BPD: they can't be alone and have an immediate need to replace

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Yesterday as I was leaving my house to run errands, I saw my ex's car up at my church.

I live at the end of the street where my church is, so I pass it multiple times a day.

I picked up some lunch and headed down to run my errands and ended up BEHIND my ex!

I was sure I would get a text or email from him yesterday, but I didn't luckily! I would have ignored it because since I've been NC with him I feel like I'm slowly healing.

He was up at my church meeting with a friend I introduced him to (male elder from the church).

I found out some pretty interesting things. (Not from the elder, our parents have been friends for years. )

He and my replacement are "off" again and he's already signed up on plenty of fish to find her replacement as quick as possible.

This was after only 3 months with the replacement.


What I've read about BPD is so very true.  He can't tolerate being alone and his need to attach to someone quickly. I've read that so many times in looking for answers to help make sense of this disorder and what was going on between us.

I feel I've dodged a huge bullet!

For so many years I've been blind to what's been going on.

I really felt he loved me. I really believed all the things he was telling me.

It's all just a game of manipulation to avoid the huge hole inside of him that me must fill with validation and attention from a woman.

After only a month of us being broken up he was spending all his time with my replacement and bought her a Valentine's day gift.

He's been showering her with affection, attention and gifts.

All the same things he did with me.

And I found out when he sent me the two emails 45 days after we broke up, that the replacement and him were having issues. So basically he was just looking to attach himself back to me so he wasn't alone.

Who is this person I spent 5 1/2 years with? Who told me I was his angel and soulmate.

Who couldn't imagine a life without me. Who said "I'll never love anyone the way I loved you."

As we were saying our final goodbye in January.

I'm so very thankful that I've stayed NC for my own healing and safety.

It's so very clear to me he's very, very sick.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Yesterday as I was leaving my house to run errands, I saw my ex's car up at my church.

I live at the end of the street where my church is, so I pass it multiple times a day.

I picked up some lunch and headed down to run my errands and ended up BEHIND my ex!

I was sure I would get a text or email from him yesterday, but I didn't luckily! I would have ignored it because since I've been NC with him I feel like I'm slowly healing.

He was up at my church meeting with a friend I introduced him to (male elder from the church).

I found out some pretty interesting things. (Not from the elder, our parents have been friends for years. )

He and my replacement are "off" again and he's already signed up on plenty of fish to find her replacement as quick as possible.

This was after only 3 months with the replacement.


What I've read about BPD is so very true.  He can't tolerate being alone and his need to attach to someone quickly. I've read that so many times in looking for answers to help make sense of this disorder and what was going on between us.

I feel I've dodged a huge bullet!

For so many years I've been blind to what's been going on.

I really felt he loved me. I really believed all the things he was telling me.

It's all just a game of manipulation to avoid the huge hole inside of him that me must fill with validation and attention from a woman.

After only a month of us being broken up he was spending all his time with my replacement and bought her a Valentine's day gift.

He's been showering her with affection, attention and gifts.

All the same things he did with me.

And I found out when he sent me the two emails 45 days after we broke up, that the replacement and him were having issues. So basically he was just looking to attach himself back to me so he wasn't alone.

Who is this person I spent 5 1/2 years with? Who told me I was his angel and soulmate.

Who couldn't imagine a life without me. Who said "I'll never love anyone the way I loved you."

As we were saying our final goodbye in January.

I'm so very thankful that I've stayed NC for my own healing and safety.

It's so very clear to me he's very, very sick.

[parisian]

FLSunshine, no, they can't be alone. The disorder means they must have some form of attachment to feel okay about themselves. They simply cannot stand their own company or to be without a significant other.

Once attached of course, it will all start to come undone again. It's just a vicious loop they are destined to play out for the rest of their disordered lives.

[once removed]

lets not apply black and white thinking ourselves, here.

i have witnessed my ex go periods of time without a significant other. i have witnessed the same with people i suspect of BPD. i have witnessed the same on these boards. you may also have heard of the "hermit" BPD.

"https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality"

belief number six.

attachments can also come in many forms. a friend can fill many of the same roles of a significant other. "nons" are every bit as capable of this and there are plenty of stories on this board that attest to that.

"It's so very clear to me he's very, very sick." 

[Sofie]

attachments can also come in many forms. a friend can fill many of the same roles of a significant other.

True - also important to add, I think, that in some cases this attachment doesn't even need to be a person. The void may also be filled with drugs, food, reckless spending or other behaviours aimed at moderating feelings. My exBPD is more or less turning into a hermit who is giving up on relationships in favour or stuffing herself with food and painkillers to numb her emotional pain.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Yes, he's also filled it with food, reckless driving and excessive spending from what I saw when we were together.

I really do need to let go of the words said and focus on all the actions.

[Reecer1588]

Yes, he's also filled it with food, reckless driving and excessive spending from what I saw when we were together.

I really do need to let go of the words said and focus on all the actions.

Binge eating and reckless driving are outlined specifically in criteria #4 for diagnosis (as I'm sure you know)

; )

[Maternus]

My cousin is a diagnosed pwBPD. He is a single for more than 5 years now. But he shows typical BPD-behaviour. He idealises people and paints them black. For a while it was my mother he painted white, than black, after that he got a crush on the coach of the local soccer-team (He is not gay, but he said to me: "I love this guy, I would marry him!" and right now he is painting him black and my mother white again. He also told me, that he will never have a romantic relationship again, it makes him sick and he feels better alone. A pwBPD can live without a romantic partner, but they can't live without a source of supply. My cousin is 65 years old and has diabetes and leukaemia. But he is the kitman of his soccer-club and his soccer-club is his source of supply. He is ruining his health with his (unpaid) job as the kitman,  but he can't live without it.

[Mutt]

I have seen my ex partner mirror and idealize a friend in our marriage. We mirror and idealize as well and it was the mirroring for months that had me perplexed at the time. She would talk like her friend had all positive things to say about her and suddenly one day they stopped hanging out. I asked her why and her response was that her friend will hang out with someone then dump them and move unto another best friend.

I wondered after the break-up if there was intimacy because I see my ex partner differently, someone that I trusted is very secretive.  She had hid an affair, it makes me wonder if there were more people. It's hard to say because I didn't get the other parties story. My ex partner did split her black and this particular friend she didn't speak kindly of again or interact with her to my knowledge. I think it sounds right that she had an attachment and was likely rejected in some way. I do suspect that it may of been triangulation for her to cope as our marriage and relationship was having difficulties.

She often chose to do something with her friend and spent a lot of time with her and less so with me doing things; it could have been a budding romance, I think it was more so to ease pressure from the marriage at that particular time with triangulation. It's speculation and BPD is unstable inter-personal relationships.

On that token, I look at her actions at face value and don't listen to the words said, she often over exaggerates as a young child would. She was a person I trusted and we had different values that I overlooked during our courtship had I taken the time to get to know her. Everything was a blur and moved quickly, a lesson learned.

[Dutched]

I think that stating pwBPD can’t be alone and need immediate replacement is an over generalisation.

A same over generalisation as that pwBPD have already some one lined up.

Several stories on this board indicate different behaviour and it highly depends on which side of the spectrum the pwBPD functions.

As Maternus writes about a diagnosed pwBPD who is alone for several years.

From my experience, exHFBPDw was single for a longer time, in the meantime having fun, maybe flirting, etc. but not with a soother.

However as others in this topic describe, the pwBPD needs a source of supply.

Supply might be close relatives on which they (try to) rely. Blood is thick, the FOO is known / ‘safe’, trusted and above all, mostly are the enablers. 

Other supply is a kids who become with age a friend, even confidants.

As in my case D left with mother, reinforcing towards each other their behaviour and subsequently became each others source of supply. After exw found a soother, the ‘bond’ became less close…

Another source for pwBPD are friends (resulting in very frequent contact, until…), colleagues, etc. Any one that fulfils the need at that moment

[FlSunshineGirl]

I should have posted "my BPDex can't be alone and need a replacement to attach to".

Mine has clearly demonstrated this and I know many other BPD's have as well. But not all of them. I agree.

[parisian]

I agree it is a generalisation, but disagree it is an over-generalisation.

There will always be instances or examples that sit at either end of the bell curve. There will always be some examples that defy that. That is true for any poplulation / situation.

In general however, the need to have supply if you like, whether that is in the form of a relationship with a SO, enabler friends or something or someone else, seems to be very common for those with BPD.

Mine also couldn't be alone and needed to have an immediate replacement.

I found it initially hurtful as I'm sure others who were quickly replaced did too. Of course there are also nons who do this as well.

It was reassuring for me however, to understand how BPD impacts on their need to form some type of attachment to whatever quickly, as that is an unfortunate part of the illness. It was helpful for me to understand it had nothing to do with me, and at some point I expect the replacement will experience the BPD also. If they don't, then they are a much more patient, tolerant, better communicator or otherwise a saint than what I am, and I wish them both luck. My exBPD deserves happiness in a relationship as much as anyone, and I truly hope she can one day find that. It just will not be with me is all.

[FlSunshineGirl]

For those BPD that do have the need to quickly attach to someone to soothe them, are the behaviors they use deliberate manipulation?

Obviously my ex has used a certain strategy that's worked all his life to attract women.

Idealization, mirroring, guilt, shaming... .so it seems it's done consciously and deliberately to achieve the desired effect: find a new supply.

Last Christmas he wanted his mom and her friend to attend midnight mass service with him. They were both too tired to attend but he had a conversation with me and told me how he "shamed them into going." 

We were both reading a book and had agreed to read so many pages a day and discuss it.

My job was demanding a lot from me and I had gotten behind in the reading and he made a comment about he knows I'll never finish it without him.

That comment made me extremely angry. In the "I want to know every detail about you and what makes you tick" I had shared with him that sometimes I had a hard time finishing things I started. So he used that info to shame me to get what he wanted.

I find it hard to believe they don't know exactly what they're doing.

My ex was a very low functioning BPD and I didn't see a lot of the more extreme behaviors like the self harm until later.

He used threats of self harm on a couple of occasions to get his way as well.

I had called his therapist right away because I was so freaked out and she said, "he's manipulating you." And from that moment on she helped me set boundaries with him and he was like a child throwing a tantrum and suddenly discovering the tantrum wasn't working so he had to switch his strategy.

[Johnsok]

In my relationship if I break up with my SO after a few hours he will already be on plenty of fish trying to find someone else. It's so extreme to me that I didn't understand it and still don't, how can we be living together having a child but the minute things get rocky you need to find a replacement. He has always told me that it was just to hurt me because he will drop all of these "replacements" the same day he comes back to me begging for us to fix it. That has only made me assume he does not love me.

[FlSunshineGirl]

In my relationship if I break up with my SO after a few hours he will already be on plenty of fish trying to find someone else. It's so extreme to me that I didn't understand it and still don't, how can we be living together having a child but the minute things get rocky you need to find a replacement. He has always told me that it was just to hurt me because he will drop all of these "replacements" the same day he comes back to me begging for us to fix it. That has only made me assume he does not love me.

That's exactly what my ex did to my replacement.

As soon as they were off, he signed right up the next day on POF!

[vortex of confusion]

In my relationship if I break up with my SO after a few hours he will already be on plenty of fish trying to find someone else. It's so extreme to me that I didn't understand it and still don't, how can we be living together having a child but the minute things get rocky you need to find a replacement. He has always told me that it was just to hurt me because he will drop all of these "replacements" the same day he comes back to me begging for us to fix it. That has only made me assume he does not love me.

Oh man, I can really relate to this!

When I expressed discontent a couple of years ago, my husband pretty much ignored me. I did some stuff that I wasn't proud of doing. He saw it as a chance to open up our relationship and have an open marriage. At that point, we had been married 15 years with 4 kids. Instead of wanting to do the work involved in improving our relationship and marriage, he would rather chase other people. He would push me off on other people and would then get mad when he couldn't find a supply. It was this horrible back and forth thing between us. One day, he was all gung ho for both of us to have outside interests and the next day, when somebody would stop talking to him, he would push for it to be just us again.

I have been fortunate in that the friend that I made understood this and he was okay with me not talking to him for weeks or months at a time. I made my husband a priority for the longest time. At some point, I gave up because whenever I said or did something he didn't like, he was back online answering or posting ads. It still blows my mind that he doesn't understand why I have no interest in being in a romantic relationship with him. Sure, we can stay married until the kids are older and we can coparent together but that is it. I cannot have a relationship with somebody that can't even go a couple of months without having something or someone on the side. He has tried to project his sick and twisted ideas off on me. He will bug me about when I am going to go see my friend again. He doesn't get that I enjoy my friend's company but I don't have to see him all of the time nor do I have to talk to him all of the time. My idea of a relationship is one where both people are individuals that have independent lives. Just because somebody doesn't have time for you right now or needs space that doesn't mean that you are going to abandon them.

[Johnsok]

It's so not a normal way of thinking... Not only did he sign up the last time within hours but took her shopping and spent $300 on her after knowing her a few hours. Which of course was my money... Denied that and said he was buying me a birthday gift. Sorry I'm 7 months pregnant and you wouldn't be shopping at Victoria secret for me.

[Johnsok]

Isn't it weird? He was just talking to me about who's coming to our wedding we are suppose to be planning and a few days later is talking to someone else. Sorry but the instability isn't something I like or want. Tho I keep staying and not sure why anymore, maybe it's my own fear of abandonment.

[vortex of confusion]

It's so not a normal way of thinking... Not only did he sign up the last time within hours but took her shopping and spent $300 on her after knowing her a few hours. Which of course was my money... Denied that and said he was buying me a birthday gift. Sorry I'm 7 months pregnant and you wouldn't be shopping at Victoria secret for me.

My husband's thinking makes no sense to me. He tried to turn things around on me and accuse me of having a double standard and that his behavior was normal for somebody that is supposed to be in an open relationship. I talked to my friends that were in open relationships and it was NOT normal. It is not normal for him to go from not wanting to spend our 16th anniversary doing something with me to getting all excited about some chick he met online. He couldn't plan a date for us but he could get excited about her and even go so far as to speculate out loud to ME whether or not he was going to sleep with her.

[wanttoknowmore]

How quickly BPD will replace the EX basically depends on the intensity of their impulsivity... .the ones who are younger, more impulsive, use alcohol and drugs  to numb , can't hold jobs for longer periods and have short cycles with men and  drive recklessly ... .tend to get quickly involved with a replacement.

On the other hand, one who is less impulsive, drives carefully, does not abuse alcohol or drugs, have long term friends, longer make up break up cycles, have multiple hobbies and other interests are much less likely to get involved with replacement quickly. This is a general rule ... .not true in all cases.Those who have had less number of partners in life are also slow to get replacements.  Those who keep many men on the waiting list (their collection) are quick to replace the Ex.

[Infared]

I can only speak of my experience with one person. My exBPD definitely could not be alone. When I met her she was living with someone but told me that the ere.ationship had been over for months and that there was no relationship.  I said that I would not date her unless she was living on her own... .she moved out... .little did I know that five years later she would do exactly the same to me and I am sure she manipulated her new supply by telling him that our relationship was over and nothing could have been farther from the truth.

She lied to me and told me she was leaving me and abruptly packed a bag and moved out, coming back for her things later when she (they) had an apartment. 

I just knew in my brain (not my heart), that she could not live on her own, and what was the big hurry... it was all so abrupt!... .I just knew she was with someone else , but my heart could not face that for quite a while... .

What a horrible experience... .and what a sick, selfish, cruel, cold and vindictive person... .

Normal people just don't treat others like that... .there has to be mental illness or emotional damage there. I would not wish that experience on anyone... .brutal stuff... .it just about killed me.

[Deeno02]

I would keep from saying that it's an over generalization. I was replaced within one week. Over generalization? No. That was my reality. Look at other posts on the forum. Some are different, but many, so many are the same, that it's scary. Like I say all the time, same script, different actors.

[downnout98]

FLSunshine, no, they can't be alone. The disorder means they must have some form of attachment to feel okay about themselves. They simply cannot stand their own company or to be without a significant other.

Once attached of course, it will all start to come undone again. It's just a vicious loop they are destined to play out for the rest of their disordered lives.

My ex went crazy after we broke up and that in itself was a roller coaster ride. We were supposed to be working things out but she couldn't take the nights alone and soon replaced me. I told her that I couldn't understand how she could have someone she just met start living with her and her daughter within a week of their first date. She says she doesn't love him but he treats her good and is a nice guy. We were together for over three years and about to get married.

She said when they first met, she told him all about us and how tragic our break up was . That we were about to get married. It was the perfect opportunity for him to save the day by being her new white night. Since then she has mirrored with him, used what she is best at which is sex to hook him and uses me as triangulation to keep him fighting for her. She told me that she is always telling him how she can't get over me and that she can't love him the way she loved me, yet they are living a life together?

I know all this because we talked recently, after her texting me constantly, and I again asked her how she could be living with someone she does not love. Her answer was that it was complicated. At the time I was willing to give us another shot but she said that she couldn't trust me since I broke her heart by not moving back in when she wanted me to.

I am guessing that this new guy is giving her the security she needs. Not being alone.

[Infared]

FLSunshine, no, they can't be alone. The disorder means they must have some form of attachment to feel okay about themselves. They simply cannot stand their own company or to be without a significant other.

Once attached of course, it will all start to come undone again. It's just a vicious loop they are destined to play out for the rest of their disordered lives.

My ex went crazy after we broke up and that in itself was a roller coaster ride. We were supposed to be working things out but she couldn't take the nights alone and soon replaced me. I told her that I couldn't understand how she could have someone she just met start living with her and her daughter within a week of their first date. She says she doesn't love him but he treats her good and is a nice guy. We were together for over three years and about to get married.

She said when they first met, she told him all about us and how tragic our break up was . That we were about to get married. It was the perfect opportunity for him to save the day by being her new white night. Since then she has mirrored with him, used what she is best at which is sex to hook him and uses me as triangulation to keep him fighting for her. She told me that she is always telling him how she can't get over me and that she can't love him the way she loved me, yet they are living a life together?

I know all this because we talked recently, after her texting me constantly, and I again asked her how she could be living with someone she does not love. Her answer was that it was complicated. At the time I was willing to give us another shot but she said that she couldn't trust me since I broke her heart by not moving back in when she wanted me to.

I am guessing that this new guy is giving her the security she needs. Not being alone.

Remember rule number one: Do not believe one word of what a pwBPD tells you. They are expert liars. Watch their actions. That and only that tells the story. You are being lied to. Always. She is working at triangulating you, but just so she feels she has back-up In the wings... Nothing more. It's all about her.

[hoaianhcameron]

For those BPD that do have the need to quickly attach to someone to soothe them, are the behaviors they use deliberate manipulation?

Obviously my ex has used a certain strategy that's worked all his life to attract women.

Idealization, mirroring, guilt, shaming... .so it seems it's done consciously and deliberately to achieve the desired effect: find a new supply.

Last Christmas he wanted his mom and her friend to attend midnight mass service with him. They were both too tired to attend but he had a conversation with me and told me how he "shamed them into going." 

We were both reading a book and had agreed to read so many pages a day and discuss it.

My job was demanding a lot from me and I had gotten behind in the reading and he made a comment about he knows I'll never finish it without him.

That comment made me extremely angry. In the "I want to know every detail about you and what makes you tick" I had shared with him that sometimes I had a hard time finishing things I started. So he used that info to shame me to get what he wanted.

I find it hard to believe they don't know exactly what they're doing.

My ex was a very low functioning BPD and I didn't see a lot of the more extreme behaviors like the self harm until later.

He used threats of self harm on a couple of occasions to get his way as well.

I had called his therapist right away because I was so freaked out and she said, "he's manipulating you." And from that moment on she helped me set boundaries with him and he was like a child throwing a tantrum and suddenly discovering the tantrum wasn't working so he had to switch his strategy.

Oh so now i understand more about mu exBPDbf's replacement. He had manipulated me to the point i couldnt take it anymore and ignored him... .here come the final solution to him!