Emotional Reasoning - Whack-a-mole -

[Trog]

I have to say, regardless of what my ex ever said or did, the worst aspect of the relationship was the emotional reasoning and the crazy making behaviour of never being able to solve a conflict ever because

a) nothing she ever did was wrong

b) if ever i brought anything up that i found hurt or disrespected me she would bring up an argument from as long as 7 years ago in order to not discuss the incredibly hurtful thing she'd just done and it some really lose way link it to what I was upset about! Just to avoid speaking of it and make me to blame.

I'd just like to say, no one did that to me today, or this month or even this year and as sad as I've been to see my marriage fail the pain of going round and round desperately trying to solve a conflict so we could continue our marriage only to be met with riddles and this crazy avoidant behaviour just so she can avoid (... .actually I do not know what she was trying to avoid, i assume its blame as she could never take any... .my solving an argument was like trying to feed a toddler carrots... .). Why can't a BPD resolve an emotional conflict or ever own their shizzle?

Its amazing to me they'd rather cling onto this style of behaviour than save their own marriage. I guess its just part of the illness, and for me, the most irritating part.

[fromheeltoheal]

b) if ever i brought anything up that i found hurt or disrespected me she would bring up an argument from as long as 7 years ago in order to not discuss the incredibly hurtful thing she'd just done and it some really lose way link it to what I was upset about! Just to avoid speaking of it and make me to blame.

That's probably because the emotions she was feeling were the exact same emotions she was feeling those 7 years ago, so to her it's the same thing, and then the defense mechanisms kick into gear, and you need to be the scumbag and entirely at fault for her to live with herself.  We all do that to some extent, but the ability to self-soothe is hampered in borderlines, so it gets taken to the extreme, an absolute.  As you mention, crazymaking for those of us on the other side of it, and very frustrating that nothing ever gets resolved that way, but such is life with mental illness.  But hey, you're out; how's the quitting smoking going?

[Trog]

48 hours! The only cravings I get are with coffee. Especially as I have this really nice coffee that I used to drink and have with my morning cigarette, it was a luxury for me and something I looked forward too. Now the challenge is just to enjoy the coffee,... .its nice coffee! Even without the nicotine! It'll come. (I also went on a 16k bike ride today!)

Things really are a lot better, I'm at a stage in my healing where I feel like I'm past angry and hate but I still don't fully understand my emotions. Sometimes I still become upset and miss her but these feelings are becoming replaced with the great feeling that I have in my life now, which has been missing for 7 years... .peace! If I do miss her, I try and focus on what I have now, peace, and why I didn't have peace then (emotional reasoning and crazymaking behaviours). It is taking me quite a long time to recover properly but I don't think I healed too quickly because I really felt so much hate for her at the beginning that I couldn't process and b) I also undermined the effect this had on me at my core, I really didn't think I would be a person who would make excuses for an abusive relationship. As my mother did.!

Anyway, no whack a mole today

[mitatsu]

My Marriage failed after 6 months (4yr RS in total) and whilst it's devastating in one way it's also a relief as like you i was constantly questioning this 'little child' i tried to reason with

and i've learnt so much about me its amazing

[raisins3142]

She told me she was irrational and reasoned with her feelings.  I should've believed her more!  I thought "nah, no one can be that bad about things!"

After I ended things, she wrote a long letter stating that the reason why I did not trust her is because I was just like my dad who in the 70s did not like the idea of my mom going to college because guys would hit on her.  Whatever.  It just shows how desperate she was not to look at her self.  She had to bring up a story from before my birth that I told her once in passing.

[sun seeker]

  Raisins

My dexBPDgf had the same gig. ANYTHING you tell a BPD will be used against you at a later date. 

  What the heck? Isnt that part of being in a serious r/s you share the good the bad and the ugly. It was so freeing to open up and share all of myself with my dexBPDgf. And then have it ALL thrown back at you in a very hurtful manner.

Definitely going to think twice about opening up to anyone...