ex threatened police

[Restored2]

What you have to remember is that pwBPD lack core self and the inability to look inwards.

3 years on and 3 years of NC and last month she started emailing legal threats.

Thank you for sharing, Ripped Heart.  You have given me much to chew on and digest. 

What does a lack of core self involve?

I was baffled at how mine was extremely intelligent and had the insight and ability to constructively assess others, yet seemed to lack the insight and ability to constructively look inwards at herself and her own behavior.  This is quite disjointed to me.  Is this normal for BPD people?

It is quite stunning to hear how yours has been 3 years NC and last month broke NC via email with legal threats against you.  What kind of legal threats could she possibly conjure up at this point in time?

[Beach_Babe]

Three years Is a long time to initiate legal threats after no contact. Yikes.

I presume the threats will stop now that I went away. The mutual "friend" has caused a lot of problems. He publically posted Facebook conversations he had with him and told ex I did it (at time ex knew we were hanging out together) and even sent a message to ex from his account (he said it was me I borrowed his phone) saying he was fat.  In the past he has told ex I was talking crap about him. He seems to think drama is funny. Ex believes everything he has painted him so white. But the truth is this friend could care less about ex he even admitted he was just using him (and would continue to do so)  ex has come and gone and even made police threats before but always backtracked and left a crumb of occasional contact to leave door open. Now nothing. And mutual friends are now starting to unfriend me on Facebook. This has never happened before. He is gone for good. He wishes I was dead. And I'm sure he is very happy.

[Ripped Heart]

Sorry, meant to say 3 NC from me, as for her, she has attempted contact almost every month in the past 3 years with a break for 4 months last year. That's the NPD refusing to be beaten and needing to be in control. It's me that hasn't responded to anything she has sent through in those 3 years.

Lack of core self is pretty much lack of self esteem or self worth. There are things we develop from childhood which our pwBPD never experienced or overcame. Instead of what makes up our values and beliefs many pwBPD lack that side of themselves and often present as having it because they mirror us. That's partly why we feel such a deep connection initially because they mirror our beliefs and values that we feel we have met someone who shares those things we feel deep down.

I love the term mirroring because essentially that's what it is. If you look in a mirror and smile, you know why you are smiling but the mirror is copying you. It has no sense of self and is only reflecting back what you are doing. It may also be why your ex was really good at assessing others but unable to look inwards. For some pwBPD, they can look inwards but it's too painful or they don't understand where those feelings are coming from and often because it's painful as well as that pain being associated to a specific person you get elements of projection.

Beach_babe, given the reaction of your ex, it's probably safe to say he isn't very happy at all. Right now, he's probably only surviving and what you have experienced there with his friend is triangulation. You are the villain, his friend is the rescuer and he is the victim and that dynamic can change at any point, either towards you or to someone else. His friend sounds very much like an enabler especially creating the drama by using you the way that he did. It also sounds like he was playing an active role in the triangle himself, making you the villain so he could be the rescuer. That's a dynamic I had with exN/BPDw's mother who is very much NPD herself. There was one triangle where exN/BPDw was the victim, I was the rescuer and her mother was the villain but then a 2nd triangle over the top of that where exN/BPDw was the victim, her mother was the rescuer and I was the villain. In both, ex was always the victim and which way it went depended on how close she got to me because she controlled one triangle and her mother controlled the other.

As far as mutual friends unfriending you, initially I found that experience a little painful but then realised that if someone isn't prepared to make their own judgement or react based on stories they have been told, then really you are probably much better off without them in your life. I had a number of mutual friends contact me because things just didn't add up, others who knew something was wrong but kept silent, those who reacted immediately to smear campaigns and those who a year or so later apologised for reacting the way they did.

[Beach_Babe]

I have been accused of everything from stalking to drug dealing as well

[Restored2]

Sorry, meant to say 3 NC from me, as for her, she has attempted contact almost every month in the past 3 years with a break for 4 months last year. That's the NPD refusing to be beaten and needing to be in control. It's me that hasn't responded to anything she has sent through in those 3 years.

Lack of core self is pretty much lack of self esteem or self worth. There are things we develop from childhood which our pwBPD never experienced or overcame. Instead of what makes up our values and beliefs many pwBPD lack that side of themselves and often present as having it because they mirror us. That's partly why we feel such a deep connection initially because they mirror our beliefs and values that we feel we have met someone who shares those things we feel deep down.

I love the term mirroring because essentially that's what it is. If you look in a mirror and smile, you know why you are smiling but the mirror is copying you. It has no sense of self and is only reflecting back what you are doing. It may also be why your ex was really good at assessing others but unable to look inwards. For some pwBPD, they can look inwards but it's too painful or they don't understand where those feelings are coming from and often because it's painful as well as that pain being associated to a specific person you get elements of projection.

Thank you for clarifying, Ripped Heart.  Your detailed explanation makes total sense.

[Beach_Babe]

My ex has told people I am selling and abusing drugs, am stalking him, physically abused him and raped him. I am terrified and spend my days now completely unable to function and having panic attacks. While he is happy and content.

Why? I don't deserve this.

[Suzn]

Beach_Babe is it time to change your phone number to protect yourself?

[Beach_Babe]

Yes I already did. Just still the fallout from all this. I mean wow. if I were a man I'd be in jail probably with all these crazy accusations. Why do I deserve it?

[Restored2]

You're right, Beach_Babe.  A man that has a woman make such "crazy accusations" against him is an extremely vulnerable position for a man.  In many ways it is really an insult and threat to his own manhood, as this is in the area of protection where a man naturally operates from.  For a man to be brought up on accusations against him from a woman that he has loved and protected by another protection force, namely the police, hits to the core of his very being. 

Your question echoes for me, as I too have asked the question of myself many times; "What have I done to deserve this mistreatment?"  I don't believe that we have done anything to deserve being mistreated and abused.  As the saying goes; "Hurt people, hurt people".  It is like a previously abused dog that lashes out to bite and hurt whoever comes too close to it.

[Suzn]

An over reaction by someone else has nothing to do with us. Try not to take this personally, even though it feels personal. We can't rationalize irrational behavior. That can keep you stuck in circular ruminations.