therapy ultimatum

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been trying to work on the relationship with BPDbf. He has been in therapy, and I have seen drastic improvement in a short period of time. His therapist says he only needs to come in every 2 weeks... .which I think he needs more like 3x a week. But something is better than nothing at this point.

Anyhow, he was supposed to have a therapy appointment today. I asked him this morning if he was going to therapy.

He said "oh i meant to tell you I cancelled it." 

I said "are you going to reschedule it?"

He said "hopefully Therapist has time on Friday"

I said "yes, I hope he does."

I proceeded to call him after several minutes and set my boundary... .I said "If you are not going to continue therapy and make it a priority, then I want to end the relationship."

I am now hoping this wasn't too harsh. He has known where I stand on therapy though.  Right now it is the glue that is holding us together. If he stops, then I do not see any reason to continue. He will go back to his old ways and cease moving forward and progressing. This is following a horrible weekend we had too.  Mind you, Sunday he told me that his whole family "know's I [him] am insane and are afraid of me.  I know I am insane." 

So, I am posting here more out of frustration this morning. Frustrated that he cancelled his appointment without rescheduling. Frustrated that he isn't making it a priority. After the fight we had on Saturday and Sunday, he really needed to see his T.  I cannot wait to see mine on Monday.

Hopefully that is a reasonable boundary. I think it is... .but I find that I question my own judgement about what is "reasonable" expectations most of the time anymore.

[cloudten]

I have been trying to work on the relationship with BPDbf. He has been in therapy, and I have seen drastic improvement in a short period of time. His therapist says he only needs to come in every 2 weeks... .which I think he needs more like 3x a week. But something is better than nothing at this point.

Anyhow, he was supposed to have a therapy appointment today. I asked him this morning if he was going to therapy.

He said "oh i meant to tell you I cancelled it." 

I said "are you going to reschedule it?"

He said "hopefully Therapist has time on Friday"

I said "yes, I hope he does."

I proceeded to call him after several minutes and set my boundary... .I said "If you are not going to continue therapy and make it a priority, then I want to end the relationship."

I am now hoping this wasn't too harsh. He has known where I stand on therapy though.  Right now it is the glue that is holding us together. If he stops, then I do not see any reason to continue. He will go back to his old ways and cease moving forward and progressing. This is following a horrible weekend we had too.  Mind you, Sunday he told me that his whole family "know's I [him] am insane and are afraid of me.  I know I am insane." 

So, I am posting here more out of frustration this morning. Frustrated that he cancelled his appointment without rescheduling. Frustrated that he isn't making it a priority. After the fight we had on Saturday and Sunday, he really needed to see his T.  I cannot wait to see mine on Monday.

Hopefully that is a reasonable boundary. I think it is... .but I find that I question my own judgement about what is "reasonable" expectations most of the time anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Michelle27]

It's your boundary, and they are designed to protect you so no one can say if it's too harsh or not.  That said, I totally understand where you are coming from as I've insisted on therapy many times over the years.  However, my uBPDh has admitted to totally sabotaging therapy those times that I insisted on it, and  zero progress was made.  People with personality disorders are masters at manipulation, and my husband is the master of them all, so he was able to do this repeatedly.  LOL  He now claims he is "ready" and is heading into therapy.  Thing is, we can only insist that they go, we can't make sure that they make progress... .

[cloudten]

That is so true... .we can't make sure they make progress. I hope yours goes and makes progress!

When I called my bf and told him that I want him to continue going or we are over, he hung up on me.

I texted him the exact sentence that I said verbally.

He responded:

"Therapy is for me and my goals. One of my goals is to be successful. I have 2 days of training so I don't have a lot of time to sell. Friday afternoon I am free so that's what works this week."

Clarifying- he is in insurance and is basically a salesman. I understand it is his work and it is important to him to be successful... .as it is to anyone with a healthy work ethic. He is his own boss as he owns several agencies. I understand that sometimes work comes up and we have to postpone. I really actually don't have a problem with him rescheduling... .I have a problem with him quitting therapy. I want him to understand that therapy is the glue to the relationship right now. If he wants to be successful at work- that is great!  If he wants to be successful in life and in this relationship- then he must stay in therapy. He has only been going for 2 months... .not 2 years.  This is the first time he has had to reschedule... .but I know him. I know that now that he has started this pattern, it will continue. He will cancel, and then stop going all together.

I don't know how to communicate this to him effectively.