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isilme
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« on: April 07, 2015, 10:09:08 AM » |
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I usually write way too much, but in a nutshell, I am really stressed at work, BPD-flea FI had a really bad year last year facing discrimination, abuse and even assault from his female boss that no one would listen to, so he left, we struggled for a bit, and now he's adjusting to a new job. I feel like I am not dealing well with all of this - it's like I can't focus, my brain only has so much it can work before it shuts down. Like I've fried something.
My work has had me in a high(er than normal) stress position to fill in for the interim between one person leaving, and new ones being hired. The job has so much going on, they are hiring TWO people to replace the one that left, and I've been alone trying to keep it afloat since January. I broke down crying last week when I had tried to help with some simple table formatting (I am a graphic designer by training and experience), a task in my old duties I can usually help with, when I was told an hours worth of work had been wasted and the tables needed complete reformatting. It resulted in a complete break down for me, at work (embarrassing), feeling bad for trying to set a boundary with my boss, stating I don't mind doing the tables when I have time, in this temporary position, I do not have the time, especially not to re-do them ad naseum. And then I felt like an ass for trying to assert myself, because I still have a real problem with that, especially at work where I want to be seen as helpful. I'm still looking for that acceptance I missed out on as a kid.
Things with FI have overall improved from the time I really needed to be on this board regarding our relationship, but last night was pretty bad and I am not reacting well.
My lack of focus seems to be affecting my ability to cook consistently, like it's totally hit or miss - I burn things one time, and undercook the next as overcompensation. FI has made disparaging remarks, and I know I do better when he's not home (he's exercising and I choose to make dinner while he's out), than when he's home because of it, I think. Last night I tried to do some stir fry, and I was frying noodles in some very hot oil - for some reason, leaving the hot oil on the stove top scared me. So I decided to dump it into the sink with the hot water running, which was a mistake. It made a God-awful sound, some splashed out (not hot, just frightening), which scared him, too, and so he commenced yelling at me for it. I know it was stupid, cannot tell you why it seemed like the thing to do, and frightened myself pretty badly, too. I had also made too much sauce for the amount of noodles and beef (but couldn't tell until it was combined) and so dinner was ruined. He was having a bad day himself, and fear of the house burning down is a BIG trigger for him (lots of arguments arise when he thinks I am being irresponsible with air freshening wax warmers - had to get rid of them to make him happy). I don't deny he was right in being upset. Or even in letting me know. Because I was upset, too, and really don't know what I was thinking. That's something that is really, really upsetting me.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like I can't think very well any more. I just want a break, but until they hire the new people, finally, I'm stuck. FI is having issues letting go of how he was treated in his last job, and even acknowledges he is projecting his feelings from the old job onto his new one. We are trying in earnest to save for home repairs, and hopefully in a year, a wedding. I have no family, being NC with those still alive, and we are not asking his family for any help - they are on limited income following retirement, and want us to get married in their living room because they can't/won't leave the house (a whole other story). I feel so overwhelmed, I think it is making me boneheaded. I can feel my mental processes being slow. I don't know what to do, except endure until hopefully, the new hire #1 comes on in (maybe) two weeks.
I am trying to make time to exercise, to go to sleep at a decent time, and for me, a work night's sleep of about 4 hours (as tracked by my fitbit) is the norm - 5 hours is amazing, and 6 is almost unheard of. I am trying all steps I can to help stay asleep the night thru, valerian root at bedtime, bedtime hygiene like clean sheets, a shower, no TV in bedroom, but I still wake up several times a night, and for every hour I'm in bed, I get about 30-45 minutes of sleep.
Can you burn out you brain after a good 3 solid years of stress? I was laid off in 2013, FI had to quit his job in 2014, and this mess at my work is going on, now. I don't even know what I am trying to say, but I just need to type to feel like I've been able to talk about it. I'm still not good sharing many things with others. Bad nights at home are really hard, after living in the BPD-taboo of don't-talk-about-home-unless-it-sounds-good.
His ideas of money and how saving and spending work are muddled. We only recently joined accounts, which I think is why we've been able to save at all - I am handling it. I know since he has some BPD-esque limitations, I take on too much, or let things slide. I got the flu and a sinus infection in January, and was very, very sick for about a week. I am still catching up on housework and chores I wanted to get done (Christmas Lights still on part of the roof) and need to feel at least 85% well and have good weather to do. It's Tuesday, and I am as tired as if it's Friday.
Sorry for rambling - those who know my story know I can't keep a diary anymore, so this is where I come.
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