my heart, who professed their love to me and initiated talk of a future marriage together with me is beyond comprehension.

Forget all the reasons, all the definitions, all the emotion and grief.  4 year olds should not be let out of reach of their parents... .right?  That is how pwBPD are getting compared... .  Reading about others going thru EXACTLY THE SAME THING THAT I AM just makes me sick.  I still feel like I'm losing my mind daily... .not to mention that I cannot get out from under the harsh weather and my physical issues right now.  I'm ashamed of myself for still thinking that I'm in love with her, I'm ashamed of myself for letting her CRIPPLE me as she has.  I'm ashamed to think that I still want her back and she can get help.  I'm ashamed that I've wasted YEARS with her and I have been nothing but a patsy, a fool, a jerk. I'm ashamed that I still shed plenty of tears over this... .We make a spectacle of sexual predators, it's all over the news and we know where everyone lives.  Maybe these "damagers" of life need to be made examples of too.

[Restored2]

That made total sense as stated:

It has been one of the most devastating and toughest experiences of my entire life.  To be forced to deal with this kind of mistreatment and abuse from someone whom I trusted with my heart, who professed their love to me and initiated talk of a future marriage together with me is beyond comprehension.

Forget all the reasons, all the definitions, all the emotion and grief.  4 year olds should not be let out of reach of their parents... .right?  That is how pwBPD are getting compared... .  Reading about others going thru EXACTLY THE SAME THING THAT I AM just makes me sick.  I still feel like I'm losing my mind daily... .not to mention that I cannot get out from under the harsh weather and my physical issues right now.  I'm ashamed of myself for still thinking that I'm in love with her, I'm ashamed of myself for letting her CRIPPLE me as she has.  I'm ashamed to think that I still want her back and she can get help.  I'm ashamed that I've wasted YEARS with her and I have been nothing but a patsy, a fool, a jerk. I'm ashamed that I still shed plenty of tears over this... .We make a spectacle of sexual predators, it's all over the news and we know where everyone lives.  Maybe these "damagers" of life need to be made examples of too.

Thank you, DyingLove.  Glad that in my own confusion I am making sense.

It is sicking to hear about others going through "exactly the same thing", but there is a comfort in knowing that we are not alone in some isolated disordered relationship that no one else can relate to.  I do wish that none of us had to be here, with BPD and other disorders not even existing.

I can relate on the losing your mind aspect too.  It is difficult to process what is confusingly hard to process in the first place.  One cannot rationalize irrational behavior.  To add harsh weather and physical issues would only make it even more challenging for you.  What are you doing to make yourself a priority and take care of you?

There is no need for you to feel ashamed for anything that you mentioned, including your shed tears.  I have shed tears in the aftermath from the fallout of my relationship too.  BPD people are disordered in so many ways that negatively impact and affect us on magnitudinal levels.  There is no shame in having a heart that was trusting, loving and hopeful like you expressed.  For this is what true love should really comprise of, as found in "the love chapter" of I Corinthians chapter 13 in The Bible.

I can totally understand your frustration with BPD people.   

[DyingLove]

Restored2, I wasn't "knowingly" doing anything for myself.  I had just gotten some great info in a response to  a post I wrote yesterday or  the day before.  I'm going to start thinking about me as much as I can in days to come.  I'm still spending too much friggin time thinking of her and all the "WHAT IF'S".  I'm still thinking of the fantasy of us getting back together, and me loving her and other things that I know I have to let go of asap.  I have no idea what she's up to... .and do I really want to know?  NO I DON'T... .but there is that feeling that makes me want to worry about her and be jealous and etc.  All bad stuff.  It's almost like looking for her at everyturn of the corner... .thinking at 6am that she's getting up, 7am she's leaving the house... .Tuesday- Pizza night, etc.  Yesterday I emailed the 9yo's teacher to find out that she's doing ok.  As much as I feel that I don't even care, I guess I do.  Such confusion... .wish I could make money at it.

[Restored2]

DyingLove:  All of your thoughts and feelings are normal reactions in trying to sort through the confusion of everything. 

It is really easy to get lost and neglect ourselves in the midst of the mess and the muddle, especially when all of our focus is on the BPD person and relationship.  I encourage you to follow through with making yourself a priority and taking care of yourself.  This will put you on a higher track, upwards and forwards... . 

Please be good, patient and kind to yourself.  You deserve it! 

[DyingLove]

DyingLove:  All of your thoughts and feelings are normal reactions in trying to sort through the confusion of everything. 

It is really easy to get lost and neglect ourselves in the midst of the mess and the muddle, especially when all of our focus is on the BPD person and relationship.  I encourage you to follow through with making yourself a priority and taking care of yourself.  This will put you on a higher track, upwards and forwards... . 

Please be good, patient and kind to yourself.  You deserve it! 

Thank you Restored2.  You put that so nicely. When I think of how I blame myself, at least on the inside, it brings me to tears. Almost every time.  I am so pent up with emotions I never thought I would ever feel this way.  When I was in the truck, making my escape from the clutches of the ex, I knew I'd be sad for at least a while driving back to NY.  At times I was elated... .but the grief returned as fast as it left.  It's hard not to think about that "photo of her in my mind", even when she first met me at the airport in 2011. So many pains.

I am proud to say, I had a "decent day" yesterday. My cold/cough is getting better... .I think my pinched nerve is getting a little better also (STRESS).  I find that I'm not going to tears as quickly as usual, and I'm able to talk about things more without choking up.  It still happens a lot, but like I said... .better. Still N/C. I can't see that changing. She's not attempted to contact me at all.  I did contact the teacher of her 9yo, just to see how she was doing in school. Teacher gave me a very generic but positive answer.  I feel sometimes that I remain closer by doing the things I used to do... .but I know sometimes I should not... .it's hard to cut that ribbon and never be connected again.  :-(

[Restored2]

You're welcome and thank you for the compliment, DyingLove.  Glad to hear that you had a decent day yesterday.

Controlling ones emotions in the aftermath of the fallout is difficult.  It can be an emotional roller coaster ride at times.  Talking your emotions out with us on here and through a counsellor is very therapeutic.

It is hard to cut ties with someone that we value and care about that we were in relationship with.  Often a BPD person does not value themselves, which would explain why they wouldn't value us and our relationship with them.     

[going places]

Hey everyone ,

My bf with BPD broke up with me two months back and I am NC with him for awhile now,like every BPD relationship there were lied betrayel and hurt I have explained it all in my other threads...

Since last month I have been thinking about what went wrong and what I could i have done to prevent it.thoughts like that filled with mixed emotions at times I wanted him back and other times I just wanted him gone ...

Right now I am at a point when I have started to think about myself.question like why did I put up with his BS on the first place?why did I trusted him with my heart when deep down I knew it very well that he will break it.i knew his dating history I knew he was trouble and once I got in to the r/s I realised it way to early that he had BPD and was not willing to do anything about it... he clear cut didn't wanted to change and he told me so  but I still continued the r/s anyway ...

GOOD!

YOU work on you.

Work out 'why' you picked him / his type and then 'why' you stayed in an unhealthy relationship.

That way you do not repeat this mistake.

While I was spending my time fixing him and this r/s,the world

Around mr kept moving ... people kept growing.my friends who used to look up to me lost there hope in me and they continued to living there lives by being more career oriented with realistic expectations and in healthy relationship ...

I look at everyone around me and I am amazed how well they are doing,some of them are in there way to getting married,some of them have such blooming and promising careers ahead...

They have a life and they ate so do happy and I am happy for them but now I look at myself and I am devastated with this realisation that I am worst then i was 3 years ago before getting involved this person...

Good News... .YOU SEE.

You see 'who' you were, what you became, and this is NOT who you want to be moving forward.

Do not focus on what others are doing so much as you focus on where you want to be and how to NEVER be in the situation you were in, ever again.

I am so so lost ... my friends family looked up to me and now they feel sorry for me that I am stuck in this mess ... some of them know the reason and they tell me that only you can help yourself others who have no idea they just don't get what happened to me...

Are you sure?

Or is this how you 'perceive' things to be?

Have they (friends and family) said "awww I feel so sorry for you"?

If no one is there to help prop you up... .then you will have to gut this one out on your own.

Do not let that embitter you; let it empower you, let it grow you to be a stronger person.

I don't know how to explain it but it feels like as if I was an addict and

I am in my way to sobering up... as if I was high or drunk and now I m finally getting back to my senses ... I look at myself and wonder what the hell happened to me?

IKR.

Addiction is the closest way to describe this... .

But trust me, when you are 'drug-free'... .it's amazing. It's an AMAZING life.

I don't want him back anymore ... I want myself back ... I want

'Me' back and I am trying ... I know I have wasted 3 years of my life doing nothing.its late as in my friends are so far ahead of me but its still not too late.i need to get up

And start working towards my goals ...

I was deceived for 22 years... .

YOU focus on YOU 100%.

Get to the root... .figure out why you were attracted to him in the first place, then figure out why you 'stayed' even though you KNEW it was 'bad'... .then work thru that.

You NEVER want to make this mistake again.

But I m so scared  of failures ,I am a very intelligent student atlaset that's what I thought but I m scared of taking my final professional exam ... I fear I won't make it.

I have tried taking it before but due to Chaos I couldn't pass it...

Fear

Own it.

Look it straight in the eye and tell it to go back to hell, where it belongs.

Re-wallpaper your mind.

When a 'fearful' thought comes in; have a victorious thought ready to battle it.

A fearful thought says "this is too hard, you can't do this".

A victorious thought says "you got this, so what if you stumble, so what if you fall... .as long as you get up and keep moving; YOU are making progress".

Now I m trying to concentrate on my studies but I can't ,I see others and I realise that what I have lost and I lose all the courage ... in the other hand I fear I won't be able to love it find that person with whom I  would want a life ...

Focus, on you.

Put 100% of your focus on your studies... .100%.

Don't 'worry' about the other stuff until you have mastered your studies.

Worrying is buying trouble.

Along with these fears, I have this intense pangs of hurt and sorrow of being abandoned and used ... I feel so disposable and worthless .i have severe issues with self esteem and worth at the moment even though I know I deserve better but everything and everyone in my life makes me feel I don't... I don't know what to go about these feelings ?

REMOVE the toxins from your life.

If someone makes you think/feel like you are worthless? Get away from them ASAP.

Family or otherwise

GET away from them.

Reach out to support groups / abused women's shelters-outreaches will have 'groups' where women who have experienced similar things, can talk... .and if nothing else? They are in a group of women who understand what they have been thru and they KNOW they are not alone... .

Everyone knows that what he did to me... everyone talks about it and I feel like dying ...

Yes he left me and dumped me heartbroken i don't want anyone's sympathies ... I can't bear it.

But they don't know about his BPD's about his issues...

I m going through so much right now... mixed feelings of anger ,shame

And loss...

I want to take care of myself ,I want to live .i just don't know how to start...

Thankyou for reading and listening .

Set a goal, work towards the goal.

Plan the work, work the plan.

I am so sorry. I have been in the place where you are, and I felt like it would never end.

It would take my breath away. I would lay on the couch for days... .DAYS... .

My thoughts would consume me and keep me down, depressed, self-loathing.

This is a battle for you life.

You have to start forming 'weapons' against the negative lies.

You have to use those 'weapons' against the negative lies.

Google abuse women's shelter ________ (your city and state) and find a place close to you that has group meetings. And go. IT was a God-Send for me... .