Well here's my thing...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Whenever something happened to invoke a sit down or the beginning of an issue, her favorite SAYINGS were these:  Well let me ask you this. This usually ended up with something that I just couldn't answer or it might have even been a question on a question. The other saying or prelude to craziness was Well here's my thing... . Either way she was setting me up for failure and grief.  If I was talking first or didn't finish what I was saying or just anything... .she would kinda FOLLOW ME with the:  well you didn't answer my question... .OR  I'M STILL WAITING FOR AN ANSWER... .

Anyone share this type of behaviour?

[DyingLove]

Whenever something happened to invoke a sit down or the beginning of an issue, her favorite SAYINGS were these:  Well let me ask you this. This usually ended up with something that I just couldn't answer or it might have even been a question on a question. The other saying or prelude to craziness was Well here's my thing... . Either way she was setting me up for failure and grief.  If I was talking first or didn't finish what I was saying or just anything... .she would kinda FOLLOW ME with the:  well you didn't answer my question... .OR  I'M STILL WAITING FOR AN ANSWER... .

Anyone share this type of behaviour?

[valet]

Yeah, my ex used to play that game all the time. Some other ones:

'Repeat back to me what I just said.'

'I'll wait.'

'I feel like I know you completely, but you don't know me at all.'

Just a general close-minded nature in arguments, really. I would always give her the respect and consideration for her opinions that any person deserves, but she could never seem to do that for me, at least not during any kind of debate (she couldn't really do conflict). But, of course, if she didn't know how to do something she would always come running to me. It's typical, really, the push/pull mechanism that her thought patterns centered around. It's a quite brilliant style of manipulating someone. Boost them when you need their direct help, and knock them down when they contradict any of your 'established' beliefs. It makes us feel special to be needed for some things, almost to an extent that we forget about the constant invalidation and just cling to the actions that appease them.

Remember though, that this is a cyclical thing for them, and will most likely ruin or severely damage any close relationship that they have (family, friends, partners, etc.). The best we can do after ending a relationship with a person like this is offer them our DISTANT compassion and understanding.

[DyingLove]

Yeah, my ex used to play that game all the time. Some other ones:

'Repeat back to me what I just said.'

'I'll wait.'

'I feel like I know you completely, but you don't know me at all.'

Just a general close-minded nature in arguments, really. I would always give her the respect and consideration for her opinions that any person deserves, but she could never seem to do that for me, at least not during any kind of debate (she couldn't really do conflict). But, of course, if she didn't know how to do something she would always come running to me. It's typical, really, the push/pull mechanism that her thought patterns centered around. It's a quite brilliant style of manipulating someone. Boost them when you need their direct help, and knock them down when they contradict any of your 'established' beliefs. It makes us feel special to be needed for some things, almost to an extent that we forget about the constant invalidation and just cling to the actions that appease them.

Remember though, that this is a cyclical thing for them, and will most likely ruin or severely damage any close relationship that they have (family, friends, partners, etc.). The best we can do after ending a relationship with a person like this is offer them our DISTANT compassion and understanding.

Amen.  I don't know about actually offering them compassion and understanding... .unless what you mean is to administer those things to our own mind, heart and soul.

[valet]

Amen.  I don't know about actually offering them compassion and understanding... .unless what you mean is to administer those things to our own mind, heart and soul.

Yeah, I mean it more in the sense that we can't blame them directly (or anyone really) for how they react to certain situations because it simply doesn't compute correctly in their brains sometimes.

Honestly, I'll still fairly confused about a future relationship with my ex, as I do believe that friendship will be on the table in about 6 months when both her and I's living situation changes, and more importantly, I have detached. She is very high-functioning, but just can't manage her close relationships in a truly mature way, especially intimate ones with romantic partners. I would love to be her friend, truthfully. But yes, we'll see. If that time comes and she pulls anything, she's going back in the bin.

Maybe the thought that is holding me back, however, is that I know on some level I would always be there if she needed me. I love her deeply, I just don't have any romantic feelings for her (the thought of being with her actually kind of repulses me at the core, despite any of her positive traits), and I know (from experience ) that dating her is impossible. My help can only go as far as friendship does. If she wants more than that, I refuse to enable her to triangulate me with whomever she's involved with and put that person through the same crap she put me through. That wouldn't be fair to ANYONE.

ANYWAYS, that's enough thread hijacking for the day. That did feel good though.

[mitchell16]

I didnt experience that but something simlar. I used to call it the "set up argument" It would start with us having some sort of rleationship issue that she cause, and we were having some tension. She would suggest we sit down and talk about it to solve the issue. She would then ask me what I thought the problem were. me thinking she wanted to really work it out and she wanted me honest opioion would start to tell her all the problems that i thought. Mid way thru my first few sentences she would cut me off and say something like " you just love to argue dont you" or her other  favorite was " we spend way to much time talking about problems" when I remind her that she asked me to have the convesation she would then say " see you blame me with everything" I would just be mentally wore out from this.

[4Years5Months]

Most arguments with my ex would end without a resolution, because she would rarely admit fault or give in.  So either it would end acrimoniously (and of course flare up later), or I would be the one to give in.  

To be fair, sometimes it WAS my fault.  But the constant was that she would "need (me) to understand" what she was saying/arguing.  I would say yes, I did understand, but then I HAD to repeat back to her how I specifically understood her, step by step.  The parent/child dynamic of our relationship would be reversed in this kind of scenario.  She would not drop the argument unless I did this, in detail.  We would lay bed for HOURS many nights arguing, and I would give up and try to go to sleep... .and then after about 5 minutes of silence, she would start in again.  And it was always about me explaining how I understood how she felt, not about finding a solution.  She needed that confirmation, that closure.

In addition, if she was trying to make HER point, she could argue with you for days, but if I asked her to answer something that would require her to take a look at herself, she would say "I don't know" or "I don't know what I want."  Suddenly, she would become a clueless puppy dog with no answers.

Arguments with her were EXHAUSTING.  I can remember getting out of bed because I was so tired and walking to the living room to sleep on the couch, which would of course trigger her abandonment fear, and she would flip from arguing to begging me to come back to bed with her.  Then, after a moment... .the arguing would begin again.

[Hopeless777]

Most arguments with my ex would end without a resolution, because she would rarely admit fault or give in.  So either it would end acrimoniously (and of course flare up later), or I would be the one to give in.  

To be fair, sometimes it WAS my fault.  But the constant was that she would "need (me) to understand" what she was saying/arguing.  I would say yes, I did understand, but then I HAD to repeat back to her how I specifically understood her, step by step.  The parent/child dynamic of our relationship would be reversed in this kind of scenario.  She would not drop the argument unless I did this, in detail.  We would lay bed for HOURS many nights arguing, and I would give up and try to go to sleep... .and then after about 5 minutes of silence, she would start in again.  And it was always about me explaining how I understood how she felt, not about finding a solution.  She needed that confirmation, that closure.

In addition, if she was trying to make HER point, she could argue with you for days, but if I asked her to answer something that would require her to take a look at herself, she would say "I don't know" or "I don't know what I want."  Suddenly, she would become a clueless puppy dog with no answers.

Arguments with her were EXHAUSTING.  I can remember getting out of bed because I was so tired and walking to the living room to sleep on the couch, which would of course trigger her abandonment fear, and she would flip from arguing to begging me to come back to bed with her.  Then, after a moment... .the arguing would begin again.

My life exactly. After 25 years of turbulent marriage, "it" started: full blown BPD. Hours and hours of meaningless, circular, insane "discussions" that she started: "I have a question." After a year of this I knew disaster was just around the corner; and it was. Ten months separated after 28 years married and I'm still picking up the pieces of my life. Imnot where I thought I'd me; but I'm trying to get there again someday.

[DyingLove]

Most arguments with my ex would end without a resolution, because she would rarely admit fault or give in.  So either it would end acrimoniously (and of course flare up later), or I would be the one to give in.  

To be fair, sometimes it WAS my fault.  But the constant was that she would "need (me) to understand" what she was saying/arguing.  I would say yes, I did understand, but then I HAD to repeat back to her how I specifically understood her, step by step.  The parent/child dynamic of our relationship would be reversed in this kind of scenario.  She would not drop the argument unless I did this, in detail.  We would lay bed for HOURS many nights arguing, and I would give up and try to go to sleep... .and then after about 5 minutes of silence, she would start in again.  And it was always about me explaining how I understood how she felt, not about finding a solution.  She needed that confirmation, that closure.

In addition, if she was trying to make HER point, she could argue with you for days, but if I asked her to answer something that would require her to take a look at herself, she would say "I don't know" or "I don't know what I want."  Suddenly, she would become a clueless puppy dog with no answers.

Arguments with her were EXHAUSTING.  I can remember getting out of bed because I was so tired and walking to the living room to sleep on the couch, which would of course trigger her abandonment fear, and she would flip from arguing to begging me to come back to bed with her.  Then, after a moment... .the arguing would begin again.

My life exactly. After 25 years of turbulent marriage, "it" started: full blown BPD. Hours and hours of meaningless, circular, insane "discussions" that she started: "I have a question." After a year of this I knew disaster was just around the corner; and it was. Ten months separated after 28 years married and I'm still picking up the pieces of my life. Imnot where I thought I'd me; but I'm trying to get there again someday.

I'm dealing with a 4 year relationship.  Just how the hell do you do 28 years and you are still alive?

[Hopeless777]

Most arguments with my ex would end without a resolution, because she would rarely admit fault or give in.  So either it would end acrimoniously (and of course flare up later), or I would be the one to give in.  

To be fair, sometimes it WAS my fault.  But the constant was that she would "need (me) to understand" what she was saying/arguing.  I would say yes, I did understand, but then I HAD to repeat back to her how I specifically understood her, step by step.  The parent/child dynamic of our relationship would be reversed in this kind of scenario.  She would not drop the argument unless I did this, in detail.  We would lay bed for HOURS many nights arguing, and I would give up and try to go to sleep... .and then after about 5 minutes of silence, she would start in again.  And it was always about me explaining how I understood how she felt, not about finding a solution.  She needed that confirmation, that closure.

In addition, if she was trying to make HER point, she could argue with you for days, but if I asked her to answer something that would require her to take a look at herself, she would say "I don't know" or "I don't know what I want."  Suddenly, she would become a clueless puppy dog with no answers.

Arguments with her were EXHAUSTING.  I can remember getting out of bed because I was so tired and walking to the living room to sleep on the couch, which would of course trigger her abandonment fear, and she would flip from arguing to begging me to come back to bed with her.  Then, after a moment... .the arguing would begin again.

My life exactly. After 25 years of turbulent marriage, "it" started: full blown BPD. Hours and hours of meaningless, circular, insane "discussions" that she started: "I have a question." After a year of this I knew disaster was just around the corner; and it was. Ten months separated after 28 years married and I'm still picking up the pieces of my life. Imnot where I thought I'd me; but I'm trying to get there again someday.

I'm dealing with a 4 year relationship.  Just how the hell do you do 28 years and you are still alive?

Good question. I'm barely surviving. The divorce proceedings she initiated have cost me all my assets. Im making it only because if decent income and no rent because I live with my 77 year old mom... .how pathetic. I'm working on me and getting well from the trauma. I WILL BE BACK. I am now resolved ( most of the time.) I try not to think about the dreams destroyed. Rather trying to create a better future for a better me.

[DyingLove]

Nope. Not pathetic... .I wish my mom was alive... .she would have taken me in immediately.  I was also, DEPLETED of money and energy and nearly all my sanity. I didn't have a steady income during my stay in Florida... .I was always focusing all my energy towards the relationship and keeping everything floating as well as caring for her 9yo kid.  Taking care of that kid was a major feat in itself.  She was a major effort due to the crappy upbringing of the mother and criminal father.  No one really recongnized how much effort I invested into that child.  AND of course the mother blamed the time she spent with me during our courting phase that she didn't spend time with her kid.  That was a bunch of BS by the way.  She was a lousy mother at the time and I'm NOT AFRAID to admit that now.  Although I love her, I'm tired of protecting her integrity by not admitting  what a crappy parent she was.  Of course upon our breakup, she started treating the kid differently... .mainly LOUD like you would think you are getting thru to a deaf person.  You can't fake being a good parent. You either got it or you don't.  AND just helping someone with homework doesn't make you a good parent.  Sickens me right now thinking of the whole crapolla.

[raisins3142]

Mine thought she was an empath and could read my mind somewhat.  Well, she sure didn't act accordingly then!

[ADecadeLost]

Mine liked visual aids, so she tended to start with "what do you think of this picture?"  Followed directly by showing me a Facebook photo of my secretary, a random female friend from college, or my sister-in-law.  This intro guaranteed that there was no way out.  She was looking for a fight, and any answer or lack of answer on my part would be enough to trigger her.  I just learned to sit back and ride out the storm.  The few occasions where she "quit" facebook were always the most peaceful.

[ASD]

I'm dealing with a 4 year relationship.  Just how the hell do you do 28 years and you are still alive?

Arguments are exhausting.  When I hear that "I have a question" "tell me ... .". "You don't understand me" "You ignore me" "You don't validate me" I roll my eyes and all Hell breaks loose if she sees that!  I can't help it, it's involuntary. 

I'm 13 years next month and I honestly wonder how I am still standing.  Her mother told me yesterday she doesn't know how I even talk to my wife, left alone calm her down and live with her. 

I am hoping to end it soon and start a new life with the kids and not her.  I can dream at least!