BPD's/Narc's & Respect

[Change2014]

Hi everyone, I have had a longstanding battle with my parents over respect.  They think I don't respect them, that they deserve a certain treatment just because they are my parents.  I am in my upper 30's and I feel like they do not show me respect as an adult daughter.  I am expected to do what they ask with no push back, listen to what they say with no difference of opinion, and I am not to treat them as they treat me.  It is extremely frustrating.  I just can't bite my tongue with lack of reciprocity and as a result they think I am disrespectful.  I just can't handle it.  I feel like pulling my hair out and like I am going crazy.  I start questioning, am I mad, did I remember that correctly.  My uNPD father is still upset over a telephone call where he hung up on me, I called him back confused, because I wasn't sure, and then he proceeded to rage at me.  I promptly said I will talk to him later and got off the phone.  He has been upset for 3 months that I hung up on him.  He will not acknowledge that he hung up on me as well!  It is all about what I did.  He says I am disrespectful.  When he talks to me it is very controlling and emotionless.  I just get so frustrated at what feels like power trips.  It is like my inner self won't submit to them.  I know it would be easier, but I just can't!  I then start wondering, am I disordered?  I feel like respect is something that you can't demand and that if you want to be treated with respect you have to show other people respect as well.  I have been told by my uBPD mother that I am just supposed to bite my tongue.  Ironically, my parents don't even respect each other, at least in my opinion.  Anyone else deal with this power struggle over respect? 

[HappyChappy]

... .I feel like respect is something that you can't demand and that if you want to be treated with respect you have to show other people respect as well. 

I would agree with your definition of respect – spot on. However someone with a personality disorder can not do empathy. If you are to respect someone, you need empathy. How can I respect how you feel, if I don’t know how you feel. So “respect” to a BPD, is doing as you are told.

So maybe the issue is that you don’t have a disorder, hence your definition of respect is in the dictionary and theirs isn’t. I had the “honour you mother and respect your parents” because it says so in the Bible, thing going on. But I think you must first act like a mother, to get motherly respect. My BPD certainly didn’t act like a mother.

I once read, the best way to stop a BPD/NPD taking advantage is to demand respect. As when they disrespect you, it’s a test to see how much further they can go. It’s a way of knocking your self esteem down, so they can manipulate better.

So in summary, I doubt anyone gets “respect” from a BPD/NPD, so don’t take it personally. But just because they are blood, doesn’t mean you have to except a lack of respect.

[zundertowz]

I have had similiar problems with my mother, I suspect she may be BPD herself.  Most interaction involves name calling and critisim and im also in my 30s.  My ex BPD would contact her on a regular basis even though I asked them both not to communicate behind my back.  It went on for years and she took her side all of the time.  This also makes me think am I the one who is crazy?

[oceaneyes]

I have had similiar problems with my mother, I suspect she may be BPD herself.  Most interaction involves name calling and critisim and im also in my 30s.

My most recent spat with my uBPD mom was about respect, ironically after she pulled my hair and I let out an obscenity in response. I'm 29 years old, cursing should not be shocking to her, and I'm sure I've said curse words in front of her before. Surprisingly, this is the first time she's brought up the respect issue with me. My whole life she's criticized and judged my personal appearance, telling me to suck it in and that I should wear larger shirts, commenting on how big my nose was and if I didn't agree with her on some issue, she loved to point out how I look just like my estranged father whom she divorced when I was young. I suspect she never judged my decisions in life because I basically did whatever she suggested (which school I should go to, what extracurricular activities I should participate in, etc.).

To combat the criticisms and judgments, I usually just ignore them. Before I suspected BPD, I used to respond to them and she would act as if I was the crazy one "Why are you so upset? I'm just pushing your buttons! I just love to see you get all upset, it's hilarious!" What parent LIKES to upset their children? She made me feel like I was uptight and taking things too personally.

I grew up in the south always being told you should respect your elders, but respect is a two-way street and it is most definitely earned. It's hard being the rational and logical one, because no matter what you say, pwBPD will never be able to empathize. For this reason, I suspect I'll never be respected as an adult by my uBPD mother until she seeks help.

[zundertowz]

I have the same views... I need respect in order to give it!  I cut my mother out of my life for three years and i felt guilty so I gave it another chance.  Within weeks it was the same old nonsense. So now Im in no contact with my BPD mother and my BPD ex... .My mind is spinning. LOL

[Change2014]

Thank you for all of your responses. The one-way street they expect drives me crazy, but I know I am not alone here. It seems they can treat me like a friend and I am expected to never forget I am their daughter. As a result, it just makes me more guarded and distant.

Oceaneyes - I do relate a lot to your story and other post. My mom always thinks I am too sensitive or overreacting but then she can flip out over anything. Very frustrating.

[zundertowz]

The respect just because you are my mother thing is something that I have really struggled with... .at what point does family get throw out the window when your being verbaly abused and disrespected?